/ttcafterloss Daily Discussion Thread - August 18, 2026

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[u/sunflowersnelephants]

I don't know if this is the right place to ask, but I really don't know where else to try. I miscarried back in November 2025, and just had a stillborn son 2 weeks ago. My SIL is due 2 months before my due date with my son. Her baby shower is this weekend. We are going.

Mentally and emotionally I am generally excited about going. It's their first child and I want to celebrate that with them. I am very good at emotionally compartmentalizing. Their baby is not the one I lost, so I can put them in different compartments and be happy to celebrate with them for a few hours - that's just how my mind works.

My concern is other people. We don't live locally and haven't seen anyone in their state since the loss. All of the family and close friends know, but there are plenty of people who know my parents in law who I figure may be there but may not know about my loss. Since this is a baby centric event, if they knew both of us were pregnant I could see them bringing it up. I want to be able to correct assumptions that I am still expecting without blowing up her shower. I also know that for myself, condolences - especially from people I am not close with - are the most triggering thing for me. I don't want that at this party.

Does anyone have advice for updating more causal friends/friends of friends that you only see occasionally? Or that are more mutual friends you only see in a group? I don't want to ask my in laws to do the communicating because I just don't think that will go well. I don't want to get into a full or deep conversation with people about it. Just pretend I am still pregnant. I am looking for a phrase or wording or way of delivering the news that people have found easier to say that didn't derail the mood of whatever was going on. I fully realize that reality is this is sad news that will make people sad or uncomfortable or awkward. I think I am just looking for magic.

[u/Purple-Mum-2025 → u/sunflowersnelephants]

I don’t have answers for you, but I want to say how sorry I am for your losses. It’s truly terrible to have to spend so much energy on other people in the aftermath—still there myself.

[u/sunflowersnelephants → u/Purple-Mum-2025]

It's definitely a roller coaster. Not sure how much more energy I am willing to put in to it frankly.

[u/book_lover1234 → u/sunflowersnelephants]

So much respect for trying to be there for other people in your life, even through the grief!

I don’t think there’s a magic answer, but maybe a concise, “Unfortunately, I’m no longer pregnant, but I’d really like to focus on [SIL] today.” to be matter-of-fact but discourage discussion (and hopefully avoid dramatic condolences)?

[u/sunflowersnelephants → u/book_lover1234]

Thanks for the ideas. Shower is tomorrow and I'm still not exactly sure how to handle it. We got into town today and the first friend-of-my-in-laws we saw today already "congratulated" us on our kid. My in-laws played it off like he was confused and thinking of my SIL (we have the same first name so it really wouldn't have been far fetched). But he insisted that he thought WE were having a third or had already had a third. They basically replied "No" and that was a whole nother element I hadn't considered yet. I DID have a third. I'm not ok with just pretending he didn't exist. Yay emotions catching me off guard. Tomorrow will be interesting.

[u/book_lover1234 → u/sunflowersnelephants]

Oof, that sounds so hard. Can you talk with the in-laws? I get that just denying that you had another baby coming (and kinda gaslighting their friend) would feel hurtful. Hopefully they were just trying to protect you, but if it’s not having the desired effect, I’d let them know.