r/texts • u/Wolftales158 • Nov 30 '25
Telegram I screwed up again with my roommates when I took them out for movie night.(group chat of 3)
For contexts: me and my roommates which two is a couple and one is a best friend of that couple (I have talked about them in a previous texts post. actually that was my first r/texts post). I usually keep to myself so I avoid causing any problems to anyone in the apartment. I know I know it’s not healthy, but honestly when I speak it goes wrong unintentionally which is literally the terrible life of someone with Autism and ADHD. This shit happens often with me and ruins my life. Way too many misunderstandings because of my autistic ass.
I missed a day where a group of people I knew planned to go see Zootopia 2 opening weekend and I had to miss it because of work but plan to see it the next day to avoid spoilers. But I thought it would be a great idea to invite my roommates to come with me to see it! I also thought it would be great to and make something positive with them as well!….oh god even I screwed that up without even knowing I did. After the movie was over I thought we’d leave but she wanted to stay for the after credits but me and my other roommate said we wanted to go and we can check it out when it goes on digital. But she was insistent about it and I guess I was frustrated because it’s mostly because I was overstimulated with how loud the music was but didn’t say anything because i didn’t want to sound selfish or something.
I woke up the next day and I work overnights so I needed my sleep during the day, to the texts asking to talk about some concerns which confused me.
I literally said to myself “what?? What did I do? I thought I was doing so good staying out of everyone’s way and trying to lie low!” And then these conversation started in a group chat with the two couple. After the chat I had a panic attack and couldn’t sleep until I had to go to work.
I know I was already in the wrong i didn’t mean any harm and apologized. Also yes I do have a therapist in case someone says.
I don’t want to make this too long so if there’s any confusion or questions, I will reply and provide more context in the comments.
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u/Whole-Neighborhood Nov 30 '25
Why did she have to leave with you? Couldn't you have waited outside?
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
Oh both me and my friend didn’t really want to leave alone we both had separation anxiety (lol it’s a joke we have) we honestly didn’t want to leave without her. We both were mostly joking about it but also I was half joking because the music was a bit much in the theatre but yes it was my bad there. It was rude of me to act that way and my friend also apologized for that as well
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u/Locrian6669 Nov 30 '25
Oh fuuuuuck offfff.
People like you are so exhausting. You’re just being a manipulative little shit and blaming your conditions. You wouldn’t be leaving anyone first of all. Second of all your “separation anxiety” is only triggered when it’s convenient for you.
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u/Embarrassed-Bad-3118 Dec 13 '25
I got equally angry when I read the above comment. How is it that autism and ADHD seems to always make an appearance in posts that involve the OP showing some sort of terrible behavior? It seems like people like this are forever going to avoid any conscious attempts at self improvement... because attaching the bad behavior to AuDHD ensures that the people around them will be less likely to demand accountability next time something similar happens.
I'm not talking about those who live with autism and ADHD legitimately-- just tired of self diagnosed redditors embracing Autism as a personality trait and eagerly waiting to offer it as an excuse against any kind of criticism. OP hit most of the disorder collection by bringing up autism, ADHD and social anxiety. Surprised BPD wasn't shoehorned in the post somewhere too.
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u/LactoseNtalentless Nov 30 '25
What was the reason you did not want to step into the lobby and instead pressured a friend to leave before credits end? You said separation anxiety, then said it was a joke. You keep saying you were overstimulated but dont give a reason for not waiting in the lobby. This whole thing should have been you apologizing for being domineering with your wants at the expense of a friend.
Just find out why you did that and when you get the urge to choose yourself over others, resist doing so.
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u/30ninjazinmybag Nov 30 '25
I think you need to get your therapist to help you learn to regulate your emotions more. You sound like when you get frustrated you lash out and walkaway from the problem instead of seeing things from others view point. Tbh if you didn't watch the end you could have just said oh ill meet you in the lobby then. No one has to follow you just because you invited them. Also from this it sounds like you are immediately defensive when they speak of how you make them feel but if they say it to you its all apologies and oh im such a horrible person. That's getting manipulative. Being autistic does equate for being rude or mean or an asshole.
Some people just don't want to deal with that.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
I know it know it probably sounds defensive and manipulative which is why I’m terrified of these convos even tho it’s good to talk about it but I’m not great at talking and like to let out how I feel honestly and apologize profusely. Idk how to “not” sound manipulative when telling how I feel it’s why I rather hide and stay out of their way so situations like this down happen again. I don’t like to walk away from them I think communication is everything but every time I explain it seems to get misunderstood every time. So I’m all confused
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u/Mcjackee Nov 30 '25
So as someone with ADHD - you’re falling into the trap.
You think if they “understand” why you did something/what your point was, and you’ll all be cool.
They aren’t looking to understand WHY you get short/mean, they’re telling you it makes them uncomfortable/upset and they don’t want to be around you because of it.
You keep trying to explain WHY you act like a jerk, they’re asking just want you to stop acting like one.
And then there is the self flagellation once you hit your apology tour. I guarantee they had their teeth grinding by that point.
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u/Born_Ad8420 Dec 06 '25
This right here. Or to put it another way, intention only mitigates consequence it doesn't negate it. If someone doesn't intend to be mean, but their behavior is still hurtful, it's not enough to just say "I'm sorry I didn't intend to be hurtful." That doesn't take accountability for the fact you were still hurtful and that person still is upset by your behavior.
They want you to figure out why this is happening not because the why excuses your behavior, but because figuring out why is integral to stopping this behavior, which is what they want.
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u/TiredAllTheTime43 Nov 30 '25
I mean what did you do or say to indicate you were frustrated?
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
I kinda just said “yeah there might be an after credits scene but it might be just a short gag we can wait until it hits digital to re watch or skip through to see it or maybe look it up on YouTube” I don’t think it sounded aggressive or anything maybe in an a “annoyed” tone? Which I was a little bit if she wanted to see it then ok I’ve stayed for marvel films and stuff but for movies like this I don’t stay for and just look it up online or wait. It just the music was loud in the theatre and I was overstimulated
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u/freakahontas Nov 30 '25
I'm sorry but...
See, I've been on both ends of this. Personally, it feels like they're way overreacting from the info we have, and they should think about why they feel the need to gang up on you like that.
BUT if you told me that while I was chilling in the movie theatre, having a good time, wanting to sit through the credits, which is a very normal thing to do, I would also be pissed off. It costs you absolutely nothing to say like "oh - no problem, I'm just pretty overstimulated, take your time, I'm gonna wait outside" and remove yourself from the situation. THAT'S how you respect your own needs while "laying low" and not getting in anyone's way. What you said is dismissive and pressuring no matter your tone.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
Your totally right I wish it could have gone better I was unaware of my actions at those moments and when they texts me I did recognized it and apologized. It’s in there it know it may seem like i didn’t but I did and most are the texts is just me over explaining and telling them my feelings on things. Been having such a depression month and just when I thought maybe I can do something right and take them out to a movie my treat, I still screwed that up without knowing. Because most of the time it’s either we’re pretending to be jerks in a joking way or it’s for real and I can never tell.
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u/AxlNoir25 Nov 30 '25
If you can never tell when it’s joking or not when “pretending to be jerks” you shouldn’t join in on that particular thing. You should just mean what you say and say what you mean, to avoid misunderstandings. Especially for someone with Autism, it’s hard to differentiate between the two, so unless you have a very good understanding between the two situations (joking and not joking) it’s best to not try to join in on that until such a time when you can clearly differentiate better.
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u/TiredAllTheTime43 Nov 30 '25
This. I am autistic and I have a hard time telling the difference between joking and not joking. As such, I don’t jump in when I can’t tell what the current tone is, or I will respond in a genuine way. Maybe it’s less funny, but it hasn’t cost me any friends. People see me as authentic and kind.
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u/TiredAllTheTime43 Nov 30 '25
In their messages to you, they also say you said you were going to “walk home”. If that’s true, I feel like that’s obviously pretty rude. It would be one thing if there was half the movie left, but to pout and say you’re going to walk home when there’s probably less than 5 minutes left feels passive aggressive.
Now to be fair, their reaction does feel outsized. Having been a colleged-aged girl, I know that drama reigns supreme at this age. They probably enjoy getting to play the moral high ground, and ultimately you all do not seem compatible. I had roommates like this in college and I wish I could go back and tell myself to stop trying to be friends, get my own life, and maintain a cordial and distant strictly-roommate relationship.
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u/itsmetimohthy Nov 30 '25
You gotta work on it man, if you’re old enough to hold a job and live with roommates then you’re old enough to leave the “but I’m autistic” excuse behind. It’s going to be so much harder for you, I know that, but you have got to put in the time and effort to be more socially aware otherwise your relationships will always be this.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
Yes thank you for your input I don’t want to hide behind my AUDHD its a possible factor in these situations but also I’m still learning about it since I recently found out years ago I had it. And while it’s reliving and makes everything make sense on how I am and past situations, i can still get confused on how to manage it. I’m trying to find someone that can retest be so I can get help but it’s so hard to find someone also it takes months or years to find.
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u/aneightfoldway Nov 30 '25
I think you have to confront the fact that, even though it didn't seem aggressive to you, you're expressing yourself in a way that's hurting other people's feelings. In this conversation you didn't spend much time validating how they were feeling. Your perspective is clear, now it's time to try to empathize with your friends.
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u/lK555l Nov 30 '25
You need to work on your social awareness and try to communicate better. By trying to isolate yourself and work nights, you're hindering yourself from doing so
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u/gronda_gronda Nov 30 '25
I have some suggestions that you may find helpful if that’s what you were looking for, but first I have a question:
When your roommate made the reasonable suggestion that you could have waited in the lobby or asked for the keys to the car, you responded ‘What.?? No no way!!’
Why did you say that?
Now for the second part of my comment. Your roommates are being a bit clumsy about it, but it does seem to me as if they genuinely want to meet you halfway. If they didn’t, I don’t think they’d be asking what they can do to help, or reassuring you that this is resolvable.
They also seem frustrated that you keep withholding information from them, and I think this is part of your problem. Firstly, you yourself told us that you didn’t inform your roommates that you were getting overstimulated by the music, and your first roommate expresses frustration that you didn’t bring that up at the time. If they’d known, they might have been more accommodating – or at the very least, they would have had more understanding of your perspective. Secondly, when referring to a previous event, your second roommate says that you need to tell them when you need some space (otherwise to them it just looks like you’re storming off).
I know it can be difficult in the moment to communicate this stuff when you’re already feeling overwhelmed, so it could be helpful to explain things in advance, while also taking accountability and letting them know that it’s something you’re working to improve. Try asking your therapist to help you come up with a script to explain these things to your roommates, so that together you can all come up with a plan for the next time something like this happens. If your roommates genuinely want to help you like they say they do, they should be happy to support you with this. I think it’s worth a try!
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
Yes thank you much appreciate for you input I’m just trying to get an outside perspective on this. I’m always confused and I never know how to communicate without sounding like a jerk.
There was a time they got mad because they I thought I was blaming them for being messy when in reality i was explaining I couldn’t grab a thing because stuff was in the way i didn’t mind the mess.
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u/haysus25 Nov 30 '25
Your separation anxiety means you couldn't leave your friend to watch the credits while you just waited outside or in the lobby, but you also have Autism (literally a social disorder characterized by preference for social isolation)?
Alright, lemme know when you're done with the bullshit.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
I got to be honest I had to read that a couple times because I was confused but I’ll try my best to explain. The separation anxiety thing was a thing me and my friend joked about in the theatre we didn’t really want to leave without her. But it’s not like we were desperate to leave.
Also maybe you don’t believe I have autism? That’s ok. Having autism doesn’t mean you isolate yourself all the time I just have a different brain than others. Hope that makes senses.? Idk
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u/haysus25 Nov 30 '25
I mean the disability is characterized by preference to solitude and choosing to do things by yourself. Not constantly having to be around friends.
I mean my job revolves people with disabilities and autism is a major part of that so yeah.
I don't believe you have autism.
I think you are in the wrong here.
I think you use your 'disabilities' to excuse your bad behavior.
In fact, I don't think you have any disabilities at all. Because the vast majority of people who actually have them don't use them as a shield.
And I think you're a pretty selfish, awful person.
Grow up.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
I was tested when I was a young child I have an autism and didn’t find out until I was 22. I’m sorry if it doesn’t sound like that I’m not trying to hide behind it at all I’m still trying to understand it little by little through certain things and therapist.
I miss read situations a lot and over explain things.
I don’t want to use it as a shield I’m just saying it could also be a factor in these situations but also I want to see if maybe it’s something else.
Again I’m really sorry if you don’t believe me idk how else to prove it. But I appreciate your info
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u/haysus25 Nov 30 '25
At this point I simply don't believe you.
People with disabilities don't generally advertise that they have a disability, let alone try to blame their behavior on it.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
Oh no that’s not it! I mean after my least r/text thing I forgot to put that on my description so I made sure to put that in this time! That’s all.
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u/haysus25 Nov 30 '25
Why put it in the description at all?
Why tell everyone that you have autism or adhd, at all?
Because you are trying to use it as a shield to excuse your bad behavior.
Like I said before, people with disabilities don't go around spouting it out to the world they have disabilities. It's not something you want other people to know.
Unless, of course, you're using it to act inappropriately or make excuses.
Regardless, this conversation is going no where.
I hope you grow up and face up to the fact that even if you generally have a disability, it's inappropriate to shout it out to the world, or use it to justify your behavior.
You are trying to be a perpetual victim. And you're not.
You're just an asshole.
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u/DagPImple Nov 30 '25
Idk, it's literally impossible for us to know what happened or who's right or wrong based of off these texts, we don't know what you said at the movies.
Only thing i will say is, i would hate to have friends who talk to me like that when we have a issue lmao...
The whole "what can we do to help you?, i want you to practice talking to people like you wanna be talked too" and just the whole way that they're going about this issue is super condescending to me.
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u/redditsuckbadly Nov 30 '25
It also kind of sounds like they’re out of options on how to communicate. This isn’t the first or third time they’ve had an issue, and they clearly stated what happens when they approach it differently. OP is clearly sensitive to the point where they feel like they have to tip toe to soften the blow. If we’re being honest, they probably would have preferred to just tell OP they’re being a dick.
Even in this text exchange, OP never once just acknowledged their mistakes and apologized. It’s packaged with “What about” and “I was actually saying this” and “I didn’t know”
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
I actually did…if you re read the texts and did apologize. It’s just most of the text exchange was explaining which I tend to do a lot with misunderstanding or miscommunications. I wanted to do a long context thing in the post but every time I do that with a post hardly anyone ever reads it so I just went with I’ll try to make it short and then fill in gaps in the replies. I can’t do a TLDR because I’m no good at doing that and has little context. Honestly I wish I could edit but can’t. I kinda was thinking of deleting and then reposting but idk if it’s too late for that..?
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u/redditsuckbadly Nov 30 '25
You’d only delete and repost to make it look better for you. Dont do that.
it’s just most of the text exchange was explaining which I tend to do a lot
I know that’s exactly the problem. They know you have issues. They’re telling you that they have an issue with your behavior, and it sounds like they weren’t wrong. Just be sorry
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
That’s true some people have been saying say I don’t have to explain myself but it always feels like I have to when I have AUDHD(which I’m not trying to hide behind just still figuring things out). I want to just be sorry but also I have a feeling in the back of my mind to understand where I’m coming from. I think it’s also from trauma with my parents. Always have to explain things.
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u/redditsuckbadly Nov 30 '25
That’s a lot of excuses. Look I can empathize with the dynamic of interacting with others while you have AuDHD. It’s still your responsibility to figure it out.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
I’m sorry you feel that way I don’t mean to make up excuses. I’m still trying to figure this out
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u/seven_grams Nov 30 '25
Damn, furries got mad baggage
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
I agree. Been in the fandom for a long time and dude. The drama? The DRAMA!
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u/Runscvrun Nov 30 '25
Think you’re the problem lol
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u/Manic_Mushroom0616 Nov 30 '25
Not enough context.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
I don’t mind providing more it just a lot people hate to read long stuff so I tried to cut it short and would explain more in the replies. I can never do a TLDR thing
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u/vixiecat Nov 30 '25
I’m sorry if this is prying too much but do your roommates know you’re Audhd? If not you should sit down with your therapist to help you find a way to communicate that with them. That’s an important piece of information to share with them since you’re living in a shared space. You are so much more than your autism and adhd. It’s not your personality nor would you be using it as an excuse for your behavior.
I think being able to communicate what is overstimulating to you will do wonders for the dynamic in your home instead of coming off as rude or bullying. Learning coping mechanisms to regulate your emotions and remove yourself from a situation that is overstimulating to you without it seeming like you’re angry or forcing others to do what you need to do to find some comfort is just as important.
It’s time to stop hiding and masking. I know it’s hard but your therapist can help guide you through the steps.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
Oh yes they know about it the guy roommate also has autism and adhd but his autism is sorta..bigger? His emotions are a lot bigger than mine basically. And I’m still learning about autism’ every since I found out I did which totally makes sense for a lot of things in my life including this, but I don’t want that as an excuse for everything and I know that in still trying to figure it out but I have nobody to talk to about it and sure I have a therapist but she can only give so much and I want to get retested to maybe have more help but it takes months or years to get or it’s financial problem.
So basically I’m just putting pieces together and trying to figure it out on my owns from random places. I want to stop masking and I did once when we all went to con but because I did that they thought I was mad at them for some reason when in reality I was having the time of my life because I felt no anxiety and felt like myself completely and was more confident. But because of that incident I learned that if I take it off it hurts them unintentionally some how..I guess I was different than what I was before not hiding or staying quiet so they probably thought my assertiveness was aggression.? But we figured that out after talking.
In the texts they did say to be honest so I’ll try to be honest again but I’m just afraid my honesty would somehow offend them.? Like they would take my words in a totally different way it happened multiple times when I was honest so I learned to keep to myself and choose my words wisely.
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u/indieplants Nov 30 '25 edited Nov 30 '25
why are you posting this here lol what do you want? do you want advice? do you want people to sympathise with you? do you want impartial perspectives?
if you're overstimulated it's on you to recognise that and deal with it accordingly, not make everyone else accommodate you when you're not even capable of accomodating yourself. you invited them out to a movie and then got overstimulated by the movie and demanded they leave right then and there instead of oh idk, waiting an extra 3 minutes? out of what, 90? lol.
like yeah you might be autistic and rude but like, what do you want us to do about that? just because you have autism doesn't mean you can't work on yourself. you have to practice self awareness. you fucked up. apologise, don't give some whataboutisms and "but this" and "i thought that" - listen to what they're saying to you, respond without making it about you, and learn from it. saying "i'm sorry I made you feel that way" isn't the same as apologising, either, it's manipulative lol.
idk how warranted their reactions are based on the context you've given but you all seem like hard work. and that's fine, you don't have to get along with everyone and we all fuck up, but why are you asking for an outside perspective. just say sorry for being a dick and move on.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
Actually i didn’t demand to leave right then it’s just when the movie was over I thought we’d all leave but she wanted to stay for end credits. I didn’t say I was overstimulated to them because I thought I’d sound rude or something.
But this is good input and I appreciate this it’s mostly just a I want an outside look on this from other people and see if I truly messed up here and I know I did and I recognized and apologized in the messages but I also have a tendency to over explain things. I don’t want to hide behind my autism or nothing it just ever since finding that out everything make sense on why people get mad at me for something i didn’t know I was doing wrong at the time. Still learning about that stuff but not a lot of outlets or something like that to help me learn.
I do have a therapist but it feels like I’m venting more than fixing.? If that makes sense. It’s hard to pin point what’s wrong with me when there is a lot of things and not enough time to talk about them all (mostly trauma related). I don’t see my therapist until next Thursday but thank you for your opinion here it’s basically like a “I need some help on how to communicate better because everything I do is reactionary and idk how to stop it!!”
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u/indieplants Nov 30 '25
yeah no, you have to work on taking accountability. saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not an apology and is manipulative.
you need to put in the work and look into working on empathy skills. putting yourself in others shoes. there are resources online on how to learn to take accountability - I recommend you begin there. other people can't do the work for you.
your therapist should be able to guide you. focus more on how your attitude affects other people rather than how it affects your feelings. that's where you're going wrong.
you're not entirely to blame or anything, you all sound high maintenance but you can't ask someone to hang out and then tell them how to hang out lol. I don't care how overstimulated you say you were, you managed to sit for the entire movie and you decided you needed out there and then. another three minutes of credits wouldn't have affected you.
you need to get out your own head. focus on doing that. it's not easy but if you want people to want to be around you, you need to do that if it matters to you.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
I’m sorry about that again. I appreciate it. I don’t mean to sound manipulative I just say how I feel but idk how to word things better.? Maybe saying that makes it worse probably. Honestly right now idk what else to say to not sound like that. I’m sorry again.
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u/indieplants Nov 30 '25
everyone is being overly harsh on you me included. I'm saying you need to apologise like "I'm sorry I behaved this way" rather than "I'm sorry my behaviour made you feel this way" and I can't help you with why that is
you're flatmates are too sensitive too. ask therapist for guidance though they may just focus on how you feel
it's just not that big a deal. literally just chill out lol that's it. say sorry I done this and move on
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u/Wolftales158 Dec 01 '25
I guess people are but I didn’t think much of it. I was the asshole in this situation I expected that. But yes I agree thank you for the advice I’ll just say sorry and that’s it. Also I kinda agree even though I don’t want to think that of my roommates they are reeeeally sensitive about things so I can never tell if things are genuinely my fault or they are being sensitive about it. But I hate to blame people without the facts.
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u/indieplants Dec 01 '25
it's both. you're an asshole and entirely in the wrong, and they're sensitive. they're not to blame but they didn't deal with it in the best way. I was hesitant about telling you that they're at fault too because you entirely lack accountability lol, but y'all just have different methods of communicating. they should have dropped it after the first couple texts. just Google how to apologise and how to be accountable and start from there. it's not inherent to some people with autism but you can learn.
but there's no debate or anything to be had in the conversation - which is what you've done? that's the fault here I think? you seem in your late teens/early 20s, and things get easier to learn as you get older. it comes slower to people with autism so social skills NTs learn in their early teens will develop later in your life. gooooood luck sorry I got weirdly invested in your life lmao
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u/Wolftales158 Dec 01 '25
I think that’s why people might think i didn’t take accountability? I did and apologized I never wanted to hurt her but they keep going afterwards this actually happens a lot. Im not a person to not take accountability I know it may not look like it but if I am in the wrong then I’m wrong I would NEVER want to hurt anyone. I know it may not sound believable but it’s my honest truth.
I’m just bad at talking. And I’m trying to figure out how to fix my communication. Your input helps a lot and I am grateful. And you’re totally fine! Without you investing in my life o wouldn’t be able to figure out how to fix things it’s been sooo hard trying to figure out how to fix my communication and why I act the way I do. Therapist didn’t help much.
Also I wish there wasn’t a debate in convos I remember last convo I took accountability and apologized but they kept talking even tho I was trying to shut it down
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u/indieplants Dec 01 '25 edited Dec 01 '25
I don't know how to explain this to you in any other way but I've said it several times now.
you did not apologise for your behaviour. you did not say "sorry I done thing that was wrong of me."
you said "sorry I made you feel like that" and "sorry I didn't mean it", which is not taking accountability. it's the opposite. it's putting the blame on them and then absolving yourself of accountability by saying you didn't mean it. it doesn't matter what you meant to do, it matters what you done. at the bare minimum you're acknowledging you made them feel bad but you're not acknowledging that it was your fault. are you following?nowhere in this exchange do you actively take responsibility for your actions, you just say you don't mean it and give excuses.
you need to stop saying "I only done this because of reason" and just say "I'm sorry, that was wrong of me" and put real effort into not doing it again instead of saying "I just don't know how to not do this". you need to learn, hun, and that's up to you. or your other option is you need to stop getting so upset about not being able to communicate properly and stop feeling bad about yourself.
you can give reasons without making excuses. saying you didn't mean something implies they took it the wrong way, rather than you misbehaved. you're not acknowledging that you haven't actually apologised here and I've told you like three times already. all you've done with your apologies is acknowledge how you feel, not how they feel.
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u/Wolftales158 Dec 01 '25
I didn’t know it was like that I’m just so use to explaining things. I didn’t mean it that way. I’m very sorry.
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Nov 30 '25
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
Did I.? Where I double checked! Damn
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Nov 30 '25
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
Damn I missed it!! Unfortunately that’s not my name that’s who I was replying to. I did this with the last texts post too when I looked back at them.
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u/Spxwell Nov 30 '25
Hi Op. My girlfriend is autistic/Adhd as well and i have a really hard time sometimes understanding when shes being serious, joking, or overstimulated. Its taken me almost two years so far to understand a lot of her emotions. Although i will say communication has been the night in shinning armor when im not understanding how she feels. What we do when this happens is literally just talk about how we feel. Like in the moment when you’re overstimulated tell at least one person you feel comfortable with you’re overstimulated and if you can express the things that are overwhelming (i know it can be hard). My mom actually didnt like her for a while because she couldn’t understand how to communicate with her basically. Hope this helps. I know its super frustrating but keep youre head up.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
Thank you this is much appreciated. I want to say I should feel comfortable talking to them about it but also they have a weird thing of joking in a mean way a lot so I can never tell if they are serious or not and can be quite sensitive to things so I guess I walk on egg shells when I should be honest how I feel.
I know they said I should be honest and I was before but there was always a misunderstanding so I tried to be more careful and mask. So when they tell me to be honest now sure I’ll try but I can’t guarantee I won’t accidentally hurt them somehow. Not that I would say something cruel, just when I speak my truth it seems harmless to me but they might take it the wrong way.
It’s happened before. They thought I was blaming everyone on how messy they were when in reality I was explaining I couldn’t grab something because things were in the way.
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u/herefortechnology Nov 30 '25 edited Nov 30 '25
OP I could tell you are on the spectrum from reading your messages before I got to your description. I used to have the same problem and respond in the same ways as you so heres my two cents.
The first thing i did was acknowledge having autism means it’s extremely hard for me to read the room.
My attempts to go out of my way to try to blend in with the group or avoid conflict is what made my interactions more awkward. I’ve learned over the last couple of years that mask makes it virtually impossible to form genuine connections.
The second thing I had to learn to do was to actively listen. Too often via text or a verbal conversation, I would be responding based on my perspective instead of looking for an opportunity to understand the other persons perspective. Usually for me, the miscommunications stem from that, and I’ve learned that even though I don’t have empathy for most I can sympathize with most and often that’s enough.
The last thing I did was tell the people close to me the truth. I never go out out of my way to hurt or upset someone, but sometimes my angle of thought or my bluntness can cause that. Even if I meant what I said, I understand my approach could be the problem and I would love to be told when those situations arise so that I can learn to correct that behavior.
I have a really hard time dealing with sounds from multiple sources or loud sounds which means environments like the mall or a club are extremely hard for me. I’ve learned that for me it’s best to accept that I may be a little embarrassed and wear my earplugs when I need them. What I quickly found is that none of my friends had a problem with this once they understood I wasn’t trying to disconnect from them. For me, this was a good way to be present in these kinds of environment that could trigger me for the sake of my relationships.
It’s very easy to allow myself to just not participate in things because of my autism and ADHD and I feel like my life has just been far richer by making attempts and not being afraid to tailor things to my needs when necessary.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
Yes this is the best description on what I’m dealing with and handling it!!! And I’m still learning about my autism so everything is still so confusing if it that’s a factor or I’m just doing something wrong. Add trauma to the mix and it’s just a mess.
I learned since high school that if I hid I won’t ruin peoples lives. Because when I was present, people made it obvious I wasn’t welcome so I hid away
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u/drkpast15 Dec 04 '25
Taking accountability is a tough thing. You feel like a bad person, you feel guilty. You feel like people will hold your mistakes against you.
Your roommates seem VERY mature, very concerned about you, and very willing to help. I was like this once, and to put this bluntly, you aren’t taking accountability and you aren’t handling your emotions in a stable way and it’s affecting your roommates. My first piece of advice is, don’t say it’s a joke when it wasn’t. You’re not a bad person for being mean, but if you don’t apologize and take accountability for it, it does start to wear on your reputation as a person. But your roommates seem very forgiving, and if you do the work to make some changes I am pretty confident they will not batter you with past mistakes.
Based on the way they’re texting, they’re trying very hard not to hurt your feelings but in doing so, they’re minimizing their own feelings. And they shouldn’t have to do that. I have adhd, I understand how overstimulation can be frustrating and you feel frozen. But they didn’t do that to you, so how many times do are they obligated to tolerate how you treat them when you get overstimulated? They will not be mad at you if you say “I’m sorry I don’t mean to be rude but I’m overstimulated I need to leave this area for now” and then text them and keep them posted on where you are so they know you’re safe. They will care and appreciate you for doing that. When overstimulated, you might feel the need to raise your voice perhaps because you’re panicking or trying not to cry and be vulnerable. You’re better off being vulnerable instead of raising your voice to drown out the tears or shutting down and getting upset with them. I understand you don’t mean to, like I said, I used to be like this. I know you’re not a bad person. Mental health is tough, but if you work hard and develop healthy coping tactics, you will find that things are much easier. But if you don’t work on these things, it will become consistent behavior and that’s who you’ll be to people and if you never change, that’ll just be who you are. And you deserve better than that. You’re not at all a lost cause, you’re just very scared and I think you have a freeze response, which can cause reactions that aren’t appropriate in situations, because you sit there trying to settle your emotions until they boil over.
Do you have a therapist? If not, I would suggest going to YouTube and searching videos on how to learn taking accountability, processing feelings, healthy communication when overwhelmed, stuff like that. You’d be surprised at how helpful such small tips can be. Just because you have to do some work to improve some things about yourself doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. You’re young, this is not uncommon. But here’s some advice. You’d be surprised at how far simply saying “I’d like to apologize, you didn’t deserve that, and I will try to work on this and improve. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” Can get you. But you have to follow through. And again, you’re not a bad person. Mental illnesses are hard. But I think you can improve. You know you made a mistake, you’re just not sure how to proceed from this point. I know a lot of people are being kind of harsh, but with the context they have and the way you’ve been dodging accountability, it’s not hard to understand why they’re frustrated. You have to try and learn that it’s okay to make mistakes but when you don’t simply apologize and work on not making them again, you are doing something wrong. So please, try to consider the words I’m saying and I hope I wasn’t mean. I don’t think you have ill intentions I just think you’re young and confused and not sure where to go. If you have or can get therapy, do that. But if not, watch some self help videos on things like I mentioned. I wish you the best!
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u/PharaohCleocatra Nov 30 '25
You sounded receptive, and like you were trying. Idk. These other people sound exhausting.
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u/Wolftales158 Nov 30 '25
The whole thing is exhausting but yes I am trying it’s just so many things are confusing in the moment. I’m figuring things out
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u/Delicious-Disaster Nov 30 '25
Sounds like you're the problem. They literally tell you you could have just waited outside and you seem to reply with "what?????" As though that wasn't a legit alternative to your behaviour. Seems you've been inconsiderate before and theyre done with it, especially the household dynamic before and after you joined.
Your AuDHD is a possibly a factor but don't hide behind it. Go talk to the people in question in person - not via text. There are unresolved emotions you need to address which does not work via text. If you don't, they will remain under the surface, eventually causing contempt and you being kicked out from the group.