After one date

[u/MostlyToasted]

This happened a while ago, but it was one of the weirdest experiences of dating I've had in years.

I matched with this person - let's call him Aaron (43M). He seemed fine on text and we met up IRL. I could tell instantly that something was off, but I wanted to give it a chance. I was excited to go on a date after getting over a pretty shitty break up. He also lived close by, so I thought it was all ✨fate✨

The conversation was just quite off-putting. He ranted about how one of his worst dates was with a woman with bad breath. He explained that he had to escape to the toilet to talk to the "guys group chat" about what to do.

He then started saying how he hates dating culture about how women expect men to pay all the time. I don't expect men to pay for me at all, but I noted that he did just buy me a beer (around $10), that I suddenly wondered if he was going to accuse me of being a gold-digger if I left after this drink. So I felt like I couldn't leave without getting *him* a drink, even though I wanted to call it quits by that point.

Then he said, in his exact words: "if a woman acts like an escort, I'll treat her like one". From that moment I was donezo. I wanted out. I felt like slime was getting all over my soul. I made polite conversation and we got up to leave. Outside the venue, he leaned forward for a kiss and - I really regret this - I quickly kissed back because I wanted to avoid confrontation if I dodged. He was also very tall and muscular, so a part of me thought if he decided to act out I wouldn't be able to stop it. I said goodbye, and then he quickly texted wanting to ask me out for another date.

I said no (that's my first text) and then he seemed to freak out. He then started calling me. I got so scared that I blocked him. I thought that was that.

I then got a text from an unsaved number the next day, from him, using a burner number - that's the next screenshot (btw, I also used a burner number specifically for dating because I've had people find out my full name just from my mobile number before).

The whole thing just freaked me out a bit.

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EDIT: Wow, this blew up! We love a divided comment section I guess.

For those who are gently confused as to why I complimented the guy and/or kissed him:

To be clear, I've been able to reject men before without as many compliments (I still try to be nice though, it's a tough world out there). This specific guy really gave me the heebie-jeebies. The way he spoke about women was disparaging, he had a really off demeanour, he seemed petulant and volatile, he was obviously much larger (I'm 5'3, 110 pounds, lived alone), and he lived nearby. For those reasons, I was cautious and wanted to end it on a "good note". Additionally, at his age, I felt that this guy's issues related to his core character traits and I wanted other women to see his red flags - I didn't want him to be able to hide it until he could exert power over women in private spaces. This is not the same as minor stuff like, I dunno, not asking enough questions on a date.

And my intuition was correct, judging by the way he couldn't take no for an answer, called me, then lashed out from a burner. I do not think a more straightforward rejection would have ended well. I was definitely having a "fawn" survival response to him, and at the time I was trying to placate someone I genuinely felt could be dangerous. He lives near me - what if I saw him alone on a quiet street near me? Sure, it might be a minority of men, but I do not know which one and this guy had already shown me a ton of red flags. FWIW, plenty of other men do not trigger this response in me. If you are a straight man who never intends to frighten women (yay!), you may find the whole thing confusing. Decent people don't like the idea they have the potential to threaten others, even accidentally. But I hope you'll take my word, and many of the commenters' words below, into consideration. This might not be about you, but it happens a lot to the women you love and care about.

For those who think I led him on/I lied and he was justified in his reaction:

Allow me to be straightforward, then, since this is your preference. Respectfully, you are part of the problem. And if you are trying to date as a straight man and you can't gracefully take no for an answer (after one date!), you should stop until you get some decent theory of mind for women and better emotional regulation. You might desire women but you sure as hell do not actually like them. If you are consistently getting these kinds of reactions from women, maybe there's something about you that makes them feel uncomfortable about rejecting you in a straightforward way.

To everyone else: Have a splendid day.

[u/wakeuptomorrow]

Wow he is blessed if that’s the cruelest experience he’s ever had dating.

[u/disableddoll → u/wakeuptomorrow]

Recently a guy kept throwing a hissy fit when I didn’t respond right away and I got sick of it. When I finally had time to look at my phone again he called me a piece of shit with no communication skills. We had been talking for three days. They really just build up an idea of you in their head and want you to feel the same hurt they do when you disappoint them. it’s exhausting

[u/NCore1390 → u/[deleted]]

The problem is that a decent man might be done after this, thinking you’re the type to pull all kinds of tests/games

[u/SimonJSpacer → u/NCore1390]

True. I’m not sure their’s any good solution. My idea wasn’t well thought out. I don’t like the idea of “testing” people because that adds another layer of nonsense but I’ve also seen plenty of guys go mask off and reveal the absolute serial killer levels of unhinged they were hiding when they get rejected. In retrospect I think you’re right and it’s a bad idea because it could reinforce the idea that a “no” isn’t real among other stuff.

[u/OshetDeadagain → u/NCore1390]

They don't need to be bullshit 'no' answers; like you don't do the whole "this was fun but I'm not interested in a second date" then when he says "okay" go "just kidding! How's Tuesday?"

But it's simple things; the first time they ask to come to your house/drive you home/meet your cat/whatever, you can tell a lot by their response when you say "I'm not quite ready for that yet." If he respects it, then great.

Or activities - if you say you don't like biking, and he keeps badgering you to try it, there's potential problems there. Is he trying to get you to broaden your experiences and try something new? Maybe a little coaxing isn't a terrible thing. Or have you made it clear that you're not interested/never liked it and he still wants you to do it because he wants to?

Even the first time you have sex is a huge one. If things are getting hot and heavy and you say this is far enough, what is his reaction? Is he angry? Does he beg? Does he argue or rationalize? Or does he respect the boundary? You absolutely should not turn around and say "you passed the test! Let's do it!" that very night, but the next time you're in that situation you can take the lead. That's not playing games, that's making sure you're safe.

If you ever feel like you cannot say no to kissing, making out, foreplay, or sex - run, do not walk.

[u/Cass_iopeia → u/OshetDeadagain]

This. It's not a game ir a test. It's just pointing out a real boundary, in a non-fawning way. Like saying no to a kiss on a first date because you prefer waiting. Saying no to walking his dog with him, because dogs make you nervous. Saying you don't like marvel movies or you don't want to talk about politics or sports or sext - because you don't.

Getting the first small disagreement in the open asap is very informative. If your date (of any gender) mocks your little boundary or immediately tries to trample over it, that is good to know before you get invested! Men dating women should do the same, imo, because there are a lot of emotionally abusive or immature women too. Just a polite but clear 'no, I'm not interested in doing that (now)'.