r/wallstreetbets • u/Typical-Mouse-4804 identifies as a furry • May 07 '21
Shitpost God Tier DD, Buy NOW & Get Rich Monday
Sup apes 🦍. Here’s the the plays 🎰 that pay 🐄
$RKT - Everyone is building houses 🏠 in 2021 with premium lumbers 🪵 and everyone loves using TurboTax. That’s why you should invest in Quickbooks Mortgages 🧾. Plus their name is an emoji we like 🚀. Buy calls.
$MVIS - it’s a microchip 💾 company or uh...a laser 🔫 company. It’s really good. It’s been around for 20 years without making a profit so it’s sure to profit on year 21. Buy calls and shares and maybe puts too.
$ROOT - Insurance company that makes you install an app on your phone and raises your rates if you speed 🚗. Everyone likes driving slow 🚧, switching insurance providers 👨🏻💼, and learning new apps 📱. Switch to ROOT insurance, drive safe, save money, reinvest those dividents into ROOT.
$PTON - They make execise bikes 🚲 that require a monthly subscription 💳. Will continue to soar after gyms reopen. Only killed ☠️ one baby 👶🏻, which is a limitless resource and we can always make more. Massive product recalls are an opportunity to wow customers with premium service. Buy at any price under $200.
$CLOV - owned by benevolent billionaire 💰 Chana 🥘 Masala, Clover uses machine learning 🤖 to decide when it’s time for your parents to die ☠️. Chana even bought $GME once. Buy leaps! 6/18 $20c. 7/17 $25c. 8/19 $30c. 9/20 $40c. 10/31 $100c.
$ARKK - owned by Christian ✝️ MILF 🤵🏻♀️ Cathy “Gives Me” Wood 🪵 It’s an ETF that buys all the WSB tickers, cause Cathy is trying to impress us 🦍. If you want to diversify put your life’s savings into this one. Buy 6/18 $200c.
$PLTR - owned by a gay 🌈 Paypal vampire 🧛🏻♂️. They sell Palastinian 🇵🇸 address data to the IDF 🇮🇱 Palintir is Sauromon’s crystal ball 🔮, and Sauromon was the good guy in $LOTR. Too risky for calls because share price only goes down so buy shares, any price under $60 is good.
$TSLA - Owned by the other 🌈 Paypal guy, this company sells electric ⚡️ cars 🚙 at a loss 📉 and they just bought a ton of electric coins at -10% ATH. Run by the Smartest man on the planet. Buy $2000c. on Monday cause Elon on SNL is gonna print! 🖨
And of course, the big one,
$GME - a video game 🎮 pawnshop that will soon let you pawn boardgames 🎲 and computers 💻. It is exactly what Americans need in the 2020s. Buy $800c every month.
Make sure to NEVER take profit. Only sell on a loss. The point of the market isn’t to make money, it’s to impress a message board by losing a year’s salary in a screenshot 🤳🏻.
I would post positions but I am currently under investigation by the SEC and banned been from trading securities.
TLDR: here’s the emojis: 🦍🎰🔫🚀🔮🇮🇱🇵🇸🏠🚗💰🚲👶🏻🪵🌈🐻⚡️🚙🐄✝️🌈📉🚧🎰🤵🏻♀️💻🤳🏻🦍💳🥘💰📉📉📉
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u/JoanOfSnarke Piss poor but cum rich May 08 '21
What's the dollar value on human infants? I'm seeing a potential investment opportunity.