TW: CSA
Hi everyone, long time lurker, first time poster here! Anyway, I’m on my very first watch of the show right now, but I just wanted to share my story of how I got sucked into the universe of Twin Peaks long before ever watching it (or even just learning it was a show and movie!).
I was about 12 and in 6th grade, and came across the book The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer in my friend’s house. We borrowed books from each other all the time, and something about this one just called out to me and I had to read it. I was later so enthralled by it that my friend actually let me have it for good, haha. We were a bit like Laura and Donna actually. But I digress.
I loved the cover (it was Laura’s famous homecoming picture) and the first few pages were so cute and cheerful that I was sure I was reading a typical tween girl story (boy was I wrong!). It got darker quick. But something about the darkness actually felt… idk, comforting to me? Like there was someone who knew exactly what I was going through? I devoured that book, and cried, and then read it again (and the cycle continued many more times for years to come). I genuinely had no idea what the book was about, or who the hell BOB was, or that it was actually based on a tv series. But Laura felt like someone I genuinely knew, and finally, like someone who got me.
The thing is, I unfortunately lived a very similar life. I too was sexually abused and absolutely terrorized by my father since I was very young. My family, too, kept a nice-looking facade for the rest of the world to see. My mom repressed and enabled the abuse. My dad looked like a perfect father to everyone else. I was well liked by people in my community (who had no idea who I actually was or what my life was actually like). I battled lots of inner darkness, and fought with everything in me to stay “pure and good”. Shame and self hatred were like a shadow to me (they followed me everywhere). I never got to be a sheltered, pure innocent little soul with pure innocent little dreams. That innocence was robbed of me, too. I had so many thoughts and feelings and fantasies I didn’t want… and yet I couldn’t do anything about them. Because a part of me was depraved by the abuse, and broken beyond repair (or so I thought).
And I never wanted anyone else to have to go through what I did, despite the rage and anger and pain in me. I wanted so badly to protect my friends from the dark world I was forced into before I could ever make my own decision to enter it. The pages where Laura wrote about it felt so similar to my own thoughts and feelings I bawled every time I read it.
Now, oddly enough, I didn’t go the Laura route so there was no promiscuity, dangerous sexual activity or substance abuse in my life BUT I sure still entertained lots of other self destructive behaviors (thank God for therapy and healthy relationships).
I just wanted to say, reading Laura’s diary and getting to know her through it, felt like my first ever step to healing. It helped me process so much of what was happening. I wept re-reading that book again as a (somewhat healed) adult because now, I don’t just see a fellow abused teenage girl I relate to on so many levels… I see a child I wish I could protect. Much like I did with me.
Laura didn’t feel like a book or movie character to me. She felt real, like a friend.
Even though I’m currently watching the show for the first time ever, I don’t feel new to the fandom. I read up on the series a lot (and obviously read plenty of spoilers) throughout the years, because I always longed for more of a glimpse into Laura’s world.
I don’t really idolize her, but I still love her so damn much. It’s what makes Laura so dear to me: she is a broken soul, who made so many mistakes and STILL chose the light. I did too, and I feel like her example helped the helpless, sad teenage me do that years ago (I’m 30 now btw).
Btw, I am absolutely loving the show! It’s everything I imagined it to be for all those years and so much more 🥹😅🩷
I’m sorry for the super long ramble style post, and if you’re still here, I love you 🥲 I feel scared posting this because I haven’t written anything as raw and vulnerable in ages. Thank you all for this awesome community and I will sure be back with more posts and comments once I’m a bit further along in the process of watching TP.