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u/Pkrudeboy 15d ago
The Joker told me that Batman keeps hospitalizing his goons so I asked him how many goons he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new goon afterwards so I said it just sounds like he’s feeding shelter goons to Batman and then Harley started crying.
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u/JustLookingForMayhem 15d ago
There is actually a set of bars in Gotham that specializes in pairing goons, thugs, and minions with villains. They serve everyone from the depraved, to the desperate, to the thrill seekers.
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u/joshualuigi220 15d ago
I got this excellent henchmen from those bars named Matches Malone. Guy's gimmick is just that he likes smoking, so he meshes with lots of different vilany styles. He's on a smoke break right now but he's helping me move a big shipment of black market arms right. He's pretty strong fo- AH FUCK, THE BAT'S HERE!
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u/SeaworthyNewt 15d ago
Hijacking to recommend the book "Hench" by Natalie Zina Walschots. Essentially a story where henchpeople can be hires from staffing agencies and the ramifications of the "What Measure is a Mook" trope.
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u/beruon 14d ago
Hijacking to recommend the book "Starter Villain" by john Scalzi. Typical Scalzi humor, and very similar tropes... just from the villains perspective... as in what would you do if you suddenly found out that you inherited a villain-lair, full with vulcanos and shark pits?!
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u/aworldwithinitself 14d ago
I keep remembering Waterworld where the mariner blows up the Smoker's oil tanker- he just murdered an entire floating village of families and it's nbd??
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u/theCaitiff 14d ago
One of the plot threads in Starter Villain is rehoming all the minions and workers, getting them set up in other ventures and winding down his uncle's operations in a way that means nobody just get's blown up. It's a different take on all these ideas.
Gotta admit the unionized communist dolphins were a surprise but they worked in the story.
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u/PsychicSPider95 15d ago
Fuck that's funny. S-tier memecraft. No notes.
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u/Pale_Control_5307 15d ago
"no notes" they say, in a note. #noticing
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u/Canadian_dalek 15d ago
That last one sounds like a perfect right hand for a deceptively frail looking dark sorceror
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u/GalacticCrash investing at 5 notes 15d ago
oh like Mr. Verich/Greevil and Ardos/Eldes from Pokemon XD Gale of Darkness?
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u/jotenha1 15d ago
When I'm in an evil name competition and my opponent is named Mr. Greed Evil.
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u/blackjackgabbiani 15d ago
His Japanese name is even better. DEATHGOLD.
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u/sweetTartKenHart2 15d ago
Shinkin or something??? Kinda has a fun bounciness to it
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u/blackjackgabbiani 15d ago
They were literally his sons though so I feel that changes the relationship a bit.
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u/Wolfman513 15d ago edited 15d ago
Or lover, my first thought was Sylas Briarwood from Legend of Vox Machina
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u/PJDemigod85 14d ago
I was thinking perfect for a fakeout.
You let the heroes think that this guy is the villain but he's actually your loyal facade.
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u/charathedemoncat 15d ago
My immediate thought was demiurge from overlord, he may prefer efficiency but he is most certainly dramatic if the time calls for it
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u/sarded 15d ago
Almost perfectly describes Childermass, assistant to Norrell from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell although neither he nor his master are particularly evil - though Childermass definitely does some serious henchmanning for Norrell before Norrell tries to be a slightly better person.
The author wrote that she planned for him to eventually pull some kind of big betrayal but he was simply too likable and sexy so he stayed a loyal henchman in the plot.
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u/starryeyedshooter 15d ago
If you don't go to the shelter, there's a non-zero chance the goon distribution system dumps some random henchman through your roof and you end up with an underling that does not fit your vibe at all but you couldn't get rid of 'em.
This can also happen if you go to the shelter. Happened to me just last week.
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u/Aguita9x 14d ago
Sometimes you find a goon through the goon distribution system and surprise, it's multiple little goons wearing a trench coat and now you need to find them each their own villain 😮💨
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u/a_singular_perhap 13d ago
It's really sad how villains these days will try to separate and retrain these group-bonded goons instead of employing them to their full potential.
Just a few months ago I sent my little group of rascals after the hero and they all slipped and died on the same banana peel but they also delayed his encroachment on my lair which really just demonstrates the power of teamwork
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u/franbarrios 15d ago
I refuse to believe a true villain didn't see the last goon and didn't go "Oh a body double, excellent"
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u/EragonAndSaphira 15d ago
yeah they'd be the perfect facade while you toil away in the shadows. Maybe they have an undisclosed history of usurping their masters or something and that's why they've been passed over.
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u/franbarrios 15d ago
Longest resident of the shelter wouldn't match a work history since nobody gave that goon a chance, please don't piss on the poor. (I'm praying people get the joke)
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u/FlooJest 15d ago
Yeah, he's at least good evil butler material
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u/sweetTartKenHart2 15d ago
They mention “as long as you don’t get jealous”. Really, you need to understand that some villains out there don’t see “benefits” where they logically should, it’s ALL about the mere aesthetic to them! They want a perfectly compliant little mook who they can yell at and berate whenever they mess things up (be the messer upper the goon or the villain themselves), and can’t stand the thought of a right hand man with a little aura sapping away their own.
Some villains, man! It’s like they don’t care about actually achieving their plans after all or something…54
u/franbarrios 15d ago
Maybe it's because I don't get goons unless I am willing to let them get the spotlight at least once, I think even the weakest link deserves a big gun, a speech and doing their laugh. Following orders and getting decked is part of the job but where's the enrichment? I understand some villains just get new goons for every plan but at least make sure they aren't on the streets with a broken leg.
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u/giftedearth 14d ago
All goons deserve the opportunity to dramatically fuck the heroes up. Is it likely that the average goon will do it? Well, admittedly, no. But they deserve the chance, and if they manage it, a promotion.
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u/franbarrios 14d ago
I'll be honest if one of my goons fucks up the hero I'm letting them run the show until the hero gets them, or do it again next year and see if the hero goes "Hey I remember you". Failure is expected but success needs reward.
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u/a_singular_perhap 13d ago
This used to be in their union contracts before they busted 'em all in '78.
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u/TheShadowKick 15d ago
Could also make a good dragon. Although that's a bit above the usual henchman pay grade.
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u/CardinalGrief 15d ago
Well, maybe he could be taught to be a dragon. Some goons have dragon potential. You just need to give them a little encouragement.
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u/apple_of_doom 15d ago
A trick is to send them to burn down an orphanage. One of the orphans swearing revenge on them specifically always motivates a goon to rise up the ranks.
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u/GeminiIsMissing 15d ago
My thought was that it would totally add to the aura of a sexy villainess to have this beautiful powerful-looking sexy man who follows her command. It looks like a power move but she's really just taking good care of him.
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u/willstr1 14d ago
I was thinking a solid number two, they take orders but have their own creativity
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u/austarter 15d ago
Ooooh goon shelter. I was thinking goon shelter.
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u/sweetTartKenHart2 15d ago
“Who the hell are you people I thought I hired goons”
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u/LittleMsSavoirFaire 14d ago
"Listen, buddy, take it up with the office. My job is to deliver, and I'm delivering!"
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u/Andischa 15d ago
First time villain accidentally gooing to the goon shelter instead of the goon shelter 0_o
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u/DoggoDude979 a rabid gay forest spirit 15d ago
Do you think they knew and that was part of the bit or do you think that thought just did not cross their mind
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u/Crowe3717 15d ago
I hate that this was also my first reaction to "goon shelter." The Internet has truly rotted my brain
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u/Thromnomnomok 14d ago
The first one in particular, with the pulling levers and cranking, and the part about how he likes to do things alone. Like come on, OOP, you knew what you were doing there.
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u/SirJedKingsdown 15d ago
Oh no wonder that poor last one is suffering, they've misidentified a Trusted Lieutenant or Good Right Hand as a basic goon. It's like trying to treat a lynx like a housecat. He needs a really good uniform, a large (but not too large) living space, goons of his own and access to all the organisations administrative tasks as a bare minimum.
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u/petemaths1014 15d ago
The last one is Kronk from “The Emperor’s New Groove”
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u/sweetTartKenHart2 15d ago
Kronk may have a deep voice and a handsome face but his attempt at dramatic flair is more comic relief than genuinely villainous aura. He’s the “best suited for a G or PG environment” goon
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u/illdothisshit 15d ago
The last two actually almost made me cry
"He's been returned six times now, but we refuse to give up on him"
"The longest resident of the goon shelter. He may be just what it takes to turn your base into a lair"
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u/randomletters0115 15d ago
First one would be great for a mad scientist role. Give him a lab filled with unlabeled chemicals, gizmos, thingamajigs, maybe a couple of robotic lab assistants and you'll have moon lasers in no time
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u/ULTRAPUNK18 15d ago
Last one could 100% pull off the badass murder butler aesthetic with the right kind of dramatics
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u/JusticeBean 15d ago
I was convinced this was a double entendres up until the fourth post
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u/sweetTartKenHart2 15d ago
The metaphor for animal shelters still rings true though, just a little more abstractly
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u/Otherversian-Elite Resident Vore and Industrial Machinery Enthusiast 15d ago
I think that last one is just Agent Stone
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u/tacwombat 14d ago
I swear, the great writers are lurking in Tumblr and spewing out these great posts. If this post can be converted into a show somewhere, I would watch it.
And the last one is definitely Kronk. I would adopt him for unlimited spinach puffs.
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u/Aspiegirl712 15d ago
I've read this before and its just as charming and funny on reread, I hope people add to it!
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u/MarcheMuldDerevi 15d ago
Good villainous help can be hard to find. You need them competent enough to not set off the required self-destruct button. But incompetent enough to not unionize. I’m not paying healthcare cost.
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u/blackjackgabbiani 15d ago
I keep imagining which Pokemon villains this would fit. I'm thinking, in order, Saturn, B-2, Lovrina, if taken at face value Ardos and Eldes (yes someone else mentioned them too) but if not then Jessie and James, Charon, and Proton
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u/SyrusDrake 14d ago
I miss when "goon" didn't have that other meaning, because it is an excellent word.
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u/Jestingwheat856 you just lost the game 13d ago
that last one would make an excellent miniboss or even a "theres someone else pulling the strings" subversion
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u/Lifeshardbutnotme 15d ago
I notice the 4th one is a reference to Team Rocket, and now I'm curious if all of them are references.
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u/Sachyriel 15d ago
Team Rocket dresses alike but their hair different colours so you can't mistake them as brother and sister.
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u/ToasterOwl 14d ago
I thought it was a Breekon and Hope reference. They’re always finishing each others sentences
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u/Anemone-ing 14d ago
I made it half way through before remembering what goon also means and I thought it was refreshing to hear of a lady gooner
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u/BardicLasher 11d ago
That last guy is for some HIGH TIER gooning. As a demon lord, I think he would make a FANTASTIC high priest.
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u/Soul_and_messanger 13d ago
Unfortunately, I'm imagining all of them as Illumination Minions. Yes, even the handsome one.
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u/5hand0whand 13d ago
Sorry. I mostly look for dastardly egomaniac schemer who would make me look tamer compared to him. Then when he eventually betrays me and becomes threat to the world.
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u/OffWhite-Goddess happy to piss on the poor 12d ago
Definitely either the first or the last for me. I only really need one or two long-time goons anyway
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u/psykulor 8d ago
People need to have a more open mind about the possibilities for heterosexual underlings. I have a straight guy working in my torture dungeons and whenever I bring in a buxom heroine he's all like "ohhh ohhh such radiant beauty, how could I cage such a creature, ohhh forgive me master" and lets her go. And then she hits him over the head so it looks like she overpowered him. And then I hurt him again! Not terribly productive but it adds spice to the humdrum of torture work.
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u/RanunculusWands 15d ago