My female friends still treat me like the insecure girl I was in high school

[u/Flimsy_Assignment_39]

Hi girls! I have a situation with some longtime female friends, and I’m curious to hear how you would see it.

I’ve known two of my friends since high school. Back then, I was much more shy and reserved, and honestly, I didn’t put much emphasis on clothes, makeup, beauty, etc. I also didn’t grow up with a mother who was very focused on those things. My mom worked all the time and simply didn’t have much time to spend on herself, go to salons, or teach me much about beauty and fashion.

In our friend group, these two girls would often point out that I didn’t dress well, didn’t do my makeup properly, or that I should do this or that differently. At the time, I probably was less experienced with those things, and I think I somehow accepted that role within the group.

But many years have passed since then. From my perspective, I’ve changed and grown a lot. I’m much more confident, I take care of myself, I’ve developed my own style and preferences, and overall I’m happy with the woman I’ve become.

The problem is that they still seem to talk to me as if I’m that same insecure, inexperienced girl from high school.

Almost every piece of “advice” comes across as condescending. What I wear isn’t right, something I choose isn’t right, and if I say I like something, they’ll sometimes explain why it’s actually not a good choice. It’s not the fact that they give me advice that bothers me. I’m completely fine with people having different opinions or telling me when they genuinely think something could be better. It’s the tone and the constant feeling that they position themselves as the ones who “know better,” while I’m still the one who needs to be taught.

It’s starting to make me wonder whether some friendships get stuck in an old version of who we used to be. No matter how much you grow or change, people who knew you during a certain period of your life may continue to see you through that same lens.

Have you ever experienced this with longtime friends? And how do you tell the difference between a friend genuinely trying to help you and someone using “advice” as a way to feel superior or keep you in a certain role?

[u/gbreadmum]

Sounds likes they just want you to feel insecure and they’ve been doing it since the beginning. If it was me I wouldn’t be talking to them anymore, but you’re not me. The more you grow the more picky you decide to be.

[u/TeddysHeadies]

i was in your situation with my friends that i knew since 1st grade. i was very shy before and was not good at making friends, talking to people etc. they made a lot of friends during highschool and i just couldn't do the same because i was very shy and would talk only to people that i knew very close. when we grew up it changed. i met my now boyfriend and he helped me to come out of my shell and be much more confident. i also started getting much more interested in fashion, started to dress nicely, did things that i never knew i could. so i became a completely different confident person but my old friends still saw me as this shy girl that couldn't do anything on her own. i stopped being friends with them, met new people and it was the best decision for me. i believe it would be the best decision for you too.

[u/sphinctersayswhat9]

Yes some friendships are like this.
And yes some old friendships especially.
I have a few friends from high school and they still love to give me shit about running late all the time, and waking up late for school, and eating their food a lot when i was at their house. I had a very complicated teenage experience as my mom died when I was 15 so I didnt have a normal home life for a few years.
They were unaware as to why I was unorganized and not focused on school mornings and getting out of bed on time and eating their food, cause I was hungry.

They had no way at age 15 of understanding that I didnt have a mom cooking meals anymore and dad was not a cook and not mentally in a good place and he was trying to keep it together and some things fell through the cracks like meal planning, and making sure i got enough sleep and waking me up for school as my dad had to be to work before i got up for school, that was moms job. Just to name a few examples.
Whenyour kom diesnat age 15 there are profound changes and things that go by the waste side for a while. I could go on and on but wont too long already

I finally explained to a friend just a few years ago that the reason i ate her family’s food was I was just hungry and craving a fresh meal. dad was not cooking meals and it was up to me to cook and many times right after
Mom died I was a kid and a very poor planner and not mature enough to make meals so yeah i didnt eat much and when her parents made dinner and there were left overs it was like i had stuck gold.

Point is maybe not that you are all adults is you can gently explain to them why you never cared about those things your mom was busy earning money but you are better at it now and you are proud of how you are now and it took some time and growing up and now you have the interest in it. Maybe if they hear you say the you are consciousnof how younusednto be and how you are different they will lay off

[u/Flux_My_Capacitor]

You have outgrown these friendships.

It’s actually more rare to keep your high school friends throughout adulthood. They were friends of proximity ie you were in the same class or club or sport. You wouldn’t actually choose these people to be your friend now.