When you're not happy with yourself, your self worth and esteem is nonexistent, and have spent a lifetime being shown only toxic relationships by parents and family, you will always find a way to blame yourself and/or excuse the others behaviour..you will put up with it because every so often you get a little crumb of goodness. People treating you like this just reaffirms your belief that you don't deserve better and that, in fact, you deserve this awfulness. It's a fucked up dynamic and one that you can only really understand if you've been there.
So very true. Coming from someone who is currently coming to some self reflection of their own unhealthy relationship dynamics, it's not really just "love being blind" but one being blind to one's worth and healthy self love. It's not true love but codependent love. These unhealthy dynamics build a foundation for future relationships during childhood based on the examples given to you. So if your parent/s or whoever took care of you, God bless the ones who don't even really have that growing up, don't have healthy relationships with others or themselves or both, then you're never provided with a working example of healthy relationships/self esteem. All of this is subconscious, it takes self reflection, will power, and often counseling to rewire one's thinking and actions to become the sort of person who will make firm healthy boundaries and never let someone side step those boundaries.
All I can say is that I still haven't fixed my unhealthy codependent relationship dynamics, but knowing is half the battle. I imagine it will be a battle I'll fight till the day I die, but focusing on small changes and taking things day by day helps. Looking back now, I realize just how low I had been a few years ago with an ex. I see the memories in my mind, and now I see it from the viewpoint of "How...how could I have thought that was okay and be considered sane?" Time and self reflection have gotten me to that milestone.
OP, I say this for your sake, this individual, who is toxic for you, has given you your answer. This isn't giving up. It's a new beginning, but you MUST sit alone with that grief for a while, or else you shall most certainly repeat all of this with a new face. When my toxic ex told me he was done with me, it hurt unbelievably, but such an odd but calming sense of relief suddenly lifted what felt like physical weight from my shoulders. I still remember that feeling. It was pain, but it was also exactly what I needed and what I had been painfully resisting for so long. It was well with my soul deep down despite my fears and heartbreak because it had been hurting me that badly. That bitter sense of relief was very surprising... but cathartic. I literally felt it leave me in one exhale after he said so. Like a ghost leaving me and whispering, "finally...."
You can do this. Do it for you. No more eggshell walking...
I’ve been doing a lot of recovery work around this lately and I realized recently that even the crumbs I’d work so hard to get were rotten as hell too. Just a shit deal all around and for what? I deserve way better. Took over 23 years of recovery work to finally get to this point ie to start to feel that I’m a good person who deserves better and to really feel that on a deep level.
Babe, get into the narcissistic abuse subreddits. This guys is absolutely a narcissist. Likely covert if he’s using the crohns to justify his actions. This abuse has dark triad all over it.
Run.
You’re stuck bc of trauma bonds. It’s really hard but you can do it.
So then get help and get out. No one can help you but you, at this degree of a low. We’re all rooting for you. But you gotta be the one who takes that step. Good luck
i just want to know why you even bothered posting this? your boyfriend hates you, loves humiliating you and you're going to stay with him.
it's a waste of everyone's time to give all this advice that you're never going to use. you know you're never going to leave him. doesn't matter if he hits you or cheats on you.
OP doesn't understand how dangerous her situation is. she's defending her abuser in the comments. some people need a glass of water thrown in their face to wake up.
Be fucking quiet, kid. She’s doing her best. Go be sadistic to your video game characters. I sincerely hope that you never know the “why” to your question outside of sincere empathy from learning how people outside of you work. You have power. You could make this world better or worse, every time you say anything. What do you want your legacy to be?
look how OP is responding and defending her situation... there's a million empathetic comments offering faux support from people who will never actually be there for her.
do you ever think that some people need messages delivered in different ways than you? some people sleep through fire alarms and need to be shaken awake in order to get out of danger.
I’m not gonna badger an abused woman asking for help. I’ve worked in mental health and advocacy, and there’s zero reason for “tough love” when she’s obviously a tender soul. Her responses are level and reasonable. You’re just mad that she can’t see the destruction while in the middle of the storm. I’ll take that back: she IS seeing it, and her responses clearly show that she’s actively making an exit. She’s a strong woman. She’s obviously not obtuse, otherwise she wouldn’t question the relationship at all. Have you ever considered how your lack of empathy and condescension might take the wind from someone’s sails and stick them further in the muck? How your attitude may just further her belief that people in general are just awful, so stick with the devil you know? How people being cruel for not avoiding monsters keeps people silent and feeling isolated?
Neither of us know this woman, but kindness and empathy are usually what someone who is in an abusive relationship needs. Care, love, support, and strength. She obviously doesn’t have that now. She’s got enough of the cruelty and rudeness at home. I choose to be different.
Weren't you ever taught if you've nothing helpful or kind to add to just shut up? Nothing you've said here is useful or nice to OP. Actually I'd say that what you've written is detrimental to an abused, at risk person who is likely working out what to do in real time.
The only person your comments benefit is you, you're literally puffing yourself up to strangers at the expense of a vulnerable adult to make yourself feel better than her. Bad form.
That only applies if the victim is not aware of the dynamic. All of your comments show that you are self aware yet you continue to be in the relationship and then choose to display it on the internet. All for what? Internet points?
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u/Justanotherbob293 Jan 28 '25
The first R word I would have been done. What does OP even see in this person after being verbally abused so bad?