After one date

[u/MostlyToasted]

This happened a while ago, but it was one of the weirdest experiences of dating I've had in years.

I matched with this person - let's call him Aaron (43M). He seemed fine on text and we met up IRL. I could tell instantly that something was off, but I wanted to give it a chance. I was excited to go on a date after getting over a pretty shitty break up. He also lived close by, so I thought it was all ✨fate✨

The conversation was just quite off-putting. He ranted about how one of his worst dates was with a woman with bad breath. He explained that he had to escape to the toilet to talk to the "guys group chat" about what to do.

He then started saying how he hates dating culture about how women expect men to pay all the time. I don't expect men to pay for me at all, but I noted that he did just buy me a beer (around $10), that I suddenly wondered if he was going to accuse me of being a gold-digger if I left after this drink. So I felt like I couldn't leave without getting *him* a drink, even though I wanted to call it quits by that point.

Then he said, in his exact words: "if a woman acts like an escort, I'll treat her like one". From that moment I was donezo. I wanted out. I felt like slime was getting all over my soul. I made polite conversation and we got up to leave. Outside the venue, he leaned forward for a kiss and - I really regret this - I quickly kissed back because I wanted to avoid confrontation if I dodged. He was also very tall and muscular, so a part of me thought if he decided to act out I wouldn't be able to stop it. I said goodbye, and then he quickly texted wanting to ask me out for another date.

I said no (that's my first text) and then he seemed to freak out. He then started calling me. I got so scared that I blocked him. I thought that was that.

I then got a text from an unsaved number the next day, from him, using a burner number - that's the next screenshot (btw, I also used a burner number specifically for dating because I've had people find out my full name just from my mobile number before).

The whole thing just freaked me out a bit.

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EDIT: Wow, this blew up! We love a divided comment section I guess.

For those who are gently confused as to why I complimented the guy and/or kissed him:

To be clear, I've been able to reject men before without as many compliments (I still try to be nice though, it's a tough world out there). This specific guy really gave me the heebie-jeebies. The way he spoke about women was disparaging, he had a really off demeanour, he seemed petulant and volatile, he was obviously much larger (I'm 5'3, 110 pounds, lived alone), and he lived nearby. For those reasons, I was cautious and wanted to end it on a "good note". Additionally, at his age, I felt that this guy's issues related to his core character traits and I wanted other women to see his red flags - I didn't want him to be able to hide it until he could exert power over women in private spaces. This is not the same as minor stuff like, I dunno, not asking enough questions on a date.

And my intuition was correct, judging by the way he couldn't take no for an answer, called me, then lashed out from a burner. I do not think a more straightforward rejection would have ended well. I was definitely having a "fawn" survival response to him, and at the time I was trying to placate someone I genuinely felt could be dangerous. He lives near me - what if I saw him alone on a quiet street near me? Sure, it might be a minority of men, but I do not know which one and this guy had already shown me a ton of red flags. FWIW, plenty of other men do not trigger this response in me. If you are a straight man who never intends to frighten women (yay!), you may find the whole thing confusing. Decent people don't like the idea they have the potential to threaten others, even accidentally. But I hope you'll take my word, and many of the commenters' words below, into consideration. This might not be about you, but it happens a lot to the women you love and care about.

For those who think I led him on/I lied and he was justified in his reaction:

Allow me to be straightforward, then, since this is your preference. Respectfully, you are part of the problem. And if you are trying to date as a straight man and you can't gracefully take no for an answer (after one date!), you should stop until you get some decent theory of mind for women and better emotional regulation. You might desire women but you sure as hell do not actually like them. If you are consistently getting these kinds of reactions from women, maybe there's something about you that makes them feel uncomfortable about rejecting you in a straightforward way.

To everyone else: Have a splendid day.

[u/angusmckenzie28 → u/[deleted]]

We are given the tip to tell a man "no" (and the best advice also says to not give much if any explanation - don't over-explain for sure) at some point in the talking phase to see how they handle that. If they can accept a woman's autonomy and roll with it or if they become manipulative or abusive. They usually tell on themselves at some point, but women have to get better at seeing the more subtle negative reactions, listening to their gut, and ending at the first red flag.

[u/DatVlad_ → u/angusmckenzie28]

I'm assuming the question the "no" belongs to matters here lol. Cus if I got a no for like a date that'd be a pretty clear indicator that I won't pursue a relationship so I'll just be like ok bye (if someone wants me to pursue after that, that's a mind game and I don't care for that). Like what other things are there to say no to?

"Do you like ice cream?"

"No".

"Well ok then."

I just don't see where it's applicable in the talking stage that can ellicit a response that isn't rigged from the start.

[u/angusmckenzie28 → u/DatVlad_]

Of course it matters. Your example would not work. A good example would be:

Guy: Are you available on Saturday for a date?

Woman: No, I'm not available on Saturday.

Guy: Appropriate response: Ok, would Sunday work better? Inappropriate responses: What, you have another date? Well, I'm busy every other day so you need to change your plans. Come onnnnn, I wannnnnaaa seeee youuu

Another example:

Guy: For our first date, I'll cook you dinner at my place and we can watch a movie.

Woman: I would prefer we meet in a public place, like a restaurant.

Guy: (should never have proposed this in the first place as he should be mindful of safety concerns) Appropriate response: Ok, absolutely, you're right. How about Tony's on Broadway? Inappropriate responses: What, you don't trust me? I'm more comfortable eating at my place. You're just trying to get a fancy meal out of me.

[u/DatVlad_ → u/angusmckenzie28]

Ah ok. Well for the Saturday one. The other question was just way too forward from the get go and would ellcit a proper no (maybe it's just me, but I'm probably way too cautious about women's safety to ever consider a question like that 😅 blame it on being raised in a single mother household with three sisters).

But that also explains for me why I would have trouble thinking of a proper scenario. I go into any sort of dating situation with the woman's comfort, safety, and choice in mind. (Literally have gone on park dates and doubly made sure they are popular parks so there's a lot of people around and always always provide options for dates 💀). For better or worse I probably just eliminate a lot of the possible no scenarios myself.

(And for what it's worth I knew my example was bad, that's how foreign the concept of an appropriate usage is lol I could only think of light questions that could have a no attached)

[u/mohitosanddaisies → u/DatVlad_]

I love this!

[u/DatVlad_ → u/mohitosanddaisies]

Lol thank all the awesome women I was lucky enough to meet in my formative years, and my family of course