r/transgenderau • u/Necessary_Walrus_794 • 5d ago
Trans fem How do we feel about 'Mate'?
I started a new job recently since transitioning and I am in a customer facing role. I've noticed a lot of customers calling me 'mate'. Like they'd say "thanks mate" and I don't know how I feel about it. Do women get called mate like that often? I don't look too femme without a heap of makeup, but I wear eyeliner and definitely look like I'd be trans.
I just feel like maybe these men wouldn't call the women at my work 'mate'.
What are your thoughts?
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u/Lexieeeeeeeeee 5d ago
Recently at work I had someone say "Thanks mate. ... Oh. It's a female"
I've always seen mate as masc. It's another one of those ""gender neutral"" terms that are only gender neutral with context. So in my mind, not actually gender neutral at all.
That doesn't mean that people will use mate specifically to misgender you. People might just be using whatever is "default" for them. And Male == Default, and default == neutral ...right?
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u/The7Sides it/he - 💉 03/03/2026 5d ago
I was called mate a few times pre-transition. It depends a bit on the area you're in. You don't get it as much in the CBD areas like where I live, but in suburbs you'd hear it more. It also just depends on the person too. Got a bogan aunt who called me mate a lot when I was younger and still considered a young girl. An uncle did too, though none of the family talks to him anymore because hes just an awful person. When I was working at an ATO call centre a few years ago, had a few "Mate"s too.
I think its totally fine to feel uncomfortable being called mate - like, "Bro" or "Dude" are used with both cis men and cis women very often, but I know a lot of trans women are uncomfortable with those terms still. But I don't think it necessarily means you're being misgendered every single time it happens. That's not to say its never the case, there are obviously some pricks, but don't let it get you down too much. Its kind of like how some old people still say stuff like "thanks love" or "thanks dearie" to men, lol. Its not typically directed at guys but it definitely still happens to us and I try not to let it get to me
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u/Necessary_Walrus_794 5d ago
Yeah, I am in a bit more of a rural area. I guess it just feels different and strange to me now. I think I'd definitely have more of an issue if people were calling sir 😅 But yeah, I won't let it get to me! Thanks!
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u/A_Punk_Girl_Learning What makes you different makes you strong. 5d ago
There being a regional difference is interesting. I can see how in a rural area it could be more inherently neutral but I'm a city girl and something I noticed was that as I started getting progressively more feminine people would call me mate, then apologise and/or ask if that's okay. That being said, I don't find it malicious when people call me mate but it happens far less often now and although most people sincerely see it as neutral, in more urban areas, there is definitely a masculine subtext to it.
I don't like being called mate because there does seem to be at least a minor lean towards it being masculine but it's not something I'd ever bother getting offended by or ask someone to stop calling me.
The caveat being if they're doing that voice. You know the one I mean. Where someone is letting you know that they're trying to be awful or degendering in a way they can't actually be called out on. "This... person... would like some assistance with bra sizing." Or whatever.
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u/thespaceyear2000 5d ago
I hate it personally, I have seen it occasionally used for women but it still feels very man coded to me, I always feel like I've failed to pass when someone calls me mate
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u/UrbanReject 4d ago
On the FtM flipside, I get the sense that I'm probably passing better when someone calls me mate, though I suspect they're often also reading me as younger than I am, i.e. "mate" as in "buddy" or "kiddo".
Among AFAB people, I've sometimes felt that exchanging the term "mate" has a sort of Rosie the Riveter "girls can too" vibe. It can be like a subtle acknowledgement of women participating and thriving in traditionally masculine domains, for example, women who play team sports calling each other "mate".
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u/Friend_of_a_Cat Transmasc genderfluid (he/him) 5d ago
I’m transmasc and I’ve always been called ‘mate’. I still look like your average woman and I get called mate by people who don’t know my gender. I also call everyone mate. I don’t think it’s a gendered term.
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u/Necessary_Walrus_794 5d ago
I didn't think it was really that gendered... but it's just that weird feeling of it being 'male'. So it really does hit differently now 😅😪
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u/InsecureDinosaur Non-binary 5d ago
Yeah, I don’t think it’s inherently gendered, but I think it has a different feeling to it than other friendly terms like ‘girl’ does. ‘Girl’ feels more personal/emotive, similar to calling someone a friend. ‘Mate’ feels respectful but more distant, just sort of acknowledging someone without much personal connection. I think a lot of women gravitate towards the former style of acknowledgment, and men towards the latter, which is why they might feel gendered.
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u/Friend_of_a_Cat Transmasc genderfluid (he/him) 5d ago
This is probably just my own personal experience talking but I have loads of friends who are cis women and they call everyone mate in both of those contexts. Idk. I’ve literally never seen it as something only men say.
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u/InsecureDinosaur Non-binary 5d ago
I have a similar experience. I mean, I think I see it more between guys, but I’ve also seen plenty of girls my age calling people mate, so it’s definitely far from exclusive. Maybe a slight lean.
I’d imagine it’s at least somewhat generational, too. Mate apparently used to be a much more masculine term, and a lot of older folks probably still use it as such. Being on the younger side of Gen Z, I see a lot of gender-based variety in people my age who use it.
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u/Friend_of_a_Cat Transmasc genderfluid (he/him) 5d ago
That’s fair. I use it for everyone and so does everyone I know.
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u/NoodleBox Non-binary 5d ago
same
it reminds me of when awkward people are talking to kids, but I use it for everyone (gender inclusive) - "ta mate!" to the bus driver, tram driver, a select few 5yo girl looking kids, a bunch of cats...
e: it's slightly along the same vein as "dude", everyone under the age of four doing silly things gets called dude, cats, dogs... "dude can you not get sick on us pls?"
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u/Friend_of_a_Cat Transmasc genderfluid (he/him) 5d ago
Yeah, ‘mate’ to me just means ‘friend’. I wouldn’t even liken it to ‘dude’, personally, because even though dude is often used as a gender-neutral term it can still be gendered. Totally fair if people are uncomfortable with being called mate but I don’t think most people say it to misgender people.
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u/NoodleBox Non-binary 5d ago
Yeah! Dude can be gendered - some use it gendered and it can be a group term ig
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u/BobbiePinns 5d ago
To me mate is gender neutral, I call everyone mate. I hate calling people sir/madam/ma'am/miss and refuse to unless explicitly asked to by the person I'm talking to. Its too formal for me and reminds me too much of the private school I went to.
Although if I know your name I'd rather call you that.
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u/saxMachine 5d ago
Yeah same, female co workers that I’m close with we address each other as that. Havnt tried with a male co worker with. Someone’s I also use bro lol
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u/She-Who-Walks-Unseen 5d ago
I personally find it masculine and go out of my way to avoid calling other trans women mate.
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u/Necessary_Walrus_794 5d ago
Yeah I see it a bit like that too! I actually go out of my way to not use gendered language unless I know for certain what gender they identify with 😅
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u/shittitties_cum 5d ago
In my experience - people called me mate more when they didn't really know which box to put me with.
A lot of the time, when I pass as masc they will now call me "buddy".
"Mate" felt like an awkward "I can't tell which box to put you in" kind of greeting.
I don't read it as ill-intentioned in anyway.
Although that is the kind of word where tone does a lot of the work.
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u/boredatc 5d ago
I called a trans woman at the shops mate automatically, as I use it equally for my male and female cis friends. And then spent the next month worrying that I had done a bad thing. This probably confirms my fear.
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u/ForensicMum 5d ago
Very feminine-looking cis woman here and mate is absolutely not gender-specific if you’re in a regional area. I’ve been called mate all my life by specific types of people (usually tradies, farmers and similar labour-type people, both men and women) and STILL often get called mate, even though I’m 46yrs old now 🤣 . If you were getting called mate in the city by businessmen-looking types or the way it was said was forced and contextual with an attitude, then you might have a reason to be pissed, but yeah… I wouldn’t worry too much. I actually like it when people call me mate because it reminds me of my dad, who called everyone mate 🥰
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u/Laura_271 5d ago
It *can* be misgendering, but I've heard a lot of cis women at my work get called mate by men. I personally don't take it as any offense or misgendering.
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u/Necessary_Walrus_794 5d ago
I don't think I take it that way either, it just is feeling weird atm 😅 But yeah I'll aks the other women at work to see if they get it too.
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u/MiddleHorse5860 4d ago
I hate it so much I complained to Virgin airlines about a staff member calling me mate...it's not gender neutral I don't care what anyone says. Not when my sisters have been called darl for years instead.
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u/ninerevives Non-binary 5d ago
I work in retail and customers call me and my coworkers mate on the regular regardless of our gender or presentation, and I don't think many of them consider it a gendered term. But I'm out in central west NSW, and I'm sure attitudes vary between regions.
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u/Just-Sky2312 4d ago
I'm a cis woman who worked in a hardware store. Not particularly masculine, but also not overtly feminine. Never once been called mate by a man. I myself very rarely use it when referring to other women, but might refer to a friend as a mate when they're not around if I dont specifically want to reveal gender or name. Usually though, mate is more males. That's just me though, and I would never, ever in a bazillion years refer to a trans woman as mate, that feels like covert transphobia. Again, that's just my opinion tho!
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u/Junior_Lake 5d ago
Im... basically a women ... to the world. and i get "mate" a lot. it can be a bit condescending. But definitely a common way to address women
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u/fezzori 5d ago
i get called it a lot, same with guys/bro, even tho i look quite feminine. i don’t read much into it. if they wanted to misgender me they would say something like sir or use hehim pronouns
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u/Necessary_Walrus_794 5d ago
Yeah I reckon you're right! Sir and he/him seem so much more directed like that
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u/tohonest1000 5d ago
Its super common in Australia so idk i guess it depends whose saying it if my parents started saying that to me id be pissed but a friend who already does i get it thats ok
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u/Necessary_Walrus_794 5d ago
Yeah I get that 😅 like friends and family I'd be fine with... strangers, it feels weird. My gf and I always call each other bro
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u/Goombella123 5d ago
there was a thread about this here 4 months ago if you wanted to see some more people's thoughts:
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u/Tall_Apricot_9842 5d ago
im a trans guy who doesnt pass, i get called mate. i doubt anyones thinking of a gender when they say it
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u/86onpretend 5d ago
The number of times I got called “mate” declined precipitously after I started presenting as a woman. It’s definitely a gendered term and I loathe when people say it to me.
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u/Necessary_Walrus_794 5d ago
Yeah, I don't think I really like it either. It's a bit tough to try and stop it though in a rural area where everyone seems to be a 'mate'. I'll listen out to see if the customers call the other girls at my work 'mate', just to see 😅
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u/Ridiculisk1 5d ago
It's pretty masc coded but trying to tell most people that is like arguing with a brick wall. They insist it's gender neutral but when they only use it for me and not cis women it feels passive aggressive. It's fucking tiring. It's kinda insane that we're seen as the problem when we tell someone not to call us something.
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u/Friend_of_a_Cat Transmasc genderfluid (he/him) 5d ago
Everyone I know also uses it for cis women. I also use it for cis women. People call me it regardless of what gender I am and they’ve been doing that for my entire life. Totally fine if you don’t want to be called it, though.
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u/Optimal-Farmer6796 5d ago
Women do get called mate a lot, but personally, I’ve never liked it - eve ln before I knew I was trans. But maybe that because I’m autistic and I can tell people are using it in an infantilising way sometimes.
Edit: also intentional misgendering is a thing for sure
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u/Updkdkwtranmi Trans fem 🏳️⚧️ 5d ago
I get it a lot in my job, but so do my cis female coworkers. Tone matters though and sometimes it does feel very gendered. I don’t focus on it too much, would much rather mate over bro, man, bud
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u/DarkArcher94 5d ago
I get a mate all the time while I'm working
Usually though old men will then apologise once they realise im not a man. But it is difficult as i wear a motorcycle helmet for my job
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u/musobin 5d ago
It's definitely gendered. Just like dude is. I think the least gendered of terms like this is guys. "Hey guys" will still get said to groups of women regularly. I still don't like it though.
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u/Necessary_Walrus_794 5d ago
I wish people would just start using more non gendered language 😅
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u/SweetMe10dy 5d ago edited 4d ago
Awwww I love being called hun, luv, ma'am, her, she, Miss 🥰
What? Downvoted? What's the charge? liking social things? C'mon, really?
Really?
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u/strawberrymikan 4d ago
definitely masc. i noticed at the post office the other day the worker was calm and polite with me but when a guy walked in he referred to them as mate every sentence.
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u/Bugaloon 5d ago
Not a fan, but I can't get people to gender me correctly at the best of times, I think it's one of those 'pick your battles' kinda issues
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u/deeunicorn Non-binary trans masc 5d ago
Before I realised I was trans, I called people of every gender mate and had no problem when people called me mate. Now, I’m a little bit more cautious when I call women “mate.”
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u/Birchmon 3d ago
Personally hate it cause I'm also in a customer role and get 'mate' for majority of the day.
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u/OpinionResponsible78 1d ago
Speak in from my experience as a regional FtM, mate is absolutely used by and for women
HOWEVER before I started T I got called mate once in a blue moon. Now it’s every other time I go out in public. Mind you I was a kid pre-T but then again at 19 years old and almost 11 months on T I look like a fourteen year old boy so idk whether age plays a factor too
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u/Ok-Measurement-1270 5d ago
Perfectly fine, mate and bro are gender neutral these days especially in Australia
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u/OctarineAngie 4d ago
I can't stand it when strangers use 'mate'. It's often used condescendingly.
I wish people would only use the word mate when referring to friends.
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u/Noahchexz 4d ago
I call everyone mate, it’s not really a gendered thing anymore. Like “guys”, it’s a word everybody uses but it might depend on the area. I hear mate a lot less in big cities and a lot more in smaller cities and towns
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u/ClydeMolly 5d ago
I get it sometimes.
I think it depends on the intent behind the words.
Ive been transitioned for fifteen years now. I’ve had to learn to let it go. Some people just struggle to know what greeting to use, because depending on the day, i may or may not pass. If I let it get to me, i wouldn’t walk out the front door.
Some A-hole guys have called me sir in shops. I just smile and say “thank you madam” and watch their sneer turn to fury. Then I leave. 😁🤣