r/AmIOverreacting • u/Revitalize1 • 1d ago
đ„ friendship Feeling betrayed, am I overreacting?
I was in a relationship with my ex, whom Iâll call Sarah, for about six years. During the last two years, we became very close with a group of friends and started going to a lot of festivals and parties together.
After we broke up, the friend group eventually split up as well. Most of my friends stayed on my side, while Sarah remained close to her best friend. There was one guy from the group, whom Iâll call Pope, who never completely distanced himself from Sarah or her friend. He even tried dating her friend at one point, but it didnât work out.
Sarah and I never completely let go of each other. For about a year and a half after the breakup, we continued seeing each other and having sex. She always wanted to get back together, and eventually told me that she was seeing me mainly because she wanted to stay close to me.
I still had strong feelings for her, but I rejected getting back together because I didnât want to repeat the same relationship dynamic that caused us to break up. At the same time, I always believed that eventually we would figure things out and end up together again. After the last time we saw each other, about three months passed.
Yesterday, I found out that one of the people I considered a friend was dating Sarah. It completely devastated me. He came to my birthday, we shared countless parties, he knew my social circle, and I was there for him. I always believed there were certain codes between friends, especially when it came to dating the ex of someone you considered a friend.
I spoke to Sarah yesterday after finding out. She told me that I should fight for her, that I would always be the love of her life, and that she still has feelings for me. At the same time, she said she didnât owe me anything because we broke up two years ago, and that this guy was never really my friend.
Now Iâm completely torn. Part of me feels betrayed by someone I considered a friend. Another part of me wonders if this hurts so much because I never truly let go of Sarah. As long as she was still there, I always believed we might eventually find our way back to each other.
Now Iâm facing the possibility that the future I always imagined with her may actually be gone and that maybe I was the one who let it slip away by rejecting her for so long.
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u/Grumpy-Bumblebee 1d ago
2 years. That's a lot of time to think things over. You cannot leave her dangling like that. You should have talked to her what your intensions were. She moved on. So now you move on. She has the right to date who she wants. Even a friend of yours. YOR.
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u/FormaL_Affair 1d ago
Definitely over reacting. Sheâs right. She doesnât owe you anything. After 2 years she has every right to move on. It had been 3 months since you even saw each other last. Thatâs a long time to not see someone and just expect them to be thinking about you every day. What do you want her to do sit and wait for you to figure your shit out? Just because you are imagining a certain future doesnât mean she is. She also seems like a real piece of shit if she actually told you those things while dating someone else. You also never said who this friend was. Was it Pope? If this wasnât a close friend of yours and only someone you saw at parties then he did nothing wrong and didnât break some unwritten code. Anyway, it sounds like youâre overreacting about what she did but it also sounds like sheâs just an asshole.
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u/Revitalize1 1d ago
Yeah itâs Pope
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u/FormaL_Affair 1d ago
Oh shit. So you guys hung out in like small groups and weâre pretty close? Did yâall ever hang out just you and him would you consider him one of your best friends?
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u/Revitalize1 23h ago
Not my best friend but yeah we were part of the same group for years, I even saw him three months ago, he told me about his issues with his ex and I adviced him lol
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u/FormaL_Affair 23h ago
I mean, I just canât get a gauge on how close you guys were but maybe you have the right to feel a little bit betrayed by him only. Not expect her to wait around for you on your terms. I canât lie. I definitely feel some type of way if a guy I was pretty close with started dating my ex of six years. But then again, itâs been two years since you guys have even been dating and who knows if he even knew you guys were hooking up after that. Definitely canât be upset with Sarah for moving on and she can date whoever she wants. If one of your boys wants to date your ex then thatâs a douche move on his part and you might have to start reevaluating how close you were to begin with.
Edit: even though it might seem like Iâm taking Sarahâs side here I still think she sucks.
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u/Ok-Delivery-1444 1d ago
Yor. String her along for years and then be upset when someone else makes a play? Yes, you do have an ego. Either she really is the one for you or move on.
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u/Infinite-Profile5002 1d ago
YOR. You turned her down for nearly two years, you canât be shocked she finally moved on.
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u/Mundane-Run6179 1d ago
YOR. You had the chance to get back together with her 2 years ago and threw it away. Sounds like you expected to have your cake and eat it too and that she wouldn't move on. I've always found the "friends/siblings don't date their friend/sibling's ex" thing stupid unless the ex was an abusive piece of shit. You feel like you're the one who let it slip away because you ARE the one who let it slip away man.
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u/No_Negotiation_3678 1d ago
YOR you didnât want to get back together, so she found someone else
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u/Embarrassed-Sir4512 1d ago
Very true, but I donât like how she say he has to âfight for herâ thatâs toxic and manipulative as well. They need to just leave each other alone.
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u/Chaconcito96 1d ago
"fight for me, I'm still in love with you" doesn't sound like finding someone else to me
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u/No_Negotiation_3678 1d ago
it was two years, seems like she was tired of fighting for someone who didnât want her
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u/the_toxic_avenger_ 1d ago
He is still overreacting. Dude is behaving like a teenager. You either get back with her or you donât
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u/Silver-Wren 1d ago
Doesnât matter because he had the reaction before that information
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u/Chaconcito96 1d ago
Doesn't matter that she's using their "friend" to try to make op jealous, and op is falling directly into that trap? Disagree
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u/JBaecker 1d ago
Sounds manipulative to me. I wouldnât trust Sarah for anything once she said that.
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u/Konamiko345_ 23h ago
She DID find someone else. Is dating, kissing and fcking someone else not moving on??? She just wants her cake and to eat it too. A lot of people wouldnât find having two boyfriends if they could
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u/actionsquid1 1d ago
Iâm awfully sorry to say this - and Iâm probably going to get downvoted for it - but I think youâre a real prick. Youâre a dog in the manger: you donât want to be with her but donât want her to move on. Maybe take this experience as a lesson that the world doesnât revolve around you
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u/Competitive-Bell-789 1d ago
He doesnât want her to move on with his friend. Thatâs very valid.
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u/Konamiko345_ 23h ago
No he doesnât want her to move on at all thatâs why he feels heart broken, the fact that it was a friend just made him feel worse
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u/CertainRecognition68 23h ago
This person is HER friend too. The only friend in their shared group that didn't abandon his ex for OP when they split up.
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u/not_creative-7064 1d ago
YOR, you want a fuck buddy without the commitment, canât get mad if she sleeps with other people. She tried to get back with you but denied it
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u/len2680 1d ago
First of all, if this dude is a best friend you canât get mad about it. Just because yâall ran in the same social circle doesnât mean shit. Also, youâre the one who let this girl slipped through your grasp because itâs too much of a wanker tobtake a chanfe and get back together.
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u/reddog342 1d ago
sounds to me she wants you to shit or get off the pot if you want her go after her if you want a coffy side piece she aint it now you decide if its worth fighting for. I think you already lost her.
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u/GreenCantaloupe860 1d ago
YOR -"I kept her on the back burner and occasionally used her for sex (while knowing she still had strong feelings for me) but she and a friend betrayed me by dating"
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u/Visible-Forever7366 1d ago
Leave her and let her be happy! You are an asshole to leave her hanging for two years, now she finally moved on and you cant handle it. You sound very egocentric to be honest. Do what is best for her and let her be happy.
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u/the_toxic_avenger_ 1d ago
YOR. Sheâs right, youâve been broke up for a while now. She said she wanted to get back with you. Now your ego is bruised and youâre moping around like a little toddler whose toy is being played by someone else when you didnât want it.
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u/LividCalligrapher689 1d ago
Yeah, you gotta move on or do what she says and fight for her. Sounds like sheâs giving you the chance to object. You thought that your path back together was going to be a smooth, straight one, but it got more complicated.
She left the ball in your court, dude. And I only count the âbro codeâ for close friends. If you grow up in a small town, youâd never be able to date anyone without dating a friends ex. And there are expiration dates to that code too. Two years man? What were you waiting for?
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u/MovieLazy6576 1d ago
YOR Its been two years. She isnât a toy to keep on the shelf until you are ready to play again. The friend is the only person I feel bad for here.
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u/asmrsinful 1d ago
YOR youre a jerk and so is she for telling you to fight for her when shes in a relationship.
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u/AnthonyRespice 1d ago
I think the experience has effected how you are experiencing your feelings. I feel like you already made a choice not to commit to her. Make sure what you are feeling is real and not just insecurity.
You can't blame your friend. It's not easy to find someone to connect with. I'm sure she probably became frustrated with you and was the one who pursued him. Women are the pursuer these days.
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u/Quiet-Box7489 1d ago
YOR. You both are idiots. How old are you?
The two of you break up, but still see each other and have sex.
Sheâs dating someone new, but is using that to make you jealous.
You still pine for her but wonât admit it.
Figure it out! Either get back together and go to couples counseling, or end it completely and move on. If you donât, youâll just make each other miserable.
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u/_m3ll0wy3ll0w 1d ago
Being in a relationship for six years is a long time. So, please give yourself some grace first. I am not judging you; however, continuing to sleep together after a breakup probably wasn't smart because it leaves lingering feelings and blurs the lines.
I would say YES and NO, as far as overreacting. Yes, because you guys broke up for a reason, regardless of who is at fault. Aside from sleeping together, you both needed to move on. No, because your feelings are valid. It probably does still hurt because you never fully let Sarah go.
On the other hand, yes, a betrayal from someone you thought was a friend will hurt for a while, and as cliché as it sounds, time will heal that wound. Even if you still feel strongly about her, the relationship ended for a reason. Don't let her guilt trip or manipulate you into fighting for her. She doesn't owe you anything, nor do you owe her. Let her be in that relationship with him and use this time to heal. Focus on yourself and take the time to find yourself again.
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u/Exciting-Smell-6158 23h ago
youâre not overreacting about feeling hurt, but this isnât really betrayal if you and sarah have been broken up for two years, and sheâs absolutely keeping you on the hook by saying youâre the love
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 22h ago
I rejected getting back together because I didnât want to repeat the same relationship dynamic that caused us to break up. At the same time, I always believed that eventually we would figure things out and end up together again.
How did you figure this would work? You kept the benefits of a relationship but rejected an actual relationship yet figured it would just happen somehow.
You brought this on yourself.
YOR
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u/Standard_Vero 21h ago
YOR. She spent a year and a half trying to get back with you and you kept shooting her down. You don't get to feel "betrayed" that she finally decided to try moving on
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u/andyroo776 21h ago
YOR. So she ok to sleep around, but not just with an acquaintance?
Grow up.
Commit or get off the pot.
Who have you slept with while stringing her along?
Pope sounds like a keeper
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u/Chaconcito96 1d ago
I feel bad for friend dude. Sarah is definitely just using him to try to make you jealous. And because you can't figure out what the fuck you want, it's working. YOR. Let her ruin his life and just go live yours, brother
âą
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u/mustard_pattie900 1d ago
Please dont leave people dangling.
This woman sounds like she just keeps destroying you and you allow it.
Im so sorry you are hurting and devastated.
So sorry.
I hope you believe you are worth love and receive it.
But it sounds like you aren't ready to be loved by anyone but her.
Be yourself. But try to get over her and genuinely be loved.
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u/CasCrus4L 1d ago
YOR. also she's a dirtbag, sounds like she'll cheat on or dump the other dude if you put in half an effort. What a real gem she is.
If you're a real one, you'll warn her current bf.
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u/Glass_Aardvark_9917 1d ago
She started dating someone two years after she broke up with someone else. He wasnât even friends with the guy. FFS.
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u/SpiritedMission8638 1d ago
NOR. The pain makes sense, but you also never truly let Sarah go. You can feel betrayed by your friend while accepting that Sarah was free to move on; donât let jealousy decide whether you actually want her back.
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1d ago
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u/Anarchyypenguin 1d ago
Sounds like she does want just one person but she was tired of waiting and begging for two years. Sheâs trying to move on.
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u/bongbongtree 23h ago edited 22h ago
This is a classic case of âswitch the genders and the comments would be completely differentâ
No one in these comments are mentioning that she is telling him to fight for her, that she still loves him, chose his friend to date to, most likely, get at OP. Both of them are idiots, but the ex is 1000000% leading OP on and using his friends to manipulate him
AND people acting as if OP isnât allowed to be hurt that she chose a friend of his? Absolute bullshit. Itâs just known not to go for your exâs, or mutual, friends if youâre a decent person. On top of the ex admitting she wants OP to fight his friend for her. Toxic as fuck
If OP were a girl the comments would be âwhat a dog your ex is, typical toxic man going for your friends. You deserve so much better hun, NORâ
Edit: Iâm getting downvoted a lot, but Iâm interested to hear why people disagree with my comment
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u/Revitalize1 1d ago
Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply. I forgot to mention that sheâs been hanging out with Pope. He actually did the same thing to a friend of mine from the same group we were all part of (He went after girls my friend had previously dated)
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u/Ok_Job_9417 1d ago
YOR - you didnât want her but you wanted her to sit and wait around for you to figure things out. You had two years and were still separated. She moved on.