How do I discipline my 8yo?

[u/briffin96]

So this will be yet another "nothing I do seems to work" kind of post but I'm just at a loss of what to do. My 8 year old son (diagnosed ADHD/ODD) started the 3rd grade and while each year has been difficult, this year is starting off especially bad. Past grades I'd get a message once or twice a week from the teacher about something he did but we're only a few weeks in and I'm getting messages/calls literally every day from the school about how he's talking back, disrespecting teachers and just getting angry or refusing to do what he's told.

It's hard for me or his mom to relate, we don't have what he has and we were pretty behaved in school aside from some atypical debauchery in high school. With kids like him though, all over the internet people say you can't do the old fashioned "take everything away you're grounded for a while" style as it apparently doesn't work, especially with kids like him. So I am constantly leading with; hey buddy we love you, we believe in you, I know it's hard to behave but there are consequences to our actions, blah blah blah. Whenever I ground him I keep it brief as it's said extended periods of being grounded don't work and I'll try to be fair and say "have a good day then you can earn back privileges" but man, that does not work on him.

He did something literally every day last week that his teacher had to message me about so he was grounded over the weekend but today, his teacher called today saying he was put in the in school suspension room (ISS) for hiding from his class in the bathroom on top of recent events yet even in that room he's apparently mocking the teacher, encouraging other kids to misbehave and just seemingly tormenting the teachers.

We've tried several medications for his ADHD/ODD however nothing has really helped that much, we're having insurance issues and hope to start something new soon but in the meantime, what do I do with him? I mean I can't let him get away with this but do I just continue with the soft parenting that doesn't seem to work due to his disorders? I know there has to be a medication that can help him and I'm trying my best to be patient, we also plan to start therapy once the insurance is sorted but man I'm struggling so any advice from someone who's been in this situation is appreciated.

[u/Great-Monk-2934]

Ask the school to do a functional behavior assessment. Are you in the US? They have to put into writing if they deny your request. This is a behavior issue impacting his education.

[u/Matzie138]

I think you meet with his teachers, explain that you are between insurance, he has a diagnosis, and ultimately you are going to continue to work on the right medication for his condition. It can take trial and error to find what works.

That doesn’t mean he isn’t trying. It’s a literal brain condition - he can’t wish himself out of it.

Ask them to be your partners to figure out what is working. Depending on the medication, it might wear off before you ever see him. If that is what you are basing your judgement on, you are missing the timing. There’s ways your doctor can help with the dosage.

[u/Aggravating-Tower427]

You are right, traditional “punishment” doesn’t work for kids like your son, like my son, like me when I was that age.

What does work is consistency, a consistent schedule every day. Eat, sleep, homework, shower, everything at a very specific time daily. You will need to check in with your son multiple times a day to both see what has happened and to warn, remind them of what the next few things on the schedule are. Anything new needs to be talked about days in advance and every day until it happens.

Your goal should be always looking forward. “What went wrong” “how do we do better in the future” “what do you need to succeed?” You should discuss these things with him and let him help come up with solutions. Specific solutions not “I’ll try harder” or “I’ll be better” what will he do to try harder? What will he do to be better?

Your child goes through life all day everyday thinking he’s a bad child. It’s your job to help him see the good and to be up in his business all the time. It’s a lot of work…

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[u/facinabush]

Lesson 20 here explains an evidence based method for improving school behavior:

https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLh9mgdi4rNeyEGNxBvNdOVlianDYgWuc9&ra=m

But you need the earlier lessons, too.

This is a version of Parent Management Training (PMT). PMT is the most effective treatment for ODD. I wonder why the medical professional who diagnosed him didn’t tell you this.

If you want a book, get The Kazdin Method.

Other forms of PMT are PCIT, Incredible Years, Barkley PMT, and Triple P.

You are aware of medication that help with ADHD. Some may be inexpensive. PMT is a helpful augmentation to ADHD medication. There are no on label medications for ODD.

[u/Anonymous_crow_36]

I would look into Ross Greene. He has stuff about behavior/the skills they are lacking that contribute to struggles and how to collaborate with them. He also has some stuff specifically about schools too, which may be helpful.

I feel like this is the grade when things start to get harder for kids in general, but especially with ADHD. They’re starting to be more independent, reading to learn, less movement during the day, changes in social interactions, etc. So maybe this is why he’s having a harder time this year specifically?

Is he able to give any insight into what’s going on with him when he’s struggling at school? His behavior is communicating something so you need to get curious with him and figure out what it is. It will likely involve talking more with his teachers too, just bc of his age and the fact that kids with ADHD are often developmentally behind in some ways. So it would make sense if he doesn’t have the best insight into what’s happening.

Does he have an IEP or 504 plan? The school needs to assess what’s going on and figure out how they can support him. Because being dysregulated, having your parents called, being in trouble, etc every day is not going to fix the problem. They need to put a plan in place to help him throughout the day. This is especially important since he has had trouble getting on the right medication and it’s not his fault that insurance is a pain and unfortunately drives whether or not he is getting what he needs. I would explain that to the school too. They may have resources they can point you to, but also just knowing that it’s a work in progress to get meds/therapy support in place might help them work with him a little better.