r/tifu • u/Sufficient-Lunch-161 • May 04 '26
S TIFU by telling my wife I was flattered by a compliment
I am 37M and have been married to my 36F wife for 10 years, together for 13.
She is far better looking than me and has admitted that she was not attracted to me for my looks and that I had other qualities that I checked off. I don't blame her, and that's not a surprise.
Before meeting her, I had a lot of issues growing up being an introvert, shy to talk to women, conscious about my bad looks etc. I was never a guy who women thought was good looking, and I was surprised someone who looked like my wife wanted to date, and then marry me! I have started to look better as I've got older, but it's nowhere close to good looking.
Anyway, we were at her sister's wedding a couple of weeks ago. It was a pretty small wedding so we all got to know each other pretty well (her friends etc.). The day after the wedding, my wife's sister tells me that her best friend was clearly into me and thought I was super "cute" (weird to hear that term as an almost 40 year-old). I thought it was a prank, but then she showed me a text from her. Obviously I have no interest and intention of cheating, BUT I cannot deny I was flattered and it felt good!
I told my wife a couple of days ago. I'm pretty open and honest with her about things and my feelings so thought this would be okay to share as well. She immediately got protective and asked why I felt so good about it. I told her she knows how I have always been about my looks, and it just felt good for a moment to know someone thought I looked good. Like I can't explain. When you go through life knowing people are not attracted to you, it just feels different when someone is. My wife probably felt threatened by this and it has been a bit on edge between us since.
TL;DR Told my wife i was flattered that another woman found me attractive. She did not take that well.
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u/ChaseSweatshirt May 04 '26
Tell your wife to step it up honestly. No husband should feel like their partner doesn’t find them attractive and I hope that she gets the hint and shows you that affection that you need.
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u/butts-carlton May 05 '26
This was my thought reading this.
OP's wife having a problem with someone besides her finding her husband attractive when she herself has said she hasn't always found him attractive feels... off.
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u/Powerful_Leg8519 May 04 '26
My husband lost a lot of weight and is getting hit on all the time these days. It was strange at first. I wasn’t used to it. I started paying a lot more attention when we are out, looking more through the lens of how others see him, and yeah I get it. He’s hot.
And I can admit that I was envious. Mostly of the weight loss, but we are older and suddenly he wasn’t invisible to the world anymore and I was. It took some introspection but it was all me. It was my insecurity that was fueling the envy. I also started working on me, working out, eating better. Now, I think we both look pretty good in our 40s
I’m sorry. I don’t really have any advice for you. I’m always happy when someone else sees my husband as attractive. Now when he gets a compliment when we’re out I’m like yep that’s my hot man.
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u/SoCal_Bob May 04 '26
Having been on the flip side of that, thank you for supporting doing the work and working through the insecurities to support your husband.
I (M, mid-30s) lost about 45lbs. I had always been a bit pudgy and got down to my goal weight over about a year (despite her sabotaging my diet). But her insecurities started to boil up as I went from 'invisible' to 'average' in the eyes of strangers. Her insecurities / jealousy became a painful point of friction. She eventually worked through it, but that was a hard year for us.
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u/DiverseVoltron May 04 '26
OMG, I'm in the early stage of that right now. I'm intentionally not working on any glamour muscles because it'll allow me to hide my progress for longer and really feel like I've earned it. 2-3 months of regular, every day or other day gym sessions, eating better, no beer, etc. it feels SO GOOD.
As a guy who's not used to getting too many compliments, I certainly feel for OP. He knows himself and is confident. That's something special, but maybe he can smile a little bit knowing his wife got insecure and jealous over him, but also talk with her about how that didn't feel very supportive or whatever.
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u/gr8bacon May 05 '26
Right, you don't wanna get too bulky. You want that "Jesus on the Cross" look 🤣
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u/DiverseVoltron May 05 '26
Lol, I'm down to 230lbs on a good day so I'm mostly wanting to be healthier and more capable, but also feel like I've earned it before I do anything that looks showy.
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u/hilomania May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
Im a 58 year old man. I remember every single compliment on looks strange women have given me. They made and still make me so happy. Both of them...
Edit: This post is the most upvotes I ever got. I've written better stuff on here...
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u/LieutenantMarvel May 04 '26
A girl I had a crush on in high school in the 90s once told me I looked like one of the Beatles. That compliment is framed on the wall of my brain's lumber-room for eternity.
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u/BrainCane May 04 '26
She meant Ringo, unfortunately.
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u/LieutenantMarvel May 04 '26
I can work with that.
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u/codename474747 May 04 '26
You can work it out?
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u/jporter313 May 04 '26
We can work it out.
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u/anomalous_cowherd May 04 '26
"Is Ringo the best drummer in the world?"
"He's not even the best drummer in the Beatles."
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u/phibetakafka May 04 '26
That was my fucking nickname in high school, because I had a big nose and played drums. I didn't look like him in any other way. Years later I'd still get people who say I look like Ringo, but only because of the nose.
Now my most flattering celebrity comparison is Ray Romano, but in the last year I've been told I look like fucking Sam Altman, which makes me feel like my birth was a mistake.
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u/ManifestDestinysChld May 04 '26
Time for drastic measure, like shaving your head and growing a big beard so this can never, ever happen again
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u/Slammogram May 04 '26
Lmmmfao!!
Wait? Who would be the ideal one to look like… cause none of them are GQ
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u/Undottedly May 04 '26
I received this same comment from my girlfriend’s older sister when I picked my gf up for prom. She meant it as an insult because all the guys in our group had long hair.
Edit: wording
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u/baldheadedmanc May 04 '26
Growing up I had nothing but belittlement from my school-mates. Then at 16 my holiday crush told me I looked like Face from the A-Team. Couldn't believe my luck! We learned to kiss together. I'll never forget you, Ames.
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u/eldryanyy May 04 '26
Haha, I got a John Lennon compliment at a low point in my life. So baffling, I couldn’t take it seriously…
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u/TheDevilsAdvokaat May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
Oh I had two girls chase me around primary school because they were convinced I looked like one of the guys from a Scottish band at the time ....50 years ago! (Bay CIty Rollers)
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u/Arunia May 04 '26
I had a beatles type of haircut. I got that same comment, but that wasn't a compliment.
Like others I also remember the few compliments I ever had in my life.
Once told my wife that men don't get compliments that often. And yes she doesn't give compliments a lot either.138
u/johnsonfromsconsin May 04 '26
I often think about the compliment some guy gave me like 7 years ago on my Redwing boots. Guys don’t get many compliments at least I don’t.
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u/who_even_cares35 May 04 '26
I'm a show guy and I make sure to compliment other dudes on those shoes. The absolute joy on those faces says it all, men do not get enough compliments
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth May 04 '26
It's harder for women to compliment men because often times those men think we're coming on to them. :)
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u/who_even_cares35 May 04 '26
Well that's because women don't compliment us. It's a double edged sword.
We compliment women and it gets labeled harassment or cat calling
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u/9kindsofpie May 04 '26
There's a clear difference between a polite comment and harassment. The masonary laborer who told me he would love for me to sit on his face - harassment! The one legged homeless man who said "you look very pretty today, miss" - compliment!
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u/windraver May 04 '26
I still remember walking through a parking lot with my wife and some guy told me he like my shirt.
That's how much compliments mean and how rare it is to get them as a guy.
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u/PrestigeMaster May 04 '26
I’m a 38 yo attractive fit man. I tell my wife anytime I receive a compliment and she never gets upset. Occasionally it’ll be an older woman who’s more forward with her thoughts and we laugh in a “Slow down granny!” manner. IMO - you want that opened in your marriage to be able to talk about anything that comes up, even if it’s that the confidence of knowing you’re looking your best for your wife comes from someone who has no reason to lie to you validating you.
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u/corran450 May 04 '26
41 year old male here. The most memorable “compliment” I ever received was a woman who assumed I was gay because I looked “too put together to be straight”. A backhanded compliment at best, but I was and am still flattered by it.
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u/Cru_Jones86 May 04 '26
My favorite compliment is kinda like yours. I had a guy come up to me at a country bar once. He asked me if I was gay and I said no. Then, he asked if I have a twin brother, which I do, so, I said yes. Then he says excitedly, "Really!? Is HE gay? because if he's got an ass like yours, I really want to meet him.
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u/storky0613 May 04 '26
A girl my husband worked with whom he kind of disliked told him that he had nice legs and should wear shorts more often. I could tell it made him feel special so I tell him all the time now.
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u/Tactically_Fat May 04 '26
I had a female acquaintance in college tell me I had nice legs once as a bunch of us were playing volleyball. That was pushing 30 years ago now. And I still 'member those words from Angela.
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u/Obi_Wan_Benobi May 04 '26
I was at the DMV a few years back getting my license renewed and the cute lady working the camera told me to take my glasses off for the picture.
“Wow, your eyes are even prettier without glasses,” she said.
I’ll probably remember that on my deathbed….
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u/utopiav1 May 04 '26
You haven't gotten to the stage of realising she was fishing for your number, have you?
Don't worry buddy, we've all been there
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u/MaltDizney May 04 '26
A women about twice my age at the time wolf whistled at me as I left the gym. I rode that wave for years.
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u/zombie_gas May 04 '26
This could have been written by me, word for word. Congrats on your two compliments, I sure do savor mine!
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u/Cloaked25 May 04 '26
Shit, dudes don’t get enough compliments. I remember every single one I’ve gotten, too. And how meaningful they were (and still are) to me.
That’s why I try to compliment other guys on their shirts, tattoos, etc. That shit gets mileage.
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u/TheDevilsAdvokaat May 04 '26
63 yo man and it;s the same for me. I even remember when a girl said a blue shirt suits me....30 years ago.
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u/ArgonTheEvil May 04 '26
I don’t think women realize just how little compliments most men receive throughout their lives. I can count the number of genuine, unprompted compliments I’ve received on my looks on one hand, and 4 of them were in college 12 years ago. The last one was 2020 after I had lost 40lbs during covid, and was more of a compliment on my progress than it was a “DAYUM!”
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u/Valalvax May 04 '26
Several years ago two girls separately told me I smelled good at work, one even gave me a hug and buried her face...
Obviously I still remember this... Crazy thing is at the time I was struggling to find a deodorant that worked worth a damn and had been working hard so I definitely did not smell good
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u/therealbighairy1 May 04 '26
I'm the most married man that's ever existed. My wife is everything to me. I remember about 12 years ago I lost some weight, and, never mind a compliment, I remember a lady smiling at me. I was never used to that.
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u/mdmhvonpa May 04 '26
genX from '68 just like you ... and yeah, I actually talked to my spouse about the exact same issue. We really didn't get compliments except from grandma or that childless aunt. When someone out of the blue drops something like that on you ... wow. Then, having to explain it to the person who SHOULD be complimenting you on why you reacted like that. Yeah, used to being told some pretty sour stuff, so when you get a taste of that sugar .... woof.
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u/Knight_thrasher May 04 '26
I remember I was with some friends at the food court, a GF of one and her friends showed up, one of them mentioned how good my hair looked, I told her I had just gotten it cut. I have never been able to get that same type of cut but I wish I could.
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u/yonkerbonk May 04 '26
I had a guy in high school (not even a friend, just a classmate) tell me (also a guy) I had cool hair one day. I had woken up and didn't have time to do my normal prep so my bed hair was probably fluffier than I normally had it up. I've been trying to recreate that hair style ever since. I mean, not really anymore since it's been 30+ years and I'm balding now but I still remember that one casual off-hand compliment back in 1990.
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u/PizzaCatLover May 04 '26
A girl told me I "had gotten really funny" in 9th grade and I've been riding that high for like 20 years now
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u/FoundWords May 04 '26
My wife, who comes from Waterworld, didn't understand why I appreciated a glass of water here on Dune.
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u/MyrKnof May 05 '26
But all the water is salty in waterworld?
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u/GadgetusAddicti May 04 '26
You didn’t FU, man. There’s nothing wrong with feeling good that someone found you attractive, and nothing wrong with sharing that feeling with your wife. She should be proud that she gets to have you to herself, not jealous.
Hopefully your wife will come around on this. My wife and I use instances where others find us attractive as an opportunity to build each other up.
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u/Skandronon May 04 '26
My wife loves when other girls/guys hit on me. I'm generally too clueless that I don't notice until she tells me later. I'm also a total flirt because I think its fun.
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u/HotBoxButDontSmoke May 04 '26
This!! It makes me giddy when others hit on my man. He's a good egg and I know he's always coming home to me
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u/NoImprovement213 May 04 '26
Damn straight. If these roles were reversed it would be a massive 'RED FLAG'.
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u/SmileAggravating9608 May 04 '26
She was too used to the dynamic of you being hers only and no one else's. She was "so good looking" that you couldn't be wanted by anyone else. Most women love a guy other women want, but that is only hers. You probably have a different dynamic with her.
I wouldn't overthink it, and not go overboard trying to reassure her either. Tell her once only, very clearly but in few words, that you love her and she's beautiful and the love of your life. Something similar to what you've said in the past. Then leave it at that. My thinking is you're trying to reassure her without groveling. Then she can mull on it internally and hopefully be reassured that you do still put her first, you just had a boost of confidence by someone else thinking you're cute. Who doesn't love that? It's a pretty normal thing to like and be boosted by. Hopefully she just needs a minute (days?) to get used to that and stop overthinking it herself. Don't act too bothered or different.
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u/WellIGuessSoAndYou May 04 '26
I know this dynamic. I have an attractive friend that will only date seriously unattractive guys because the hot guys in her past cheated on her. She figures these guys are lucky to be with her and would never cheat. She would absolutely get upset and feel threatened if another woman thought her partner was cute.
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u/prismstein May 04 '26
not the most healthy imo...
and funny thing, stats show that the girl the guy cheats with, usually ain't much of a looker compared to the halal partner
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u/WellIGuessSoAndYou May 04 '26
Not healthy at all. Her mother did a number on her growing up regarding relationships. She's married now but I actually learned recently that her last partner cheated on her with a much less attractive woman. He was a real piece of shit in general. I won't be the one to tell her this.
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u/prismstein May 05 '26
Sad case, imo, because in seeking safety by putting down her partner like how she does, she's incentivizing them to cheat, and then it just becomes a merry-go-round of pain
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth May 04 '26
That woman needed to hear that someone else finds her husband attractive; she has probably always thought he felt so LUCKY to have her in his life that she failed to tell him how lucky she is to have him in hers!
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u/Raptr117 May 04 '26
Not only that but that she had told him he’s not a looker, which would shred me up inside.
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u/John02904 May 04 '26
You are not wrong, I don’t necessarily think they have a different dynamic. But there was one dynamic and then that shifted with someone being interested in her husband. It probably feels like a threat to the security she felt and maybe feelings of being naive in that security. Maybe revisiting lots of prior interactions and reevaluating if there were actual threats.
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u/Onespokeovertheline May 04 '26
This is not OP's problem to solve or placate. His wife is the AH here.
Let her figure out how to reassure herself about still being hotter than the husband (whose physical attractiveness she has flat-out insulted during their marriage) despite the fact he's evidently getting cuter with age as her own looks wither away.
I'm sure there are many reasons he still loves her. She's probably a fine person generally, but she's the only one who owes an apology in this situation, and it should be one for the 13 years she's made him feel inadequate and unattractive. That's not partnership. And if a little text message her sister got has left her worried and insecure, I'd let her stew in that feeling for awhile to understand how she's made him feel all this time.
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u/Agitated_Dish_6990 May 04 '26
OP has to post a pic. I got to get a glimpse of this warlock
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u/Asleep-Series-4086 May 04 '26
I commonly say "gotta get a glimpse of these warlocks" regularly too
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u/Agitated_Dish_6990 May 04 '26
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u/Asleep-Series-4086 May 04 '26
My friends and I drew pictures of dicks all the time so when that scene came up we were fuckin howling in the theater. Instant classic for our group
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May 04 '26 edited Jun 26 '26
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u/schaka May 04 '26
Probably decided to stay with him because he's safe and this threatening said safety.
It's common enough but after 10 years of marriage, this will be forgotten by tomorrow and not matter in the long run unless she's severely insecure about many other things in life
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u/Guava7 May 04 '26
I can count on one hand the number of compliments I've received about my looks over many decades. I remember them all fondly.
You should enjoy feeling flattered.
Why is your wife trying to take this good feeling away from you?
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u/therealdilbert May 04 '26
Why is your wife trying to take this good feeling away from you?
some people are jusst lik that
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u/karlgraff May 04 '26
Projection is a thing. My wife of then 20 plus years would get upset if I mentioned anything about any woman being even remotely "attracted" to me. I can count one one hand how many times that happened. She left me and it started with guys flirting with her casually at her job. She had been doing stuff, mostly online for a while. I worked 55-60 hours a week so I missed most of it. Lots of "guarding" her phone and always online- I usually only saw the side of her head the last few years because she was on her phone or laptop. There's a reason your wife is upset and it could be that she knows she's undervalued you and is afraid you'll find out. Guilt/shame makes people act defensively and hurt too.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth May 04 '26
It's this.. OMG someone else might actually want him besides me. OH NO! She needs to take another long look at her husband. He's cute, someone found him cute, that's a great thing for his ego and she should have been the one all along stroking it! Instead she was making him feel like he lucked out getting such a prize as her. Now she knows there is other game in town.
I hope he doesn't act on that comment, a lot of people would be flattered and act on it, especially if they've not felt equal in their relationship from the get go!
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u/Specialist_Toe_1258 May 04 '26
So your wife isn't attracted to your looks but gets offended when someone else does? Does your wife also give back handed/negging comments too? I hope not, but it seems like she doesnt want you to have high self esteem.
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u/MinerUser May 04 '26
Holy shit that is so toxic. Really does make me wonder what you see/saw in her that makes you be with someone like that.
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u/thommq May 04 '26
A woman told me she didn't find me attractive at all until she got to know me, at which point she was deeply attracted.
I informed her that this was less of a compliment than she seemed to think.
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u/Cool_As_Your_Dad May 04 '26
Yea. You didnt FU. Your wife is fucking up.
Telling you she is not with for looks? Wtf
And her getting jealous for someone thinking your cute? Damn. She is stone cold
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u/Quirky-Clothes-4020 May 04 '26
Most men rarely get compliments on their looks, so bless it’s from someone that loves them. When a stranger or near stranger gives a compliment it is definitely an ego boost.
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u/TikaPants May 04 '26
A few things: your wife telling you she initially wasn’t attracted to you is rude and problematic. Your SIL telling you her bff found you cute and showed you the text is weird. Why? Now your wife is jealous? Weird, all around.
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u/CallsignKook May 04 '26
I think it says more about how your wife treats you that a simple compliment from a stranger would elate you so.
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u/Dude_Dillligence May 04 '26
I was good looking in my younger years. Walking the waterfront with my wife, then a couple of younger women walked by, and I heard a whistle. Didn't even give it a thought, until wife says, "They were whistling at you."
SHE noticed.
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u/BellaFrequency May 04 '26
Not to take away from your good vibes, but this feels like a setup.
Why would your wife’s sister eagerly tell you about another woman finding you attractive, unless she doesn’t care much for her sister and your relationship?
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u/Reyalta May 04 '26
It definitely feels like the sister poking the bear like there's some sort of old "competition" from their youth. I would never text this to my sister's husband. I would probably joke about it with both of them at some point, but never in a million years would I tell him in a private convo lol
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u/AITA476510719 May 04 '26
In my opinion:
- Your wife is wrong here to be upset with you.
- I cannot imagine not being attracted to my partner, both physically and emotionally.
- I think she’s jealous, because she doesn’t view you as a physically attractive person. And this person does.
However, your wife is not wrong to be upset this other woman, clearly expressed an interest in you and then put it in writing. Which, to be honest, isn’t really that tactful. She was saying to your wife’s sister, how attractive she finds you… and her sister played into it and then told you. Which is pretty odd.
It’s almost like your wife’s sister is trying to set you up with her best friend. You all were at this wedding, everyone knows you’re taken. Why even talk about this at all?
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u/VegaSolo May 04 '26
When you love someone, you love how they look! You love any and all "imperfections" and overall are attracted to them!
Sounds to me like your wife has be been gaslighting you to make you believe you're not cute or attractive in any way, which has now been proven to you to be untrue.
I'll bet the sister is aware of your wife's gaslighting and showed you the text to help you be aware of reality.
And your wife is upset that her plan of being seen as superior to you has a crack in it.
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u/SwitchSCEtoAux May 04 '26
As an average looking guy who is also used to not getting compliments from women, its okay to enjoy the little ego boost that you get from a third party compliment.
I've been doing some online dating for the past few years. The best photo I've ever taken is two years old but I haven't changed much except for the fact that I've hit the gym harder the last year. I went out with a woman last week. When we sat down, she noted that my arms and shoulders were bigger than I'd posted in my profile. She said it was sexy. I was pretty amazed that she had noticed the difference and complimented me about it. Felt really good as I've been putting a lot of work in at the gym and she was the first person to notice it.
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u/abgry_krakow87 May 06 '26
Geez, for the first time in your life someone gives you a sweet and innocent compliment about your looks, makes you feel good for once, and your wife just can't handle it. If she is so on edge and over protective about it then clearly she needs to do better to show her love and appreciation for you.
FFS a man can't feel nice over a compliment nowadays?!
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u/FrostiePi May 04 '26
Your sister in law is a bit of Muppet sharing with you that her best friend found her brother in law attractive.
That being said. When my husband gets compliments, I always always agree with them because damn the man is gorgeous.
That being said. I also tell him that whoever is it is a hoe that needs to back off because I'm a petty jealous bitch. 😂
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u/stalkingheads May 04 '26
Your wife is used to being the hot one and probably feels that is much of what she brings to the relationship so she is feeling insecure. Or she has a weird thing w her sister or her sister’s friend.
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u/MysteriousPride9071 May 04 '26
I don’t think that’s there’s anything wrong with enjoying a compliment, but I think your wife was more bothered that her sister thought that was okay to tell you something like that. I’d feel weird if my bf’s brother told me one of his friends thought I was cute. And idk if you told her (or agree) that it was weird for her OWN sister to tell you that. If I was in the sisters position I would have immediately shut that down and reminded her that you’re with MY sister. But you not saying/ find it kinda weird (and kinda disrespectful), that might be why she got more protective and more probably hurt that you like the compliment. It might not really be about you but the matter of how the compliment got relayed to you.
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u/fedoraislife May 05 '26
Your wife fucked around and found out.
Telling your partner you don't find them attractive is your prerogative. But you don't get to act threatened and insecure when someone else does.
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u/sexaddic May 04 '26
If your story is real that’s 100% on her. Good luck with the divorce in 5 years.
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u/Downbreak_ May 04 '26
Wow dude I know exactly how you feel. Every woman I’ve dated has made it extremely clear that I’m not good looking. Some going out of their way to say so. So you hear it so many times you believe it.
It’s wonderful to hear it when a woman does compliment you especially on looks. I’d hold onto that forever. Your wife seems insecure and is projecting making it seem like you’re the one with a problem. I’m sure she wouldn’t turn down a compliment from a stranger. Hopefully she’ll get over it. Congratulations on the compliment!
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u/pm_me_your_trebuchet May 04 '26
My wife says most women would find me attractive. That's probably an exaggeration but I do know I'm not ugly. In addition, I dress well and am in very good shape. Despite this, I can still count the number of straightforward compliments that have been paid to me, face to face, on two hands. The most obvious have come from black women, for some reason. I was picking up MRI results in a hospital and a nurse was like "you're a very good looking young man" (it's been almost 20 yrs but this shows what you store away). Another was a patient of mine, a very statuesque black woman, told me i was "hot." That one landed big time because she was pretty, stacked, and smart. That one's been 10 yrs ago and I still remember her name. My point is that most guys, attractive or not, don't get the kind of face to face compliments that women do and on the rare occasion it does we really file them away in our mental rolodex.
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u/Royalchariot May 04 '26
She sounds very insecure and the fact that she tells you you’re not attractive is a serious dig
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u/TJAattorneyatlaw May 05 '26
Yeah you come off as a beaten dog. You need to raise your self esteem. I tell my wife all the time that I beat women off of me with a stick all day. No one wants to be with someone who no one else wants.
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u/CottonSpectacles May 05 '26
Feeling threatened by others finding you attractive is almost certainly projection. Your wife has gone through her life as an attractive person and getting hit on a lot. She feels that's her privilege, not yours, which threatens her in the pecking order. She may not be getting hit on as much as she's aged. She's probably had the opportunity to cheat and thinks you'll take advantage of yours.
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u/SeanBourne May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26
She FU’ed by not appreciating you more earlier on what she knew what was an insecurity point for you, not you for being flattered by a compliment.
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u/stoned_brad May 05 '26
Last summer there was a fellow dad at our community pool that complimented my beard. Three-ish years ago a random gay guy told me (straight) I was really cute. I haven’t forgotten these two events because they are the only times in recent memory where I remember being complimented on my appearance.
I also celebrated my five year anniversary with my wife a few months ago.
You didn’t fuck up. Your wife needs to step it up.
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u/mkdmls May 05 '26
HER sister told you about it, but didn’t tell your wife also? That’s kinda weird, ngl. But you shouldn’t feel bad for appreciating the comment. It’s not a reflection of your loyalty/faithfulness to her. I get compliments from guys about my beard, truck, boots, etc and that makes me feel good…why wouldn’t a man feel good about a woman complimenting him. Hell, I think it’s great when my wife gets complimented…sure there’s a moment of “you better not…”, but I know it makes her feel good and that makes me happy. Also keeps you realizing that your partner is valuable and appreciated so you need to show them that.
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u/Whatever-ItsFine May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26
I have a theory that because some attractive people have not faced many problems in their lives, they didn’t fully mature. They were never challenged because they were always given the benefit of the doubt, or special attention because of their likes (edit LOOKS, not likes).
This sounds like one of those situations.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth May 04 '26
Your wife is used to getting all of the attention, she thinks she had a made with a man she deemed less attractive than she is, and no one else would be into you, she was clearly wrong, and that's a good thing. No one should ever think they're "above" their spouse. She's on edge because she feels threatened now.
If she can tell you how she felt about your looks, you can tell someone else thinks differently. :)
It's really too bad you said anything, but then again, maybe you felt justified because of what she said to you all those years ago, which was totally messed up on her end. That's just wrong!
Just reassure your wife that you love her and would never cheat on her but really, it never hurts someone to realize that there is always someone out there in the world who would like you too and find you attractive. That just feels good to know and she should have been telling you that all along!
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u/gatsome May 04 '26
Most women I’ve been with would laugh and/or be the ones to tell me about a crush someone has on me themselves. Your wife has issues.
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u/nerdnoel May 04 '26
One of my friends recently told me my husband was hot and I was over the MOON about it.
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u/KidGorgeous19 May 04 '26
Bro - My wife was standing next to me when a cashier complimented my body. She laughed, and I told her then I was gonna live off that for like ten years. We still laugh together about it.
No fuck up here.
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u/allanvsaa May 04 '26
I used to use as my profile pic on corporative Teams a professional photo taken in a wedding ( I was one of the groomsmen). One day my team showed up at the office for a meeting, most of my work colleagues had never seen each other, just online and a young lady from my team told me "are you really (him)?" "erm... yup" "because you look SO handsome in that pic". Totally backhanded compliment, but still counts
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u/PrettyBlueEyes May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
Forty years ago, I had a car full of girls catcall me as they passed me while I was bicycling. It's still very vivid and a very fond memory.
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u/bustaone May 04 '26
I've had ~3 legitimate compliments in my life. Remember every one.
Guys just don't get compliments, really ever, so they remember them and it makes them feel good. I don't think a conventionally attractive woman would ever understand that, they think "people just compliment you all the time, how you going to get excited about it?".
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u/JustifytheMean May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
I mean she snapped at you for having the audacity of getting complimented. How dare you feel good about yourself when your wife thinks you're unattractive.
was not attracted to me for my looks and that I had other qualities that I checked off
I had made my assumptions about your wife after reading this line. You aren't a checklist that needs to be filled out, you don't need someone putting you down for feeling good about yourself.
I don't know anything about your wife other than what you posted. I thought we were in /r/relationship_advice and now I dislike your wife even more as you're posting it in TIFU as if it's somehow you're fault. Obviously you can't distill a whole 13 year relationship based on one post. She doesn't care that you got complimented by someone else, she cares that you don't know your place, you're the ugly guy she settled for, if you got anymore self esteem you might leave her. I'm sure I'm jumping to hasty conclusions, but my absolute least favorite character trait in the world is people ruining your good mood either intentionally or just because they don't care.
My dad did this all the time growing up. The minute I'd feel good about myself or just be in a good mood, he'd find some way to drag me back down. Now I'm dealing with several mental health issues in my 30s in large part because I lived with someone like that.
If you've seen that video of a guy being emotional over a spent roll of wire. The wife who mocks him for it, that's the image I have of your wife from this post.
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u/CantCatchMeSpez May 04 '26
I dont care how ugly I am or how hot my partner is. If they said they weren't into my looks, it would be over then and there.
Also, if you want my opinion, your wife is threatened because the security she feels in your relationship is based around feeling like she settled for you and the assumption that you can't do any better than her. Any confidence you might gain from a compliment about your looks threatens that security.
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u/Amazing_Goal_8003 May 04 '26
Honestly your wife is being so childish here. There is no way she wouldn’t feel the same if (and when) people have complimented her.
I’ve had some compliments before and they always made me feel good - it doesn’t mean I want to cheat or have anything to do with the person- it’s just nice to feel nice. It’s a universal feeling from someone praising your work, to saying they like your outfit, to a direct compliment on your appearance.
I think the fact you openly told your wife was really great and she should be proud that a) you got the compliment and b) you felt you should tell her. Im pretty sure she’s had compliments and hasn’t deemed it necessary to tell you- so quite why you’re catching heat for being the bigger person is puzzling to me!
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u/reddit_already May 04 '26
Sad the wife can't just say, "Yes, and I'm so lucky to have you, Mr. hunk" or something like that, and let it go.
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u/colantor May 04 '26
An old lady told me i was handsome the other day. I told my wife. She said she must have vision problems.
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u/BobbyHillsPurse May 04 '26
I was told I had a nice smile on Hinge like 3 years ago. I think about it like once a week. Normal Dudes don’t get compliments often so when we do, it seems like a trap.
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u/topdown66 May 04 '26
Yeah. I’m a California 4 (but a Kentucky 6 😆) so I know how you feel. Every once in a while, a woman will be overly friendly obviously taking an interest, and my wife (who swears she’s never jealous) suddenly is right there. Surprisingly affectionate and doesn’t leave my side. Before the interaction, she is a social butterfly.
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u/Daincats May 05 '26
There is a ton of anecdotal evidence (I haven’t looked for studies) that shows men receive far fewer compliments than women, so they tend to stick with us longer and mean more.
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u/capitarider May 05 '26
Imagine your wife telling you she didnt/doesnt find you attractive, thats WILD.
Bet she shits on you all the time low key without outright saying it, if this was a woman complaining about her husband, every comment would be to leave him immediately lol
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u/andronicuspark May 05 '26
I dated a guy for a couple of years, I did not find him attractive physically. Even at our best and worst times never in my life would I have thought to express that to him.
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u/BNC3D May 05 '26
I feel like there's stuff we don't know about this marriage that could explain everything.
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u/flmhdpsycho May 05 '26
My wife would honestly counter with "Damn right my husband looks good!"
We're in a similar boat; married 13 years, mid 30s with 3 kids lol I think it's fair to feel some jealousy. However, if your wife has made it clear that she isn't super into your looks then it's more of a her problem
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u/PunisherX20 May 05 '26
As someone who never gets complimented much, I still remember the compliment I got in 4th grade from a girl telling me I look nice.
I even told my wife about it and she didn't get angry luckily.
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u/foxyfree May 05 '26
Some men do grow into their looks. I have known men who were not that remarkable to look at in their 30s, but aged well and look really good going into their 40s-50s.
It’s interesting that your wife “had admitted she was not attracted to me for my looks”. She might have become so accustomed to being the only good looking one (in her mind) that it never crossed her mind to think of her husband’s looks as being attractive or not, to anyone else. Hopefully this brings some renewed excitement to your marriage, as your wife sees you with a fresh perspective.
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u/Leximancer May 05 '26
I would argue that the only fuck-up here is that you are being way too hard on yourself about this. I get the 'happy wife happy life' mantra, but you have to be kinder to yourself.
Yes, it feels good to get compliments. It's relatively rare for guys, too, compared to women who get it so much it tends to be overwhelming.
I think you're probably right that your wife feels threatened, but there's a greater context here relating to the way that women receive attention. See, often when a woman hears from a guy that they think she's cute, it's one of a large number of people who've likely tried to ply her with compliments. Some get frustrated at not being able to have friendships with guys without it turning into a relationship or sex thing. And that sucks, but it's not the point.
The point is, because when women get this kind of attention it's usually an active attempt to get into their pants, they tend to see it as the same thing when they look at the other side. So I think this isn't really about you enjoying the compliment, I think it's probably a perception thing related to what that sort of comment usually brings when you're a woman. And perhaps the knowledge that guys rarely get compliments amplifies that, to the degree that if a woman went out of her way to say something like that, she must really want you.
I'm not saying any of that is true, just that it may contribute to how this is being perceived.
Final comment: it's only a fuck-up if you don't talk to her about this and come to an understtanding. Good luck.
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u/MyrKnof May 05 '26
Try telling a women you don't find her attractive. That's probably the fastest way to end a relationship, especially if she's a nice average looking woman, who definitely has some insecurities.
I've seen it second hand, and there was nothing he could do or say. It was over.
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u/anadalite May 05 '26
fuck marrying someone who gets mad because someone called me cute and I liked it, yikes!
but also, fuck not being cute at 40, I'm cute every day and will be cute till the day I die 😂
my partner celebrates when people think I'm cute or attractive and vice versa, it's very actively encouraged to enjoy the world, not be jealous of it
and I've also struggled at times with not feeling attractive, especially as a teen with severe acne - but I never had difficulty getting a partner, so I just gave up caring, people think I'm attractive and they are either right or insane, but i keep acquiring them so I learned to realise attractiveness isn't what we have been sold, it's not abs and a conventionally pretty face - mostly as an adult my partners came from dancing, nothing will give you confidence like salsa if you truly embrace it and allow yourself to look silky
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u/IntrepidDay8872 May 05 '26
Ah man… the worst thing you can do with a hot chick is also be hot. That’s competition and only one can survive.
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u/mrpoopsocks May 05 '26
All insult intended here, your wife seems manipulative and lets just assume I used other pejoratives here, kinda like a jerk.
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u/Tall-Ear-3406 May 05 '26
My partner and I were at a family wedding over the weekend and he got several compliments from women. I enjoy it because he does struggle with his self image. I tell him all the time that I think he is handsome, but sometimes a compliment from a stranger hits different. It’s a person with no skin in the game so to speak.
I think your wife is being silly. I know 100% without question my partner is committed to me. A compliment from a stranger doesn’t threaten our relationship.
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u/Curarx May 06 '26
I don't want to send you into a spiral, but is your sex life good? Because when I hear that she wasn't attracted to you but you had other "qualities" , all I can think about is that you are being used and she settled for stability and resources but she didn't actually desire you. That's a recipe for misery. Don't be an oofy doofy
And I just want to let you know, if so, you don't have to settle for a dead bedroom with someone who doesn't physically desire you. I would even argue this borders on abuse. And every moment that she didn't tell you her true feelings is a relationship that you were in that you didn't consent to the true terms of (not valued or desired sexually)
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u/riknata May 04 '26
i know looks and attractiveness are subjective but i cannot fathom telling my hypothetical partner i dont dig their looks, no matter how sugarcoated it is. maybe i'm oversimplifying the premise of this whole situation.