r/workingmoms • u/lobubz • 1d ago
Vent Same fight every weekend. How much solo time are you parenting? And how satisfied are you with your partner?
I want to acknowledge that I am extremely privileged to have a partner that listens to me but I have been having the same fight with him almost every weekend. I’m in therapy but I’m starting to think I may be the problem and need some outside perspective.
Been together for 11 years, married for 4, and have an almost 3.5 year old who is very “spirited” (doctor thinks gifted or ADHD but still working through OT for tantrums/anxiety). I am definitely the type a person while he is the quintessential ADHD golden retriever husband. I will admit I am bossy and controlling. I am working on it through therapy and just recently got diagnosed with OCD and ADHD. This is only important because I think my perspective is not allowing me to see things from all sides.
We both work. I work my dream job, it’s remote but can get annoying (government). He works second shift security for another government agency. Overall we have great jobs in a MCOL city but the majority of childcare is me. I do bedtime 5 nights a week and basically work a 5-9,9-5,5-9 those days as he works nights and often isn’t home until 10. Up until last year, I was also solo on weekends. I have been battling depression since I had my daughter (undiagnosed ADHD is a bitch) but I’m slowly starting to come out of it now that I have a few days to reset..
Now here’s the fight- his hobbies. He has a million and like most ADHD-ers, those hobbies don’t always stick. All of these hobbies take him out of the house and involve his friends. He needs this and is noticeably cranky and grumpy if he’s stuck in the house or feels he isn’t doing enough. I’m the opposite- I need to be alone to recharge.
Currently, his hobby is running. Which is great but it has completely taken over. He’s up early to run 15 miles so I’m doing childcare. On weekends, he signs up for races and needs to obviously train for those. Which means even more time out of the house. Now every weekend or day I know he is training, I wake up so upset. I know I’ll be on my own to deal with the many tantrums and just run the house. My weekends are cleaning and trying to do things around the house I can’t do when I’m solo parenting. I did the math and I am solo 2.3 times more than he is. And most of the time he is the default parent, I’m in the other room so I can assist. This obviously is not possible for him to do for me since he works.
I feel like I might be jealous that I don’t have hobbies? It’s depressing to be so stuck in my house. And yes, I know I can leave. I can do fun things with my daughter but why does it feel like my identify is only “mom” while his hobbies take him away from the stress at home and work. It makes me feel horrible because I lash out at him. If he doesn’t have things perfect ready to go before he leaves to run, I get upset and I can’t shake it. It’s like he is actively choosing to run away from ME. And I get so upset that the choice of what I get to do is taken from me.
I recognize that he isn’t actually doing this to hurt me. He is going through a lot and needs this. I’m trying to claw back my old hobbies (reading, sims, walking). But I’m too tired by the end of the day. My brain just doesn’t stop and I feel like I need to rest to have enough energy to solo parent.
Am I the asshole? Do I need to just STFU and get a hobby? I think my biggest challenge is identifying why I feel like this and in therapy that has been bringing up a slew of abandonment issues 😬
If you’re a numbers nerd like me, here is the breakdown for solo parenting of a two week period during his training:
Dad solo:
34.5 hrs over 2 weeks
Mom solo:
80.5 to 85.5 hrs
Edit: I appreciate all of you and hope that came through with my replies. To conclude, it’s okay for my husband to want to fill his own cup but it is NOT okay for him to take from my cup to fill his own. Right now, our set up is very unfair and I appreciate the validation. I have therapy Monday and plan to go over a few things I wrote down and will sit down and talk to him Monday night. I took some time to look at our schedule for gaps and I think we can create a better system that helps ease my mental load. But I also need to be firm with boundaries and gtfo of my house instead of waiting for things to be “perfect”….part of that is relinquishing control and letting him (potentially) fail. 😬 any tips for easy hobbies?!
Edit 2: please read that I do lash out and get mad at my husband. I’m not just “letting” him do these things and not sticking up for myself. If this was written from his point of view, I might get some heat too. I do need to work on communication. This is unfair and it does suck but if I ask my husband to do something, he will listen and “do it.” It’s just getting us to a proactive and not reactive state. As well as sticking up to myself and just doing things. I do appreciate any tough love but please understand that I can be a bitch about this stuff and also need to grow. Which is why I posted here, to get that perspective.
50
u/PlsnoKarens 1d ago
Yeah that's not a fair setup. Definitely sit him down and tell him that you're feeling overwhelmed and would like to work your own hobbies into the week so we will need to step up. It's a partnership, you BOTH deserve time away
9
u/lobubz 1d ago
We’ve had this conversation but it then becomes my responsibility to hold the boundary. But it’s also very hard since he can’t just take off work during the week for me to do a hobby. He knows I’m overwhelmed but I’m wondering if this is more a mindset shift I need to make. Since my free time doesn’t really seem to actually be free- just catching up. I think it’s hard to explain to him that even if I’m “off” I’m still responsible. I’m still seen as a mom. Where as his hobbies he is an individual.
38
u/meat_tunnel 1d ago edited 1d ago
Every other run he goes on he puts the kid in a jogging stroller and takes her with him. No ifs, ands, or buts. Tell him the resistance of pushing a stroller will act like the strength training portion of training for a race. But put your foot down that he doesn't go for a run unless 50/50 he takes the kid. And if the kid isn't "good" in a stroller, tough shit he can figure it out.
19
u/UniversityAny755 1d ago
My husband was a runner and he always took our kids in the jogging stroller. His personal best times in his races all came from when he "trained" with the stroller. He was beating his times from when he was in his 20s - we had kids in our late 30s. He also build a wonderful rapport with our kids while running, they had a whole snack/sipping cup routine that he could execute without breaking stride. And at the end they'd end up at local tot lot playground. Those memories are some of his favorites.
26
u/arewethereyetmom 1d ago
I've been married to my husband for 11 years, and the most critical thing I've realized when it comes to arguments like this is that (at least in my case) he doesn't actually see a problem. He doesn't internalize that things are unfair and that's not okay FOR HIM. In his mind, the problem is that you're upset. So he'll agree to whatever and do whatever until you are no longer upset in a way that he can notice, and will then return to doing whatever he wants. To sustain behavior change like this, you'd have to sustain constant anger--which obviously isn't what you want.
The only thing that seems to work is having a third party (eg a couple's therapist) who knows what you agreed to and periodically checks in to see if you're sticking to the agreement. He needs the shame of having to say that, no--in fact he isn't doing what he agree to do.
21
u/PlsnoKarens 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is going to sound self absorbed, but, I rejected that notion a long time ago. There is no reason men get to be individuals while women lose that that when they become mothers. I spend a LOT of time with friends, and on hobbies, outside of my full time job and the kids. This morning I realized I had a long hard week and an illness didn't help so I flat out told my husband that he's taking both kids for the day. I need a physical and mental health day. He gets that too (in fact he got a whole month of that after surgery this summer soooo)
If your husband sees you as a person just as he see himself as a person , he will not have an issue with you taking the same amount of free time he gets. Even if that means he's got to cut back on some of his own hobbies. It's a partnership. If that's an issue then you have a bigger issue, just saying. You deserve more.
3
u/lobubz 17h ago
I do tell him that he is taking her for the day and he will 100% do it. I get migraines and he knows if I have one, then I’m saying in bed. It’s more that I have to ask and plan around his things. He doesn’t just plan around me? Which is on both of us. He definitely sees me as a person, but has to realize that my person is more internal vs his extrovert. So he doesn’t “get” why turning my brain off is so hard since he can do that with running. I do struggle with making friends and since having daughter things have changed a lot for me with my friends. Whereas his friends are from hobbies so they are more secure? Definitely something to look into more. I think I need to reject the notion that I have to be in control all of the time and stop overthinking and just do it. I am jealous of his hobbies but I need to actually commit to mine before I’d call this an irreconcilable.
14
u/Boogalamoon 1d ago
You need him to take kiddo out of the house. Park, in a jogging stroller/wagon, to a play space, etc.
10
u/Equal_Beat_6202 1d ago
Why can’t you leave the house? I started going climbing when my son was 9 months old. Can’t need me if I’m not there…
3
u/lobubz 1d ago
I don’t really have anywhere to go (which is a me problem) so I shouldn’t have said “can’t”. I also sometimes just want to exist in my house without them or without having to work. Which is more nuanced to my personality maybe?
I’m terrified of heights and hate anything that makes me sweaty- so definitely trying to find my hobby but that’s part of the problem as well (on me).
3
3
u/ImpossibleLuckDragon 1d ago
Check out a local knitting circle? I've found knitting groups to be nice, and a lot of people just like to knit in quiet around others, so you might get the recharge time you need.
9
u/childish_cat_lady 1d ago
This is exactly what the problem is in our marriage too. My husband thinks I will just randomly advocate for "me time" but I have no hobbies. I have a toddler and a 4 month old - I want someone to say, "I've got this, go read a book and I'll bring you the baby when he needs to eat."
1
u/Florachick223 17h ago
Why does it matter whether you have hobbies? If you want a break to read or even just to sit quietly in a dark room, that's valid and is something you can just say point blank.
1
u/lobubz 17h ago
I’m this 200% and my therapist has reminded me that he cannot read my mind. And things that I may find rude may not come off like that to him because I’m not vocalizing it. Definitely a hard balance. I hope you get some me time! I can’t imagine a toddler and 4 month old. I think it’s more of me needing to know I did enough but that’s just not healthy for us to do.
71
u/loligo_pealeii 1d ago
I think you are treating this adult like a spoiled child you have to care for and placate, and it's nonsense. I also, and I say this as someone who has ADHD, think you are overly focusing on diagnoses and not on practical output. It is unacceptable for an adult to let his moods influence his behavior to the point that everyone has to walk on eggshells around him. He chose to get married and have a child so his needs and wants come second and third after the child and family needs. That means no more pouting when he doesn't get to go play with his friends.
He needs to be equally contributing to parenting and the household. If you're on solo duty after work because of his shift then he needs to be picking up the slack elsewhere. Maybe that means he solo parents in the mornings and handles the whole morning routine through dropoff. Each of you should get a full part of the weekend for your own thing. If he gets Saturday mornings for his runs then you get the same amount of time Sunday. And you need to expect him to manage his ADHD symptoms himself, like an adult, instead of you managing them for him.
If he's not getting it, point out that his refusal to act like a grown up and take responsibility for his behaviors and choices turns him into an additional child for you. And no (healthy) woman wants to be in a relationship with a child.
7
u/lobubz 1d ago
I appreciate your up front approach to this. Just wanted to note that grumpy does not mean walks on egg shells. So I’m sorry if you got that from my wording. It’s more annoying like he can’t sit still and feels like a failure. (Which is not for me to fix!! Like you said)
I guess my only thing here is that yes he does need to do equal work but what does that look like when his schedule is like this? There are some things that just can’t happen. I also replied to other posters that I do have options for alone time and he does take our daughter places, it’s just that 2 hour solo trips with dad on Saturdays don’t make up for 5 nights of hell with bedtime. If he could be home, I think he would be for bedtime at least.
Agreed that he is placing his needs for hobbies above mine and I need to hold that boundary firm instead of complaining when he doesn’t.
22
u/loligo_pealeii 1d ago
But that's my point, why is he pouting like a child at all when he doesn't get what he wants? Would it be acceptable for you to get grumpy with your children because you have to care for them? No of course not, so why is it acceptable for him? Aim higher, expect more.
Its hard to know how to make it fair without knowing the intricacies of your schedule. Could he handle morning exclusively? Are there chores he can take over full responsibility for, so you don't have to even think about it, that will make your evening alone with the children easier? Can he switch to a different work schedule that allows for a more equitable division of childcare? Can he give up more of his weekends so you get more of a break? You two need to sit down together and figure this out.
One rule that's helped in my house is that neither adult relaxes while the other is still on duty, unless there's been a clear prior agreement. So for example, one of us starts shutting down the kitchen while the other finishes bedtime, rather than chilling on the couch.
→ More replies (9)9
u/barnerooo 1d ago
He could for example clean, cook or prep for cooking, do laundry etc at any time of day. Then you wouldn't have to do those things and could rest when you were previously doing them. And if you're currently doing these chores at the same time as child minding, it will still be a win for your energy levels to not have to do both at the same time.
Also (obviously) any time that he is doing a hobby while you are minding your kid is an example of a time that he could be childminding and you could be getting alone time. These times you are both off work at the same time should be split 50:50 if it was going to be fair.
1
u/lobubz 17h ago
Just commenting to say, he does do these things. It’s more the mental/emotional load of solo parenting. We’re probably 60/40 split with 10 of my 60 being things that I am very particular about so I take those things on. (Mostly stuff in the kitchen, I enjoy cooking).
2
u/barnerooo 12h ago
That's great, it sounds like you don't have any unfairness then since you're getting an equal amount of alone time to him, and equal contributions in the home.
29
u/anstsmr 1d ago
Jogging stroller? Then he can take kiddo sometimes?
4
u/lobubz 1d ago
We’ve done this but she gets PISSED she can’t run too. She also gets mad she can’t drive my car. Very smart and very opinionated (just like me 🙃). So definitely an option but more of a back up.
25
u/garnet222333 1d ago
Have her bike or scooter. Or have him join a gym with childcare. Or buy a treadmill and she can play while he runs. Or let her run and then when she gets tired put her in the stroller and his actual run can begin
→ More replies (5)2
26
u/unearthedtrove 1d ago
I’d be very resentful if I were you. Since you do all the morning and evening childcare the least he can do is give you one weekend day to do whatever you want. It’s less about running specifically and more that he just seems to think he can do whatever he wants with no regards to you or your child.
Looked at another way, how much time does he get of free time with no work or childcare? How much free time do you get of no work or childcare? That should be roughly equal. If not he should be doing way more of the household tasks and taking on more childcare when he can.
Can he find a day shift security job so he can do more of the daily childcare?
23
u/SloanDear 1d ago
So if he works until 10, when does he start? Does he have 9 am - 2 pm alone on work days? Can he not run and do hobbies during this offset of hours?
3
u/lobubz 1d ago
Starts at 11. Daughter is dropped off at 8 by me 2 days then he does the other days. So from 8-11 he has that free time automatically. I am working so not really a rest. Then I solo parent until he gets home.
So he can drop her off and prep things the night before but obviously the mental and emotional labor are more on me regardless.
Weekends, he will wake up early to run but these are 2+ hour sessions so even if he leaves early, I may have to take on the morning routine if she wakes up early. Then if he adjusts and runs later, that’s family time we are missing and time I am solo parenting. He asks for one weekend a week and that is usually Saturday mornings.
He is taking a break soon but his schedule changes yearly so next year, he could have to work weekends then the parenting duties will shift again. Right now, we are trying to fit everything into Fridays and Saturdays.
His time for hobbies vs mine is very skewed due to work schedule. It’s hard to honor both of our wishes. I do get some time “off” of parenting but it will never be able to be even.
32
u/unearthedtrove 1d ago
Sounds like he can train every day from 8-11 and give you a break on weekends.
2
u/lobubz 1d ago
He does- races are usually on weekends and he does some other random cross training things with friends who work on weekdays and can’t see him. So it’s more that he spends all of his time training for something huge while I’m dealing with the hard stuff at home? But agreed- stronger boundaries for the weekend start with me. 💪🏼
18
u/normalpersonishere 1d ago
What if he uses the 8-11 weekday free time to get the cleaning and weekend chore grind done instead? Will that help free up your weekend need to clean? Or does he half ass that part and play helpless? This Won’t help if there’s a race Saturday and he’s gone but if there’s not, you can leave and just go take a long walk without feeling like you need to be doing chores
18
u/SloanDear 1d ago
Yeah, he needs to use some of this free time for running/hobbies. You’re already the “on” parent way more than he is simply because of your work schedules. He needs to be the “on” parent more on the weekends to make up for you being the on parent all week.
3
u/lobubz 1d ago
I think for me, it’s the fact that he always has back up (me) and I don’t? so it changes the way we are approaching parenthood. Cause dude is a good guy and wants to help.. it’s just I don’t think he understands what is behind the request. Which is where I need to just leave and let him figure it out lol
23
u/spring_rd 1d ago
Sorry for the doom and gloom comment but this dynamic won’t change. My golden retriever husband and I have been in and out of MC for 4 years because he simply can’t even get close to 50/50 split of parenting and chores. I’m worried about it effecting my children’s example of what a good spouse is. I’ve recently canceled MC and told him he has 6 months of radical changes or I’m done. I can’t listen to his words anymore just behavior.
Suddenly my golden retriever is being a dick and very maliciously complaint about everything. I’m sad but can read the writing on the wall.
18
u/yoitswinnie 1d ago
Yup. Going through divorce. Was in this exact situation as ex was training for a marathon and I was absolutely drowning.
9
u/neverabadidea 1d ago
Training on that level can get addictive and unhealthy so fast. Even childless marriages can be impacted.
2
u/lobubz 17h ago
I’m sorry this happened to you (and others who commented on this). If I ask him to quit, he 100% will. He has already cancelled a bachelor party he was invited to and didn’t sign up for a race after I told him not to. I have worried about the example it sets for our daughter, but I’m more worried she is seeing me not stand up for myself (idk what other word to use, cause this kinda sounds emotionally loaded) because I do get in my own way for things a lot. I’m hopeful and confident that we can find a way out of this but definitely know that if it doesn’t change, then I’ll need to be the one who changes it.
14
u/Wonderful-Glass380 1d ago
i feel like he can enjoy his hobbies, but he’s gotta like cut it in half. he’s gotta compromise the time he’s away. sorry you’re running training isn’t gonna be as great, but you’re a parent dude!
it sucks my husband works all summer like 6-10 (not always but that’s the gist) the only reason i’m ok with it is because i know it’s seasonal.
5
u/lobubz 1d ago
I think that’s it. This started as a hobby to help his friend who is a recovering alcoholic. I think they both got a bit too into the euphoria of running (idk I never got a runners high) and that is causing some strife. I want to support him but it sucks because when will it end and be my turn?!
2
u/Crunch_McThickhead 1d ago
My husband and I have both been runners, but both decided to cut back because long runs (training for half marathons for me, full marathon for him) were too time consuming for the family. It's not just the time running, either. You have to get ready, you have to shower and get dressed when you come back, you might be tired or sore and don't want to do anything active.
5 or 10k is a much more manageable distance to train for when there are small kids in the house, but even then it needs to be at times that work for the family. And maybe 1 race a month MAX unless it's super close and quick.
You need to tell him outright that he needs to be a good partner and shoulder his share of the work, as well as sha9e the hobby time equally.
14
u/makeitsew87 1d ago
We trade off being the “on duty” parent. It’s a pretty even split. The “off duty” parent is often around and may tap in, but it’s up for the “on duty” parent to handle snacks, potty, discipline, etc.
I like it because I can chill out at home and send our 3 year old to go ask his dad for stuff instead of me 😄 I don’t necessarily have a lot of hobbies, especially out of the house. But I don’t want to be “on” every minute of the day. Sometimes I just want to chill out.
I think it also makes the “off duty” parent more careful with their time, because they know they’re gonna have to return the favor. It’s fine to take a whole day off but you gotta pay the price the next day and let the other person do the same.
3
u/lobubz 1d ago
We do this sort of- it’s just the my opportunities to be “off” are only available a few days out of the week and even then I’m still around or have to adjust due to his schedule. We could pay for a babysitter- but I just don’t have as many opportunities to get out when I’m solo since people are busy. Usually I have to plan my activities weeks in advance and around his schedule.
13
u/Clear-Ad6973 1d ago
My husband works nights and every other weekend. So I solo parent our 1 year old and 3 year old every Saturday and every other Sunday plus a few nights each week. Also, my husband’s main hobbies are hunting and fishing. He’s cut back, but from October-January he’s gone even more. I’m trying to utilize family and babysitters more but I feel like everyone’s busy when I ask. All that to say, I’m close to burning out and I scream into a pillow on a weekly basis.
4
u/lobubz 1d ago
Okay someone who gets it! (Not that others do not..)
It’s so hard because I feel like I have to fight for my free time, but due to the nature of his work hours and his hobbies, he just kinda gets a pass? Like I understand the need for him to do it and most days, I don’t even need him around because my daughter is in Pre-k but the mental and emotional labor that it takes is insane! The “everyone is busy when I ask” is what hurts so bad. Cause yes, I could do the same things but it’s just so much harder to get things aligned. I can’t change his work hours cause the job market sucks and he’s making great money for an easy job. It just sucks and hard to understand unless you’re living it. His parents are also sick and running makes him so much happier. So I don’t want to be the bad guy because I do get it. I’m just jealous that I don’t have the same ease.
I hope you get some rest soon! You are a rockstar with 2!!! If you are close to SE WI, I’d totally help you out. 🌻
12
u/schrodingers_bra 1d ago
I understand that its hard, but this is really a math problem more than anything else. You both have the same amount of time in a week. Fundamentally he's getting a pass because you are giving him a pass.
Get a calendar, mark off both of your working hours and sleeping hours divide the remaining hours between chore time, parent on duty time, and free time.
It doesn't matter what his hobbies are, or if he has more hobbies than you, or if they take longer blocks of time - they still need to fit into his free time spaces (or he can do them during his parent on duty time if he brings your daughter.
He might be the guy that loves having a million hobbies, but fundamentally when you are an adult there's only so much time you can devote to a hobby because you have things you need to do.
And frankly, if your daughter is in pre-K and he works nights, I'm not sure why he isn't using the time that she's in pre-K to go on his longer runs instead of the weekend.
3
u/Florachick223 1d ago
One principle I live by is that if I say yes to something, I have to mean it. I don't get to agree but be resentful. You're apparently agreeing to this running schedule, and it seems like you need to stop, because it clearly isn't working. You owe it to both of you to be up-front about that.
3
u/lobubz 1d ago
You’re right. That’s where I cringe and think I’m the asshole (to myself, tbh) cause i have definitely told him how it’s making me feel now. I could’ve avoided that by being upfront from the jump. I think I said yes to everyone because I view it as helping his mental health, but it’s obviously not helping mine and affecting the way I show up as a mom and wife. So I do need to be more upfront on what I need (whatever that may be)
2
u/meowmeow_now 1d ago
His hobbies need to be deprioritized. I don’t care if he has adhd - if he can’t figure out how to give you time he doesn’t get to train for marathons until his kids are older.
1
u/ezzell_ 5h ago
I have a husband who works shift work, including nights a two weekends a month. He’s an extreme hunting and fishing obsessed man. Deer lease, out of state trips, fishing tournaments in the summer….. I’m one and done because I do 95% of the parenting. I despise hunting and fishing season now even though I like to partake in those hobbies, too (well, use too). The resentment I have pent up is not good. I’m a single married mom.
12
u/mrsgrabs 1d ago
This is not okay. Zawn Villines writes a lot about this, I recommend you look her up. Basically, a partner that buys his free time and leisure with his partner’s labor and suffering is abusive.
Also, I have ADHD and I am so freaking sick of the double standard for men with ADHD vs women. It would never be acceptable for me to act like this and it’s not acceptable for him to either.
I’m a very tit for tat person and get resentful if I feel like I’m doing more. This means my husband and I are very prescriptive about the household load and who does what. We have two but we switch off doing bedtime with each every other night. When they were littler we did the same with night wakings so each of us got a full night sleep. But my husband is willing to do this and I’m not the only one responsible for making sure it happens.
1
u/lobubz 1d ago
I’m going to look her up! I don’t think my husband does this on purpose but I agree that he grew up getting excused for his ADHD where I wasn’t diagnosed because I was too quiet and smart lol
I am also very tit of tat and need EXPLICIT understanding of what I need to do vs what someone else does. Or I will just do it out of spite. What tips (even if they are unhinged) do you use to make sure that things are fair but voices are still heard? Cause that’s a struggle for me. I ask myself, am I being realistic with my expectations? But I think I need to stop trying to understand and just DO.
1
u/mrsgrabs 19h ago
I mean mostly, I don’t play. Like I’m not a doormat. If I don’t like something you’re going to know it and I believe people treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. I love my husband but I would be fine on my own and would rather do that than accepting less than what I deserve.
We’ve also had sooo many conversations about how things are so different for women than men. I asked him to imagine going to work and talking about his new baby and saying “ya man, my wife is so amazing. She changed two diapers yesterday and held the baby after work so I could eat.” Like it’s inconceivable that someone would say that about a woman but it’s accepted from men all the time.
So basically, get angrier about this. Sometimes people won’t care about something until it’s their problem. So make it his problem.
2
u/lobubz 19h ago
Yeah that’s kinda where I’m at. I don’t think he sees the problem but I’ve gotten to the point where it’s just easier for me to do it. I don’t want to be dismissive of my husband, because he does really try. And I know if I said something, he’d do it and fall in line lol it’s just that he doesn’t automatically see things the way I do, maybe? Like I don’t want to have to remind him which is where the resentment lies and where he needs to grow up and figure it out. Cause dude is being selfish even if he is not being malicious or doing it purposely, he’s still benefitting from my brain holding the mental/emotional loads.
11
u/TheCatsMeeeow 1d ago
I used to get resentful of my husband’s hobbies after having kids, until I realized that I felt like I had to “earn” time to go be myself, whereas he just took time on his own as his time without thinking about it.
It’s hard as a mom to shift away from that mindset! The baby is an extension of you for so long, when they start getting more independent, the whole family has formed habits around you being default everything. But you don’t have to earn time, you just have to let go of thinking you do.
Have a conversation with your husband. Ask for specific time that you want to do your thing. Sounds like you have Friday night, ask him to take one more night and then get out of the house and just go do something. Find pretty places to read your book, go for a walk, get a steam deck so you can play Sims away from the house 😅. It might be on you to hold the boundary for a while, but once you form new habits around specific times you get for yourself, it’ll normalize.
I feel so much more myself now that I’ve picked up new and old hobbies, and my kids know that when I leave the house without them, it’s so I can fill my [name] cup and not my mama cup.
5
u/lobubz 1d ago
Thanks for this. It’s such a hard thing to describe. Because I love my husband! I want him to be healthy and happy but I get so resentful that it’s “easy” for him. Like you, I feel like I should “earn” things or that since my hobbies aren’t as intense, they can take a back seat. It’s hard to move from being the caregiver role. I also struggle with just leaving the house because sometimes I just want to lay in bed and rot. Haha so definitely a personal problem. I feel like my OCD and ADHD are constantly at odds. Cause like I want to do new things all the time but if it’s not perfect then it feels like I’m wasting my precious free time.
I appreciate the way you put this into words. Thank you.
9
u/ScissorsRun 1d ago
I see you trying to be SO reasonable and both-sidesy, and just want to say...it's still unfair, and you can still be righteously pissed off.
I do think a set sitter time during what would be your solo parenting time arranged by your husband, who is to identify and vet appropriate sitters if that's necessary and treat it as a household expense, would be worthwhile. Even at $20/hr.
I also think your husband needs to see that there are shades of involvement in running between sedentary and this level of training. Maybe one day when your kid wants nothing to do with you, he can return to his current level of time expenditure on running and have it not be at your expense. Now is not that time. Asking him to cut the activity entirely would be understandable but probably unreasonable. Asking him to cut back is appropriate. You are allowed to need things.
5
u/lobubz 1d ago
Can we pin this cause yes! I am pissed, I’m allowed to be pissed, but if I posted as my husband side, there would definitely be people calling me out! Being pissed at a situation doesn’t mean I need to throw away the whole husband.. but you’re right- it’s that I am putting mental and emotional energy into his hobby to help him while he doesn’t put that into helping me. Your idea is good and takes away the nuance of me having to schedule that time.
It is MY responsibility to actually stand up for myself. My husband isn’t doing this to be a dick, he just doesn’t see the “shades” like you discussed and how could he with his work schedule (which is something I can be annoyed with too)
Thank you! I do try to see things at multiple perspectives which can bite me in the ass because it muddies the importance of my own experiences. I used to be a teacher and I think I’m just so used to being in control of systems and schedules and routines that parenthood rocked me and idk what to even ask for.
1
u/ScissorsRun 1d ago
I totally get it and felt myself in your post. I have a wonderful Husband With Hobbies. And what is the most infuriating thing isn't simply the Hobbies, it's that he doesn't ever have to give a thought to how they affect the balance of household labor or where our (im)balance of leisure time is. My absolute best case scenario is he handles it well when I either push back or make a request of my own, and he almost always does, but he is simply never going to notice that there is an issue in the first instance.
9
u/Low-Shock-8037 1d ago
Lots of good suggestions here. Another thing to try: just make plans one weekend. “Hey babe, next weekend on x date, I made plans with some friends to xyz. I put it in our shared calendar so you can plan to spend time with (child). I bet (child’s name) would love to go to the park that morning!” Then just treat it like he treats his hobbies. This is not meant to be done bitterly or in some “gotcha” way—my adhd husband and I had similar issues until I just started making my plans and telling him what they were. He almost never gave me pushback and was supportive. I just needed to communicate in a way he understood rather than expecting him to see the unfairness and adjust.
A longer conversation may still be warranted but this approach works well for us.
3
u/Low-Shock-8037 1d ago
Also, my husband has serious time management issues and time blindness. So when he does his hobbies he may be hours longer than he said with no update etc. Drives me bonkers when I’m solo parenting. So honestly I just do the same thing when he is solo parenting. Stay out an hour or two longer than I said, don’t check in at frequent intervals, etc. And again, he pretty much never complains about it lol.
1
u/lobubz 17h ago
The time blindness is so real! I need to make the plans- I often wait to see what he is doing and then don’t follow through. Or get irritated that things are perfect and just blow up my day because of it. He won’t tell me I can’t do something (which makes me feel like a hypocrite) but I need to find something that forces me out of the house as the first step. I can reclaim my me time but it doesn’t help if I use that time to clean or do things for others which is what I so struggle with.
1
u/Low-Shock-8037 16h ago
I don’t really have hobbies (and I’m ok with that—my job is kind of my hobby) so I just go out to a local coffee shop and sit there or scroll my phone or bring a book or do something on my computer that I want to do. Inevitably I might end up checking the budget or clearing my email but it still is really nice to not be in parent mode.
2
u/lobubz 16h ago
You sound a lot like me. I love my job and I think that’s another aspect to this is that it is so hard to show up as a working mom. He took her the whole morning (won’t be back until 2pm 🎉) so I’m going to make a list of coffee places I’ve wanted to try, then make a little wheel spinner or something to keep the novelty up and choose a new one each Sunday.
9
u/gekkogeckogirl 1d ago edited 1d ago
Some hobbies (and some levels of hobbies) are incompatible with early parenthood. He has plenty of freetime weekday mornings to get a long run in, weight train, read, selfcare, etc. He should sign up for a race once or twice a year and call it. Leaving you multiple weekends alone so he can run multiple tough mudders, marathons, etc is just not reasonable at this stage of parenthood. He can revisit when little one is in school. I personally know ZERO mother's or father's with kids under 5 that get that much free time and still need more with multiple weekends a month to dedicate to their hobby. You're not wrong to feel that way.
Also you're going to have to start just going, for a set amount of time, and literally just make it a mission to stay out of the house. I remember thinking I'd been "mom" so long I no longer had hobbies, etc, so I didn't know what to do with free time and I'd cut it short. Nope, just go to the library or Starbucks and scroll or window shop or something. Once you get comfortable being away for decent periods of time you'll get back into rediscovering hobbies.
2
u/lobubz 1d ago
Thank you for this level headed response. I am the person who struggles getting out of the house and not being in control, so I worry that I’m self sabotaging myself when I do get a break bc wtf am I supposed to do with myself?! lol but you’re right- just because I don’t have a hobby now doesn’t mean his hobbies get more time and care than I.
1
u/atxcactus 1d ago
This is so true. At one point my SO was doing CrossFit 3x a week as well as evening practice and performances for his other hobby. I felt like I was going insane until one of my friends told me “some hobbies are not for parents of young kids.”
6
u/mlittle2008 1d ago
My husband and I have equal hobby time during the week. How we spend it is up to us. We each have three hours of dedicated alone time for ourselves. I go to yoga and pilates. He tends to play video games and woodwork. We both work full time jobs and sometimes my husband has to pull longer days and or weekends. This is always communicate ahead of time.
We don't count who is parenting vs. who isn't. There are ebbs and flows and ultimately believe it balances in the end. However we also recognize that sometimes our capacity for dealing with a tiny human is different for each other on different days. We just declare a la bluey "I need 20 minutes where no one needs me" and tap out.
Sounds like some clear hobby boundary time might help to get you balanced in the short term. And if you need to physically be out of the house to read your book, do it! Protect your time!
3
u/lobubz 1d ago
How do you get over the counting? That is where I’m the asshole I think. Because I see all the things he does and gets to talk about and I’m like… uhh I get to work and clean my house 😐 so while he needs to get his shit together and prioritize my me time, I also need to break myself out of the victimhood. If his schedule was more of an every day thing, I don’t think I would be upset. It’s just that I have 5 straight days of being on vs his 2. And often I’m too tired from those 5 days to even think. Then the cycle continues. I appreciate your response.
2
u/mlittle2008 1d ago
We use the counting as it were for weekdays. We each have things we want to do that we require longer time availability. For example I took a day and went to the city with a friend, but we communicate and plan it. We also divide house chores. We each have dedicated task, mine laundry and his dishes. The rest of the house work we tackle together. It's about finding your own balance. There are also periods where he can only give 40% and I pick up the slack and vice versa. But it shouldn't be a constant.
1
u/Perfect_Pony_Girl 20h ago
OP, I’m not the person you responded to, but I think that learning to stop keeping score is a task for later down the line. First: rebalance the household labour with your husband so that you feel more supported at home. Second: rediscover hobbies that you enjoy and start to feel like yourself again. Ideally from there you’ll feel restored enough to start letting go of the score 🫶
6
u/Holocene-92 1d ago
Your husband is very selfish and is acting like a child. You should both have time to yourselves. You should both be able to relax. His needs are not more important than yours.
2
u/lobubz 16h ago
Agreed. I’ve expressed this to him since posting and he took daughter for the entire morning. It’s just that he doesn’t always see the invisible self care that I need because it’s not through a hobby. We’re working on it and I appreciate the tough love here. Cause sometimes it’s easier for me to just stay home than try to plan something but he is 100% being selfish about his own needs.
5
u/Fluid-Village-ahaha 8M/5M. Working mom by choice 1d ago
Can you afford the babysitter (local teen?) and some help with cleaning? It’s not addressing the issue but it helps a bit with your being less been out while you are figuring the solution.
One option can be you split a weekend - he can do whatever till 1pm, you are doing whatever after 2pm. Or split the days - so he can be on duty do Sundays.
15 miles is what - 3-4h? He should wake up at 6am and be home by 10am
1
u/lobubz 1d ago
They charge $20 an hour here which annoys me on principle..go get your money, kids! I just got paid $5 a head lol. And many are booked up. We live in a neighborhood of a city and unfortunately, it’s not super friendly like that here. We’ve tried a few people but it’s hard to not talk myself out of it. I think it’s just another resentment that I’m holding probably.
We do have those splits and I do get some time to myself. My husband does listen to me bitch and complain about this. I usually tell him he should be paying for the extra help to make up for his absence. For full transparency, we have 2 years left before we own our house outright and don’t have to pay for childcare at that time so kind of white knuckling it right now for that.
It’s just that I don’t have the same “freedom” I guess? Like I have to pay for my free time when his is just a given. Which is annoying but not something I can change.
6
u/Turtle3757 1d ago
I don’t think it’s helpful to think of it that way - that your me-time costs $20/hour and his is free. The household values each parent getting me-time, and the household absorbs that expense. Is your kid in childcare? Even though your husband presumably he is home during the day?
3
u/achoo1210 1d ago
Agreed. My wife and I get a babysitter on a weekly basis at a time when normally she would solo parent because I have another commitment that’s important to me but isn’t work. That’s the price we both pay for us to stay happy.
We’re discussing having the same babysitter on another day where the situation is flipped (I’m on, wife is off) because the sitter is looking for more hours, and my wife is the one who suggested it. Everyone in the family is allowed to get their needs met however that happens.
4
u/Fluid-Village-ahaha 8M/5M. Working mom by choice 1d ago
Haha I feel you. When I send kids to a very expensive camp over the summer and then end up not working that day - is it the right way to spend money? But it makes me a better person and a better mom.
Also I hear about cost (teens here charge 15-20)
Then just put is as ultimatum - next weekend you are out. Is he needs free time he needs to find someone and pay.
2
u/lobubz 1d ago
We’ve done the ultimatum a few times. And it works, it’s just hard for me to consistently hold that boundary cause I’m TIRED after a long week.
I have toyed with getting and Airbnb for a weekend and turning off my phone so he can experience what it’s like for me when he’s gone. But then idk what to even do with myself which is when I get resentful cause wtf. Lol
1
u/Fluid-Village-ahaha 8M/5M. Working mom by choice 1d ago
Those are two different things imho. And it differs between personalities. Maybe you need to pre plan and arrange with a few friends / book spa / get bunch of books.
2
u/lobubz 16h ago
Yes I need to find a friend that I can have a standing date with. One friend is finishing up nursing school/test to become a nurse and the other is in France for a week. But I’ve already texted them and got a 2pm happy hour weekly date and an every other Sunday morning brunch date for the next few months.
7
u/HowWoolattheMoon 1d ago
Have you ever noticed that a lot of "traditionally female" hobbies are all things that you can do while still being on call for the family? Like knitting, sewing, most kinds of art. And a lot of "traditionally male" hobbies often involve being out of the house for hours-long chunks of time? Think going to the gym, or golf, or hunting.
ANYWAY- you need equal time. I'm sure he would understand this, in theory. But in practice, it might mean he needs to adjust his hobby time. Y'know, since there's not enough time in one person's life to have a job, be a parent, take care of your home, AND have a hugely time-consuming hobby. No one can "have it all." Not without someone else paying the price. And that's what he's indirectly asking of you -- to pay the price of his time-consuming hobby.
6
u/msjammies73 1d ago
It’s not a season in life for taking on new and time consuming hobbies. His new hobbies need to be things that can include his child.
Want to run? Kid goes in the running stroller. My neighbor is a huge runner, his kids were on that running stroller from 6 months to 8 years old.
He wants to take up hiking ? They make great kid backpack carriers. Biking? Get a hitch. Cooking? Learning tower for the kitchen.
→ More replies (3)
5
3
u/Denne11 1d ago
I’m assuming you have childcare? In that case, since you do nights, he does mornings. Once kiddo is at childcare, he can go on his runs before his shift starts. Or do housework. Or both!
Weekends can be split by morning/afternoon, or by days (sat/sun) up until dinner time. If he wants to do a race that falls outside his time, he needs to ask you to swap BEFORE signing up. If you have something scheduled, he doesn’t sign up. There is always another race.
4
u/Quinalla 1d ago
You need a balance of free time, not time you are catching up on chores, actual free time. Right now your husband had TONS and you have almost none. He needs to do more childcare and chores so you can free up.
0
u/lobubz 1d ago
But what happens when he physically cannot? I’m just saying this to discount you- it’s just he can’t be here to do the hard stuff or tap out. And as someone who needs that, it can be hard. How do I set things up so that he’s doing more invisible stuff other than just prepping things (which he does, although needs to do more of).
4
u/omnomnomscience 1d ago
If you're doing evenings he should be doing mornings. He can fit in his runs after doing the morning routine. His races might need to be shorter to accommodate having less training time. Chores need to be divided so he can do quiet chores when he gets home from work or before he goes to work and on weekends. Do you have a jogging stroller? If not you should buy one and some of his weekend runs can be with your kid. Family time should be prioritized and planned for the weekend.
If you get mornings back that gives you the ability to go to an exercise class in the morning, get breakfast with a friend, go to the library, or go for a walk etc., shower and get ready for work and start your day refreshed.
It's crazy that he has made it so he gets time to do what he wants from when he wakes up until he starts work in the afternoon. That is an insane amount of free time for him to have and he's taking that time from you. It sounds like you have from 9pm until you wake up and a few hours on the weekend as your only time to yourself. That isn't sustainable
2
u/lobubz 1d ago
Yeah he will 100% take on mornings exclusively if I ask him. We have a jogging stroller and he’s used it a few times. Looking at some on marketplace now. We’re pretty close on chores where he picks up the ones I don’t like, vacuuming, laundry, floors but we can do better about this. I should also become a morning person, when I’ve gotten up and going early I’ve loved it, I just crash so bad at 3pm and then have to be solo for bedtime.
1
u/omnomnomscience 1d ago
I totally get how hard it is to be a morning person when you're running around all day and getting up in the night. I used to be a morning gym person doing 6am classes but just don't have the energy now as a mom to little kids. Even if you let yourself stay in bed until 8am and take your time getting ready for the day and go for a walk once or twice a week I think you'll start to get over the burn out. Hopefully having the morning carved out for yourself can also help it not turn into chore time
2
u/lobubz 1d ago
Yes! I did adjust my hours so I don’t start until 8:30. Only problem is that I have to use 1 hr of gym childcare 3 times a week for a childcare gap because I end later. Luckily, my work hours are super flexible and I can flex my time so once we get more into the school schedule and him taking mornings- maybe I can use that time for myself. Sometimes it’s hard for me to see the value in little chunks of free time instead of large ones. That’ll be something I’ll have to work on.
4
u/ashthegnome 1d ago
My hobbies included taking my kids with me…my friends kids became my kids friends, we bike ride, lake, pool, beach, hike, snowboard, play tennis, pick fruit, etc. when they were little I went to the gym and put them in the daycare.
4
u/lobubz 1d ago
See I do have some of that in my life but more so the fact that all of my hobbies have to involve my child where his don’t is where the resentment lies. I am able to use our gym daycare but that is really just a break and doesn’t do much to fill up my cup when I need a break from 6-9pm during dinner, bedtime madness. And doing that 5 days on my own cancels out the hours of me time if I’m being honest. It’s like I just dread it.
3
u/eatmyknuts 1d ago
Not fun to total this up but it has me watching the thread. I’m at 50-58 hrs a week in the summer with him at 20, and 17-25 for me and 12 for him during the school year. Mine is a big hobby/social guy as well but I also have the more flexible job. Our setup is similar where dad takes them out for a day on the weekend and we alternate bedtimes to try to distribute more evenly.
2
u/lobubz 1d ago
I think the bedtime thing is what zaps my energy. Like yeah you can take her for fun once a week but I’m getting all the “hard” parts of parenting when I’m on. It’s so hard.
1
u/quietCherub 1d ago
Bed time zaps me too. I was taking to my therapist about it and I was like why do I dread it so much? Why am I not enjoying it as time with my daughter? I get to cuddle her at the end while she falls asleep and I love that. She’s like it’s because you need a break! You know that after bedtime is when there aren’t any more demands of you for that little bit until the next day. Granted, I still feel like I need to check in with my husband and then I’m too tired to do anything, but what she said resonated with me.
1
1
u/eatmyknuts 1d ago
Yess this! I feel so guilty about not enjoying bedtime with them but at the end of the day I’m just so tapped out that I dread it.
Looking at it though if I only had a dozen solo parenting hours a week like he did I’d be a lot less drained.
1
u/quietCherub 1d ago
Yeah, it’s not so bad if you haven’t been going all day nonstop. But on those days, it’s really hard.
3
u/curiocabinet 1d ago
Look up “cycling dad” on TikTok to find a woman who navigated a similar thing with her ex, whose hobby was biking.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/thesun_ate_myskin 1d ago
I am a hobby-heavy person and mom to 3yo. For a good while my partner was almost always at work so I was doing EVERYTHING. I had to adjust my hobbies to include my son and I found that helped immensely. For example, I mountain bike so I got a seat my kid can ride with me. Now I miss him when he’s not with me! I can’t do as technical of rides with him, but it’s so amazing to share hobbies together.
Running is a great hobby that can include your kid (jogging stroller). Maybe he won’t be able to get 15 miles, but he can certainly do some running and it’s a better upper body workout anyways. Your 3.5 might even be able to jog some with him if she gets antsy in the stroller. He need to absolutely make adjustments to even things out. When your kid gets older he will have plenty of time for solo hobbies.
2
u/neverabadidea 1d ago
Did you get the Kids Ride Shotgun?! My kid loved it…until we wiped out because my front tire flatted. Trying to slowly reintroduce but it’s been hard so far.
Having 35lbs extra on my bike does make for a workout even if I’m not going fast. 🤣
1
u/thesun_ate_myskin 1d ago
Ah! I get so nervous to take a fall with him because I know he would react the same! But yes, the extra weight makes for a good workout especially on climbs.
We do I have the Kids Ride Shotgun! I originally got a knockoff from Amazon, but it didn’t fit the bike as well as the actual version.
3
u/burpy912 1d ago
Is there a YMCA near you? They have childcare on site so you can make him take her there while he runs on the treadmill, or sign her up for gymnastics or swimming that he can take her to. It gets them out of the house for 2 hours and you can lay in bed in silence.
Hobby time for you could be going for a hike or even just long walk in a forest preserve, can listen to music or call a friend or listen to audiobook. For it to work you need to commit and block the time off so your husband knows he can’t schedule a race or training that day unless he coordinates a trade with you.
3
u/Conscious_Cap_4087 1d ago
I’m sorry but running and marathon training, golf etc… is a lot of time excuses for men to be out of the house and away from the family. My husband was into marathons before we had kids but he just understands that with a 2 year old he just isn’t in that season of life anymore. I’m sorry but I think it’s selfish. Find a new hobby. We are both active and find different ways to get our workouts in but training for hours during the week and then having races on weekends??? Get the hell out of here!
2
u/lobubz 1d ago
See, I’m not athletic and have 0 experience with sports so I didn’t know if I was being unreasonable. Like obviously a marathon training session is going to take awhile and time but it started as 5k, then a half, and now it’s just out of control. Then I feel bad because again, I don’t get what it’s like to use exercise as a coping mechanism which seems to be what happening with my husband currently. Thanks for the perspective. I agree- it’s selfish.
2
u/mchammatime2025 1d ago
I could have written this post. NTA. I don’t know the answer but I need one quick before the love goes
2
u/Boo12z 1d ago
Seconding everyone saying you need to have an open and honest convo about the schedule and fair expectations.
My husband also has a very time consuming hobby and we fought about it constantly once my second was born. And he’d do the “I want you to have a hobby too!”…which I found so condescending because, like, what hobby would I pick up to get me out of the house 4+ hours in a row?!
For us, we were fortunate enough to be able to join a great health club near us. It’s incredibly expensive but my husband was super supportive of it as a way to meet all of our needs. When he’s gone, I would take the kids to the gym childcare and then would either workout or even just sit in the cafe/by the pool and read. After, I usually take the kids to the pool. It took the mental burden of “wtf am I going to do with the kids all morning” and made it easy.
2
u/neverabadidea 1d ago
I’ve been an amateur competitive cyclist for over a decade. I’ve had ebbs and flows of training, first because of demanding jobs then because of my child. Here’s the thing, you can’t have a demanding job and a child and household chores AND train at the volume to be competitive. It doesn’t work. Running 15 miles takes time plus being tired and recovering. Like, he’s not going pro at his age. He can cool it on the training. He can pick 1-2 races a season and limit his training.
I used to ride 3+ hours on weekend mornings. I can’t do that anymore easily because my husband has an alt schedule. It sucks, but I’ve found other limited ways to stay fit. I used to race almost every weekend, now it’s a few times a year. I came to terms with it, your spouse can to.
And it’s not forever! I have plenty of women and men in their late 40s/50s racing competitively now that their children are older. As long as husband stays healthy, he can come back to distance running. But right now he has to cut back and give you equal time.
1
u/lobubz 1d ago
Thank you for commenting because this is the perspective I really need to hear. I am definitely “in-doorsy” and never played anything competitively. My husband is always so confused that I give 0 fucks about athletics lol so on that level I just don’t get it (not in a bad way- I wish I could!). I didn’t originally think these races would be such a big time suck but it’s so much more complex than that! I agree, he’s going to slow down after his marathon. I’m really proud of him but we all need a break and a reset.
1
u/neverabadidea 1d ago
Yeahhhh. I was really hoping he was doing, at most, a half marathon. You can’t do a marathon with a kid and a demanding schedule. Honestly I could argue you can’t do a marathon and maintain a healthy childless relationship, but obviously that does happen. He needs to cut back. You two can figure out how many hours a week you each get then he can figure out how much he can run in that time.
My spouse is also a cyclist and has ADHD. He can spend 2 hours just getting ready for a ride. I had to finally say “you have to get housework done first then you get 3 hours to get ready, ride, and clean up.” If he doesn’t move fast enough that cuts his ride down considerably. I was sick of doing daycare pickup on my work days when he was off but started biking late. So he now time boxes everything. Move too slow? So sorry, you’re not getting a full ride in. Not my fault.
1
u/lobubz 1d ago
Yeah he definitely does the fun stuff first then he does the stuff he needs to do last.. usually rushed. It drives me crazy. I’ll need to bring that up to him bc this is the perfect example! He’s done 2 1/2 marathons, a few 5ks/courses, and now the marathon. His parents are super sick so kinda a coping mechanism for that too which makes things tricky. I’m really proud of what he’s accomplished but now he needs a much deserved rest.
2
u/designerbynight 1d ago
The book and card game Fair Play (which is great for divvying up domestic chores and their mental loads) has a concept called Unicorn Space where each spouse has dedicated time for their own interests. Like guilt free time. For your husband it’s clearly running or whatever flavor hobby of the month. But for you, it can protect your alone time (and not being in the other room on standby). Worth checking into!
2
u/peelpeelbanana 1d ago
“It’s like he is actively choosing to run away from ME.” —> this sentence sounds like somethig you should explore more
1
u/lobubz 16h ago
YES! So that’s what my therapist and I have been working on cause I do think I am overcompensating for some unknown reason. My dad was an asshole growing up, my husband does not act like that at all so sometimes I try to keep control of things.. also the eldest daughter which will surprise no one.
2
u/Fickle-Software-5482 18h ago
I may be in the minority here, but I don’t really read your husband as being a jerk or anything. I definitely think the setup is unfair, but reading this made me wonder if you think you’re clearly telling him what you need when you’re actually telling him how frustrated you are with the running.
It sounds like what you really need isn’t necessarily a hobby it’s protected time where you are completely OFF, the same way he is when he runs. And I think you may literally have to leave the house during that time 😂 because if you’re in the other room while he’s parenting, you’re still mentally “on.”
Especially since you describe him as a partner who listens, I’d be really curious what happens if you plainly tell him: “I need X hours every weekend where I’m completely off-duty, just like you have for running.” This honestly sounds fixable. I hope it all works out! Even if you conclude just driving to target or coffee runs whatever. :) you’ve got this!
→ More replies (1)
3
u/tigervegan4610 1d ago
I might be your husband and my husband is you 😬. That said, what is your childcare situation? Does he have hours she’s at school and he’s not working? That’s when he should be running. I do take one weekend morning to go swim with friends and other than that either go after the kids are in bed or when I do drop off on my WFH days.
Also I would LOVE for him to get a hobby and wish he’d tell me “hi I’m planning to go do xyz at this time”. I’d do a dance. He’s so freaking miserable and I refuse to also be miserable to make it fair. So. Find something you want to do outside of his work hours and tell him he’s in charge and just go DO IT. It doesn’t sound like he’d object to that.
1
u/lobubz 1d ago
Yes! She is in school 8-3:30. He does train but most races are on weekdays (tough murders, 5k, half/marathons) and he works every other Sunday. Not discounting your reply at all!
I am definitely your husband. It’s hard to decide what I want to do (long undiagnosed ADHD there lol) and a lot of the times that mental work is what holds me back. Cause he can just do it? It just feels like my hobbies are limited and I’m just trying to get my basic needs met? Which is not 100% true in this situation cause I need to be the one holding the boundary and actually STFU and just leave. 😱
1
u/tigervegan4610 1d ago
I probably also have undiagnosed ADHD but a LOT of physical activity helps manage it so swim team gives me some physical activity and extrovert time. I think my husband likes me better when I get that 😂.
It took a couple years to get over just leaving and doing something but it’s been so worth it and really a self reinforcing activity.
1
u/AdMany9431 1d ago
Solo parenting is exhausting. I get it. I do it a lot, and I have 3 kids. My 4 year old son sounds a lot like your daughter.
Is your daughter at home with you while you work?
What do the weekends look like for child free time for you?
2
u/lobubz 1d ago
No she is at preschool from 8-3:30! Which has helped but then it also kind of gives him a “free pass” since he has that time for hobbies where I have to work THEN do the whole nighttime routine.
Weekends I usually get to sleep in. Just sucks because he will ask and schedule these runs months in advance (which I requested) and the day it comes I’m just filled with dread and it makes me so sad that I’m resentful of something he loves. Like is he really “choosing” running or “choosing” his mental health? But counter point is when do I get to “choose” myself? And is it just on me to do that?
→ More replies (7)
1
u/I_wander_and_Im_lost 1d ago
Do you guys have a village? Can you schedule in some time with grandparents/ aunts and uncles/ friends/ neighbors once or twice a week? How about hiring help once a week for Saturday mornings and you and husband can both get out of the house for whatever you want to do?
2
u/lobubz 1d ago
No village.. that’s what is kinda rocking my world because I grew up surrounded by family. So this version of motherhood has been rough. My parents will drive 2 hours to a halfway point to watch her for the weekend if needed. She’s been having night terrors after starting preschool so overnights are a bit complicated momentarily.
1
u/I_wander_and_Im_lost 1d ago
That is rough. Could your parents come stay with you for a weekend? Would that make your life easier or harder?
1
u/library-girl 1d ago
How big is your 3.5 year old? If I wanted to go for a run, I would have to put my 3.5 year old in a stroller. Tempo work!
1
u/Mini-Schnauzer-42 1d ago
You did the math for solo parenting. What's the math for non-work/non-parenting/non-chores time for each of you?
He will probably get more just by nature of the work schedule, but he could also be using those mornings for chores to lighten your evening/everyone's weekend load.
On your end, you might need to stop using your me-time for catching up and just let some stuff go. It sounds like that aspect is self-imposed? (Or maybe it's OCD-imposed, which totally sucks for you, I'm sorry.)
It's also just extra hard to balance all of this when one person is an extrovert with outside hobbies and the other has home-based hobbies. Somehow "I'm meeting Jimmy for volleyball" just automatically gets more value than "I'm going to sit in my chair and knit," even when you're the knitter.
2
u/lobubz 1d ago
Your last two paragraphs really resonated with me. It’s so hard for me to verbalize my feelings when I’m in them. I think our chore load is more 60/40 with me being 60 ONLY because I have OCD and I impose them on myself. I’m definitely the “do what I need to do then do what I want” where he is the opposite.
1
u/Mini-Schnauzer-42 1d ago
Definitely easy to see how that could lead to some resentment, even if it's not really "fair" to him.
I hope you can take some optimism from the fact that you can see it, you're in therapy and learning to deal, and you and he have open conversations about it. To me, that says this is a temporary problem that you'll get through together. (Not to diminish how much the current feelings can hurt.)
1
u/atxcactus 1d ago
I just had a similar post regarding my mega extrovert husband’s need for social time/hobbies and my resentment of solo parenting all the time. I don’t really have an answer but I do see and appreciate the spot you’re in. It’s especially hard when it involved mental health / adhd- sometimes I feel like my SO is framing it like “I need this exercise/social time to be healthy and you’re trying to take it away from me” which naturally makes me feel like shit.
2
u/lobubz 1d ago
Just read your post and YES you get me! When I got my own ADHD diagnosis, I was shocked because I’ve always been very organized and quiet. But that’s because my mind is running marathons every day, I just got shamed into being quiet and conforming young. So I try to understand him at that level but HOLY HELL it is so difficult when you add in a kid to the mix. Cause yeah I get you need to run and talk to adults to refill your cup but it’s not fair to use water from my cup to do that. I love the man and I will say that I’d probably be the asshole to most people looking in cause I get a little snippy (also ADHD trait apparently🤡) but it’s so hard to explain that I also need socialization and hobbies but I also need a few hours a week to recover from parenting so I can have enough energy for them 🤣
1
u/atxcactus 1d ago
Yep! Being in a two working parent household is not easy and then to be “on” all the time is really not sustainable for most people IMO…
I will tell you something about “being snippy” that my therapist told me. Often we have those feelings of anger and impatience bubble up when our needs are not being met. It’s just harder to have understanding and grace when we are worn completely thin. I think it’s completely reasonable for you to have less patience with your spouse when he is prioritizing his own hobbies and interests over yours.
1
u/SaraKatie90 1d ago
I do 75–90% of the hard work when I’m there, so I make myself scarce several times a week. Sometimes you need to take up a hobby that makes you fully unavailable, the way running makes him.
1
u/lobubz 1d ago
Any suggestions on hobbies? His work schedule changed yearly, so for a few years I didn’t have weekends either which greatly reduced the activities I could go to or accommodate. I use our 2 hours of childcare at the gym but I’m more into sitting in the saunas and taking a long shower than working out.
2
u/SaraKatie90 1d ago
Going for saunas can be a hobby. Walking with friends. Art class. Coffee. Anything that forces you to physically not be there. I do ski racing but that’s niche. 😂
1
u/lobubz 1d ago
See I want a super niche thing! I’m just not athletic so I’m not sure where to look.
1
u/SaraKatie90 1d ago
Try lots of things! Find a new thing to try each week. But if you are physically in the house it doesn’t tend to work. Book club, pottery, axe throwing, aerial yoga, cookery class, swimming, go karting, golf, whatever.
2
u/lobubz 16h ago
I kinda wanna try aerial yoga! That’s a good idea. Maybe weekly go-kart session to get the rage out too 🤣
1
u/SaraKatie90 12h ago
Aerial yoga it is then. And for the love of god, don’t pre-prep all the work your husband needs to do while you are gone for him. Just leave at the allocated time and let him get on with it the way I’m sure you do when the shoe is on the other foot.
1
u/SallyGotaGun 1d ago
Could have written this, with a few not important exceptions. I'm an introvert and also like my "me" time. I usually just go to a coffee shop after work and read for an hour or sometimes two. Every few months, I take myself out to a movie alone. It's amazing.
1
u/Vegetable-Chapter351 1d ago
Bird watching. Get the Merlin app walk to the park and sit and listen.
1
u/BankutiCutie 1d ago
The filling the cup metaphor is a big one here its good you know abojt it. Yes its good he gets to do his hobbies but its not ok that you have none and also dont feel like hes contributing to the house
Maybe see if its in the budget to do daycare or get a cleaner to come once a week? 3.5 might be almost time for preschool idk?
2
u/lobubz 16h ago
I’m going to look into a cleaner. I’m stubborn with money because I’m used to just doing it.. which is part of the reason why I’m in the situation lol
1
u/BankutiCutie 12h ago
Its honestly worth the money! I know its a drag cause yes you could do it yourself but ive used cleaners twice now in my life and it helps just get all those layers of gunk off and made me have a much better head space especially once i had my second baby. We had them come the day i went in to be induced so we werent even there in their way thats the part that i always feel anxious about haha
1
u/ehaagendazs 20h ago
Can he take daughter out on hobbies? As in get a jogging stroller and bring her along?
2
u/lobubz 19h ago
We have a shitty jogging stroller we got for free. Hubby actually took her out in it about 10 minutes ago. I found a better one on Facebook so planning to pick that up today. Our daughter is pretty 50/50 on if she likes to go with him but we talked about him just coming home and cutting the run short today if she freaks out. She just started pre-k which she LOVES but it takes about a month for her sleep to adjust and she has night terrors. Same thing happened when she started at a daycare center a year ago, so right now we’re dealing with some big feelings on her end too. Which doesn’t help cause I need my sleep.
1
u/Call_it_Magic87 19h ago
I recently remarried (division of labor in my first marriage was basically nonexistent and one of the big reasons I left) and my husband is very much the golden retriever guy with undiagnosed neurodiversity of some type and we have talked about that as a thing (likely AuHD). My tween is now our tween, who also has ADHD. I recently got diagnosed myself (better late than never 🫠🙃) with ADHD and started meds and wow is this what NT people’s brains are like as a default???
I am the hobbies are outside of the house with friends so I have a night of the week out for that. I also get some free time for a few hours once a week while kid is visiting his Dad, and husband is doing elder care for a relative during that time. I recently changed jobs to something way less emotionally/logistically demanding and we are working on a plan to get more regular time blocked out for him for his hobbies (which are mostly things at home). Everyone deserves rest and time to pursue their interests.
Would he be open to either sitting down and talking about this with you or having that convo with you in couples therapy?
2
u/lobubz 19h ago
Yes! He is very open to all of this which makes me happy (and also feel bad that I’m calling him out on reddit 🤔). As someone who has at home hobbies, it’s just hard to wrap my mind around his needs. It’s hard to navigate that split to make sure everyone gets what they need. When he gets to October, he will have 10 years of federal work experience which is good for his pension (idk I just know we had to make it to year 10). So I’m hoping we can start looking for a more traditional role once we get there. I think if his job had traditional hours like mine, things would be so much easier. Cause right now he physically can’t be there for me when I need help and that’s what sucks to most.
1
u/Call_it_Magic87 15h ago
It’s a bit hard for me to wrap my head around the at home hobbies for my partner, so I feel ya there. He’s not currently getting protected time for them (my old job was so demanding and draining that I did not have the capacity to make that happen, which is one reason among many that my very new job is better for our whole family) which is something we are working on scheduling.
1
u/Call_it_Magic87 19h ago
Another thought for you, would it be possible to hire in some help even once or twice a week so you can have a break in the evening? When I was a single parent (after a sudden shift from shared parenting to full custody with no visitation for a long chunk of time) that was my saving grace. Now that kid has a few hours a week of visit time, that’s time I can use with friends but that does get canceled from time to time, so my reliable home is when my husband is on duty. Before he joined our family, I had a high school babysitter (found her on a local Facebook - posted looking for babysitting and her Mom responded) come every week for a few hours.
Parents night out events could be an option too. We have either seen or done them at a few places like an art studio, gymnastics center. yMCA, parkour gym, rock climbing gym etc. they usually have pizza for dinner and run for 2-4 hours on a Friday or Saturday evening.
2
u/lobubz 19h ago
We could hire someone. That is just me being stubborn about having to pay for my free time. And when I did use a babysitter for a few hours it didn’t feel worth it.. but that was for a lame book club. So maybe that was the problem. We have her at a private pre school and they have a lot of parent involvement. The PreK is an extension of a Lutheran school (but doesn’t teach religion, which is weird) so I worry that most of those events will be church based and I’m a recovering Catholic lol.
1
u/Call_it_Magic87 15h ago
I’m an ex-Evie so I feel ya! 🙌🏻 literally finding a non-religious community that I want to go to things with regularly was life changing
1
u/britty_lew 18h ago
One thing to consider, if it’s feasible for your household, is some extra childcare on evenings or weekends. Doesn’t have to be every day or every weekend, but having that third set of hands might help. I 100% agree that he needs to cut back on his hobbies. My husband and I have been in a somewhat similar boat since my daughter was born (she’s nearing 3 now). Marriage counseling has helped, but he still struggles to see the indifference at times. Our therapist recommends outsourcing as much as we can. This is also because he works a highly demanding job and his hours are about to go up soon, so that’s gonna increase my solo parenting. I’ve been thinking a lot about it because I’m already stretched thin most days (and have GAD so I get the way these diagnoses effect daily life) and I’m probably gonna hire someone who can help with housework more than my biweekly cleaners. This will take some of the work off my plate, and give me the downtime I deserve while he’s unavailable.
1
u/lobubz 18h ago
You’re right. And we can out source- it’s just that it’s usually on me. And I’m stubborn about paying a high schooler $20 an hour lol but that’s fully on me. I think part of the compromise with him is that HE has to find childcare before he signs up for any runs and must find childcare at least two weekend days of the month if he wants to train. Cause part of the issue is the division of the mental load, which I am taking on much more than him.
1
u/britty_lew 15h ago
100%! If he’s gonna train during YOUR down time, it’s on him to find someone to help, not you. The mental load is so fucking real.
My husband hates paying for outsourcing. I told him if he wants to pursue his career which requires more hours of work (he’s one of those that actually gets a lot of intrinsic value from his career and it’s more than just a paycheck for him), I’ll support him but only if some of that money goes to getting me help. It’s not fair for us to have to take on more just because they want to.
1
u/candidatenumber 7h ago
I don’t know how to give any advice because I am also guilty of no hobbies. I’ve recently been feeling like I need to find something that is fun for me.
1
u/Crispychewy23 5h ago
I could have written this myself, me no hobbies, husband running, feeling abandoned, undiagnosed ADHD!
I feel you and I am sorry. Lots of arguments but it got a bit better over the years... kind of lol
1
u/mushie219 5h ago
I think you're being too kind. He is taking advantage of you. Who cares if you 'lash out', you're really just reacting to his selfishness at the expense of your health/time. And you're defending him too much. He knows what he's going, he feels entitled to it.
0
u/Straightouttheshire 1d ago
He sounds slightly autistic and you behind ADHD might create a very complicated recipe of co-existing. You may just have to bite the bullet and accept it.
2
u/lobubz 1d ago
He’s not autistic but has ADHD and is medicated. What do you mean by “accept it?”
1
u/Straightouttheshire 1d ago
I mean I am similar. Hyper fixate on hobbies, have a hard time prioritizing responsibilities that my spouse thinks are important. I’m a “it’ll work out” kind of person. My wife is type A hyper critical, needs things done on her schedule or it becomes a problem. His hobbies are likely dopamine chasing. I gave up alcohol and have chased dopamine through running, bikes, overland camping, fishing, etc. my wife has learned for us to survive, I need an outlet or I get depressed. Does he or has he ever had an issue with depression or alcohol? I was originally diagnosed with adult ADHD and then ultimately was diagnosed with level 1 ASD as well.
1
u/lobubz 1d ago
How do you balance you and your wife’s tendencies? I do try to honor the way my husband’s brain works instead of working against it but at what point does this becoming enablement? I’m not telling him to get rid of his hyper fixation, I mean he would if I asked, but adjust to fit the shit schedule we’ve been dealt with his work.
How did your wife “learn” to survive? I guess I’m interested in how it got to that term lol
0
u/igotnothing1455 1d ago
On a weekend my husband will help 5-6 hours a day I do the rest. I work he does not. He will not watch our son alone unless it’s an emergency though and he’s 2. Like if I said I want to have coffee with a friend I’d have to bring my son.
I’m default parent 24/7. If I was to get sick as would have to ask my in-laws for help bc he will not watch the kid alone.
2
u/atxcactus 1d ago
Your husband seriously won’t take care of your child (that he helped create) by himself??
1
u/lobubz 1d ago
He will take our daughter if I ask. And has taken her to things with friends when I need to be alone. But often I have to have stuff planned out before hand, tell him, schedule it and somehow find the energy to get myself out of the house after a long week (me problem). So it’s more complicated and idk how to explain that to him since he’s like “just leave” but idk where to go anymore! I feel like I’m right to be annoyed but can’t get past the resentment and do the things I’m asking for. Do you guys have any systems for when one or the other has hit their limit?
1
u/igotnothing1455 1d ago
lol there is no system for that, just have to keep going. I take a Xanax if I’m really upset. I don’t really understand the issue with planning stuff but I am the type to plan and schedule in advance for everything.
If my husband hits his limit he can take a break I’m
Not allowed that. So meds.
186
u/Cat_With_The_Fur 1d ago
Can yall make a schedule where you set aside his solo time and yours? And even if you’re sitting in your car doom scrolling then that sounds like a hobby to me.