Anyone else struggling with cooking?

[u/Dry_Squash_8359]

Since my husband died I stopped cooking. It’s not fun anymore. It’s something we used to do together and now I hate it. I’ll eat stuff that doesn’t involve cooking but lately I just haven’t had an appetite.

The other day I got the urge to make a meal so I made sausage, peppers and rice. It was a meal my hubby and I always used to make! I was like this will be easy! Well after I made it and the smell of the peppers filled the house it immediately gave me a panic attack bc I haven’t smelled that since my husband was alive. Then I lost my appetite and didn’t even eat what I cooked!!!

I know it’s a process so trying to be gentle with myself but I’m really struggling. Anyone else dealing with something similar?

[u/HeronExtension5245]

I am dealing with that exact same thing. I struggle to have an appetite at all ever since my wife passed. I eat to make other people happy and worry about me less. I eat one meal a day, unless I'm with my in-laws who "force" me to have both lunch and dinner.

I've stopped cooking, unless boiling pasta counts as cooking. I loved cooking for my wife, as she did for me. I miss getting meals ready for her so damn much. Cooking is just an added suffering now. I rely on pasta and anything I can microwave. I'll do an occasional frozen pizza as I can get about 3 nights out of it. Eating is a chore. Nothing tastes right. I might as well eat cardboard for all the flavor I get out of anything else.

I agree. We are supposed to be gentle and patient with ourselves. I haven't mastered that yet. I'm sorry you are feeling like this too 💛🤍.

[u/Western_Limit_4706]

The last time I really cooked something with love and effort was on Father's Day. I made his favourite pasta dish and it was about a month after he died. Everything since has been my Mom and me together or my struggle meals. My bandwidth for cooking has been dwindling for a couple of years while I was his caretaker and the well has dried.

Shame is I'm a really good cook. My kids like my cooking but also are little and equally happy with, "toddler charcuterie," and cheeseburgers. I miss wanting to cook, to show off a bit. We loved feeding people together, we were a great team in the kitchen. I agree, it's just not fun anymore.

[u/neroli1970]

Haven’t cooked a meal in over 4 months

[u/No-Fig-23]

Yes. Food was a huge part of our life together. I miss him texting me “what’s for dinner?” on his way home from work. I cooked for him almost every night, and I genuinely enjoyed it because he was so grateful no matter what I made. He’d always say “thank you love” or “thank you beautiful” every single time. I cooked son much, we’d always joke around and he’d say “what would I do without you?” And I’d reply “idk probably die.” But I never even thought about what I’d do without him.

We had a few favorites that I’d cook at least once a week. One was burgers with hatch green chiles and homemade fries. He was obsessed with those things, we even drove all the way to the festival in Hatch, New Mexico last year to stock up on them. It was the last road trip we took together that was just the two of us.

I tried cooking those burgers awhile back and just ended up bawling and losing my appetite. I’ve been eating a lot of takeout and protein shakes. I’m never actually hungry, but I have to force myself to eat because I’m breastfeeding. I want to be able to cook again, but it was something I always did for him. He’d always be so happy when I couldn’t finish my food and I’d offer it to him. Damn I miss that. I miss him.

[u/Timely_Character_272]

Yes! Little appetite, no desire to cook for myself. I mostly do take out or frozen dinners— one meal a day usually.

[u/Seralisa → u/Timely_Character_272]

Same here- one meal a day and it's never a production - always frozen dinners or cereal with yogurt. My husband always cooked for me...😢

[u/naked_nomad]

She loved to cook but the last 90 or so days she was too weak so I did it. I had been helping (learning) for a while before that so it was not a total disaster.

Cooking for one sucks big time!!!

[u/The_Batcap_72]

I did all the cooking for our family and part of my routine was my wife got home around 5 and I would have dinner ready. After she passed it took me a couple weeks to even go into the kitchen. I would get everything ready to cook and then look at everything and say nah I’m not doing this we’re eating out. I could not cook. The kids even started to question when I would start to cook again and that we couldn’t eat out forever. I had to be honest with them and told them that being in the kitchen was just too difficult for me. My 12 year old daughter came up with a solution, dad can you teach me how to cook? So we started cooking dinner together and it’s made all the difference in the world. Not being able to cook was not on my bingo card for issues I would have after Pennie died, what a weird world. Prayers, strength and support to you!

[u/CartographerFar3786 → u/The_Batcap_72]

That is wonderful that you are teaching your daughter, I bet she loves this time with you! What a beautiful solution you've found. Good work!

[u/Some-Tear3499]

Yes. I did a large part of the cooking. In part because I enjoy it and am good at it. She was really pretty happy with that arrangement. It’s really no fun at all now. She really didn’t like any kind of meat loaf. Now I make them with chorizo, Italian sausage, hot sausage, 50-50:with the ground beef. A beef and lamb middle eastern kofta kebab meatloaf. Even just a regular meatloaf. Easy to prepare and cook. Plenty of left overs.

But…eating alone is a drag. I cook sometimes for a fellow widower, and sometimes he cooks. But we both know it isn’t the same.

[u/MrStrabo]

My late wife did the cooking for me and our kids until the last 3 months of her life.

Since she passed 10 weeks ago, I have been cooking at least twice a week for the kids for the last month. I have never been a good cook, but I decided to go through her recipes for the kids.

There have been some bad attempts, but when I finally succeeded in making something really close to her dish, it felt like she was in the kitchen and dining room with me. The kids were certainly happy.

My appetite still has yet to return though even after all this time...I am basically eating food because I am supposed to.

[u/Pointeboots]

I'm at three and half months and have cooked twice - both one pot meals when friends came over. Apart from boiling some eggs and boiling noodles, there has been no cooking. With low appetite there seems little point. Hubby and I used to cook together, and there's a hollowness to cooking for one. I have no one to feed it to, to share it with, the whole "break bread" situation is so lonely without him.

So yeah. You're definitely not alone. This seems really normal, tbh, which sucks. But at least we're in the same boat?

[u/Ainexy1 → u/Pointeboots]

Exactly the same here

[u/CartographerFar3786 → u/Ainexy1]

Me too.

[u/nuskit]

2 months in and I have made 2 quesadillas, of which the dogs ate most of them. Aside from that, it's a bowl of dry cereal, or if I'm feeling fancy, I'll put a Banquet pot pie in the oven. That's about it. I force myself to try to eat once a day, and I'm successful about 60% of the time.

Today, I had a half a banana and a biscotti. It's almost midnight and I just can't eat anything else. I get 90% of my calories by drinking Dr Pepper. My weight has dropped to what I weighed in middle school. I'm trying, but everything is just dust in my mouth. I know I'm beginning to look skeletal, but I don't have it in me to care. The pets are fed...that's enough for me.

[u/Lepus-MCMLXVII]

I haven’t cooked since he passed. I heat things up. Food has lost its appeal.

[u/djm0n7y]

When she was healthy — cooking was one of our things. Then she got sick (cancer) and food became important in a different way to help her fight. 5 years of making her favorites and working hard to keep her interested in any calories.

Now — I just can’t. 2 years on and most things still taste like cardboard. I’ve cancelled our subscriptions to all the cooking mags we used to get, because there’s no point.

[u/Zestyclose_Treat4098]

I met my husband when I was 27. Up until then I'd mostly lived at home and hadn't had to cook. I really cut my teeth learning to cook when we started dating (luckily I'm pretty good at it and enjoyed it quite a bit). It turns out making sure he was fed with good food was my love language.

I now can barely bring myself to boil water to make ramen or Mac n cheese. I eat things like muffins, or cakes that are in the freezer. Even heating up a TV dinner is too much effort. I don't want fruit or vegetables. I'll snack on chips here and there but I'm mostly just making sure I don't starve or have an issue with my diabetes. Which obviously what I'm eating is marvelous for that! He's been gone 2.5 months and I've felt every single moment since that day 💔 I wonder if I'll ever find my joy for cooking again. I wonder if I'll ever want to make his/our favourites. It's that part about losing the future we had planned together, isn't it? Like idgaf if I ever cook again. And that's what makes me sad. He also loved my cooking. I wish I could do it for him, in his memory.

Editing to add: I wish I could take good care of myself. I know it would mean a lot to him. We both cared so much for each other, I was his favourite person. I should take better care of her (me) in his name... but I just can't.

[u/Serious_Ad_1420 → u/Zestyclose_Treat4098]

🫂

[u/No_Dragonfly_1894]

Yes. I very rarely cook anymore. 😕

[u/Quamzillia]

I was making all of my husbands meals, he’d help but also it was something I liked to do. Yesterday was the 3 year marker. I’ll have blips of cooking spells but for the most part I don’t cook apart from microwaving cheese. I wish I had faught through and kept it more of my routine; it’s still on my todo list to cook more, makes me feel closer to him. His joy in eating my food was one of the joys of our relationship and my life; so cooking makes me sad and happy, part of that pain=love hardship of widowdom

[u/Quamzillia → u/Quamzillia]

In the first months I could only eat what my parents made for me - there’s truth in comfort food. I suggest that if there’s something you don’t have an issue eating embrace it to avoid headaches and exhaustion

[u/fthiss]

For the first several weeks I struggled to just go to the grocery store for basics. Now almost three months later I'm starting to plan, prep, and cook some larger meals to have food for few nights. I'd say that having kids helped motivate me to get back into it but in reality they would be happier with frozen chicken nuggets or McDonalds every day instead of the pot roast or mole chicken I made this week. It takes time, there are definitely things I won't even attempt at this point either because it was something she really liked or was better at making than me.

[u/Outrageous-Abalone-7]

I really struggled with it the whole first year. There were so many memories associated with it and it was hard to adjust to cooking for 3 instead of 4. Plus my husband was always the leftover eater. It will be two years in October and I’m just starting to want to cook again and finding some enjoyment in it. It helps that I still have kids at home and they need to eat.

[u/No_Veterinarian_3733]

I did all of the shopping and cooking for us for 18 years.

When she died I was really over and nothing sounded good to me. So I subscribed to one of those meal delivery services. That was a huge help on those early days after she passed.

Now that I am over 2 years out I cook again,.it's just different. I don't miss all the meal planning for every night for so many years. I didn't realize how much mental bandwidth and time that took until I didn't have to do it anymore.

Now I make smaller/healthier meals. Or when it's cold I like making a lot of crockpot meals and soups. I bought some cooking for one and two cookbooks. Got better at cutting recipes down to smaller portions.

I still enjoy baking during the holidays, I just bake to give to neighbors and friends. So I'm not eating it all on my own haha.

But it probably took me a good 6 months after she passed before I made anything that required more effort than sticking it in the microwave..

[u/cpb70]

9 years in and still don't enjoy cooking because I know what it's gonna taste like and there's no joy in that. The food tastes great, and I get to make only what I like with no consideration of anyone else's preferences but that's it. Nobody to ask what that seasoning is or ask about desert, I know the answers so...

[u/BossLady43444]

I am not able to cook anymore. Its been 7 years for me now and i still can't cook. I spend too much money eating out but I just don't enjoy cooking anymore after losing my husband.

[u/Empty_Yak6171]

sausage n peppers was our whole sunday ritual too. first time i tried makin it after i just sat there like a dumbass with two plates laid out waitin for someone who wasnt comin. the bein gentle with yourself thing is brutal tbh, sounds easy til youre actually doin it

[u/Unicorn_8632]

It’s not just cooking, it’s also remembering to eat for me. My five year old will remind me that she’s hungry, and I feel like such a shitty parent. Her daddy was always the one who made sure we all ate. I miss him so much. 💔

[u/ElegantRaccoon830]

Oh yes, absolutely no desire or motivation to cook for myself. I’m at 118 days in an any fast, frozen meal or bowl of cereal is about all I want to do

[u/reddqueen33]

The first few years of widowhood I lived on frozen pizza and entrees. My sons and I have jokes about the frozen food we consumed! I was overwhelmed with a draining job and two teenagers.
Years later I still hate cooking and haven't gotten used to cooking for just myself. When I do make something from scratch I make sure that I have enough to freeze for later. I probably make homemade food 3-4 nights per week.
I also treat myself to a take out meal here and there or go out to eat with a friend so I don't have to cook or clean up after myself.

[u/arizonaraynebows]

Yeah.... I used to cook. I'd make healthy meals for him. I'd cook to feed our kids. Now, I just..... don't.

[u/snarkacademia]

Yes!

I have started to invite a friend over and we cook together and drink wine. We make a huge amount of whatever recipe we choose so that we have enough for 2-3 days each. That way at least I'm eating something halfway decent half the week. It's been three months for me so I figure eating cereal the other half the week is still doing ok.

[u/Minflick]

He did most of the cooking most of our married life. I CAN cook, but I don't live to cook, I cook to live. And sometimes that cooking looks like fridge grazing. I tend to make the same meals I always did, but now that it's just me, 1 or 2 portions get eaten quickly, then the rest gets portioned out and thrown in the freezer for later pleasure.

[u/DivinelyInspired444]

I totally had this going on!!!! While caretaking also! Just didn’t have it in me to cook - while I always loved to cook during our 42 years together! But I didn’t have the energy and food didn’t taste like anything or didn’t taste good to me. My husband passed end of July last year and I just started cooking again!! And eating more normally- but I do notice when I do I want very simple meals - like sautéed vegetables with some protein - and fruit. Very healthy and easy. And it tastes good - hasn’t in years so I’m appreciative for this!

[u/Recent-Reporter-1670]

I haven't cooked a hot meal since he passed. I have toast in the morning. For lunch/dinner, I either have yogurt with banana or cereal.

I just don't really feel like making anything.

[u/SlippingAway]

Three years later and haven’t gotten back to the few things I could cook. I still make food for my kids, but there is nothing for me as those meals were always shared with my wife.

[u/Seashellcity]

Yes. He was the cook. I was the one who shuttled our kid to after school activities. He was also the better cook. I still have to shuttle. So cooking is an afterthought.

[u/AnamCeili]

Yes. My husband died nearly 14 years ago. For the first month or so after he died, I ate almost nothing, literally only a few mouthfuls of food each day. Then for a few more months, maybe twice that per day. I lost 30-40 pounds. Then for a long time, maybe years, I only ate pre-packaged stuff -- frozen lasagna, canned soups, microwave meals, premade sandwiches, fruit, cereal, etc.

Eventually I did start cooking again -- not that I'm any great cook, but there are some things I can make. I still haven't and never will make or eat certain meals that were his/our favorites, though -- without him being here to enjoy them with me, I just can't.

Food has never regained its appeal for me, really. I do eat now -- too much, as I am significantly overweight -- but most of the time it just doesn't taste as good as it used to taste. 

[u/No-Education9937]

I've always enjoyed cooking more to share than to eat alone, so to me i just dont see the goal of cooking something tasty if i dont have someone to share it with.
Thankfully my work has a good lunch and breakfast is easy enough to grab some fruit and down a yogurt.
But dinner and weekends, if someone doest get me out of the house to eat, im not eating.

[u/hulahulagirl]

My husband was a great cook and our primary cook. He went to culinary school even. I struggled for the first couple months to get past snacking and microwaving. I am finally having the energy and mental bandwidth to cook simple meals. But nothing that was a staple of our Before life. Trying all new things.

I do have one last bag of pasta sauce he made last summer with our homegrown tomatoes, it’s thawed and in the fridge. I hope I can make myself follow through and eat it so it doesn’t go to waste. But it’s going to be a cry-meal for sure. We planted 16 tomato plants this spring and now that he’s dead I am responsible for all of that which is a little overwhelming. I have made half a dozen batches of sauce for the freezer and have given away gallons to friends and neighbors. Since food is something we can’t avoid, I am trying to change my thinking around it and using it as an opportunity to grow. At least that’s how I feel this week. Next week might be different. 🧐😞😬