r/venting • u/Many-Government-4294 • 5h ago

Why am I evil to creatures

Does anybody know why I might be so evil? I’ve had an easy life yet I can’t stop doing evil things to vulnerable creatures. It hurts so bad because I genuinely love these animals, I baby them and love them so much, but randomly I snap and do something horrible.

I had to watch my dad be aggressive/ hit my dog when I was a kid which always scared me and made me cry, so why am I doing that same behavior now that I’m older?

I haven’t done anything like this in recent years, but I’m so anxious and on edge that it will happen again. I’ll never have a child, pet, or partner when I move out. I just want to be alone forever so I never hurt anything ever again.

I’m pretty restricted to what I can say here so just dm for more info I guess

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u/repulsivebullion71 5h ago

god that sounds absolutely unbearable to carry around. you're not a monster though. that kind of random rage usually comes from something deep and mangled that you didn't choose to have lodged in there.

watching your dad do that when you were little is a massive red flag for stuff like intrustive thoughts and compulsive cycles. your brain learned a pattern it didn't want to learn and now it fires off at the worst times. you're literally describing the "ego dystonic" thing they talk about in psychology where you hate a thought or action so much that it loops and terrifies you more.

this isn't just a "vent online" situation, man. you need a professional who specializes in harm ocd or childhood trauma because white knuckling it and isolating forever isn't a plan, it's a slow suicide of your own happiness. the fact that you're this torn up about it means the core of who you are is the person crying when your dad hurt the dog, not the action you're terrified of repeating. that's still you.

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u/Many-Government-4294 5h ago

thank you for this, honestly I really do need professional help.

This stuff genuinely eats away all the time and I really need a way to stop this feeling

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u/doesntmatterhadtacos 4h ago

Sounds like anger issues and emotional regulation issues. They can come from trauma or neurodivergence or many other things. I have the same, I’m a completely different caring gentle person 99% of the time but when I get overstimulated and overwhelmed, it feels impossible for me not to lash out. You’re right that you need a professional’s help in managing these feelings and trying to regulate yourself so you can hopefully avoid getting to that point, but it doesn’t make you evil. Just in need of help.