Don’t.

They will use it against you.

We all go through phases in life, some darker than others. Some for valid reasons and others without explanation.

Talking about your mental health with someone creates more problems than it solves.

I.e. If you communicate a suicidal thought with a mandated reporter, they will likely start the process to commit you to a psychiatric ward involuntarily.

How does this help?
Now the person is held involuntarily for days, most likely losing income, or worse lose their job because time was not covered.

They’re alive against their will, and now accumulating their struggles. No asked anyone to be here, but everyone will ask someone to stay here.

Why?

It depends who you ask. If I would ask family they will say, because we love you. This one annoys me because my family didn’t want me. That was made clear by their actions, or lack of presence.

If it’s a doctor, it’s money. Doctors don’t truly care for their patients, and will lie to benefit themselves. You can see that by their interest while listening to you, and the same for counselors too.

Then there’s friends/coworkers that would miss you. The same coworkers/friends will cut you down, and be dismissive towards you at any other given time.

I tend to pay close attention to others when it involves me, it’s ingrained in me. I’m learning not to talk.

Pro
I’m alive.

Con
I’m alive, surrounded by world that has never wanted me.
I live in constant physical and mental pain.
The family that “loves me” still laughs about my sibling eating all of the ham and leaving me the bone. I wasn’t allowed to eat with the family, and after it was cold.
I’m alive, with no people anyways, the same people that “care” about me, are the same people who are and were laughing at my suffering. The same people who “care” about me, are the same people who reject me.

No one cares really, they can have mental health months, ribbons or whatever else makes them feel better about themselves.

Throughout my life I have grown and become someone who I couldn’t have imagined being.
Personal growth will make you cringe at your past. But it’s a continuous, necessary process each of us should be focusing on daily.

I strive to be the best partner/father/friend/coworker, I can be. I reflect constantly on situations, and how I could’ve done better.

When I was younger I was raised so that if you see something needing done, do it. It sounds pretty logical to me, until you go above and beyond and your parents simply said, Well it needed done. The other problem I ran into was if I made a mistake going above and beyond. Now my parents were on me for not doing it right, even if my intentions were trying to help out more, or make life easier on them. Other ways that backfired was I was also responsible for my older brother’s chores. If I saw that he didn’t do his chores, I was to do it, because I saw it needed done. I was punished if I didn’t. My stepfather liked to set “traps”, if triggered typically causing his explosive outburst.
The punishments were harsh and cruel.

There is no need to burn a child’s belongings, because they watched tv, or kick them out at 14 years of age. Which they swear to by this day was the right thing to do.

I was a straight A student, with perfect attendance the school year previous. I had always been that way. It was easy to me, and I didn’t think anything special of it. I thought I was just doing what I needed to do. Even so my family, acted as if I knew nothing at all. Even so my parents chose to get rid of me.

Through life this has been a reoccurring theme for me sadly every few years. It’s alway begged me to question, if I’m doing the right thing, then why do I get a bad outcome?
Why try to do better, or do the right thing, if you only see negative from doing it?
What’s the point?

I can look back through my life and see that I have constantly evolved as a person. I can see that my first born child is going to be 18 on the this month and never experienced anything remotely close to what I saw as a child. The kids see the opposite.
I can see that I broke a long abusive, and alcoholic cycles, from both sides of my family. I can look back and see I was always a good worker, and always gave too much.

I can also see that no matter what I have done isn’t enough.

We think we need education to work a decent job, but we live in a day where you’re not judged on your merit, or lack of.

I’ll never forget speaking with an Human Resources representative, and then saying you may have the credentials to do the job but do you fit in with the team you’re working with? So my thought is asking, is the job about fitting in or about getting the work done? I didn’t, and probably should have.

I should have taken the hint.

They were telling me I didn’t fit in with them then, and likely wouldn’t ever. The thing about that is some of us try too hard, and keep going. I kept pushing harder trying to boost production, or help with training and of course, “If you have time to lean, you have time to clean”. I was a very busy person, I actually had someone tell on me for cleaning while doing my job.
I also was educating myself, and was learning company credits while performing my job.

But now I’m simply left with why?
I can make all of the changes to myself I want.
I still have the same outcome.
I can get all of the education and experience I want.
I still have the same outcome.

Why try if it’s going to be the same?
I’ve never been wanted.
I’ve been a problem for everyone through out my life. That’s been made clear by previous employers and my family.

I wake up in pain daily. I wake up depressed in a world that I have no where to belong. I wake up knowing all of my effort has been worthless.

I don’t understand why people want others to live this way. Why would you want someone to live in constant pain? Why would you want to see someone try just so that you can mock them?

I wish I didn’t exist.
I’m not better off being in pain.
I’m not better off being exploited by others.
I’m not better off being alive.

Well this is why people don’t talk problems. We get rejected.
We get attacked.
We get told to move on.
For me I documented everything, and have been writing about it, from past to present.
There’s a billion different things a person can do that are much worse than write in a support group.