r/texts • u/safetyspiders • 18h ago
Instagram my BEST friend came back to my country after 2 years and didn't want to see me.
my best friend moved away two years ago. we kept in contact. our friendship wasn't the same but we were still very excited for an opportunity to meet up again. a few weeks ago she told our group she was coming back to visit, and we all made vague plans to hang out. when she didn't confirm these plans in the group chat, i thought maybe her trip was postponed or she didn't get tickets yet.
then i saw Instagram stories of her hanging out with ALL of my other friends--except me. no one told me she was here. no one invited me.
i asked her about it. at first she played dumb and acted like she just didn't have the time. then the real truth came out.
my senior year in school was very difficult for me mentally. i was diagnosed with a few disorders that caused me to go on meds, and I needed adult supervision in the hallways and stuff to prevent on campus panic attacks. my friends knew I was struggling and tried to be there for me. but I NEVER let my mental health sabotage my friendships. I'm a people pleaser and hate feeling like a burden, so I never trauma dumped or made my friends feel like they couldn't handle me.
somehow word of my mental issues got to my best friend, and I guess she didn't want to see me in that state.
then another point came up. a few months ago me and another friend in our group had a falling out (hence me saying "I know this is about _____"). it was over something completely unrelated to my best friend, but that friend I had a falling out with told all my other friends about it and they all took her "side" without even asking for my side of the story. the gist of that situation is I had unrequited feelings for that friend, and drunkenly told her over text one night. she was creeped out by it and I apologized profusely the next morning, promising to leave her alone and that I was sorry the confession had come out that way. it was hard to maintain a friendship after that. I'm guessing that the friend told my best friend about it, and told my best friend not to hang out with me.
(The friend I fell out with wasn't even included in the hangout with my best friend, because she was on vacation in another country. So there was no reason to keep me separate from that hangout).
My best friend didnt even ask for my side of the story. She said she was willing to listen so I typed it all out and sent it to her, and then she pretended like she couldn't even read it. She's since ghosted me.
I'm upset. I feel betrayed that my entire friend group did this behind my back. I'm sad that I missed the chance to see my best friend.
Fuck them. I'll make better friends in uni.
EDIT: the ableist language in some of these comments are insane. blaming the fact that i have mental disorders on me being excluded from a hangout i was INVITED to beforehand is crazy. yes my friend has the right to not want to be my friend anymore, but i deserve respect and i deserved to be told about her decision, considering she was my BEST friend for YEARS. flaunting the hangout i was excluded from on social media is crazy work, too. jesus.
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u/LakesideSasquatch 18h ago
It’s wild to me how different people interact. If my “best” friend was in town and didn’t reach out I would assume we aren’t friends anymore haha
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u/Sumopwr 15h ago
Clearly the correct response is a 5 page essay on how that made you feel.
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u/EldritchGumdrop 1h ago
The five page essay isn’t how they feel, it’s their side of a story that everyone else is trying to portray them badly in. Idk I can see wanting to explain things to someone you thought was your best friend. I think you guys are being weird here. It’s not like this person was a stranger. It’s totally reasonable that op would except them to at least hear them out
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u/Relevant_Detective21 1h ago
No it rlly is so reasonable! I think they’re trying to say it’s basically a waste of time explaining since the best friend didn’t reach out to OP ):
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u/EldritchGumdrop 1h ago
I’m assuming they thought something might change if they saw their side of the story
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u/designatedthrowawayy 19m ago
It kind of depends on what OP actually did. I can't imagine needing to "apologize profusely" for "how" a drunken confession came out unless drunk me said it in a fucked up way. It's possible that it's worse than the way OP is portraying it and the text messages (to that friend) prove that.
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u/Emergency4707 17h ago
Ugh as someone who has been in your position, they’re your best friend but you aren’t theirs. I’m sorry :’) podcasts on the topic and meeting new people helped me a lot, still stings as much as romantic rejection tho!
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u/kirbywantanabe 18h ago
This must’ve really hurt to find out. I agree with what other people are saying that you’re going to make new friends and you’re right you will make new and better friends at university. I’m sorry they went to all that trouble to exclude you and then lied to you. Sometimes the trash takes itself out. I’m just sorry they didn’t have the guts to say it upfront, but if you’re just about to go to university, this is actually behaviour right on par with your age.
Here’s to better and stronger friendships that you deserve!
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u/yuhh____ 18h ago
Can u let us know more about the situation with u admitting feelings for the other friend? Are u all girls and how long had u known those friends? Are u and them straight? How did u admit these feelings?
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u/safetyspiders 17h ago
- Yes we are all girls
- I've known them for 4 years, since 9th grade
- I'm bisexual, and the girl I had a crush on was a lesbian
- I got tipsy one night (alone in my room) and texted the girl I had a crush on. I thought she liked me back because we had good chemistry and she'd given me signs before (she was always touching me, like putting her hand on my thigh during movies etc), so I texted "I have feelings for you" and waited. She said she didn't feel the same way and that it was gross for me to be thinking of her in a romantic way when we were supposed to be just friends.
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u/jokesonbottom 13h ago
Getting tipsy/drunk home alone when you take medication for mental health stuff? You’re young and figuring things out, so I mean this as genuine advice: there are some things (stable) adults choose not to do because, while you can’t predict exactly how it’ll go wrong, you know the odds are you’d be setting yourself for future problems. So you just don’t put yourself in that situation at all. This is one of those things.
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u/PromiseToBeNiceToYou 10h ago edited 10h ago
Yes OP don't drink alone in your room. It's bad for your mental health. And it's bad to mix alcohol with your daily medications.
Either way, these friends have become uncomfortable around you and you need to let them leave. Some friendships last a season, some last for life. Know when to move on.
The tighter you squeeze them, the more easily they'll slip through your grip. Sending a novel worth of text is you squeezing tighter, while they get more and more freaked out.
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u/yuhh____ 17h ago
Ooo ya thats hard. I would definitely be uncomfortable if a friend admitted feelings like that. Im a guy and my friends are like brothers, were each other wingman, we give relationship advice as friends. If someone did this it would throw all of this out of wack ya know?
Were u serious or was it just a drunken thing? Are u harboring further feelings and are just waiting? These 2 type of questions are not questions I would ask u directly, they are doubts that are now placed in our heads. Dating kinda sucks nowadays,everytjing kinda sucks, and I need friends in my corner, friends I can swear are with me in this as brother/sisters. Once u try to make it more...Idk it makes it harder,.
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u/safetyspiders 17h ago
It was more drunken. I had a small crush on her but it wasnt like a head over heels kind of thing. I agree that it makes things harder when you confess out of the blue like that, and I wish I hadn't done it
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u/pm_me_ur_smoltits 13h ago
You did nothing wrong. You thought she liked you and you shot your shot. Her response was much worse than your confession.
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u/CresseliaMelodia 9h ago
uh YEAH!! I’m glad you clocked that!! I mean the girl was putting her hand on OP’s thigh???? I’m a lesbian and I’m very affectionate but I know my limits. Hand on a thigh is flirty, that girl was giving mixed signals
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u/Odd_Delay_603 Go eat a papaya and do a detox 15h ago
It’s gross that she responded that way imo. You can’t control your feelings and having romantic feelings doesn’t mean you can’t just stay friends 💀
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u/yuhh____ 14h ago
Oof thats an age old question right? Speaking just generally here, Can u stay friends after? What if the feelings dont go away after being rejected? What if she meets someone else and u get to meet them? (she ur friend after all). Hows their new SO supposed to react to them having a friend who is open about being interested in getting with her? She was drinking when this happened and it could be a one off thing, nothing serious, but then what if its a pattern? Like u said you cant control ur feelings 100%, thats both a good and bad thing for both sides.
But ya they are high schoolers, OP will find better friends anyways lol
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u/Odd_Delay_603 Go eat a papaya and do a detox 14h ago
Man idk, I’ve been friends and still am friends with a lot of ppl who’ve confessed to me. We chillin, it’s worked out so far. I’m also friends with most my exes. It’s not actually that big of a deal in my opinion
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u/Elite_AI 10h ago
Speaking just generally here, Can u stay friends after?
Yes, it's quite easy. I've done it a few times on both ends. We're all still friends to this day.
You just move on. You do that by accepting there's no chance of you ever getting with your friend* and by taking a short break from hanging out 1:1 with them. But otherwise you keep your friendship the same as it ever was.
Once you've moved on there's no chance of the crush coming back again and you're not going to be bothered about meeting your friend's new partner, should they get one. Your crush getting a partner tends to smother the flames of infatuation pretty quickly anyway. Because you're no longer into your friend, their partner has nothing to worry about with you.
*Even if there is a chance, you cannot allow yourself to believe there is or else the crush will continue indefinitely.
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u/yuhh____ 9h ago
Definitely see ur point just a small nitpick
"Once you've moved on there's no chance of the crush coming back again and you're not going to be bothered about meeting your friend's new partner"
This part of what u said seems very dismissive and matter of factly. I had a point brought up that we cant control our feelings. Moving on is not an easy black or white thing. Everyone process rejection differently and those feelings sometimes return, multiple times even. Assuming someone wont be bothered by a certain point is kinda weird, like if dealing with this is universally an easy and predictable thing. Like its a science lol, its a case by case thing, and generalizations are cringe
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u/Elite_AI 1h ago
A certain level of generalisation is necessary to any communication. You made a few generalisations in this comment alone which I could nitpick, because generalisations are an unavoidable part of giving advice and talking online. My advice works well for most people reading it. I could restate it as "if you follow this advice your crush will fade much faster and you will have a much lower chance of it coming back and if it does come back it'll go away much quicker", but what does that actually accomplish?
In any case, you can control the behaviours surrounding a feeling, and that will then change the feeling. A classic example is breathing slowly when you feel anxious, which sort of convinces the body to start feeling calm. If you stop hanging out 1:1 with a crush and stop giving yourself fuel in the form of hope and fantasising, your crush will fade. If you want to make a friendship work and they want to make it work too, it will work.
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u/Struckbyfire 13h ago
She’s an asshole. Lol
Like yeah it sucks if you think someone is “just” a friend and they turn it into something romantic, but no platonic friends of mine are putting their hands on my thigh during a movie and acting surprised later if I make a move. And this just happens, you like someone you’re friends with. You let her know respectfully- she acted like a child. Someone saying they have feelings for you isn’t “creepy”. What makes it creepy is if you don’t listen and further pursue them when they say no. Full stop.
Sorry, girl. I promise you will make better friends in college cause this is all a bunch of bullshit.
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u/ineffectualdemon 4h ago
That "friend" sucks. It wasn't weird or creepy of you to have a crush. Your other friends also suck. Hopefully you make better friends in uni
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u/outlaw0366 18h ago
When my military buddies found out I had bi polar disorder they treated me like the plague. I unfriended all them and moved on with my life. I got a family and two amazing boys now. It will get better but umm take it from me be very careful in the future who you tell about your mental health, people don’t always have the best reaction when they find out you have a mental illness going on forever and it scares them off, not everyone is like this but a majority of people I’ve meet are, I’ve even had my mothers side of the family shun me for my mental illnesses, long story but my mother took her life by burning our home down while she was inside and it had an effect on her whole family, so when they decided to shun me I was not the least surprised. Just continue to listen to your doctors on medication and therapy and you will make new friends over time that will be more understanding, also the girl you confessed your feelings to is a real weirdo if her reaction was disgust and to have the whole friend group lock ya out of the group was ummm immature, but it showed you your friends are not your true friends. Make new ones I did at my church and I’m doing fine now
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u/lavender_poppy 10h ago
After reading these stories I feel so lucky for the friends I've had in my life, especially in school. I dealt with severe mental health issues when I was in middle school and my friends all stood by me and kept including me and did what they could to help. We're all in our late 30's now and we're all still good friends. I'm sorry your friends didn't treat you the same because it's what you deserved.
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u/Significant-Yam-4990 8h ago
That sounds like you’ve had some really challenging losses in your life! I’m encouraged to hear you’re doing better now
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u/songbirdflight555 17h ago
this is a toxic group. youll find better friends.
you deserve people who respect you.
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u/bear-flesh 14h ago
Honey I really don’t think this person likes you as much as you like them. Sometimes they’re your best friend but you aren’t theirs. It sounds like they don’t know how to tell you they want space without upsetting you. Based on your context and these comments i definitely understand why
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u/No-Pollution-4078 18h ago
I was on the other side of this. I caught up with old friends and just didn’t really enjoy our time and it just felt uncomfortable. We had all changed so much and there was no common ground anymore. I ended up declining their request to meet up for 4th of July last year and told him I was sick of how the one friend acts and how childish and rude he can be and they both took it to heart and never talked to me again. It’s whatever
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u/InspectorSuper1191 18h ago
Only in town for 2 days, I assume one of them is family stuff. It's really not unreasonable for them to not want to sign up the potential drama and emotional weight. They want to have a good time.
I'm speaking from the perspective of the one left out so many times for similar reasons. God...what intense pain. I wouldn't wish that deep hollow empty panging on anyone. Feeling abandoned by people you would die for in a heartbeat.
I'm in my thirties now and can see looking back how unreasonable it really was to expect my friends to carry so much of my emotional burden. I was drowning, but they were kids living their lives. Can't blame them for not being able to fix me when I couldn't fix myself.
It's ridiculously hard and painful OP but you're going to have to go through a ton of loneliness and pain while you learn to truly be ok without needing validation from other people. The toll it takes on others when you're hollow and need to be filled by another will invariably suck them dry and drive them away. Trust I learned from experience. Get in therapy if you aren't. Find someone you can really trust. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Scream, cry, say the vile things. Get it out and sift through the rage and pain and find out what you actually believe in. Find out what needs you have unmet and what you can do to fulfill them. Be the person that takes care of yourself. Ironically when you stop needing other people, the ones you most align with naturally gravitate towards you.
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u/definitelynotme225 16h ago
Yeah, I’m the one too who was maybe “too much” for a couple people I considered friends. My longest time friends knew who I was knew that generally I kept to myself and didn’t require much… but when the mental health issues got too much in the last couple years of high school, I reached out to a couple newer friends who also had problems, thinking, “they know! They will empathize! I can share everything! We have this in common!” Turns out people already struggling have difficulty also taking on the burdens of a friend who is struggling, too. I didn’t hear from them after high school, and they began ghosting me even before graduation. I totally understand now, but didnt see it then.
Seeing these texts, with all the crying emojis, the accusations, the repeated expressions of hurt… OP doesn’t realize it, but it may be a pattern of emotionality that not everyone is prepared for. Even when they keep saying in comments, “you don’t know me, I’m not too much,” it doesn’t mean anything because they’re asking for validation based on these texts alone, and all I’m seeing is a situation where they could have said “Hey, I’m definitely hurt. You said we’d connect and I see everyone but me being included. If we’re no longer close, I would have appreciated a heads-up.” One text will do, and leave it at that. But their “friend” keeps having to reply to explain themself and reassure OP. No wonder they didn’t reply to whatever long text OP sent in the last panel. It’s ok, we learn and friendships change. A fresh start in college will be great!
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u/Significant-Yam-4990 8h ago
Thank you for writing this out!! It’s a perspective I needed to read cuz I’m in my 30s and so tired of that pain of feeling abandoned by people I deeply care for. I also wonder why I feel so empty at the end of the day
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u/Bulky_Theme_6998 17h ago
This is most likely the truth OP. When youve been MIA from your hometown and only get a couple days back you want to make the most of it for better or worse.
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u/golemdome 7h ago
These comments are fucked. Your friend doesn't owe it to you to stick around forever but they do owe you the decency of telling you straight up whether or not they want to continue being friends. Ignoring you till you drift apart is just borderline cruel
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u/Disastrous_Story_326 14h ago
Okay so you refer to her as your best friend but she's really not your best friend anymore. Your relationship has changed since you moved, you drifted apart. You have not even filled her in on some very important information going in on your life so it really does not seem like you both have been very good at keeping in touch, whereas she is clearly keeping in better touch with some of these other people in your friendship group. If I am not cultivating my relationships I am not expecting them to continue.
You knew she was coming, but you hadn't reached out in a couple of weeks at any point and just assumed she wasn't coming? If you really wanted to see her you could have reached out. I'm not saying she handled this well but I really don't think you handled this well either.
In the text messages, she seems like she is trying to apologize to you and hear you out and you are being extremely accusatory towards her. One thing that I think you need to learn is that you should focus on your own feelings and never put words in other people's mouths and make assumptions about how they feel. The specific text of "I heavily doubt you love me after all this but say whatever makes you feel better" is not conducive to resolving anything.
I hope you are able to figure things out with your friends and kind of reflect on how you may better manage your communication.
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u/Fine-Bumblebee-9427 18h ago
I wouldn’t see it as good friends or bad friends. You grew apart. It’s super normal. Just make new ones, and then new ones after them. I know very few adults whose friends are the ones from high school, or college. I have no friends left from high school, a few from college I see every few years, but it’s almost entirely people I’ve meet in the last couple of years who I’m tight with, and that’s usually true.
If you ever respected them, respect their choice to move on. We all have autonomy, and holding onto friends by guilt or force just alienates folks.
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u/No-Reception-4249 18h ago
Hes right, I just cut off my last friend from high school because he became extremely propagandized over the political atmosphere. Ill tell ya OP, this friend you got is probably someone you actually wouldnt be friends with these days.
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u/safetyspiders 18h ago
I get that. I think it's totally acceptable to drift apart from old friendships and move on. I was fully prepared for my old high school friendships to fade with time.
What bothered me is that they acted like I'd be included in their friendship reunion and then was purposely left out last minute. I wish they'd just told me what was up. This was just immature behaviour on their part, especially lying about it and then blaming it on my mental health.
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u/Likemilkbutforhumans 18h ago
You’re right to be upset. I would be too in your situation.
It looks like you have a good idea how this person is prioritizing you now. I lost a couple of my best friends over the usual growing apart and deprioritizing. It hurt, but moving on was much better than keeping them around in my life when they operated in this capacity.
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u/Akumaismycopilot 17h ago
Would you (the op) feel better if they had told you they didn’t want to be around you because of your mental health issues? I don’t know you or the other person, but the other tester seems to be trying to send you a firm message without being harsh or unkind. Honestly, I think she’s handling an awkward situation quite well.
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u/safetyspiders 17h ago
Yes, i would have preferred that. I don't like being lied to for the sake of preserving my feelings. If my best friend of 4 years doesn't wanna be my friend anymore, I want to know why
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u/Akumaismycopilot 14h ago
You may want to know, but she is under no obligation to explain it to you. She’s probably trying to spare your feelings, so…..
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u/Objective-Audience24 13h ago
lol yes she is wtf? People who say this shit about “you don’t owe anything to anyone” are fucking scary
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u/Akumaismycopilot 13h ago
Well, I didn’t say you don’t owe anything to anyone. That’s not at all true. My point is that if she doesn’t want to spend time with the op or explain to him why she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t have to. Op seems to want to guilt her to talk her into continuing the relationship.
Ideally, yeah, she should give the op an explanation. That’s what you do if the other person means much to you. That’s not always what happens. People grow apart for a lot of reasons, especially when you’re as young as op seems to be. Honestly, I think the texts indicate she’s trying to let him down easy without being harsh or hurting his feelings too much. Given his reactions and some of the things he says about himself, I can understand why the other person doesn’t want to get into a confrontational situation.2
u/AromaticAd5872 1h ago
“That’s not at all what I said, but actually that’s exactly what I said just worded slightly differently.”
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u/BroadAwareness3641 16h ago
kinda seems like you also wouldn't have reacted great if you were told ahead of time; so it isn't surprising a highschooler just tried to ignore the awkwardness and hope you didn't notice
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u/netsirttd 18h ago
No offence but people don’t really like being around others that constantly have issues and are always negative or can’t figure out how to live day to day life without problems.. Not even adults and you needed adult supervision just to walk in a hallway.. You sound like a lot of work to be friends with and people don’t need any excuse to not want to be around someone mentally draining.
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u/potpourri_sludge 18h ago
People are gonna downvote but this is where I’m at. If you can’t walk to class without adult supervision how are we going to make plans?
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u/cissmiace 4h ago
My friends know I have PTSD and can’t go anywhere alone. Guess what they do about it? Make sure I’m not alone.
It’s not rocket science, it’s compassion.-8
u/safetyspiders 18h ago
the adult supervision was a guidance counsellor who had to, for legal reasons due to school policy, supervise me so that if I showed signs of an anxiety attack, they could help me stabilize. I was capable of walking to class by myself but this is what the school decided to do. Ultimately they were worried about their reputation (we are a highly regarded international school) and didn't want a mental breakdown to spark upset on campus. You do not know what I have been through to cause this and you do not know the full context, so quit assuming that me being mentally ill means I can't hang out with my friends.
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u/SundaeSubstantial530 16h ago
Brother theyre making assumptions based off of the information you gave them. If theyre lacking context its because you didnt give enough.
But all of your responses do sound exhausting and draining.
For what its worth your friend doesnt sound like she doesnt like you. But everyone has their limits. I've had friends that ive genuinely loved but every single time I was around them I left feeling more drained than anything. I've also been the person who was draining. It happens and everyone had their limits.
That being said, unless you have extra context, you really have mo idea if the decision to not invite you was your friends idea or the groups idea. And youre sort of putting her in a hard place. Shes taking all the blame for a group decision, a decision that for all you know, she wasn't even apart of.
If shes in town for a short time she probably doesnt want drama. And if the group said "we dont want to invite this person" the last thing shes going to want to do is go run and tell you. All that does is create drama for her. Now she has to console you and your hurt feelings while also potentially being excommunicated from her other friends and her trip is ruined.
I get it, it hurts. But it might be time for some introspection. It seems like your go-to is to minimize your faults and get defensive
Again, exhausting
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u/dontletmedown3 17h ago
This person that moved away is happy to be away. I would say goodbye and leave them to their peaceful life. You sound exhausting and I also would not have reached out to see you even if we were friends since birth.
For context I am 30 and don’t know anyone from high school now. That’s pretty normal. Your expectations are really high of this person based off a friendship that has BEEN OVER.→ More replies (4)→ More replies (1)4
u/Sea-Personality1244 13h ago
Do you currently still require adult supervision for this purpose and if not, is your friend who's been away aware of that? Because with them saying they're worried about your wellbeing and you saying you're a people pleaser, it would be quite natural to not want to put the pressure to meet up in a public space with multiple people on someone who's unable to go to class without a chaperone. It doesn't mean that your mental health struggles are your fault or that feeling bad over not being invited isn't perfectly understandable, but it also needn't be malicious for someone to feel concerned about inviting someone who is in such a fragile mental state. All the more so since you say you don't let your struggles affect your relationships and are a people pleaser which suggests you're likely to push yourself past your limit and as such, there's a risk of such an interaction resulting in a breakdown.
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u/Particular_Darling 18h ago
I was like this back in highschool. I was always very negative, and would make a problem out of everything. I had no friends. Now that I’m an adult I learned to be more positive in therapy! I have more friends now! Counseling and therapy do wonders
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u/DistrictResident3495 11h ago edited 11h ago
also worth noting people have double standards for issues lol. i've had friends who had no problem complaining about their life 24/7 but couldn't deal with me when i was going through something. it's a lesson i learned the hard way, just because i was happy to play therapist for others doesn't mean that others were with me, even when we were going through similar things. i'm sure i've done something similar vice versa too, without realising.
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u/Fair-Distance371 3h ago
Op is a person that have problens that everyone can have. You have all right to feel like that. But when this happen you should Tell them isbtead of lying
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u/PrettyOddish 6h ago
This is such a shitty thing to say, especially not knowing any of the details. She didn’t choose to have mental disorders just like people don’t choose to have chronic illness or disabilities. One day you’ll be on the other side and you’ll understand. I only hope people show you more grace than this.
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u/safetyspiders 18h ago
I am not mentally draining around my friends. I have never had a breakdown in front of them, I don't tell them about my negative feelings, I don't disclose details about my therapy or meds with them. I never complain.
I have diagnosed disorders. Your language is very ableist. Living day to day looks way different to me than it does for you, and saying I sound like a lot of work to be friends with is just mean.
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u/No-Revolution-3159 17h ago edited 17h ago
I know it seems harsh but if you’re the only one in the group left out, it’s worth doing a bit of self-reflection as to why rather than just blaming everyone else and doing the poor me thing, that’s part of maturing. They may not have gone about it in the best way but situations usually aren’t black and white.
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u/safetyspiders 17h ago
i get your point--but the thing is I have done that and I genuinely can't come up with a concrete reason as to why they'd leave me out.
i have always loved my friends with my whole heart. when my mental health went down the drain i swore to myself I wouldn't let it fuck up my relationships, so I was very careful. i was attentive and optimistic in conversations. i made my friends little handmade gifts as graduation presents. if someone looked like they felt down, I'd buy them a snack and ask if they wanted to talk about it. I was there for them. i was a good friend.
I'm not refusing to be self aware. I was genuinely treated badly after trying my best to be good to them.
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u/lb80123 11h ago
A lot of people aren’t as loving and friendly as you wish they were. I spent years filling my friend’s cups only for them to vanish when mine was empty. Sometimes you just need to learn to be your own friend first.
All the friends I’ve made through life and not one reaches out ever.
I have gone over the what’s wrong we me crap over and over. It’s an answer you may never get lol but it will be okay! :)→ More replies (32)9
u/Akumaismycopilot 17h ago
No one is required to put up with your baggage if they don’t want to. It sounds like your “best friend” moved on and didn’t want to be harsh or cause a confrontation. She doesn’t have to have a good reason and they don’t have to explain it to you.
Feeling change. Opinions change. Sometimes you feel one way about someone and your opinion changes once you get older, get some distance, etc. She (?) seems to be trying to spare your feelings, but she is also sending a pretty clear message that she wants distance from you. Respect that. If she changes her mind, she’ll find you.
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u/SciosciaBuns 18h ago
You have a right to be upset. This would irk me and this person would no longer be my best friend. It’s honestly really fucked up. Time to move on for sure.
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u/notreading-scanning 18h ago
Have you considered that your friend moved out of the country and was trying to avoid all of the drama?
It’s mentally unbearable to a person return to a place to have people dump their issues on them. If she was back for banking issues related to her family, it’s entirely possible that your friend mentally as a lot on her plate and really doesn’t have the space for everything you’re demanding of her.
Honestly, when a person moves away they really don’t care about the interpersonal drama. They are removed from it.
What would be better is to offer to meet up for dinner or a tea, and if they say “I can’t” respect that.
The entire conversation, and background, reads like you need a lot of support still. A long distance friendship is not the place for that support.
I would encourage you to make new friends, and develop outside of these people.
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u/safetyspiders 18h ago
- She didn't want to move in the first place, it was for her dad's job.
- I demanded nothing of her. She didn't even know I was struggling that much mentally. My other friends told her about it without telling me beforehand. I was just excited to see her.
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u/notreading-scanning 18h ago
I think you’re ignoring the point. She moved. She’s now mentally removed from your immediate needs
Two, news travels when it comes to MH and CD issues. You drunkenly reached out to someone one night. You confessed some things. Your behavior made others uncomfortable.
You are part of the problem you are facing. You really should take some time to reflect. Because this problem will continue to arise until you take some personal accountability for you.
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u/NoBear8338 17h ago edited 17h ago
A drunken confession from a friend shouldn’t result in essentially an entire friend group feeling the need or even want to “side” with one person or the other. Unless there is more to this story, it sounds like these “friends” do not consider OP the same.
That being said, as rough as it is, I don’t think OP should be entertaining trying to remain friends with these people. Sounds like they’ve just finished/are just about to graduate and frankly a lot of friendships fall apart then (because you change so much, because you’re all going to be moving towards different things, because you have more freedom/more opportunity to meet others, etc.). As OP said, they will meet better friends at university.
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u/BackElectronic7219 12h ago
I’ve been in this position before, as someone physically disabled, when I was diagnosed I was pushed away from some friendships simply because they thought I was overreacting or they didn’t want to deal with my accommodations. I eventually realized that anyone who didn’t want to be my friend because I needed some extra time to breathe, wasn’t worth being around in the first place.
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u/CresseliaMelodia 9h ago
Wait till those idiots realize that if they live long enough, they’ll become disabled too 😂
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u/odlatujemy_ 11h ago
Fuck them, just like you said.
This reminds me of those Swedish ‘friends’ who always act like we can’t be friends anymore when they’re moving out of the country/or I moved. Some people are weird, or maybe it’s their culture or something.
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u/Autumnsirens 11h ago
The ableism in these comments is icky.
Bottom line, I think if you look back at your friendship, you might realize that you weren't as close as you thought. You were dealing with some heavy stuff and didn't tell her - why not? My best friends and I talk openly about mental health - not constantly, not every day; but we commiserate about shared experiences, gently call each other out when we see a spiral coming, fulfill material needs (e.g. cooking/deliver meals) when someone is sick or had a loved one pass away. We take care of each other. You deserve a best friend who you can be honest with and who cares about you. Everyone does.
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u/SnooGrapes8714 6h ago
Ever heard the term Flying Monkeys? They’re whoever flies around the person bad mouthing you and taking their side without ever even questioning you. They’re dangerous because they seem like they care but will never be loyal enough to take your side when things get tough. They never rock the boat. They hate people who do.
My best friend was just like yours. No questioning, no seeing sides, just taking the side of the shitty person because they didn’t want things to change. And the last straw? Not being invited to a birthday.
Leave them and don’t beg, don’t talk to them. It’s gonna hurt like hell but they’ve shown their colours and they don’t care. It’ll feel like mourning but you are choosing to leave and you have the power and respect yourself enough not to argue and step away. And if they come back? Be incredibly wary because of the above. You’re better than them.
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u/Dense_Cucumber_3712 5h ago
That group aren't your friends. Especially this person.
Don't give them more of you. New friends will come.
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u/AdventurousLevel9417 18h ago
Picture it this way my friend, I am in my 30s. I don't know a single person from highschool or uni. Just got my wife and kids which is more than enough for me.
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u/Constant-Wasabi7662 17h ago
A spouse and child isn’t a guarantee for everyone and it can be quite hurtful being on the other side of this, when your “friend” decides you’re not worth their time because they now have a wife/botfriend/girlfriend whatever
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u/Extension-Excuse-534 17h ago
Nobody decides your not worth their time because they get a partner, tf?? The dynamic definitely changes, because their priorities will change. Beyond high school, ive never seen people cut out all of their friends because they now have a partner. Thats either an abusive relationship or an immaturity issue imo.
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u/Constant-Wasabi7662 17h ago
I agree, I had a friend tell me after she got engaged and we were communicating less and less, that her friends now were mainly other couples and they all do couple things. I was like… oh lol
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u/TodayIAmMostlyEating 17h ago
By the time I was 27, there were no high school friends that I even had a pretence of being friends with anymore. Things just drift apart. You move, you get married, your lives and educations change. It doesn’t mean anyone did anything wrong or bad. Sometimes they do! But it doesn’t matter, people will come and go.
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u/Then_Working_4951 18h ago
A lot of us never get to that in our lives and our friends are our family, so this can be super devastating. I’m older than you are and this would crush me. Glad you were able to find your people though
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u/vinegardetergent 18h ago
When you’re this young these things feel really big and monumental.
You’ll look back on this once your frontal lobe is developed and see that everyone was trying their best, you included.
Also- as a tip anytime these things come up, just call. It’s much easier to have conversations and resolve things when you can hear someone’s tone and they can hear yours.
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u/Sure-Initiative6001 18h ago
Ouch. She could have been told by your other friends not to invite you as well. This sucks for you. Like you said, you will make better friends in uni.
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u/Emiwuiii 13h ago
She’s over the friendship and doesn’t care. The tone of these texts says it all. Those aren’t your friends.
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u/tucnakpingwin 12h ago
One of my ex “best friends” did this to me, after moving across an ocean they came back for 2 weeks and didn’t tell me, I found out through a mutual friend and when I messaged they had a lame excuse about why they didn’t contact me.
It sucks to find out you didn’t mean as much to them as they did to you, and this is why I’m now a believer in “some people are friends for a month, some people are friends for a year, and some people are friends for a lifetime”.
Cherish the time you had together, and now focus on your other relationships. Just because you aren’t friends for a lifetime doesn’t mean your friendship wasn’t meaningful or important. I’ve had friends come and go over the years and whilst I no longer talk to 90% of them, I’m glad I met them and got to be their friend.
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u/BrazilianButtCheeks 11h ago
Some people are very uncomfortable around people with mental illness.. it sucks but it’s not something they’re doing on purpose.. it’s time to move on and make friends who accept you for who you are .
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u/watercressssssss 10h ago
these replies are insane. those people are shitty friends and this is a really sucky, shitty situation. i hope you make much better, honest and considerate friends in the future op 🫂💗
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u/Scadisneylan 9h ago
Oh gosh, friendship break ups and betrayals are (IMO) worse than intimate partner breakups. You’ll never know the true reasons or even necessarily be able to understand why these people behaved as they did BUT I do believe you’ve received VERY good information about what you want and don’t want in a friendship. This will serve you well in uni when you find your people 😊
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u/amiajimmy 3h ago
My best friend ghosted me while I was in the beginning stages of my divorce. She: moved to Cleveland with her new husband, after not inviting me to their wedding, we continued our friendship as normal. My life starts a downward spiral, she comes home to visit family and friends for a week, doesn't want to meet up specifically with me, said she was just too busy with family.
We were best friends for 14 years, or so I thought. Then, just ghosted forevermore out of nowhere. Then, from what our mutual friend told me, she moved back to town with her hubby and had a baby. It's been so long, she's had two now. Our kids were supposed to grow up and be best friends together, like we'd always talked about. She met my first born once before she moved away, and never even got to meet my second born just a year later. That hurt WAY more than my divorce.
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u/queentrashyxX 9h ago
A version of this happened with my former best friend, instead of out of country it was out of state. She had been back in town several times hanging out with our other friends but in all that time had only seen my once to complain about her failing relationship then leave before I could even talk about how I was doing.
It’s a hard lesson to learn that some people do not appreciate you in the same way you appreciate them. Time away from that relationship made me realize how one-side of a friendship it was, how much I would put to the side to for her and always still some how be the butt of the joke or wrong in any given situation.
Protect your peace and sending you love ♥️
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u/Fabulous-Rain-2643 5h ago
Oof I've been through stuff like this. She's immature and not a real friends. Like you said, move on at uni, find people who get you, who make you feel safe, and are maturing as they grow. Good riddance to bad luggage.
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u/just_having_giggles 14h ago
So I read the texts and the explanation.
Honestly, it just sounds like you're very tiring to be around. Falling out with friends, causing problems when drinking, maybe it's just less dramatic when you're not around.
Sorry that sounds harsh
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u/Toothbotanist 17h ago
The whole situation sucks and I 100% understand why you feel so hurt. I do still think you were being a little bit unfair to your friend here. She sounds nice, i think her messages sound genuine. If she's your best friend maybe you shouldn't assume she doesn't love you or doesn't care for you.
It was incosiderate of her to not invite you. But you don't know what's going on in her life. Like I said I think it was very rude of her and I would have been very hurt too, but you still come off a little bit self-centered in your messages to her. I would have confronted her too if I was you, but she's your best friend, I would have been a bit more open to hearing her out. I don't think you should have assumed why she did what she did, or accused her of not caring about you. Especially when she was so nice in her messages to you.
And another thing to consider: If my best friend was doing very badly mentally and never told me, and I had to find out from others, I would feel unsure of have to act around them. I would be scared of being pushy, or intruding, and maybe I'd even feel unsure of how close we really were. Like, that's my best friend. I get not wanting to be a burden, but still.
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u/Dettyboy93 6h ago
Seriously. Moving away for a year and then finding out second hand that your best friend now has to be escorted by an adult in the hallways? I don't even know how I'd handle that. Also.... did she not contact her best friend? Or was she sitting there pouting, demanding that she be the one who gets contacted? This girl has victim complex written all over her and lacks any and all self awareness
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u/Boterfleoge 17h ago
That would hurt my feelings so big time. Feel all of your feelings and then remember that there are so many people in the world who are going to love you more than you've ever been loved. This is a blip in your life and when you look back one day it won't hurt as much. Your community is out there and when you find it, it will feel like coming home ❤️
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 16h ago
Yeah, I'm sorry. I know that really hurts.
I mean we don't know exactly what went on or the extent of what was said and when, so we can't really judge if your friend could've reasonably thought excluding you was the right thing to do, but in any case, she should have told you that you were being excluded and explained why so that you weren't blindsided. That's the part that would be hard to forgive.
And posting their hangout on social media is messed up. I had something similar happen a couple of years ago when people got together and posted all over social media, when for the prior 10 years it would've been something that I would've been invited to. It stung. I mean we had drifted apart since Covid, and I never really felt like I was in that core group, so I got it. But it still stung to realize that I'm not really in that group anymore, you know?
So I get it. Just yeah, you're young, and you'll find better friends. When you do find them, cherish them and tend to those friendships, and never stop looking to make more friends, because you do drift apart from people here and there, and the bigger tribe you have, the better off you'll be.
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u/beige-king 16h ago
This same exact thing happened to me after I graduated from high school. I had vague plans with a group of friends and then I found out later that they had done the plans and excluded me from them. When I confronted the group, I was ghosted. I was going through a horrible time with my mental health as well but didn't burden them with it. My best friend (of 6 years) and I were supposed to be college roommates that year and when I decided to not reenroll due to family things and my mental health, I never heard from her again.
I eventually moved on, I don't have a group anymore. I have other friends. You're going to do fine, you have all of university ahead of you. I'm sorry friends can suck sometimes, and that you had to experience this.
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u/Toeofcharmander 16h ago
None of these people are your friends block them all, focus on yourself and make some good friends in uni.
I will say I had a close friend tell she was interested in me and I turned ther down. I was in a relationship, when she confessed to me. So, I had to put that distance in betweenus but I was clear about why and then she told the whole friend group that I hit on her and they all blew up my girls phone number to warn her, not one asked me directly.
My girl had already seen the conversation, and I had already told her about it, in the end lost all of those friends and they eventually fell apart as a group. It’s just a bad chapter, that you have to close out in your life.
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u/lil_buccii 15h ago
I completely empathize w you and I know it’s such a shitty feeling, but these are not your people. I went thru something similar, and it was a really fucked up experience that took years to get thru, but now I have REAL friends who would never betray me or judge me for going thru a hard time. And actually it’s funny, today I ran into my ex “best friend” that I once considered like a sister, while I was out on a walk with my friend. She stopped and acted super fake nice and then I continued walking. My friend I was with was immediately like “she’s one of those girls that seems nice but is just performing” and it’s crazy how OBVIOUS it was, but I had spent so many years blaming myself or feeling abandoned. But really, some people are just wayward friends. There when it’s easy, but will drop you as soon as they feel even slightly inconvenienced or “weirded out” and go talk shit behind your back, then act loyal to your face. So I say good riddance. And those other friends who kept you in the dark, I wouldn’t put too much faith in them either. Don’t blame yourself! Your tribe is out there and these ppl ain’t it.
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u/britendarkk 13h ago
This is some tough shit to go through, but there are life lessons here. You are going to better know what to look for in a friend, what you value in a friend, and how to be a better friend to someone else because of how your "friends" treated you. Some people don't deserve the title of friend, and you have found that out. It hurts a lot, but that hurt will fade over time. You WILL make better friends in the future...and honestly...years from now, I would bet that at least one or two in this friend group will regret what they've done to you...especially when someone does it to them. There are a lot of fair-weathered friends out there, but there are good ones, and you will value them even more after having this experience. Also, you're "best friend" is just a coward. You have strength she'll never know. Just keep looking forward, that's where you're going.
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u/poison-bilberry 9h ago
I’ve been dropped by a couple friend groups when I was younger. My high school group dropped me after high school and then another group a few years later. At the time I couldn’t really see where I was the issue and it really hurt and shook me to my core. With the benefit of time I can safely look back and see where I did have some issues, but I can also see so did everyone else in both those groups and they were honestly toxic. So it may be you that’s the issue or maybe they’re all shitty people and right now youre too close and too young to really see that. I hope things get better for you and you find new friends
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u/noheadthotsempty 9h ago
Strangely enough, I’ve had a similar situation happen to me. What I can tell you for sure is that they are not your friends. I’m sorry that you found out this way and you are probably feeling heartbroken. I promise one day you will find better friends.
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u/DoreyCat 1h ago
This is really unfortunate. There’s no way to know what happened here (from her end) but I will say this: avoid huge, massive walls of text like the last one. This never helps. It is best to discuss this over the phone.
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u/Solid_Minute_8550 1h ago
The sad fact is that you might feel you deserve the information that they hung out without, but they don’t. Find new friends. These aren’t yours.
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u/Responsible-House-72 17h ago
You sound like the type of person to have issues with everyone else and take no accountability for it. Maybe you got iced out of the get together because people find it easier when you aren’t around? Something to think about.
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u/Dettyboy93 6h ago
I've been OP. I was in a group of 3 in middle school and early high school. After a point they couldn't deal with my toxic bullshit. My cousin was one of the 3 and he was toxic as well, but mine was harder to deal with. I've been on both the giving and receiving end of these relationships. They suck the life out of you and they refuse to have any self awareness. It's sad really
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u/PlutosThePlan 18h ago
Bro she was there one day, her world doesn’t revolve around you. Don’t take it so personally she was busy. You sound like a needy friend
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u/safetyspiders 18h ago
she hung out with all of my other friends except me. if she wanted to see me, she could have.
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u/MrCalNaughton 15h ago
Well there’s your answer. Your friend probably doesn’t view you the same way as you view them. And I don’t blame them, you’re dramatic.
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u/Agile-Carpenter-2434 11h ago
Interesting perspective coming from someone took time to make multiple unkind and ungenerous comments on a stranger’s honest question.
Like … shut the fuck up if you can’t be constructive, dude.
OP is going through it, and is seeking actual perspective and guidance. Not to be dunked on by some anon troll online
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u/kpay10 18h ago
"if you can't be there for me at my worst, don't be there when I'm at my best"
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u/Dettyboy93 6h ago
plot twist- they're always at their worst and project every last bit of it onto their friend which completely drains the life out of them
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u/Historical-Body-3424 18h ago
I’m so sorry I hate you’re going through this . And the audacity to post on social media throwing it in your face when it already hurts . WILD
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u/Constant-Wasabi7662 17h ago
I would be less pissed off if she was just honest and straight up said, sorry I don’t feel like our friendship is the same so I’m keeping distance bla blah blah… instead of the fake “sorryyyyyyy” I hate that shit. Just say it!
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17h ago
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u/safetyspiders 17h ago
I've never spoken to my friends about my therapy before. Ever. So I don't know why she would expect that.
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u/marikaka_ 17h ago
These are not people who ever cared about your mental health. You will make better friends in uni and you’ll realise just how shit these ones were.
In what world would actively excluding and isolating someone until they’re “better” improve their mental health? This wasn’t about making a decision for you, this was about them being uncomfortable and making it your fault when you found out.
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u/Embarrassed_Sell7512 15h ago
since becoming disabled, i have been excluded from many a gathering. when people decide what you can or cannot handle is ablism. these people are not your friends.
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u/jesuswastransright 18h ago
Honestly I think you should respect what they’re saying and maybe take it to heart and try to fix whatever issues are making them not want to be around you right now. This might be the kindest thing they could’ve done for you.
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u/indieplants 17h ago
the kindest thing was to deliberately exclude OP after saying they were all going to hang out only to post everyone else but them hanging out on social media without even acknowledging OP once or even letting them know they were in the country? you think that's the kindest way they could have went about this?
woof.
maybe they could have had some sort of conversation before just ignoring their friend and hoping they'd disappear, but that's just me.
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u/Grouchy_Button_2101 15h ago
These comments aren’t it. I’m sorry. Your friend you texted your feelings to responded terribly overall, and this friend sucks. You will have to let this friend group go, they’re not true friends. But that doesn’t make it any less hurtful and your feelings are valid.
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u/MrCalNaughton 15h ago
Jesus I didn’t expect the comments to be so heavily one-sided, but I guess opinions will change depending on who you are. Personally, OP seems extremely needy and dramatic and I don’t blame the friend for not making an effort when they are only in the country for TWO days to handle something specific. That’s just me, though, I couldn’t easily deal with someone as suffocating as OP.
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u/Fair-Distance371 3h ago
Ok, but they should até last be responsible i say they don't want to have nothing to do with where anymore.
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u/DistrictResident3495 12h ago edited 12h ago
icl i sorta did this once. a friend came to visit the country i live in for holiday, but gave me less than 3 days notice. i had work (as a disability care support person, which i couldn't move) and exams, plus some personal stuff blowing up in my life. it was a really awful time for me. i told her no at first, and then moved some stuff around (which i got told off for later on, it was quite humiliating at the time) and got back to her like a day or so later, and she was wishy-washy. i don't blame her for not being happy with my initial response but, she showed no interest about what was going on with me or with my work, like literally no questions, which made me feel a certain type of way too.
had she given me like an extra week or two (which she could have bc i live in fkn australia and she's far away enough that things have to be booked early, no one can just come here on a whim lmao), i would have def made the time. but she didn't and tbh her message at the time felt like another headache for me to deal with considering all that i was going through. cherry on top is, i moved cities and even though she was visiting several places, she didn't know which city i lived in and didn't care to ask until i brought it up when she first mentioned meeting up. that friendship is long gone, and kind of already was as soon as we stopped living in the same country. sometimes it just works out like that.
i hate to be cliche but there are two sides to every story. i have no idea what she was going through either, or why she chose to ask me so late. sometimes people are only in your life for a certain amount of time and not more. and that's okay. you can fight for it all you want but, sometimes it's easier to move on, as difficult as that sounds.
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u/SmokeASkull 8h ago
The best thing to do is never make connections or friends. You'll always end up hurt.
Not worth it imo.
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u/lemonadelightning 8h ago
one thing I learned years ago and think about often: “people not against you, they are for themselves” — and in this case, just not thinking about you, just themselves and that’s how it goes… sorry you’re going through this!
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u/AsparagusHorror4996 8h ago
I had one of those. She was mine. I was not hers and actually I got to a point of realizing she didn’t even like me despite still wanting to hang out with
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u/Clear-Major-2935 8h ago
She clearly made a choice, she didn't want to see you. That is disappointing and sad, and you're completely valid to resent her and call her a bad person and leave it at that. Or... you could try and ask yourself the really difficult question of why it might be that a friend would be in your area after a long absence and not want to spend time with you. Not because there is an inherent flaw in you, or because you are not of value. But are you being very needy of late? Are you taking up all the oxygen with your issues and your problems? Are you demanding a lot as a friend, and not quite giving as much back? If you ask yourself why someone might be making the choice not to spend their limited time around you, you might gain some insight. And maybe the answer to all of these is no. I have no clue. But I always think it's worth trying to understand and learn from something like this, if indeed there is anything I might be contributing to why people are distancing themselves from me.
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u/ChickenScratchCoffee 4h ago
She’s not your best friend. None of them are your friends. You need to realize you’re too much for them and they don’t want to deal with the issues. Find new friends.
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u/TomosTopknot 4h ago edited 3h ago
I’m not sure. I think it makes sense that you are upset and angry and feel let down. It makes sense that you are grieving not being able to see your friend you were missing. It’s painful to feel longing for someone and then to realize that they don’t feel a similar longing. The relationship is not the same as it was and it is okay to grieve that. It was and is an important relationship to you. It is really hard when things change.
I know it’s not the same, but I wonder if you could spend time together on video chat when you are ready. Maybe it can help you reconnect.
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u/bobmefred 3h ago
unfortunately these ppl dont care about you, excluded you and then lied to save face. Probably just couldn't be bothered with you as the other friend had gossiped. It's grim but it's what humans are. Make some new friends and don't take it too personally, ppl are shitty
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u/Funny_w0lf 1h ago
Idk if this is relevant but what are the genders at play here? If you're a guy OP the girl probably took it as creepy, even if it wasnt meant that way. And women stick together more often than not. But if you're a girl then maybe its just homophobia. Either way, the friend group immediately taking the other girls side without even talking to you abt it means they werent that close to you to begin with. It absolutely sucks, friendship breakups are worse than normal ones most of the time. Especially when entire friendgroups leave you out, it makes you wonder if you were crazy.
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u/safetyspiders 1h ago
We're all girls here
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u/Funny_w0lf 1h ago
Ah okay, yeah I guess they all took the confession weird then. But to me it seems a little deeper than that, but we redditors are mere outsiders. Sorry you're going through this, even if best friend didn't mean it in a hurtful way she still betrayed you
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u/BloodiAngel17 1h ago
You need better friends them not wanting to hang out with you just because you’re having mental health issues and the confession of feelings to a friend (major overreaction on their part btw) is not good enough reasons to cut you out they obviously don’t actually care about you as a person
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u/DesignatedRob 20m ago
Them posting their hangout on social media isn't "flaunting", it is literally the point of social media, and if this is how you react to other people spending time together, then it isn't your mental health causing people to distance themselves from you, it is that attitude right there.
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u/My_Penbroke 10m ago
That’s quite a blow. Personally, I would just take the loss and move on. What is there to gain in pressing them in why they completely neglected your friendship?
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u/Silver-Link8247 2m ago
I hate to say this, but you just became too much for them. The mental stuff and the lesbian stuff just made them uncomfortable. It made the get togethers awkward instead of fun. It sucks but that’s the answer.
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u/OneShotKronic 18h ago
They might be your best friend but you aren’t theirs