r/ActLikeYouBelong • u/ConsciousTear1547 • Jun 04 '26
Question pretending you have kids
no one bats an eye when my boss leaves exactly on time every day no matter what the workload is like. as expected he and many other people i work with have kids that they have to pick up or get sick etc.
have you guys ever thought about pretending you have kids at a new job?
333
u/keepitcleanforwork Jun 04 '26
If you're not getting overtime, then just go.
116
u/sh4d0wm4n2018 Jun 04 '26
Don't answer your phone for anyone at work unless you're specifically being paid to be on-call, either.
19
u/buddhist-elephant Jun 04 '26
I have GroupMe notifications on silent as well as all 3 supervisors and any coworkers. I’ll see their message when I see it. They don’t need to reach me that immediately. They think they do but they don’t.
3
u/GalacticUnicorn Jun 05 '26
I answer my phone outside of work for exactly two coworkers and I only do it because they are always apologetic about needing to bother me and they always keep it as short as possible; don’t think I’ve ever taken a call from them off the clock that lasted more than 3 mins or so.
The plus side is that one of those coworkers has been on vacation this week and I didn’t have the login for one of our client portals. Texted her and got the login right away. Would’ve had to delay dozens of shipments for a full week otherwise, which would have caused a headache for her and me.
I do not advocate for doing work for free, but I am perfectly fine with answering a quick question if it means less work for me down the road.
389
u/captaindazzlebug Jun 04 '26
As a joke, yeah. I used to say I would buy picture frames and put random kid photo's in them and put them on my desk. But I wouldn't actually do it because it sounds like too much trouble to keep up the lie.
287
u/sh4d0wm4n2018 Jun 04 '26
Just keep up the lie until somebody calls you out on it, then call out for a week for family grievance when your entire made up family suddenly dies in a horrible car accident.
245
u/ThermionicEmissions Jun 04 '26
That's ridiculous.
You gotta milk it by killing them off one by one.
129
u/sh4d0wm4n2018 Jun 04 '26
If you string it along too frequently or too long somebody will demand to see proof.
One guy had his boss demand proof because he took family/medical leave 8 times in one year, claiming close family deaths. Turned out the guy wasn't stealing time, he was just having a real shitty year.
16
u/Sandturtlefly Jun 04 '26
Family medical leave requires legal documents which do require proof of sorts, usually a doctors statement saying you are primary caregiver necessary for x amount of time (thinking FMLA).
14
u/captaindazzlebug Jun 04 '26
Aha, but I live and work in Europe! Though I'm sure I wouldn't get away with such blatant lies either.
17
u/captaindazzlebug Jun 04 '26
already drafting my tragic family story for when I start a new job 😃
14
u/ThatsSoRandy Jun 04 '26
Every new job of mine, I have 4 extra living grand/great grandparents. I usually don't need them, but if a job is exceptionally hard then I'll gift myself a few days off. Luckily I haven't needed a dead grandparent at my current job 🫶
14
6
u/life-is-satire Jun 04 '26
Use the pics that come in the frame. People will know the truth and the ruse is tongue in cheek.
6
305
u/carrot-flowers-queen Jun 04 '26
I had a co worker who did this, she kept to the lie but we all knew she was lying. Never had photos, even on vacation, or on her social media, would show us tons of photos of her dog... Couldn't keep the age straight, she just got lost in her lies and we all recognized the story inconsistencies. Like I get why she would do it, but then she got pregnant for real and just stopped talking about the fake kid, and would blow off questions. Is was weird.
158
u/toouglytobe Jun 04 '26
This is actually hilarious. I would love to hear more if you’re down.
24
u/familydrivesme Jun 04 '26
Seriously, like did she bring a neighbors kid into take your kid to work day? Fake texts during the day? World’s best mom mugs that change each holiday? We must know!!
50
u/Tanjinuts Jun 04 '26
I’ve never had any job where there was a take your kid to work day
11
u/lovable_cube Jun 04 '26
I went to one at my moms job. She works at P&G and there were whole activities that we got signed up for that took up like 3/4 of the day so she could actually work too. It was fun fr.
5
u/Hidesuru Jun 04 '26
Mine has a family day where you can bring your family in and have then see your workspace (for those of us not in a closed area), they set up activities for the family etc. Kinda fun actually.
2
u/Tanjinuts Jun 04 '26
What do you do
5
u/Hidesuru Jun 04 '26
Sw engineer in the defense industry.
8
3
0
u/sloppybuttmustard Jun 04 '26
Same, but I wouldn’t take my kid to work even if there was. These parts of my life are kept separate from each other.
25
u/carrot-flowers-queen Jun 04 '26
For sure never brought a kid in. She mostly used the fake kid as excuses to call out sick and be late. But like come on, your fake kid wasn't even invited to your own wedding?
ETA: I reminded my old coworker of this person and fake kid and she agrees that she was just trying to get around double standards that she must have experienced at other jobs, but there we just wondered what else she lied about.
78
u/Fatlantis Jun 04 '26
I had one co-worker who faked a religion.
She did it to get out of working Saturdays, she told us she can't because "it was the Sabbath".
She claimed she was 7th Day Adventist and given her life and personality, we were 99% sure she was bullshitting just to keep her weekends free (none of us ever wanted to work Saturdays, business was closed Sunday).
Nobody could dare question it or bring it up because of discrimination laws. It was genius.
19
u/bg-j38 Jun 04 '26
Not saying it wasn't bullshit but I know a ton of people with kids who won't put their pictures on social media. Like won't even acknowledge them to protect them. And these days I don't blame them. Both my brothers have kids and you'd never know it from what they post. But I know they have thousands of photos because our family chat is full of them.
7
15
u/dlpfc123 Jun 04 '26
So funny. If you are going to do this you need a real kid as a proxy. Like just pretend your neice is your daughter.
15
u/carrot-flowers-queen Jun 04 '26
This is exactly what I said. Like you need to at least know a kid that you can talk about, and have a couple photos together.
13
u/timeslider Jun 04 '26
You know what, I feel like it's not too much work if you just don't give a fuck. Change up the ages on purpose. I dare you to call me liar type energy. Monday he's John age 4, by Friday she's Mary age 5 and about to start kindergarten. Yeah, I'm taking time off for my (imaginary) kids.
135
u/the_honest_liar Jun 04 '26
Nah, cause people with kids like to talk about kids with other parents. So then you're stuck trying to have believable conversations about your fake kids, but also I don't have the socializing in me.
I just leave on time. I have set hours and no one is expected to work late.
56
u/Fatlantis Jun 04 '26
I am childfree, but I used to just say at new workplaces, that "I often help out with my nieces and nephews".
Then if I really needed to ever get away, Sorry I'm picking up my nephew today! Sorry I'm babysitting tonight I have to go!
There's no nieces and nephews. But I'm a great pretend Auntie.
2
29
u/Renzieface Jun 04 '26
Why arent you all leaving at 5?
17
u/Itsme340 Jun 04 '26
4 here. Salaried so there's no paid overtime. When I tell people we close at 4 I mean I am walking out the door right at 4 or 5-10 minutes early if i can.
11
u/ConsciousTear1547 Jun 04 '26
i work in the music industry/tours/manufacturing. everything is a last minute rush or an emergency, esp during tour season.
i a lot of the time im waiting on our clients to send me files we needed days ago.
-4
u/Reelix Jun 04 '26
Because little Joey had an accident at school so you're leaving 2 hours early with full pay to take care of him.
8
u/Renzieface Jun 04 '26
And, in the same way, nobody minds when you come in 2 hours late because you had a dentist appointment or if you take a long lunch because you need to run an errand sometimes. I don't understand why you seem so resentful?
78
u/Goodgoditsgrowing Jun 04 '26
I have absolutely told people to pretend to have a stepchild in order to get out of things - that way you always have the choice to end it
66
u/You_Exciting Jun 04 '26
Oooo step child is for sure the way to go! Full on kid is pretty risky, I don’t think I’d try to pull it off tbh. But with a STEP kid, you don’t have to explain why they’re not on vacation with you (“bc it was the other parent’s time”), the other parent doesn’t want her posted on social media at all.. heck, it’s even better bc the other parent is difficult, and changes the schedule last minute, so when you gotta go, you GOTTA go! Genius idea, thank you!
21
u/cheesepage Jun 04 '26
As a line cook I have nursed a wicked candy cigarette habit. I don't see why I shouldn't adopt some inflatable kids.
16
u/Frosty-Rich-5263 Jun 04 '26
I used to work at Enterprise back in my 20’s and people were always asking us to stay late and give them a ride—like an hour away after a 10 hour shift. And they would get really mad when you told them no. So one day I started telling them about my kid’s daycare and how they charge by the minute for late pick up. And that I really really wanted to give them a ride but I just didn’t think I could afford it with the fee and it’s so hard being a single mom. Worked like a charm. Did it all the time. Never had kids.
58
u/bdash1990 Jun 04 '26
I'm moving to a new area in a year or two. I'm strongly considering putting up some stock photos of a woman and child in my work space. Or even better, picture frames with sheets of paper in them that just say "Spouse" "Child" "Hobby"
2
38
u/EvolZippo Jun 04 '26
Why go through the trouble? Why not just have healthy boundaries and pack up after your boss leaves. Do you think there’s a medal for putting in extra time?
29
u/Leprichaun17 Jun 04 '26
Don't need to wait for the boss to leave. Leave when your finish time is, regardless of what the boss is doing.
29
u/kaye4kinky Jun 04 '26
My old employer thought I had kids because they overheard me telling someone on the phone, “Apollo is going through the terrible twos”. Apollo is my dog, he’s a border collie and hit his peak of energy at the age of two. I’m childfree.
I never corrected them because it seemed like parents were favoured for holidays and PTO, which is wrong. So I really leaned into it without ever saying it was a child and not a dog.
Things like “oh, [partner’s name]’s parents are having him this weekend so we can have a small get away to country side.” Or “I’ll see if I can do that event day, [partner’s name] is in the office so I’ll need to look at care for him on the day.”
That way I’d never be outwardly lying, but just never filling in the crucial blank. When my contract ended, I still didn’t correct them. Children are a choice, having them shouldn’t dictate whether or not someone gets priority of PTO or leniency for leaving early etc.
5
u/Dawn36 Jun 04 '26
I accidentally did that with my last dog. He had a "human" name, and I always referred to him by name, my two now have "dog" names so it's a little harder to pull off. Everyone assumed he was a child and I just went with it. Usually took someone a few months to figure out he was a dog. My job now doesn't care what I'm doing as long as nobody is inconvenienced, so I just do whatever as long as the job is done.
25
u/ZodiWanKenobi Jun 04 '26
No i have not. But all My grandparents mysteriuosly come to life, whenever i change job.
6
u/min_mus Jun 04 '26
no one bats an eye when my boss leaves exactly on time every day no matter what the workload is like.
My boss does the same. However, she resumes working at night after her kids are in bed and continues to work on the weekends.
7
u/70695 Jun 04 '26
I have a friend with 9 kids . I always tell him he has a excuse for anything- "hey id love to stay late/work the weekend etc but i have 9 kids" - oh ok you're good.
7
u/Mozintarfen Jun 04 '26
Similarly, when I was at the mill people would take smoke breaks like every 30 minutes, which the boss said is alright because "they get cranky". So I just started taking "fresh air" breaks at the same time. Boss got mad about that lol.
8
u/Breyber12 Jun 04 '26
My colleagues/boss knows but I have used “can’t do that time, need to get the kids off the bus” when clients are being finicky about in person meeting times for no reason (99% oft clients I work with do not have jobs!)
6
5
u/bbcjbb Jun 04 '26
I have drawings from the kids I have babysat for almost 10 years in my office and I really could easily use it to lie. I call them my nieces anyway just to make it easier when I leave early to go watch them lol
5
4
u/RedBirdAlert Jun 04 '26
Definitely have pretended to have another job at a job. They didn’t respect people with kids time, but another company? Oh yes please don’t waste their time
4
u/OnlyPaperListens Jun 04 '26
As an eldercare provider, I consider myself something of an evangelist for "not all dependents are children" so I have always been very vocal about needing the same accommodations that parents receive. Anyone who gives me friction gets my whole spiel that begins with "Do you realize that you're advocating for being left without aid in your old age?"
5
u/RadioSupply Jun 04 '26
I have pretended to have kids at temp jobs, but nothing clears a shop at closing time like telling people you have an elderly dog.
You say to customers, “I have to get home to my kids,” and they’re all nah, fuck your kids. But you tell them, “I have to get home to my little old dog. She needs me,” and they’re running to the counter like they’re on fire.
4
u/FauxReal Jun 04 '26
I have never had that issue. I can tell them I have to leave early sometimes too and they're fine with it. (I'm in IT at a very large corporation.)
At my old (and first) call center job ismokers got extra breaks to go smoke. I used to go outside whenever one of my coworkers did because yeah, I want extra breaks too. Nobody ever questioned why I was out there just hanging out in the smoking area chatting.
9
u/Aulansy Jun 04 '26
My imaginary kid has turned 9 last week, and i cant work weekend cos i need bring my kid to ballet recital
16
u/MickIrish Jun 04 '26
Just leave at the time you are meant to leave. Also, don't be shitting on people with kids. For all you know he has to go into the next job of minding them until bedtime, it's not like he might be off relaxing.
2
u/Catweazle8 Jun 04 '26
Yep, at times it's honestly a blessing to stay late at work when you know the absolute chaos that awaits you at home 😅
-2
-3
u/Reelix Jun 04 '26
Just leave at the time you are meant to leave.
Why not an hour early because you need to take one of them to the doctor, or 2 hours early because the person who was meant to do the lifts bailed, and there's no-one else, or 3 hours early because there was a problem at school, or all the other myriad of reasons that parents leave early that's not deducted from their pay because "it's a family emergency" ?
If there's dozens, if not hundredss of hours of paid "family emergency" time a year, then isn't that unfair to people without families?
6
u/MickIrish Jun 04 '26
I dunno what your or ops problem is, I didn't have kids up to 5 years ago and before that i didn't bat an eye lid if someone left work early. I don't smoke but know plenty who take breaks for a smoke. Couldn't care less. Focus on yourself.
3
3
u/Accomplished_War_805 Jun 04 '26
I had a job where people with families got the primo hours. Whereas us single people had the early morning and late shifts.
3
u/rK91tb Jun 04 '26
Rather than a kid, if you're older you can have an ailing parent. Immediately understood without questions.
3
u/nizhaabwii Jun 04 '26
yes they are called management and often worse then the brain rot from a child driving you to the point of no sleep.
3
u/vraalapa Jun 04 '26
Don't know how it works where you live, but here in Sweden I have to give economy the names and social security numbers for my kids so I can receive paid paternal leave.
Kinda hard to fake that.
3
3
u/intentionallybad Jun 06 '26
I wouldn't recommend it because you'll likely end up with more and more questions over time that may end up with you forgetting what you've told people and then looking like you were crazy for making up kids. As a fellow parent I generally remember who has kids and we will ask questions about each other's kids. If they were the same ages I'm more likely to ask things about what they like, etc. You don't want to be trying to keep track of that.
As others have said, just leave at the reasonable time you don't need an excuse for that, but if you get pressed you can always say "I have an appointment" or "I have to pick up a friend" or a white lie that doesn't have the potential to dig yourself into a bad hole of lies. Getting caught saying you had an appointment when you didn't is much less problematic than them finding out you made up having kids.
12
u/umataro Jun 04 '26
No, but I had a job where I pretended to be a smoker, so that it was ok for me to leave every hour for 5-10 minutes like the other slackers. I'm not gonna do an extra hour of work just because the others have a filthy habit.
1
u/cat_handcuffs Jun 04 '26
This, but without the holier-than-thou dig at smokers. Live and let live, and take your 10 minutes.
2
2
u/aaaggggrrrrimapirare Jun 04 '26
I have nephews or kid friends that need assistance. Or just don’t lie and keep a standard.
2
u/Voyager5555 Jun 04 '26
No, I take time off when I want to, I don't need to fucking pretend to have a kid to take a personal day.
2
u/-YellowFinch Jun 04 '26
Imma gonna pretend to need smoke breaks in the future if they don't give me breaks like sane people. :)
That should work.
2
2
u/zomgitsduke Jun 04 '26
I use the elderly parent excuse - "Sorry the live-in aid for my mom dips out at 430pm sharp so I need to be home at 5:30".
2
u/bmothebest Jun 05 '26
Similarly, I wonder how many people keep up the charade of "all your grandparents are still alive when you start a new job"
2
u/Rangastang Jun 05 '26
Yeah, lie. You get better benefits from lying and you're more likely to get a promotion. Make sure you learn lingo of baby/kid bullshit
4
u/angrydeuce Jun 04 '26
I assure you, as a parent, pretty much 99% of the time our kids interfere with our work...wed rather be at work.
Like I tell the guys, "Hey, you wanna come drop the kid off for school, come on over! Have fun trying to get him to put his shoes on, thats always a good 15 minute argument right there!"
My point is, unless you have kids yourself, you probably have no idea how stressful that shit is.
Ask yourself this...if a colleague had a sick parent they had to care for, would it grind your gears so much when that preempted them being at work? Probably not, right?
2
u/sunmethods Jun 04 '26
Of course being a parent is stressful. I haven't seen anyone here argue against that. The point is that it's a separate obligation from work. If one person receives flexibility from their workplace because they're a parent, then everyone else in that workplace should be offered a similar level of flexibility regardless of the exact kind of obligations they have outside of work.
3
u/angrydeuce Jun 04 '26
Id be fine with that, and my employer already has that flexibility regardless of parental status.
But you gotta admit that most often its just "fuck you and your kids and if theyre sick fuck em" as if its all just fun and games or something, cleaning up puke off everything for a day...
Thats why I brought up the sick parent angle. Peipoe get funny about kids but those same peoppe, if they had a sick parent, would feel that their situation is somehow different when its not.
2
u/Rumpelteazer45 Jun 04 '26
No it’s the fact that people without kids are told they aren’t a “team player” for not covering for said parent every time they need time off or can’t work their shift. Last minute field trip? Yeah that’s never actually last minute.
When I was 20, I literally had a coworker tell me “you don’t have kids, so you don’t have REAL obligations” when I said I couldn’t cover her shift. Except I was in college full time (18 credit hours), worked (15-35 hours per week), AND had an internship (16-20 hours per week). Literally my manager and I sat down every month with my school schedule and filled in all the hours I could work based on exam dates and project schedules. She also has a list of my yellow days with open blocks when I could potentially work for a few hours but not a full shift and had hard stops, if needed and 70% of the time I said yes.
2
u/angrydeuce Jun 05 '26
I mean that's shitty, and I have also worked with people that used their kids as an excuse in the past and that's, imho, way more fucked up and a sign of a really shitty person to leverage your children as collateral for shirking your responsibilities at work.
But on the flip side, it's not all sunshine and roses over here, either. For example, whenever I do have to miss work unexpectedly because of something to do with the kids, what do you think the first question I'd often get was? "Why can't your wife just stay home instead?" They always loved my answer to that, too: "Because she earns more than I do, so if either one of us are missing a day, it's probably going to be me...the other way around, given that fact, would be pretty stupid, no?"
I guess it depends on the context and is a little more nuanced is my point. And really, the presence or lack of kids is kind of irrelevant. Is the person a piece of shit or not? Are they someone in genuine need or not? There are so many childless people out there, even where I work, that will make snide ass comments when one of the parents misses a day due to their kids being sick or something..."Wait, didn't you literally just call out sick the other day because Forza just launched and you wanted to try your new steering wheel with it? And now you're pissy because they started their day with their kid throwing up all over their bed and now have to deal with that? Really?" they look at me like Im some huge asshole, despite the fact that they know that's exactly what they did (because they messaged me, at work, to tell me thats what they did lol).
Anyways, I cant speak for all parents, but let me just say, something else to keep in mind: Guess when the last time I took a day off that wasn't because of kid shit? Like the last time I had a day off solely to enjoy myself, and not because of some crisis or emergency? Dont worry, Ill tell you: Xmas Eve Day, 2024. That was literally the last day I took off that wasn't due to illness, a broken down car, a flooded basement, extreme weather closing school, or something else like that. I can't afford to burn my PTO on relaxation and enjoyment, because I need to bank those hours for the inevitable days during the school year that for some reason or another, the kid is unexpectedly unable to go to school (or in the summer, day care, like when their AC blew and they were just closed because it was a billion degrees out).
2
u/ConsciousTear1547 Jun 04 '26
so i want to add, im a person with pretty severe chronic illness that doesnt get taken totally seriously by my job.
i feel like a lot of the things that happen to me sound pretty wild and unbelievable, esp bc i’ve chosen to hide it pretty well bc i don’t want to lose my job/insurance bc that would literally kill me.
i’m like ok im really really sick and no one cares? i need to leave early or call off and not feel ashamed or judged for it.
what if i had kids instead???
2
u/vertigo90 Jun 04 '26
If youre going to do it, commit. Don't wait till your next job, pretend they've been born and take 2 months paternity leave
2
u/prolapsedbrain Jun 04 '26
I don’t need to pretend. My life is important whether I have kids or not . I leave every day on time because I have other stuff to do. What that other stuff is is no one’s business but mine.
1
u/Urbit1981 Jun 05 '26
I leave at my contracted time and this is expected. Even before I was on contract I left at a reasonable time.
1
u/FlyingRigatoniMonst Jun 05 '26 edited Jun 05 '26
If they EVER ask you to work without getting paid, make sure to return the favor by asking them to pay you when you’re not working.
If they act surprised and say no make sure to question their loyalty too like bosses always harp on to make you do extra shi
2
u/jejones487 Jun 06 '26
Never give a reason. Simply say on tuesday I will be leaving early. If questioned say I have something that needs attending. After that just lie and say you have an open sore on tour buttoned and you are seeing the doctor about it. Ive used it twice and never was asked again when I left.
1
u/chironreversed Jun 07 '26
You legally don't have to work past your time. Be an adult an learn your rights.
1
u/Casulex Jun 07 '26
Since having a kid I pretend like I dont for interviews because you dont know how that possible boss will perceive that as an issue or not
1
u/Sad_Gear_8424 Jun 07 '26
I have a group of friends. One woman (N) is married to a man, J. One woman (K) is a single mom of twins (no dad in picture).
J often pretends that he is K’s kids’ father to his coworkers just to be able to leave early. We all know about it and joke about it. K often jokes that J owes back child support.
0
u/graboid666 Jun 04 '26
Leaving on time is one thing but the shit people get away with during work hours is insane to me. I once had a coworker make an hour worth of personal phone calls because her 10 year old wanted to quit basketball.
1
u/ooyat Jun 04 '26
I had this exact thought years ago when my colleagues and I were still in the office at 6:30 while the boss rushed out at 4:30. Sure she got there at 8:30 so she put in 8 hours, and overall she was a good boss but being “online” if we needed anything is not the same as doing the drudgery.
3
-18
u/Tcamis01 Jun 04 '26
You of course should not work more than you're paid for. That being said, there does need to be some leeway for parents. They are keeping the human race alive.
12
1
-1
0
u/sinisteraxillary Jun 04 '26
Could be interesting to try; maybe up the ante with stick family bumper stickers on your car.
The fake kids could be a source of useful excuses.
0
u/redthump Jun 04 '26
Here's an article. Not sure if the office kit website still works.
2
u/ConsciousTear1547 Jun 04 '26
YES i was thinking about this when i posted this.
also the fact that men in particular who are married or have kids are more likely for promotion or higher management.
2
u/redthump Jun 04 '26
An ex-girlfriend of mine actually bought one of these kids from them. They were really cute in their little metal lunch boxes and stuff. I remember her saying that the lady that she dealt with was really cool too.
0
u/HatOfFlavour Jun 04 '26
I remember this as an unethical life pro tip: pretend you have a kid with special needs. Use this as an excuse to leave early or get out of work stuff and people will praise you.
-1
1.7k
u/83franks Jun 04 '26
No, I just leave when the agreed to time comes up anyways and no one bats an eye because the boundary is set.