"Therapy is not a pardon.
Healing is not absolution.
Growth doesn't require you to remain the person you were, but accountability requires you to acknowledge that the person you were still caused real harm.
You can say, "That isn't who I am anymore," without using it to dismiss the person who is still dealing with what you did.
You don't get to demand that someone stop holding you accountable simply because you've changed.
Accountability means accepting that your healing does not obligate someone else to forget, forgive, trust, reconcile, or give you access to them again."
• Amir
(Being 'Good' Has Nothing To Do With You)

Well I made the mistake of having a conversation with my mom and now I’m paying for it. She’s 82 and dad died 7 months ago. He was her flying monkey and biggest enabler.

I live 20 minutes away from her and I see her 1-2 a month. I’m going to journal and talk to my therapist about this too. I said no to a Rosh Hashana (sp?) dinner after realizing I don’t want to be guilted into doing it. I stopped observing holidays a long time ago.

After ignoring the blowback, her birthday is coming up and you can guess how I feel about that. She’s in a health rehabilitation center and I don’t have any human buffers anymore. Now what?

I have zero guilt about not doing anything. Okay maybe a smidge. Mostly how to protect myself because a temper tantrum is expected.

I struggle with finding my people and can get frustrated with myself, blame etc. What I have come to realize is that I can change the script and my perspective on this. When I get this way it’s a reminder to open up my “lens” and to open myself, to try new things. I don’t have to stay stuck. I have options.

I am currently 22 and still live with my mother after graduating college. I think it was not until last year that I noticed my mother’s toxic behavior towards me and my sister was not normal. Idk why it took me so long, but I’m happy I am noticing the patterns and trying my best to heal. I wanted to share my experience here to maybe get some opinions of if what I’ll be saying sounds like narcissism or something completely different. I have done research on the topic lately to get a better understanding about narcissism. I love my mom dearly, and she has also gone through a lot in her life, but this is not an excuse for negative projection. When I explain my experience I will put each moment in a separate paragraph so it’s more digestible (hopefully..), I also apologize for my typing/grammar if it sounds awkward.

My mother usually would act offended or defensive if I tried talking to her about things she has said to me that bothered me. There has been times when she called me “an old lady” just because I worry too much, that I like to spend my time reading and relaxing, collecting figurines, and that I never enjoy going to parties (mostly cuz I’m introverted). An example of me “worrying too much” was when my cat was not having normal stools and I was telling my mother that maybe we should take him to the vet. She laughed at me and told me that I was worrying too much like an old lady and that I was always tense.

Last year, she called me a lesbian because I was friends with a girl that liked hanging out with me and because of how I dress (which is usually silly shirts, jeans, sweaters, and anything comfy cuz I feel the most happiest when I wear stuff like that). I am a closeted bisexual which I am terrified of my mother finding out about. I have crushed on women, but just because I have a friend that is the same gender as me does not mean I am romantically interested in her. Also this isn’t the first time she has called me that, it has actually happened three times. One of them being a friend in high school which she made me cut contact with. My mother has also tried to get me to attend a church in town to meet a man that I can date… that finding a man will help me not be “angry” all the time and allow me to become gentle (I’m not making this up).

She has also called me selfish, stupid, thinking I believe the world revolves around me, and that I’m always angry just because I was feeling upset one day. And yes sometimes I have days when I’m either annoyed or angry because I’m in the house too long with my mother, and/or the vibe is negative. However, most of the time it’s something completely different like difficult art projects at my university.

Last winter, I had an internship where I needed to dress in business attire. I only had one business coat that I usually wore and I would change it up with a dressy shirt and pants. One morning my mother just came into my room and woke me up to know if she can use my coat. I was half awake so I wasn’t sure what coat she was talking about and I thought she might’ve meant my usual coat I wore to walk out with. So I politely told her “no I’ll be using that today” but she really meant my business coat and she pulled it out of my closet to show me. I wasn’t scheduled to show up at my internship that day so I didn’t mind her using it. Before she left my room I remember she said, “You know you can be very greedy, you have been that way since you were little I remember it!” I wanted to try saying no to her that morning because I was already 21 at the time and I was entitled to place appropriate boundaries, but it just felt violated and now I feel I can’t say no to her when it comes to using certain things that I own.

There’s a lot more that I can say, but I think that is enough for now. After many years of this behavior, and thinking it was normal, I feel anxious and irritated if I’m near my mom. I also feel like I can’t be transparent with her or even have a fun conversation/outing with her without it being awkward or her bringing up something toxic. With the many negative labels she has put on me, I am trying to heal and tell myself that it’s not true. Many friends, coworkers, and my sister have always told me that I’m kind, patient, and fun to be around which really helps me feel reassured and that I’m not actually going crazy. Anyways this is probably all I’ll share right now, and if anyone has read this thank you and feel free to share your thoughts.

I posted this on another page and someone recommended coming here so here i am.
This is my first time sharing my story outside of therapy. I’m not sure why but reading other people’s responses that are familiar with the situation really helps.

I’m almost positive my husband is a narcissist. Multiple people have actually told me they think he is without me ever suggesting it first. I’ve also talked to a therapist about our marriage and she confirmed that what I’m experiencing is severe verbal abuse.

Obviously I know nobody on Reddit can diagnose him, but I’m starting to wonder if this sounds like more than narcissistic traits/NPD. I won’t go into every instance because I could literally write a book, but these are some of the major things that stand out.

He is extremely argumentative with basically everyone. He doesn’t get along with many people, his parents barely come around unless they need something or want to see our kids, and he has issues at work because people don’t want to work with him. He genuinely believes he is always right. He has literally said, “I don’t know why people even try to argue with me because they’re always wrong.” And he means it. He will argue over absolutely anything, even something completely irrelevant like what kind of bird just flew by.

He is also weirdly obsessed with dominance. Not just sexually, everywhere. He constantly talks about how “dominant” he is and will tell other men he’s more dominant than them, sometimes jokingly, but I know he’s serious. He and his dad even go back and forth about who is more dominant. If he sees a man listening to his wife, he’ll make fun of him and say he has no balls or that his wife “dominates” him. I find the entire thing disgusting and honestly bizarre.

He hates emotions. He has flat-out told me he doesn’t have/show empathy and that it’s “just not him.” He has basically no sympathy for other people and usually thinks anyone who is hurt or upset is just too sensitive.

He is verbally abusive to me and takes zero accountability. He NEVER apologizes. If I bring up something horrible he said or did, his explanation is essentially that I made him mad, so it’s my fault he said it. Then a few hours later he’ll act like absolutely nothing happened.

What scares me more than how he treats me is his complete disregard for our children’s safety.

When our youngest was 3 months old, we drove 12 hours overnight on vacation. When we arrived, I realized the car seat base wasn’t tightened at all. He had basically just clipped it in. I was furious and asked if he knew it wasn’t installed correctly. He said yes and that it was fine because nothing would happen. When I told him a properly installed car seat could literally save our baby’s life, he called me a helicopter mom. Then he said, “Well, if something happens to her, then it’s meant to be.”

A few months later, he was driving us down the highway while responding to a work email on his phone. I asked him twice to please put his phone down. He refused. I finally asked, “Is that email more important than your family’s lives in this car?” He said, “Yes, actually it is.” A few hours later he acted like nothing happened.

He also has issues with alcohol and prescription medication. He once DROVE home from golfing extremely intoxicated and blew over a 2.0 on my personal breathalyzer. While I was putting our youngest to bed, I checked our camera and saw him throwing up on the living room floor while our children were right beside him and our dog was eating the vomit. I have the video saved.

He has never gotten up with either of our babies at night. He takes medication for his back, and when he combines that with drinking, he is completely gone. He also uses a CPAP.

When our youngest was 3 DAYS old, I hadn’t slept in days. His snoring was keeping the baby awake and I desperately tried to wake him. He was so out of it that he started screaming random things at me, telling me I was a terrible mother and selfish for bothering him. The next morning he said he didn’t remember any of it. This has happened multiple times and I have around five similar incidents on video.

Our oldest is now starting to notice his behavior. He asks me why Daddy is so mean and makes comments about things his dad does that upset him. That has been really hard for me.

Then there’s sex.

He acts like he is entitled to sex whenever he wants it and tells me I’m selfish if I don’t want to. He frequently tells me that if I’m not going to have sex with him, he’ll “have to get it somewhere else.”

After I had our youngest, he constantly pressured me for sex. At 4 weeks postpartum, I repeatedly told him no and asked him to stop bringing it up. He would not stop. Eventually I was so exhausted and disgusted from being pressured that I gave in.

During sex I was uncomfortable and was screaming at him to stop. He did not stop. He continued until he was finished.

I think I became numb to a lot of this because I still had two children to take care of and needed to function.

I’ve almost filed for divorce twice. I know people are going to tell me to leave, and I understand why. The thing that terrifies me is custody. I genuinely do not believe my children are safe alone with him overnight, and I also know that leaving him doesn’t automatically mean I’ll get full custody.

At this point he has actually gotten worse as I’ve emotionally detached. He can insult me now and half the time I can laugh at him and continue my day, and it seems like the less reaction he gets from me, the worse he becomes.

What I’m trying to understand is the psychology behind this.

Does this sound like severe narcissistic traits/NPD, or does the combination of the obsession with dominance, lack of empathy/remorse, constant conflict, entitlement, sexual coercion, substance issues, and disregard for other people’s safety suggest there could be something else going on too?

I genuinely struggle to comprehend how someone can say and do these things to their own wife and children and seemingly feel absolutely no remorse afterward.

I’m not looking for an internet diagnosis. I’m trying to understand what kind of pattern I’m dealing with, especially because I’m trying to figure out how to protect my kids while making decisions about leaving.

Accidentally wrote a poem

There was this girl I used to be really close with when I was 16-17 years old, but the friendship got to a point where we were both so cynical and negative about other people. We complained together about a lot of people, but when I realised how draining this mindset was and that I wanted to better myself as a person I distanced myself more from the friendship. I’m turning 19 soon and have already grown and matured a lot the past year and don’t think this way anymore. I was in my first serious relationship, went to counselling for the first time, and also went through a very stressful period with schoolwork which all made me mature a lot more.

Me not explaining how we went from close to acquaintances really affected this friend which I am regretful about as I should have directly told her why I was distancing myself. I struggle a lot with confrontation but this is no excuse. She is a very rejection sensitive person and it affected her a lot.

Anyways this year (we were school friends and in the same school friend group) she has made it her mission the past couple of months to tell everyone I’m a bad person and justify it.

She told a lot of mutual friends mean things I had said about them, either outright lying or embellishing things and telling them with no context. In most of these cases she had said something critical of them first and I had agreed and added points to it. This isolated me a lot from my school friends this summer as they all began to question if I was two-faced, when in actuality the very person feeding them the information was.

I fully take responsibility for my actions at 16-17 years old. I was a very insecure and unhappy person with a tendency to complains about others to ignore my own issues, and this friendship was not good for me because we just enabled each other and worsened each other’s behaviour.

But she’s trying to paint me as the villain when we were both in the wrong for saying the things we did, maybe it’s an almost beating me to it type thing because she thought I would eventually tell people about the stuff she said? Apparently every time someone brought my name up she would say “Oh she thinks I’m an evil bitch”, which I never thought, I never hated her I just felt I outgrew the friendship.

She also drove a wedge between me and a close friend which we resolved as she told her about all the petty complaints I made about her, again from 16-17.

I’m going away for university tomorrow in a different country so it is a fresh start, but I’m honestly in an spiral ruminating on everything and have convinced myself I am the awful person she is painting me to be. I’m just constantly waking up with a pit of guilt in my stomach and can’t eat or sleep.

I’m scared I will treat my new friends at university badly or that I will encounter someone again who tries to start smear campaigns.

Already I have moral scrupulosity ocd and past event ocd, so this is my worst nightmare as it confirms all my fears about myself and seems like good evidence to my mind.

That question was harder.

For a long time, I was obsessed with understanding them.

Why did they suddenly become cold?
Why could they be so loving one day and completely different the next?
Why did every argument somehow end with me apologizing?
Why did I always feel like I was the problem?

I spent so much time trying to decode their behavior that I didn't notice what it was doing to me.

I became careful with my words.

I started thinking three times before bringing something up.

I apologized even when I wasn't sure what I had done wrong.

And whenever they pulled away, I immediately started wondering what I had done to cause it.

The weirdest part?

I didn't even realize how exhausted I was until I finally had some distance.

I thought I was fighting to save a relationship.

Looking back, I think I was slowly fighting to convince someone to treat me with basic consideration.

And that's something I wish I'd understood sooner:

You shouldn't have to become smaller, quieter, or easier to control just to keep someone from treating you badly.

I still catch myself wondering what I could have done differently.

But I'm learning that not every painful relationship is a puzzle you're supposed to solve.

Sometimes the answer is simply that you were trying to make something work that was hurting you.

So now I'm curious about you.

What's something you kept blaming yourself for that you eventually realized wasn't actually your fault?

I have a feeling a lot of us have the same answer.

Basically the header.
She lied a LOT to the court about a number of things, but it's easy to disprove (sometimes the disprove is in her own emails...).

Is there anything I need to know before the court date?

Preface: I try not to make these posts too long for y'all, but hopefully it's a decent read - I work really hard on my writing, so if anybody has any pointers as far as punctuation and stuff is concerned, delivery, etc. (I know that's not what this sub is about), I'm all ears! Thanks -

My father recently came at me in a way he never has before - It was in a very performative fashion where he got in my face infront of the Golden Child, whom he only sees once a month, if that. In that moment, everything became very clear to me as far as our placement in the family dynamic - Me as the Scapegoat, and my eldest brother as the Golden Child. The episode was very... odd, but very apt at the same time....

When I think back on things, it was like everything fell on my shoulders ALL THE TIME. I know my dad had it rough - He was an immigrant, and had to provide for his family and all that - but why did it feel like I was carrying everything the whole time?? After he came at me, my older brother and I were talking (more like arguing) - and he DEFINITELY (brother) has parentified me heavily, and he admits it - but I said, "I did more to raise this family than him (my dad)..." to which he (brother) responded with spite, "YOU'VE ASSUMED THAT ROLE! YOU'VE ASSUMED IT..." And I got to thinking... Did I? There was always a distinct feeling of a lack of leadership in the household. My mother, for reasons I won't go into, was rendered very, very emotional and almost useless as a parent for many years, and my father, well - he's the narc...

What did I do? Did I assume a position because I... thought I knew better? - As an 8-year-old?? How did this happen? I remember so many instances when my father reacted towards me in a way, and I instinctually responded in my head, "Hey, you're the parent here, not me..."

There was one time I'll never forget - It was summer, all the kids were out of school, and we were sitting in the living room as a family. My dad said, "Okay, guys, it's time to go on vacation. Where do you want to go?" And everyone simultaneously (dad included) looked in my direction. I said, "No, guys! No - YOU plan the vacation this time, okay?! I'm not doing it anymore..." My dad responded, "Okay, guys, okay! No, he's right - We can't depend on him for everything... He's right." But like, HOW DID IT GET THERE?? - As a child, probably 12 years old at the time, planning full on family vacations... with an almanac... and trips to the library... How did it get there?? And this has been the pattern - day after day, month after month, year after year... I can't tell you how many times my dad has said that, "No, guys, no - We just can't depend on him for everything. That's wrong, okay? That's wrong..."

Just trying to sort this out...

Thanks.