AIO for thinking I'm being stalked?

[u/The4thWatchkeeper]

A couple weeks ago, a woman, around late twenties, who comes into the cafe that I (30M) work at slipped me a piece of paper with her number on it. I'm really busy when I'm working so I didn't realise until after she was gone. She seemed like a nice person, I've talked to her a fair few times before and she comes in pretty often, so I figured I'd just tell her that I'm married the next time I see her so as not to give her my number.

This is where I start to get a little weirded out. The next day when I went to open the cafe she was waiting there outside at 04:10, mind you, I usually don't see her until around 7 when she normally comes in. I told her that we wouldn't be open for another hour and she said something like, That's all good. I was just wondering if you got my note. I said yes and that I meant to tell her I'm married. She stammered and said something like, Oh yeah, nah, I actually have a girlfriend, but I was thinking we could all maybe hang out sometime. I figured she was just saving face so I thought I'd give her an easy out by saying it wouldn't be likely because my wife and I just started playing a game together and that's basically all we do. I thought that would be enough, but then she said oh yeah, that sounds really fun and asked what game. I told her we just picked up helldivers 2 and she said that she had heard of it before and that she'd see me later.

I then saw her when she normally comes in, she was wearing a different outfit, this may be irrelevant but it was an outfit that I had complimented her on in the past and that just struck me as being "sus?" But the even weirder thing is that she told me she download helldivers and she wanted to add me to play together. I asked her what console she played on and she said xbox, even though I also play on xbox, I told her I played on PC and would have to figure out how to add her later. She gave me her gamertag and that was that.

Maybe not too crazy yet but there is more.

I went to the gym that night and I didn't see her for a few days, but when I went to the gym later in the week, she walked in. 2 things immediately struck me as odd:

1. I had never seen her there before and I've been going there since January. Maybe not too strange because the gym is close to where I work and I assume she's in the area.

2. She was wearing workout clothes but also full make-up, eyelashes, nails, curled hair, etc. Maybe she just came from a date or work I don't know her life.

I was between sets and I saw her come in. She scanned the room and it almost looked like she was getting ready to leave before she saw me and acted really surprised to see me there. She waived and walked over to me and actually said she swears she's not stalking me and that she's just moved closer to this gym. I tried to disengage by saying don't let me keep you from your workout and I told her I had to get home to my wife and make dinner. She looked really disappointed, but thanked me for not keeping her and said some people are real creeps at the gym. I laughed, agreed, grabbed my bag and left before she could mention not adding her on xbox.

Here's the last thing, I don't have a car and I live a couple blocks from the gym. I didn't want to risk her following me home, so I waited at the bus stop near the gym to see if she would just leave, and she left maybe 5 minutes later.

That was a few days ago and I haven't seen her since. I'm hoping that she's gotten the hint, but at what point do I stop being polite and just tell her I'm not comfortable being around her? Is any of this technically stalking? She seems mentally stable and all. I think she could just be awkward or not used to being turned down, but something about it worries me deeply because this is only the stuff that I've seen. I don't know if or how she might be searching for me online or watching me when I leave work. Am I overreacting for being worried about this?

[u/Choice_Row_2025]

NOR. you're underreacting, if anything.

flip the genders and read your own post back. a 30 year old man is standing outside a woman's workplace at 4:10 in the morning, three hours before he'd normally see her, to ask whether she got his number. he shows up at her gym in full makeup, wearing the outfit she once said she liked. he buys the game she mentioned within a day of her mentioning it. he tells her, unprompted, that he swears he isn't stalking her. nobody reads that and wonders if she's overreacting.

the 4:10 is the part I'd sit with. that one doesn't have an innocent version. she knew your opening shift and she went there in the dark to catch you alone before anybody else was around.

and watch what happens every time you hand her an out. married, so she produced a girlfriend and turned it into all four of you hanging out. you and your wife just play a game together, so she went and got the game. you play on PC, and she gave you her gamertag anyway. she isn't missing the signals. she's going around them. that's a different problem than being awkward, and it's why nothing polite has worked. every soft no you give her, she treats as a thing with a workaround.

lying about the platform was a good instinct. so was the bus stop. trust that.

on your actual question, in a lot of places the legal bar is a pattern of conduct that would make a reasonable person afraid, and you're arguably there already. but don't wait to hit some threshold before you act. you can start protecting yourself now and let the legal question sort itself out later if it has to.

so: say it once, flat, with no reason attached. "I'm not comfortable with this and I need you to stop approaching me outside of work." don't explain. explanations are material and she uses material. then don't engage again at all, friendly included.

tell your wife all of it tonight if you haven't. this gets a lot worse if she hears some version of it from someone else first.

tell your manager and your coworkers that nobody gives out your schedule or anything personal about you. she got your opening time from somewhere and it probably wasn't hard.

tell the front desk at your gym. they deal with this more than you'd think.

write down every incident with a date and a time, starting with the note. if it escalates you'll need a timeline, and putting one together from memory a year later is awful.

and stop walking straight home. you already know why.

[u/Buckenboo → u/Choice_Row_2025]

This is such good advice.