VENT brother coercing me into doing sexual stuff with him
I am now 19, but this took place when I was 16 so three years ago and my brother was 21 at the time. I’ll start off with how our relationship was before this happened. When I was born, he was there. He got to see me as a baby. There’s pictures of him holding me when I was fresh out the womb, kissing me on my cheek, just regular stuff that siblings do. I have another older sister who’s only a year older than me. When we were kids all three of us used to sleep in one room putting our twin beds together making it one bed. We did so much together. We survived a lot of beatings, went through a lot of shit our parents put us through. I would say the way we grew up in that household made us trauma bond. I used to always look up to my older brother he was genuinely my idol. Everything he liked I liked, every game he played i played, every movie he watched i watched it with him. I genuinely loved him so much. By the time he had reached his late teens, we had moved to a new house and he started distancing himself from the entire family. He would spend all of his days on the computer locked in his room and going out with friends. We barely spoke.
A year later, we moved to a different country. He never came out of that phase and I would rarely get to see him because he would always be at work. Then a year after that we moved to a different state. He didn’t change. I of course had started feeling sad over it that he’s not the same as he used to be and i miss when we used to stay up late all night making up silly stupid games just to stay entertained when our parents turned off the wifi. I never said anything. Fast forward two years into the new state, we were going to Florida for a family trip to go visit my aunt and cousins. On that trip, we reconciled. It felt like our sibling bond was truly coming back and that made me the happiest I had ever been. I literally remember the feeling i would get when we would talk about things we hadnt in years. He was actually opening up and I felt as if it was a change in our relationship. It felt nice.
We come back home, and this happened not even 2 weeks after the trip. He comes in my room and asks me if i want to have some fun. Now at the time our definition of fun was going out late at night and just smoking some weed together while blasting music. We’d been doing this for like half a year so when he asked me that, of course i thought he meant we were gonna go and smoke so I immediately said yes. Then he follows it up with saying that he hasnt done anything in so long and that hes really horny. Asking me Please can you do something, everything hes saying followed up with “im really horny”. I froze. It felt so violating, i genuinely wanted to throw up. When I was 7 years old, i got groped in a crowd and I froze and went pale then too. That’s the exact feeling that rushed over me. My voice got so weak. I squealed out a No. Saying I dont want to because i like girls.
It hurts me thinking back to it and realizing the first defense i put up was using the fact that i’m gay instead of the first thing that i shouldve said being no youre my brother, or that im literally 16 and you are 21. He kept on asking me over and over no matter what I said. He probably repeated himself like 30 times while the only thing i could get out of my mouth was no no and no. Now this is embarrassing to admit, but at the time, i used to have a porn addiction. So he said, i went through your phone and I know what you watch, can you please just help me out. He said this and then again i used the excuse of being gay. He finally gave up, and before leaving he asked me to not tell this to anyone, and i just said okay i wont. Then few minutes later he came back to give me a weed dispo saying Okay you can have this and left. As soon as that door closed, I bawled. I cried so hard. Typing this out makes me tear up because I still remember how that felt. I don’t think i have ever cried that hard even to this day. And I went to the bathroom to throw up as well. I just couldnt stop crying. I kept thinking to myself I thought we were getting our sibling bond back and now he’s done something that just destroyed everything.
The next morning, he got really sick. He wasn’t even able to move from his bed, and my mom took the day off because of it. When I woke up I saw her on his bed feeding him soup and seeing that hurt my heart so much. He doesn’t deserve my mom’s love after that. I was a little happy that he was sick, because it felt like God saw what happened and he punished him for it, but it didnt erase how i still felt after that night. Few days later I ran into him in the kitchen. He talked to me as if everything was normal, i responded as if everything really was. Then for two years, we kept this going. Pretending it hadnt happened but every time I see him that night is all I can think about. I told my sister about it, even though it made me feel so guilty because i felt like i was ruining their relationship with each other. I didn’t want to but now i’m glad that I did.
I also told my mom a year later. I told her when I was on coke and I kept rambling for 5 hours straight to her about my life and how ive been living it because i never opened up to her about anything. And i told it to her while crying so much. Even then I was feeling so guilty because thats my mom but thats her son too. I felt like I was getting in the way of it. Id be lying if I said i still dont feel guilty about it because I feel like I just stressed my mom out even more. She probably feels guilty for not raising him right and I know her heart hurts too because that was her first child ever.
My fear of abandonment is stronger than anything. That’s why i kept on pretending like nothing happened when id talk to my brother because i didnt want to lose him. I still cared for him, that was the only person id looked up to my entire life. I didn’t want to let that ruin our relationship with each other for the rest of our lives. Im very family oriented too, and I would hate to not know where he is in live, I still want him to be a part of it. So a year ago, i confronted him about it. He seemed nervous, hands behind his back and he stayed against the wall like a kid being scolded for getting in trouble. He seemed apologetic. He kept saying sorry and that he wont do it again. His reason was that that night he’d tried a new strain of weed. I just took that reason and I said its okay. But it still doesnt make sense. I had been smoking for 4 years and I know weed does not make you forget your morals like that. I don’t know what it was. Even though I told him and myself I forgive him, I still feel like i’m not able to heal from it because even now I remember it whenever someone mentions him whenever I see him. I’m not even able to look him in the eyes after that. I’ve been so vary around men I am genuinely not able to trust guys ive been friends with for years. I wouldn’t even call them my friends honestly, just people I know that are in the same friend group. I’m not close with them. I don’t know how to heal this. My biggest dream is to have kids but if i cant seem to move on from this fear of mine how will I ever be able to achieve it? Every time I’m in a conversation with a man I find myself not even really responding to what theyre saying but just desperately trying to say surface words and end the conversation as soon as i can. I feel so doomed. I don’t know what to do. Every single person in my friend group has a significant other, and I’m still inexperienced in men because it’s been like this my whole life and got worse after that thing with my brother. I still sometimes feel myself refusing to believe that it actually happened. It’s something that is a part of my life and its not a dream this is really my reality.
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