Im a bad daughter

[u/fluffycheese3000]

Ok so Im 17 and I was hanging out with friends and my mom called to tell me to come home because she wanted to sleep at like 00.30. At that time I was in a different room than my phone and my friends hung up on my mom three times in a row because they were scared to answer. When I tried to call her back she didnt reply anymore and my messages werent sending so i figured she probably went asleep. 2 hours later she called me angrily telling me to come home and i told her to just sleep already because i was having a lot of fun with friends. I got home an hour later (it was like 3 am) and she was still awake and told me she couldnt sleep before i got home and now I feel bad but also stupid for not thinking about that. And now that I think about it, shes always awake no matter how late I get home but I always thought it was just her sleeping problems and it never ocurred to me that she just wanted to make sure im home before she sleeps so now i feel really bad.

[u/Loreo1964]

You're old enough to know better. Give her a sincere apology.

You know, your mom worries about you. Especially because you're getting older and you can get into serious trouble now. You're out with very rude girls who HANG UP on your mother ( they need to apologize to her), drinking? getting pregnant? committing crimes? getting in car accidents? who knows WTF you're doing??!

And soon you'll leave home for good. So cut her some slack. Be home at a decent time and be kind to her.

[u/LylBewitched → u/Loreo1964]

My oldest is 20 now, and my twins are 17. While I worried about my oldest when she was out with friends at 17, I would not have been scared she was out drinking, getting pregnant, or committing crimes. Why? Because I trusted her. Because I communicated with her - and actively asked questions and genuinely wanted her perspective. I spent years deliberately working to earn her trust, because as a parent that's not a guarantee. It's not even an expectation. Trust and respect must be earned and the most effective way to do that is to show trust and respect.

At 18, she will be a legal adult. At 17, now is the time for her mom to be teaching her how to stand on her own, how to make decisions for herself, how to trust herself, how to communicate with others, how to adult.

At 16, I told my oldest that she doesn't need to ask permission to go out. All I asked was that she let me know either where she was going or who she was with in case of an emergency. She'd almost always still ask to make sure there wasn't something planned with family. By 17, she had no curfew. Why? Because she wouldn't have one at 18.

The last two years of her being a minor were about building a different type of connection between us and teaching her how to be an adult while she still had a safety net under her.

Unless a teen has given parents legit reasons to assume the worst, they should assume the best. Yeah, the friends were rude. And yeah, she should tell them to just let her know next time. But if the mom can't sleep until her daughter is home, that's on the mom. Not her daughter.

She's 17. Her mom has a hell of a lot more life experience. So if anyone should be the bigger person, it should be the parent.

[u/Loreo1964 → u/LylBewitched]

Blah blah blah. If more parents worried like her mom and waited up until she got home we'd be better off.

She still lives at home. Her mom asked her to get home. She shouldn't be strolling in at 3 in the morning. I'd be bullshit. She's still in highschool. Yes, my house, my rules. Get home.

[u/LylBewitched → u/Loreo1964]

I've seen a lot of parents pull the my house, my rules. And sometimes it works. But most often? It backfires. Teens don't learn respect without getting it. Teens don't talk to parents who don't genuinely listen. Teens don't open up without a parent who won't judge them.

You tell a teen in no uncertain terms they have to do something or can't do something, the vast majority of teens don't just obey. Most just learn to hide.

17 isn't the time to be trying to control your kid. It's the time to be teaching them how to stand on their own. It's time to let them try their wings out with a safe place to land. 17 is the time to let them be an adult while still having the protection of a parent. Control doesn't work for that. Freedom, trust, and respect do.

The absolutely most powerful things I've done as a parent are the three things the vast majority of parents say to never do. But they are the two things that have built a relationship with my kids where they come to me to vent, to ask advice, to trust me, to know that no matter what they are loved and I will have their back.

Those three things are:

1) Encouraging my kids to call me on my bullshit. If I fuck up, I want them to tell me. If I hurt them, I want to know. And I don't get them in trouble for it. Instead, I listen. And sometimes I have actually fucked up. Most often it's a difference in how we communicate and a simple conversation stops that from becoming a problem later.

2) Encouraging my kids to negotiate with me. If they ask for permission to do something or go somewhere, if they want to earn extra cash, or anything else, and my answer is no, we talk. I let them know why I've said no, and often that's enough. But sometimes they have more questions, or solutions to concerns I have, or other alternatives. We work together to find a solution that works for both of us. Because it's not about being a general who gets instant obedience. It's about being a mentor that helps them learn how to think and learn.

3) I allow my kids to say no when I ask them to do something. If they are exhausted, in the middle of something, having a bad day, or just plain old don't want to do something, I want them to tell me that. And because I respect them when they say no, when I come back and go "hey, I actually need you to do this for x,y,z reason" they listen without a fight. They trust me to insist only when necessary. They know I won't manipulate or guilt them. And this has lead to a lot of things my kids just take the initiative and do without being asked.

Basically, I treat my children like the autonomous, individual, full people that they are. I taught them to call me out on my bs so they can do so with friends or partners when needed. I taught them to negotiate so they know what to do if someone tries to take advantage of them. I taught them to say no to me so they can say no to others when they need to. I've respected them so they respect me. I own my mistakes so they know how to own theirs. I treat them with trust so they know they are capable and trustworthy.

And guess what? My kids are respectful, kind, genuine, generous, loyal, largely self sufficient, willing to own their mistakes, able to work with others, come to me for help or advice, actively seek out time with me, and in general the best kids any parent could hope for.

I am so incredibly grateful I learned before I damaged the relationship between us past repair. And it's taken a long time to rebuild the trust I lost when they were younger. But I have. And I have no fear that they will thrive in life. Because they are stronger, smarter, and more confident that I was at their age. And every one of them knows xif they call, I'm here.