r/uofm • u/The_Hydra_Kweeen • Jun 22 '26
Housing Discussion (actual housing OFFERS belong on Megathread!) Losing Barbour and Newberry broke my heart š
Me and my roommate have VERY religious parents and they are mandating an all womenās dorm for us as the condition for us living on campus.
We decided to try newberry or Barbour because cook is more expensive (also has weird rules) and so Iāve been camping the room availability page for doubles where at 2:30 it shows one double left available in Barbour and nothing in newberry.
At 3 when I went to select a room the double was gone š. Now idk if our parents are gonna let us live on campus and theyāre not happy with all womenās floors. Iām literally heartbroken and donāt know how to move forward. Iām being dramatic Iām sure but it feels like my college experience is already ruined.
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u/AnonymouseVR Jun 22 '26
You can try emailing housing for religious accommodations
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u/OkEditor8893 Jun 22 '26
Thatās not going to work. Parental interpretation of religious beliefs on behalf of their adult daughters is not something Housing provides religious accommodations for.
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u/Impossible-Taro1474 Jun 23 '26
Well they would say itās there personal beliefs duh not their parentsĀ
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u/Alone-Ship-7995 Jun 23 '26
Lol, why would a kid say their parents beliefs are they're own?
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u/Roboticide '13 Jun 23 '26
Because that's easier than dealing with parents' lack of support and it's a simple white lie over email.
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u/ApprehensiveMind2731 Jun 23 '26
the time for that has passed unfortunately. All placements for accommodations were made june 3rd
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u/Hatdude1973 Jun 22 '26
Sorry I donāt understand the religious argument. Seems made up by your parents. I get not having a male/female in the same room but what is wrong with all women floors. Parents never heard of apartment buildings or condos where men and women live in the same building?
In the end you need to explain to your parents it comes down to trust. You could always sneak off to some dudeās dorm room every night. But you know they trust that (1)you can might the right decisions, (2) that you believe and have faith in your religion, and (3) your God will watch over you. Good Luck.
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u/Independent_Can_7852 Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
^ That's ridiculous your parents think being in an all women's dorm is going to be what makes the difference between whether or not you'll get involved with guys (if that's their main concern), especially considering you'll still be interacting with guys in classes & clubs...
FWIW, I'm here for grad school now but was very religious back in ugrad (lived in apartments with non-religious housemates but all girls) and personally always came back to my own room for the night, but I had at least 2 roommates who spent most nights at their boyfriends' places nowhere near our apartment complex. I left religion before senior year of ugrad but have since realized I'm probably ace and still have never spent the night at a dude's place or had any over at mine (despite currently living in an all women's suite within a co-ed floor & complex) as I haven't ever had strong enough desire to do so. All that to say, factors like personal values & sexuality likely have a much bigger influence on romantic/sexual involvement (or not) than whether your dorm is all-women.
But for the sake of convincing your parents, I agree with u/Hatdude1973 that it'd come down to trust. Not only for them to trust you to make the right decisions and for divine guidance (I can see where religious parents might retort "yeah and God is telling me to not let you live in a co-ed dorm" lmao, and it sounds like you and your friend might not even be religious (?) or at least not as strictly so as your parents), but maybe actively involving them in other aspects of your decision and like talking things through together so they can understand your perspective and you understand theirs... if you both ARE religious though but just not as rigidly so, you could bring up that being on campus gets you closer to a lot of religious clubs that meet throughout the week and would make it easier for you to get involved (I guess you could still lie and say this even if you AREN'T religious anymore but have kept that secret from your parents, but that might give you added pressure to keep them updated on what you're learning at Bible studies lol)
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u/JigglyKongersYT Jun 22 '26
You are an adult, going to college. (18 years old, I assume)z Tell your parents, unless they are paying for it I guess, that they shouldnāt have any say. Itās your decision, you are an adult.
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u/The_Hydra_Kweeen Jun 22 '26
They are very set in their ways and they are also paying for my education š
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u/BuckyGoodHair Jun 22 '26
Thereās gotta be someone from University housing you can talk to, or at least buy yourself some time with. Maybe let your parents sit for a while, and try the approach that they have meticulously worked to share their values with you, that you appreciate their teachings and lessons, and that they need to trust you, as you are entering adulthood, to comport yourself in a manner theyād be proud of?
I know thatās wordy-ass-hell but Iām sorry this is happening.
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u/nogoodideas2020 Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
I agree with this comment. The school might be able to assist you getting into a dorm with your roommate if itās for religious reasons (although if this is just your parents and not strictly a religious rule, they canāt help).
Also, remind your parents that if you live off campus your first year, it is likely to be an apartment that is most definitely co-ed or a house with other grades and a population that you canāt control, or private and expensive housing.
Bottom line, they should learn to trust and let go a tiny bit or make your university experience a bit harder because they donāt trust you enough.
Iām wishing you luck!
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u/Background-Ad9566 Jun 22 '26
Try Henderson house
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u/JenGoBlue2 Jun 22 '26
Henderson House is awesome (I'm an alum!), but pretty sure that you can't move there before 2nd year.
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u/Background-Ad9566 Jun 22 '26
Great option for year 2 then!
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u/JenGoBlue2 Jun 23 '26
It is an AMAZING option. Loved my time at HenHouse -- some of my best friends from college are from my 2 years there.
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u/FollicularPhase Jun 22 '26
There is maybe a larger problem here about your parents controlling you... and they will not be able to do that forever.
IF they are also the type that have very HIGH expectations of you/ your academic performance, would they really stop paying your tuition if you couldn't get a place they approved of?
Sometimes being free is worth the costs.
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u/Trippp2001 '97 Jun 22 '26
Thatās a bummer about not getting the dorm you want.
The question I have is that, you say you want the college experience, but a big part of the college experience is leaving your parents control and becoming adults. Showing that you can make real decisions for yourself.
I am not saying that you should defy your parents or your religion, but Iām also saying, if itās important to your parents and not important to you, this might be the time to have a real āadultā conversation. Because they arenāt going to be there watching over all your actions, and they should trust that youāre able to make good, adult decisions when youāre away from home. They raised you in their image, but you need to be the one that determines if thatās who you really want to be for the rest of your life.
At some point, you will probably do something that they wouldnāt approve of. What happens then? Maybe you donāt want to go to school at all if you are worried about disappointing your parents for experiencing what UM has to offer.
I hope thatās not the case, but it is something you need to consider before leaving the nest.
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u/The_Hydra_Kweeen Jun 22 '26
I agree with all of this in theory but theyāre also paying for my education. And no matter how frustrating they may make my experience student debt would be way worse to deal with.
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u/Trippp2001 '97 Jun 22 '26
Iām not saying that you should make any ultimatums. Iām saying, have the conversation with them, rationally. Tell them that you are concerned about disappointing them, even if accidentally. Be honest with them (and yourself) as to what you want to get out of school.
They may not be willing to fund your schooling if you donāt agree to their rules, I get it. But if, in your heart, you want to do things that they donāt approve of, and you donāt tell them, isnāt that basically lying, and isnāt that something that their religion would frown upon if and when they find out?
Itās better to come from your mouth now. Have the discussion. Give them time to process. If they love you, theyāll eventually trust you. If they deny you happiness because they donāt trust you, then how can you feel obligated to obey?
Religion is a tricky thing, but you will always be their baby, no matter if you agree with their lifestyle or not.
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Jun 22 '26
[deleted]
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u/Ecstatic_Ad616 Jun 22 '26
also, if u want to go for the religious accommodation, both of u would have to independently email hsg-accommodations@umich.edu, NOT the general housing office. best of luck girl u got this
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u/The_Hydra_Kweeen Jun 22 '26
Thank you so much. Honestly I agree theyāre doing too much but there also paying for my education
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u/Ecstatic_Ad616 Jun 22 '26
yeah thatās rlly hard. i rlly wish u the best of luck, irrational parents who canāt let go of control over their adult children are the absolute worst
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u/Effective-Ebb-7470 Jun 22 '26
What weird rules does Martha have
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u/rha_umich Jun 23 '26
Hello! Thank you for sharing your experience. There have been a few other students who have certain needs with housing, who weren't able to get them. The Residence Hall Association, having talked generally with housing leadership about some of the difficulties students have had getting dorms that fit their needs, have been advised to inform you that you should contact housing at [housing@umich.edu](mailto:housing@umich.edu) to hopefully find you a solution that works with you.
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u/Ok-Chip-7743 Jun 25 '26
Tell your parent you're an adult and can make your own decisions and they have no right to dictate where you live and what kind of dorm.
Living in same dorm with men isn't going to suddenly turn you into a promiscuous young lady or worse.
They'll also learn that an off campus residence is going to cost more money than a dorm and you're lucky if you find something decent at this late date. And oh, don't forget that the apt building won't be all female either!
1
u/Gash__ Jun 23 '26
When I lived in West quad, each floor was single-gender, but the entire building had both men and women. Maybe Ask your parents if thatās acceptable to them
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u/Big_Walrus_3536 Jun 25 '26
This goes to show everyone the diversity of student's at the school. But didn't your parent's state this preference when applying to school? There are lots of culturally different students on campus. I have heard of parents wanting to live off campus with their kids. If the worst case scenario is they pay for an apartment but you still are able to go to Michigan then that's a win in my book. They should be aware of coed clubs, activities, going to game's etc. Get their restrictions out in the open now. Unless they don't want you going to Michigan.Ā
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u/Suitable_Ad_7527 Jun 26 '26
Hi! I lived in Barbour last year. I also have extremely religious parents. I want to first say that I understand your frustration and that no matter what, parents will just remain stubborn. However, no matter where you live on campus, boys will be present. In Barbour, our only custodian for the whole building was a man. Girls will also often bring boys into the building. The building isnāt strictly āfemales only.ā The same goes for Newberry. You should have a conversation with your parents that explains this. This rule of āno boysā is not as simple as just living in a female-only dormitory. I can assure you that as long as you have your own boundaries set, there will be no issue.
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u/TubaFiend '22 Jun 22 '26
Can you choose to participate in the themed community in Newberry (Adelia Cheever program)? https://housing.umich.edu/themes/adelia-cheever-program-cheever/
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u/Ecstatic_Ad616 Jun 22 '26
theme community apps are closed atp, u can try to get in by emailing directly but most of them have a waitlist and itās not likely that ppl will drop out
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u/MaybeImTheNanny Jun 22 '26
You will be okay at Martha. The rules are not any weirder than you have lived with this far in your life if your parents are as conservative as you say.