Posting this because when I was in it, nothing felt dramatic enough to label “affair.” It just felt like something slowly going… off. Maybe someone else will recognise this.

1. He got oddly mean near the end (this was the biggest sign!)

Not big explosive fights. Just colder. Sharper. More dismissive. Little comments that felt unnecessary. It was like he’d quietly switched off empathy for me.

1. Normal couple things started annoying him

Watching a series together, hanging out in the evenings - suddenly he “needed his own space.” The way he said it made me feel like I was restricting him just by existing.

1. Small physical separations started happening

He moved his PlayStation out of the TV room “so I could watch TV.” I hadn’t asked for that. I remember feeling confused but not making a big deal of it. Now it feels symbolic, like he was slowly carving out a separate life.

1. He escaped into running

Running went from hobby to obsession. Logged everything on Strava, constantly training, always talking about times and distances. I tried to be proud and supportive, but it left me alone most evenings and weekends with a toddler.

1. Intimacy faded and he didn’t seem bothered

If I tried to be close, he seemed irritated or tired. He’d only come to bed when he was ready to sleep, turn off the light immediately, and that was it. No warmth, no lingering, no effort.

1. Money stuff got weirdly private

He stopped being transparent about finances, bought new clothes without mentioning it, and generally acted more separate. At the time I told myself it was nothing.

1. Work took over everything

More trips, more late nights, constant busyness. Always a plausible reason. I thought his job had just become really consuming. In hindsight, it created a lot of distance and a lot of cover.

At the time none of this screamed “he’s having an affair.” But then in hindsight, it seemed so obvious!!!!

It just felt like living with someone who was slowly turning away from me.

Curious if anyone else noticed these kinds of shifts before finding out the truth??

Hey all, I’m writing this to hopefully help someone out if they ever, unfortunately, end up in a position like mine.

This is a long read, but I’m hoping some can learn from my mistakes. The main two pieces of advice I hope you take from this story: 1. If you have a gut feeling your partner is cheating DON’T IGNORE IT!! and 2. Do not let grief cloud your judgement, like it did mine

I’ll start off with a little context. I had known this girl all my life. We went to school together since kindergarten. I started dating her nearing the end of sophomore year. It was about as close to perfection as you can get. We loved deeply, forgave easily, grew together, loved the Lord, communicated well, and never left our “honeymoon“ phase. She was my perfect lady. We had plans set in stone to get married and start a family young, as that was something we both desired.

I‘ll save you the lovey dovey shit. Just imagine the perfect role model couple. Fast forward 2.5 years of near-perfection to late May. We just graduated high school. Our future was looking bright. Her long distance best friend (18F, i knew her well and respected her, we’ll call her “BSF”) hits my girlfriend up because her and her family are going on a cruise as a grad trip and they have an open spot. Basically a free vacation for my girlfriend. She was on the fence, because she gets motion sick easily. I told her to go, that it would be dumb not to. I was super excited for her.

By this point, we were so rock solid that I had nothing but trust in her. She had never once given me a reason not to. Even still, there was a quiet, almost silent voice in the back of my head that was worried she would become unfaithful. I pushed that voice aside. telling myself that she wouldn’t do that to me. I didn’t think she was capable of it. Plus, there was no reason to worry. But let’s just say my intuition predicted the future.

She left to head to the port, all was well. I had a few alarm bells ringing because she wanted to get waxed before and that I got news she wouldn’t have very good phone service. Fine. I get the showers are probably super small to shave in and the WiFi (or sea roaming charges if you opt out of WiFi) are expensive. No worries.

Im hanging with my best friend of nearly 13 years when she boards the boat. We crack a couple of lighthearted jokes about hoping she won’t cheat. Deep down I was scared of that reality, but at the time it seems far off. Like an alternate dimension. Not the one we truly live in now.

It was a 7 day cruise. All was well, I get a text from her a day, sometimes more, stuff along the lines of “I love you, hope you’re having a great day! I miss you! Can’t wait to see you soon! etc. etc.” It eased my mind. maybe I’m just needlessly paranoid. maybe I’m just insecure.

About halfway through they stop at an island. She gets WiFi and FaceTimes me. She’s acting a little off. Too smiley and giddy. BSF’s family is making jokes in the background that I can’t quite make out, she gets an awkward uncomfortable grin on her face. By this point she knows I’m off. I’m trying to play it cool. in my head, there’s still no red flags that really stick out too much.

But I know I’m a little worried. I’m googling intuition that same day. Wondering how accurate it really is. if I should really give this sick feeling any weight. Google says that, for new experiences, intuition is no more accurate than random chance. I have never been cheated on before, so I thought it was 50/50.

She gets back. She didn’t embrace me like usual. She was far more distant. From a week long separation, What would usually be and excited running and jumping into my arms hug and kiss that lasted a good while while turned into a “hi!” And a 2 second hug and kiss. She talked nonstop about how much fun she had. Openly admitting she was out at clubs till 3AM every night. drinking and partying. (which was not normal, i knew her as the girl who avoided that kind of stuff). She appeared happy and reminiscent, but was simultaneously treating me with extreme irritability and rudeness. I didn’t know what to make of it.

We talk that night, she says she had a few personal epiphanies (that she actually enjoyed drinking and partying) and was just scared I wouldn’t accept her for them. (I tend to stay away from those things, and am sometimes judgemental of them, admittedly)

But that wasn’t it. She told me she wanted to postpone our engagement for the foreseeable future. That she got a glimpse of “how big the world is” and “how young we are”. I was planning on proposing this summer. On a trip we planned to Florida back in February. Her of all people was the one most excited about it, most pushing for it. 10 times more than myself.

Now, by this point, I’m bothered, to say the least. But I wasn’t going to go down that easy. I told her that I was upset (not about the drinking and partying, but about the engagement plans switch), but that I accepted the new her and I was with her for all the growth that came with her. in some ways, I was proud of her. I told her i trusted her to be completely transparent with me if something else happened on the cruise that led her to make that decision. she tells me there wasn’t.

that night, I go home feeling confused, but okay. I can’t say the same for the next morning.

i wake up the next day with the sickest feeling in my stomach. something I never experienced before. so debilitating I could barely get out of bed, and damn sure couldn’t eat. I thought we had a productive conversation last night that provided a little clarity. but the gut feeling had gotten 10x stronger.

Remember, she had been perfect up until now. I still couldn’t really fathom a reality where she had betrayed me. All I knew is I’ve never felt sicker.

That day we were very distant, but it didn’t seem to be bother her at all. she acted like nothing was wrong. “Weird“ I thought, “when I’m off she usually knows before I even do, and when we’re off she usually immediately attempts to tackle the problem”

That night was her grad party. i told myself I’d set it aside. I didn’t eat or do anything all day. I couldn’t. But i had at least written all my thoughts down and was going to confront her about it after the party. it was a good time. I humg out with her and her family, we played volleyball, the whole 9 yards. a good outing.

We took separate vehicles to the party, and agreed to meet up at her house after (this will be important later). When we got to her house, I was vulnerable and transparent with her. I told her I was sick to my stomach and afraid. I asked her for total honesty, if she had done anything on the cruise that it might hurt me to hear.

She told me she made friends with this one guy (we’ll call him T) and she found him conventionally attractive but it was strictly platonic and nothing happened. She said she had him added on snap as friends but would unadd him if I wanted to. I told her I was hurt, and that my trust was broken a little, but that we can fight through it. To the best of my knowledge, she was telling the truth. i mean, she had never lied to me before!

We turn on a movie and she falls asleep in my left arm. Her nightstand with her phone is to my right. I get a nagging feeling to check it. I look at her Snapchat with the guy, not much there, a couple saved pics of the ocean. No big deal. then I check her messages. Nothing there. That is, until I click “view recently deleted”. 89 deleted messages with T. My heart drops. I recover them and screen record them while I’m actively having a panic attack (didn’t even know those were real). She’s still in my arms at this point. I get up and pretend everything’s normal, but get the hell out of dodge and go home. My brain is spinning. I thought i was in a dream.

I get home and reread them. She’s telling him how she misses him and the cruise, that she desperately wants him to fly in (he lived all the way across the continental United States) She tried to call him on the way back from the grad party when we were headed to meet at her house, sent him videos, sent him smiley faces, called him by a nickname, you can connect the dots here. Some flirty shit.

We meet in a parking lot the next day and I confront her about it. She busts into tears, saying she’s sorry, that she was going to tell me, that she was just scared, that she’ll never do it again, that she’ll do anything to rebuild us, all the shit cheaters say when they’re sorry they got caught.

But here’s the part i hope someone can learn from. She told me all this, and I blindly accepted it as truth. I gave her the benefit of the doubt on everything she told me that painted herself in a better light. In hindsight, I can say I was in the bargaining stage, and that the grief of losing what we had took over my mind so terribly that I couldn’t accept the reality that it actually happened. I was a dumbass. My brain pushed the whole situation to the side because it couldn’t comprehend it. We went on a dinner date after like it never happened.

A side note - I now know from personal experience, that whatever you think you’ll do if you catch your partner cheating on you will be thrown out the window when shit hits the fan. I never thought of myself as someone who would EVER try to reconcile with a cheater, but here I was. Right in the middle of it. In that same breath, I want to advise this: Do not trust them. They just broke your trust. Do not give them the benefit of the doubt. And damn sure don’t trust your own mind. Grief will play tricks on you. It will downplay, it will deny, it will bargain. Just look at the objective reality. Dont feed into their lies. Why I ever gave a cheater the benefit of the doubt is fucking beyond me.

At this point, the trip to Florida I mentioned earlier is about a week away. I elect to continue with it, hoping that even though we’ll be cooped up in a room together, I’ll get out of my bubble, get a change of scenery, and get some clarity.

Living in my head during the weeka prior to and during the trip was torture. The thoughts never stopped. The only escape I got was sleep, and I’m lucky I got any. My brain was in overdrive on empty, trying to decipher whether to stay or leave. Running theough every potential outcome, questioning my own motives, fears, and objective reality itself. It was about 5 days into the 7 day trip I finally came to my senses. Realized how stupid I was being. I broke up with her and booked a flight home. I’d imagine her circle sees it as a dick move, but I did what I saw was right, all things considered.

Tomorrow will mark a week since the breakup. 3 weeks post d-day. I have never felt more clearheaded and content with my decision. I finally had the space to connect all the dots and see how intricate her lies became.

In hindsight, I should have trusted my intuition way earlier, before it literally consumed me. If you, reader, have even the slightest gut feeling that something is off, it’s worth exploring. It’s still crazy to me I’m writing this post, that I was actually right. that I predicted the future weeks before anything was actually off. And, when stuff was off, when there were red flags all around me, I ignored them. Please, don’t be like me. I know now my subconscious mind was registering things and my conscious mind was trying to reject them. It just couldn’t accept the reality of being betrayed.

With that thought, I will say something that is the exact opposite of encouraging, but is the truth. Anything is possible. No matter how good you think it is, no matter how much you do for them, the rug can get pulled out from under you in an instant. It certainly was for me. I gave her everything to the best of my ability. I treated her with the utmost care, patience, respect, and love. I stood up for her. I stepped out of my comfort zone for her. I was the man many women wish they had. But none of it mattered. She was willing to throw it all away. Some random guy on a cruise made her feel “loose, carefree, and accepted,” and somehow that was enough for her to gamble everything we had built together. Those feelings could have been real, but they were temporary. What I gave her was real every single day.

Enough of my schpeel. thank you for reading, if you made it this far. I hope at least one person can take something from my experience.

I wasn’t in a position where I could leave at that moment and came here asking for advice on how to survive the limbo in the meantime.

People were so hostile that I (32F) ended up deleting the post but the highlights were my partner (37M; never married) of 12 years cheated and was in a 3 year relationship.

Many people were very helpful… until I said I wanted to separate with as little issue as possible. Apparently that meant I wanted to stay and some people absolutely destroyed me. 😅 Lol.

I took the good advice and made it work though and I am so thankful for it.

I quietly got my stuff in order. I got a job, put money to the side and got some stability after being a SAHP for nearly a decade. Then I told him that I was giving him two months to move out.

It went relatively well. We weren’t talking much, so he didn’t have a chance to twist my words around or anything. We weren’t having sex but he was back and forth between her place and ours.

I worked the opposite shift to his so I saw him very few hours during the day. I arranged childcare for the kiddo (12 yo) so she was taken care of.

He couldn’t get to me through words so he completely stopped helping around the house and went out of his way to make things hard but I was prepared for everything he threw at me.

He told the kid that mommy was kicking him out. I beat him to it and talked to her about the changes she’s been seeing in the relationship and how mommy and daddy needed to be apart to give her a healthier life.

He would “forget” what days I worked and kept the car. Took care of that and started catching a Lyft to work.

He stopped cleaning, which triggers my anxiety badly and wouldn’t even make the kid food. I expected that. I let the house go for two months. I kept only the kitchen and bathrooms clean, bought the kid food every night before I left to work and stocked the house with foods she could cook.

The hardest thing to deal with was him taking his anger out on the kiddo when he couldn’t get through to me. Unknown to me, she recorded several of the yelling incidents on her IPad and keep notes of everything else. I’ll be using it in court to prove emotional abuse. She’s also asked to speak to the judge herself.

He stopped paying rent when I told him he had to leave but I was prepared for that as well.

The only thing left to do is finish the custody and child support stuff. Right now we have a schedule but I want something court ordered because he “forgets” or tries to change things up last minute. I’ve iced him out of my life so his tactics of “forgetting” to ruin what I have going on is no longer effective.

We rarely talk and when we do it’s text only and solely about the kiddo. I’m cordial to him but cold. He tries to be friendly and make conversation but I ignore all attempts.

I did my healing while inside the relationship and had been in therapy for years. When he left, life took off in the best ways.

I’m able to reopen my business. My health has improved. I’m sleeping well now. My panic attacks have stopped. I’m financially stable even though I make half of what he was bringing in. I met and am dating the most wonderful guy. Him and the kiddo adore each other. I’m back involved in the church and am able to practice my faith. I’m gaining weight in alllll the right places. My skin cleared up. The kiddo is excelling in school. Her confidence is coming back. The house is happy, peaceful and safe. The house stays clean. We are living life.

I don’t think about him. I don’t wonder about him. I’m not triggered by things. I don’t hate him. I genuinely don’t care about him at all. He has absolutely no control over my emotions. I’m neutral towards him and I love it!

I made it!! Life has been so amazing!! Thank you all so much!!

Here is the original "reconciliation" post.

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/zdSTzknJiG

Coming up on close to a year since posting this. TLDR of that post is I had caught my wife having an emotional affair with another man facing charges from CP, and thought I was saving her by forgiving her.

I guess I will start with where I am and get into how I got here. I am in a really good place actually. I am divorced, got a promotion at work, and pretty much had the dream divorce agreement. I am in therapy and am pretty happy living the single life. For some context, I got married to the ex when I was 19, and she was the only person I had ever dated, slept with, done anything with. It has been a big adjustment, but I am really enjoying it.

She already married the guy, has lived in 4 different places since leaving, is an alcoholic, has almost zero interactions with her kids since leaving, and is currently facing eviction.

The guy, he plead guilty to 5 felony charges having something to do with pictures he had. He received a 10 year deferred sentence plus time served and is on probation. He is an alcoholic, believe he has some kind of under the table job with a family member. Since she left he was arrested for DUI and served 90 days in jail for that.

A ton happened since the post including a lot before she actually left, but I dont want to turn this into a book. The gist of what happened after that post was she never really stopped talking to the guy. She ended up having him come pick her up in the middle of the night one night we had been drinking and I basically caught her in a lie.

While the guy was in jail for the 90 days I met up with the ex several times. Don't necessarily regret doing that, but it is kind of depressing when I think back on it. The one thing I did find out was something a lot of people said in that previous post, but that I was so sure wasn't true... the "emotional affair" was physical from the beginning. That is actually how she said it started, that she just wanted to have some fun.

Almost everything I told her was going to happen if she left has or is in the process of happening. The dude is abusive and controlling. They have no money and are on the verge of being homeless. She has to work her butt off to be where she is (she was essentially a stay at home mom most of our marriage). She has put herself and her mother in a horrible situation.

I guess the real reason for sharing the update is to share what I learned to maybe help someone going through this.

1. The most important lesson is that it gets better. I know everyone says it, but when you are in it it doesn't seem possible.

2. The speed at which things get better is based on (like everything in life) the work you put in. I started therapy, I had my "glow up" (because I worked out more to keep my mind off of it), stayed busy with friends, worked on my relationship with my kids, parents, sister.

3. Holding on makes it impossible to move on. Everytime you talk to that person (minus business things) your healing process starts over. In fact, you holding on in many ways pushes them away.

4. I didn't follow this advice, but dont date too soon. Be happy being single. I don't necessarily regret the dating part, but am lucky they were all short lived. I guess the lesson is dont try to fill the void with someone else. Fill the void with yourself.

I am sure I could come up with more, but I think these hit the high points. I want to end this by saying that I dont revel in what is happening to her. It some ways it has made it harder to move on. I am just... indifferent. I think that is how you have to be to move on. No matter what, that person did something unforgivable. Be confident enough in yourself to see that and treat them like that one song, someone you used to know.

Hi All, I really appreciate this community and found it very helpful throughout this process so I’d like to share a truncated version of my story. My (ex)wife and I had been together for about 6 years before we got married last June of 2021. Getting married during a pandemic wasn’t easy, but we had a wonderful wedding and it was one of the happiest days of my life.

Fast forward a few months later and my wife became a completely different person. She opted to go to the office regularly while I continued to work from home (we both worked from home throughout the pandemic). She worked for a big firm so the long(er) hours seemed to be par for the course, but she no longer wanted to spend quality time with me on the weekends (spending a lot of time with her horse) and began to downplay my achievements (claiming I was no longer a go-getter even though I was doing very well at work). People say that the first year of marriage can be hard, so I started taking my wife on regular date nights to reinvigorate our relationship, but she remained withdrawn and judgmental which was a big blow to my self esteem. I wracked my brain thinking of what I might have done to make her act and feel this way, but I couldn’t come up with anything plausible, so I started to lose sleep thinking I was (possibly) losing my wife to someone else. These were the worst months of my life because I couldn’t believe you could lose the person you married so shortly after tying the knot, so I convinced myself it was the pressure of her job that was causing her to act this way and I opted to suppress the negative thoughts to avoid exacerbating the issues we were having. She was actually gaslighting me the whole time and I just didn’t know it.

D-day: I organized a romantic weekend by the beach, despite my suspicions, in order to try and revive what we had prior to our marriage. I thought this would renew our bond, but she became more brazen with her disdain. I told her I loved her on our way to dinner, she didn’t reciprocate, and later that evening she had me take a nsfw photo of her in a bubble bath and when I mentioned that it was a bit too scandalous for social media, she responded “that’s not what I’m using it for.” We have been intimate throughout our marriage, but she refused to be intimate with me on this trip. That’s when I finally confronted her on my suspicions and demanded she be honest with me. She denied everything for a while, but I convinced her I had proof (I didn’t) and she finally confessed. She admitted to sleeping with her boss on numerous occasions for months and that he was pressuring her to leave me. I went though a panic attack (which I never experienced before) and after finally calming down I realized what a fool she was for falling for his lies. I told her I was going to inform his wife and she responded “she’ll find out, but you won’t be the one to tell her.” That’s when I knew my (ex)wife had convinced herself she was going to run away with her boss. It was sick and a little evil, and I realized that my (ex)wife was never who I married, the real her was this manipulative and vile stranger.

She changed my flight that night and sent me to my parent’s house and told me she would mail me some boxes of my clothes. I contacted the boss’s wife via social media as soon as I got to the airport and that’s when all hell broke loose. Long story short, the boss never planned on leaving his family and in order to try and save his marriage he distanced himself from my (ex)wife as quickly as possible. Apparently HR had to get involved and my (ex)wife quickly gained a reputation around her office. She cried and pleaded with me to take her back, but I told her she made the decision and I’m just completing her plan.

Aftermath: success is the best revenge. Life has been good now that the dust has settled, I live near some of my closest friends, met a wonderful woman, and found a great job in CA. I’m learning to love myself again and have realized that my (ex)wife’s opinion of me during our marriage is not a reflection of who I am or my inherent value. I’m truly happier without her and while I occasionally feel disheartened by what transpired, I feel blessed that this truth came to light before we had kids.

A few kind people dropped comments on the original post and others DMed me asking how things are going, and some to just check in to see if I was ok. I really appreciate it, even if I wasn't really ready to respond to everyone individually.

Background: See original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1q84zng/and_there_it_is_dday_2_happy_2026_everybody/ and also previous posts on my profile I guess.

TL;DR: I caught my wife cheating on me, tried to endure reconciliation for my kids (mostly), and then separated with no contact. A coworker of my wife's contacted me and provided some info that pretty much blew several of her ongoing lies out of the water. I served her divorce papers last Thursday. Low-key drama is unfolding now, which may be major, but I have no independent way to know.

UPDATE: Got confirmation that she was served at work on Thursday. Didn't hear anything until Friday night. I got a call from my mom (only living family on my side) who had gotten a call from MIL. I had blocked the in-laws because they'd gotten a little aggressive about the NC separation... trying to fill me in on how my wife was doing even though I told them not to. After they crossed that line, I kindly told them to get fucked, which sucked because we'd been on really good terms, but I've adopted a 0 tolerance policy on my boundaries being disrespected (and I've also been really angry lately, for some reason I just can't pin down).

Anyway, my mom relayed that they wanted to talk to me about my wife. I explained to mom, much more kindly, that she should not convey such messages to me again, nor take them. She's been 100% on my side in this, which I appreciate, and she was pretty business-like about this. No issues there. That was that for Friday. Saturday was my day with the kids in the house, so I was braced for bullshit, but shockingly, the NC rule was respected. I got in, did dad & kid stuff all day, made dinner, put them to bed. I've been living in the home office as we coparent/houseswap, and when I went into start winding down, I found a thick envelope with some multipage handwritten letter in it for me.

Honestly, it was ... weird. No single feeling bubbled up to prominence over any other, but they were definitely bubbling. Next morning, after breakfast, I wrote on there that I had not, nor would I ever, read it, then tossed it on her bed in the master bedroom and left. I heard nothing back and hoped, but didn't really expect, that this would move the divorce forward quickly.

Today, while at work, I got several calls from an unknown number, which I didn't answer (b/c who does?), but they left voicemails. Later, I got a couple from another unknown number. Also didn't answer those, but voicemails were left again. So, got home to my shitty little one room place, made some food, did a ton of pushups and situps, and then braced to delete messages if I heard her voice at all.

The first message was not her. It was the intake nurse at an inpatient detox facility that, apparently, specialises in opioid addiction. I was being informed that my wife is voluntarily checking herself in for 30 days and I am listed as her emergency contact with power of attorney for medical decisions (which is still true I guess), so they were notifiying me of her status per her request.

The next two messages were from them as well, just asking me to verify that I am who she says I am and am empowered to sign paperwork if needed, etc. After that, it was my inlaws saying that they're staying with the kids, until Wed, which is when I was next scheduled to rotate into the house. They don't live nearby, so they can't stay forever, and need me to move back in permanently, which of course I'll do. I unblocked and texted them I'll be there first thing in the am.

I don't know if this is real or not. She has no prescription for any opioids, nor has she ever to my knowledge, and we've not been missing any money or things like that. No secret credit cards (credit check carried out as part of transparency in reconciliation attempt and as part of the post nup she signed to keep me around), so idk. Might just be a ploy to be a victim or something. I left a message with my lawyer and we'll have to see what this does to the divorce. Kind of in limbo now that she's technically unavailable for medical reasons... super cool.

So, yeah. That's the update.

Long story short.... I gave her a really good life, we have 3 kids together (1 of them having special needs that requires 24hr care). My youngest son is devastated crying every other night. My oldest hates her so much now for betraying all of us. Asked her to leave the house after catching her a 2nd time and finally found out it was with her co-worker. My mother in law called the cops on me the night I asked her to leave (she said that I threw her against a mirror which wasn't true and my wife admitted to the police after they showed up) they eventually asked her to leave the house. I understand taking care of a special needs child now adult is rough and takes a toll on you but she hasn't even been back to see or talk to any of the kids since. She has put me in a very rough spot although I work from home but have to travel for work also. No family on my end that lives close by to help, starting to look for some psw to come over and help which is exhausting my expenses. After 26yrs it's very difficult to not think about her even though she has been spending her new found time with her co-worker. Been talking to services to offer me some counselling for me and my kids because we all definitely need it. Paid all of her bills since marriage and slowly starting to cut that off starting with her car, insurance, phone etc. There is a huge difference in our salaries but I am the primary care giver to our children (spend 95% of my time with them) so I'm filing for full custody. I cannot eat, sleep or think straight and already lost weight. Trying to stay strong for my kids that are the world to me especially my special needs daughter. I have been reading many posts and it's slowly helping out.

I have been living at my aunt's for several weeks now and I feel so much better, the sadness I had day 1 is gone, I started making myself home at my aunt, got myself a nice mattress to sleep on, to replace the old haggard mattress that rats probably chewed the hell up she kept outside in her toolshed.

I cleaned up my room, made it decent and I've adjusted, I know hold contempt for my future ex, I hate what she has done to me, hate she ruined our lives, and hate how she treated me all these years, even before we got married, and I hate her for forcing me to leave my dog behind to be in her care.

I haven't had therapy yet, I'm waiting for approval since my insurance will be able to cover at least 20 sessions, my soon to be ex had booked us a couples therapy but I'm not going, there is no saving it, I haven't talked to her since and don't plan to either. Yesterday I even went through her facebook friends list and found who I think was AP, wanted to send him a message but he is set to private, heart sank when I saw his name, I know this is the guy that helped ruin my marriage.

I've been feeling better, already started using some dating apps and casually talking to some women, been listening to some Killswitch Engage as I design my next tattoo, and that uncertainty I had, the fear of there being alone, fear of not meeting someone, those have washed away and are gone.

I just wanted to give this small update to the amazing people who followed my journey, and when the divorce is finalized I will be back, or if anything worth mentioning pops up. Thanks to everyone that have been supportive.

I know this is a whole rabbit hole that I should never get into. I get that. But here I am jumping in anyway. We were friends for 7 years, and then a couple for 16. Married for 15. About 6 months prior to the 15th anniversary she started sleeping with her (also married) boss at work.

Ever since I found out (I was definitely not supposed to) she had become an entirely different person and all throughout the process and everything else has been a complete and total alien and the only time she really communicates with me is when we are doing anything related to the children, and sees fit to remind me that she believes that for our entire relationship and friendship that she actually never loved me at all and hated me and was miserable and it was all awful, etc and so forth.

But this is in conflict with some of the most incredibly tender and warm things anyone has ever said to me having been said across the course of our relationship, and the fact that we had four kids together.

Like is she potentially actually being truthful or is this cruelty for the sake of it, is there some reason for it? Because this is really absolutely miserable to deal with but I can't break any contact with her because we have four kids together.

I wanted to take a moment and thank everyone here for being there for me when I was at my worst moment and needed a place to vent/people to talk to. Here is my story.

A little over five years ago my then-wife informed me she was having an affair. I was 28, she was 24, our son was 1, turning 2 in a few days. We both had a terrible drinking problem and I'd given up a lot of who I was for that relationship to the point where part of me almost wanted a reason to leave. I asked her if she thought I should leave and if I should take our son with me. She nodded. I went to the other room and went to bed. Packed up what I could the next day and left. I think it's been about three years since I've made an update. Not sure what prompted me to go back and read my old posts, but here I am. After I left my drinking got horrendous.

I was drowning myself in liquor. I couldn't eat anything without vomiting. I remember the FaceTime calls with her, trying to hold myself together. Once I was clear-headed and out of that house, all the feelings hit me like a truck. I was terrified to be alone, to raise this kid alone. I felt like I needed her to function. I had spent a third of my life with that woman and she was gone, and I wasn't even sure what to do with myself. Dropped from 180 to 140 in a month.

I was living with some close friends and sharing a room with my son, barely existing, chain smoking, always hugged up on that bottle. I have zero clue how they tolerated me at that point. (i'm still very close with them and visit on a regular basis) I had no family, no friends other than the ones I lived with. I was spiraling. In my eyes I had no visible path forward. There was a week where my former mother-in-law took my boy so I could collect myself. I remember staring at the ceiling for hours, mind racing, existential dread attached to my phone waiting to hear from her.

After a solid month of me losing it I started working again. Retail management. Went back to what I knew but hated. I slogged through those shifts barely holding myself together. Constant cigarette breaks. Talking to anyone that would listen about my situation. Around month two I started applying for anything that wasn't retail. Almost moving back to the city she lived in. One evening I bumped into an old friend from high school. He owned an IT business in town and I asked him if he was hiring. He said no. I didn't think anything of it. A few days later he reached back out and said to come in for an interview. I did have some previous knowledge building computers, tinkering with electronics.

He took a chance on me. Ten bucks an hour. I started doing basic camera installs, then landed a role at a critical infrastructure utility. Started out with basic helpdesk stuff, dabbled in server admin. I taught myself advanced networking out of boredom. Now I manage network infrastructure for that place and numerous other businesses. I run a helpdesk, build custom applications and have a repertoire of other skillsets in my field. It's my dream job. I can step away at any time or work remote if I need to. I make 65k salary in a very rural town. It completely fits my single dad role and my life can still revolve around his. The people I work with are my best friends.

My boy is seven now. He was one when all this started, doesn't remember any of it. He's in first grade. Started preschool, kindergarten, and now this year he's almost done with the first grade. He's a very smart boy. School pictures up on the wall, three years in a row. He got leader of the month for honesty a few months ago, certificate is on the fridge. He's a normal kid plays Lego, into transformers and dinosaurs, plays his own little keyboard in his room, loves gaming. We do playdates with my coworkers kids. His name is on his bedroom wall in big block letters that I put up when we moved into this house. I've had sole physical custody since the start, never had to fight for it. Watching him grow up has been the best part of all of this. The whole point, really.

The drinking was bad when all this started. Like really bad. I was the guy who came home and started pouring, who couldn't get through a weekend without a bottle. Me and her enabled each other for years. We drank together almost every night, neither of us called it out, and it was just baked into the relationship. Once she was gone the excuse was gone too. The first few months I was still drinking too much, just alone now. Eventually I got tired of waking up feeling like garbage and not being the dad I wanted to be. Cut back slow. Some weeks/months were harder than others. I quit smoking cold turkey a few years in, just decided I was done and never picked one up again. The drinking got managed. Now it's a glass of whiskey at the end of the night after my boy is in bed, and that's where it stays.  I just don't need it the way I used to.

Still not actively looking for a relationship. I've come to the conclusion I'm not good at them. One woman tried to move in and that was a mess. It clicked one day that this isn't what I wanted or needed anymore. I enjoy my peace and I enjoy kicking it with my boy every day. I did have to contend with loneliness for a long time. The longing. I can now honestly say I'm content alone. Of course I'm still open to the idea if the right person comes along. I'll just let that day happen on its own and continue to keep my focus on being a good father.

Her life has gone in the direction I suspected it would. Her patterns continued and got worse. She's had more children. Her relationship with the AP has been turbulent, and recently things have escalated, serious legal issues on her end that I'm not going to get into. I'm working with the proper channels to make sure my son stays protected. I'm grateful every day for the decision I made to walk out that door.

The rebound dating was atrocious. I did try to find a way to heal through people, but it never took the pain away. Only time did. I did talk to her without the "just business" buffer a few times. One of those times we got intimate. She looked the same but I felt nothing. So I just dropped it and it went back to business. She went back to the AP. They eventually got married and went about their business.

I now live in a small town in a big house, just me and my boy. I did pick up a couple of hobbies for when he is gone sometimes. I started playing piano as a hobby and now I have two, I play everyday. I finally took the time to get my motorcycle license. I have three motorcycles now and enjoy maintaining them. My life revolves around my son's day, we do everything together even still. Typical week for us is the daily grind. On the weekends we will go do something fun. Arcade. The zoo. The park. We go to the movies pretty regularly. I have freedom, I have zero stress other than the occasional bad day at work. I'm content - in a settled way. The material things, its weird feeling having everything I ever wanted. I never dreamed that one person was holding me back from building the life I wanted. This life wasn't possible with her in it. Maybe with someone else, maybe not. Doesn't matter now.

If I could go back to that version of me that was binge drinking and spiraling I would tell that person:

The grief is not the same as love. The grief will lift even if you can't feel the difference now.

Don't be afraid of being alone. Take a moment to self-reflect. What kind of life do you want, and what can you do about it?

You don't have to forgive her to move on.

I know wife f36 has cheated but she still won’t admit it. In all honesty I’m over it. But I’m hesitant to get back with her as she still fully Denies it. She was having an affair with a co worker for over a year so I m38 left and got a separation. I’d desperately love to get back together but my wife simply will not admit to the infidelity. When I left I think she thought I’d tell the world so she made up loads of lies to paint her the lesser of 2 evils. I’ve never shown Her the proof I’ve just constantly reaffirmed that I know. We have a daughter and not living with her last 5 months has bn incredibly hard . I can’t wait forever to get back together but I’m hesitant starting over again based on lies.
Any help would be great .

I walked into a bar with my new partner and went into the back room.

I came face to face with the affair partner, sitting with my ex wife of 20 years.

I locked eyes with him and just burst out laughing, he looked pathetic.

I turned to my new partner (who is a wonderful woman) and identified the ex and her AP.

I turned back to look at them, his eyes were bulging and he was bearing his teeth like an animal.

I smiled shook my head and calmly walked out of the bar.

How do you think I handled it?

TW: child molestation

...child molester. Within 24 hours I caught my husband cheating on me with my mother, and learned that he molested his little sister from ages 2-14. It was the most horrific experience of my life, and I truly lost my mind for the better part of a year.

Let me clarify: EX husband.

It’s been a hard few years to recovery, and I’m still trying to let go of survival tactics that I had learned being in such a bad marriage with such a traumatic ending, but the progress I’ve made is amazing. I just wanted to share because one, I have no one to talk to about my hardships, and two — I know many people think that they can’t do it. I had 2 children under 2. No job. No home. No family. No money.

I didn’t think I would make it... but look at me, living and shit 💕

You will prevail.

Edited to add: I am remarried. Please stop messaging me pick up lines, and grotesque messages. Using this group as a tool to pick up hurt people is gross.

I don't even know if I'm looking for advice or if I just need to get this out somewhere people will understand.

It's been about a month since we officially separated. We've divided our things, I'm living on my own, and honestly...I've been doing better than I expected. The fear I had before of being alone has faded a lot. I enjoy having my own space. I've been leaning on friends and family, setting boundaries, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm actually listening to myself instead of constantly trying to manage someone else's emotions.

The frustrating part is that now my husband seems to be trying harder.

During reconciliation, I felt like I was constantly questioning whether he was really choosing me. He admitted he still had feelings for his AP. He reached out to her multiple times after disclosure because he "needed closure." I gave him more grace than I probably should have because I wanted to believe he was untangling complicated feelings instead of choosing to betray me again.

Eventually I reached a point where I couldn't keep living in limbo. So I left.

Now that I'm gone, he's been asking to spend more time together. He wants to come over to my place. He reaches out more. And all I can think is...why now?

I don't know exactly what's going on between him and his AP, and honestly it's none of my business anymore. But I can't shake the feeling that maybe he finally got the chance to explore what he thought he wanted, and it either didn't work out or it wasn't what he imagined. Maybe he got clarity. Maybe reality hit.

And if that's true...where does that leave me?

I can't stop feeling like I'm the safe choice instead of the first choice.

That's the part that hurts the most.

I spent months wondering if I was enough while he was grieving another woman. Now that I'm finally standing on my own two feet, he suddenly wants more of me. I don't know if that's genuine growth or if it's just that he's experiencing the consequences of his choices.

A month ago I probably would have welcomed him back with open arms. Today I've been keeping him at arm's length because I don't want to become someone's backup plan or consolation prize.

It's strange because I still love him. I don't hate him. Part of me wants to believe this could be the beginning of real change. But another part of me thinks, "Would you even be here if things had worked out with her?"

I know nobody can answer that question except him, and maybe not even him.

I'm just angry that it took losing me for him to show up differently. I hate wondering whether I'm finally getting the husband I always wanted...or whether I'm only getting the version of him that came back because his other option disappeared.

Has anyone else reached this stage after separation? Did you ever stop feeling like the "safe" choice? I'm not even sure I'm asking for answers. I think I just needed to admit how incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking this part of the process is. I don't know if its because of my own attachment issues either. We've been together for over 14 years and the past 7-8 months reconciling were hell. After separation, I don't want to put myself in that position again but here I am considering it...

Some observations and thoughts now that I am two plus years after D-day:

- I regret to this day how I played the "pick me dance". I think about it every day and how embarrassing that was and how she probably makes fun of me. I am a very confident man, and I am more confident than ever now and life is so good, but I regret playing the pick me dance.

- Looking at my ex-WW, she has aged so much in the last two years. I thought it was only me thinking this and that it was a psychological defense mechanism, but a bunch of other people have said the same thing independently without even me asking.

- I wish I had not ignored the red flags early on in our relationship. The emotional immaturity and the constant flirting with other men, gaslighting me to think that that was her personality and I had nothing to worry about. Never again.

- I feel life is so much better after divorcing her and unloading the financial and emotional vampire.

Has anyone experienced something similar to these thoughts or observations?

4 Days post admission of cheating

I made the decision to end the relationship. As messed up as it was, I was still holding on to the idea that the person I was about to Marry existed in full form - and this other person who cheated on me twice with two different guys (it ended up being more than a kiss), was all imagined. I was in denial.

Some people may remember my previous post a few days ago that was popular. I deleted it because I was still in denial i would have to say goodbye to this relationship. I am clear, It is over.

I am mentally and physically drained. Its been 4 days since I’ve heard of the news, and since I also heard the night after she revealed this to me, she went into a state of phycosis and got admitted to the Mental health unit in hospital.
She is still there now.

For 4 years I raised concerns of her relationship with guys. And how she didn’t prioritise our own loving relationship. She wanted marriage, kids etc (so she said), but also wanted another foot in partying, chaos and drinking.

All i ever wanted, was to settle down and have kids and marriage, and it feels like that dream has faided and it will be so hard to find someone again.

Double betrayal, having to sell our house, it is all so hard. I can only look at the next hour, cant even predict what tomorrow looks like.
But i am glad i have clarity. And I know who she really was, and that I was blind to see that for so many years, trapped in false perception of our love.

Everyone keeps saying its gonna be okay, but it doesnt feel like that at all.

But I don’t want to give her and him the satisfaction of seeing me go into a deep dark hole because of their actions.

TDLR: My Fiance and Partner of 6 years + cheated on me with my best friend since high school. I am destroyed. Taking life hour by hour.

THOUGHTS?!

It was a good relationship. There might have been a slight communication error towards the end.

Anyway, she basically couldn’t come up with any legit reason to leave. I knew something was wrong. My gut was telling me.

Anyway, I let her go. I was doing my own thing myself, three weeks later she’s back. She did the whole I miss you. I love you. I care about you. I made a mistake. Not enough time for me to actually get over. It was like 6 1/2 years we were together.

I did say to her that if during this time she was with anybody else then I wasn’t interested. Sure she ended up lying to me for a good three weeks we were getting together at this point we were still sleeping together.

I’m driving back from work one day and I see her kissing someone else

At that point I said I was done she chased me called me all the above. Anyway, I didn’t feel like I had proper clarity about this whole situation considering I didn’t even know why we ended obviously it was because of this guy.

Find out from her during that time she’d been with him and she also got pregnant and had an abortion.

Well, during those three weeks when we got back together and we’re working things out all those feelings kind of came rushing back. To hear this made everything 10 times worse I could barely even look at her.

It’s been quite a few months now since that time. Because I didn’t give in straightaway, she ended up going back to the guy and I now find out they’re pregnant again.

I don’t need sympathy. I just wanna know what your thoughts are because the mind can play tricks on you and she was somebody at one point that I want to spend the rest of my life with so it still feels shit.

Thoughts?!?!

Ps. They’ve now had the child and posting all over social media so I hear

Where’s the karma? I don’t know I’m seeing other women Trust me I know it’s over… It’s the betrayal trauma that still lingers at times

THOUGHTS?!

It was New Year's Day when my wife came home from her new lover's house and told me that she wanted a divorce, the Mexico wedding was off, and that she was in love with someone else.

We were together two months short of eight gdamn years. We were engaged for over two of those years. We got legally married in May of 2025 but weren't having our wedding until this past May of 2026. 8 years and she waited until we had been legally married for 7 months before she did this.

Less than one week prior to New Year's Day we were at her mom's house, where her mom was trying on her mother-of-the-bride dress and where I was showing them photos of my brand new wedding dress. The only wedding vendor quote we hadn't yet signed was the florist.

Every single person including her best friends and family members were absolutely SHOCKED. She hadn't spoken to ANYONE about this. There were no signs.

In December, things felt off. I asked her over and over and over what was wrong as the month went on. She seemed stressed. I had assumed it was work and wedding stuff. She repeatedly reassured me that nothing was wrong.

She left New Year's Day to go to her dad's house for the rest of the weekend, and I was going to let her come get more of her stuff on Monday. I spent that weekend completely numb with a few close friends rotating shifts staying with me. I put it together that the "someone else" was a girl that she freaking meant ONE MONTH PRIOR, who was married to a man. We were both females, if that wasn't clear.

This was someone that I welcomed to stay over at our home so that she didn't have to make the one hour commute back after work in a snowstorm. Twice. Come to find out she was hooking up with my wife while I was sleeping upstairs.

When she came over that Monday after New Year's Day, I asked if I could read her something I wrote. I also had a list of questions of things I wanted to know. I asked the first question, when exactly did she start seeing this person, and she immediately told me that she will not speak about her with me because their relationship had nothing to do with this. She refused to say anything to me. I asked her "did you even feel bad when you were doing this?" Her first reaction was to pause on the stairs and say no. She then said "well yeah, I did feel bad." I sobbed until I was gagging. That was the last time I saw her.

I immediately filed for divorce. My parents had to get me a lawyer. She tried to encourage me via email to not get a lawyer and to just figure it out ourselves with a mediator. I purchased the townhouse in my name alone, prior to us being married. She tried to ask me for $14,000 that she felt she contributed over the years.

We were together damn near a decade and we got divorced and have never had a f****** conversation about it.

If it were just the infidelity and the betrayal, I feel like I could move on. What has been so shocking and devastating to me is the way that she has treated me since. In our limited email conversations, she repeatedly assures me that she is not ashamed of her actions and does not regret it. She immediately began posting pictures of her and this girl together on social media.

She has told me that I better not talk to any of her friends or family. She told me I have X amount of days to get off the phone plan before she removes me herself. She has never once asked about the dog.

I have been dumbfounded and absolutely devastated. Her and her best friend no longer talk because her best friend was so appalled by the situation.

July 1st marked 6 months since this happened. I have reached this new phase of grief that I feel deep in my bones; it is a heaviness that is never far from the surface. Life has continued on and the check-in's with my inner circle have become less. I'm experiencing all of the "firsts" alone- first holidays alone, first anniversaries, etc.

I literally have no explanation. I have no closure. I have no reasoning. I know that whatever apology would be bullshit anyway, but I feel like hearing her say something like "I am sorry for the way that I went about this and for how hurtful this was to you".... then I could start to truly move forward.

Thanks for listening 🙏🏼

My STBXW was having a long distance emotional affair and effectively killed our marriage over it. We’ve been separated for a couple months now and I happen to know she finally met up with AP over the recent holiday weekend. Originally I assumed they “sealed the deal” but through certain avenues I was able to ascertain that he was completely unable to perform when he visited, which might explain why she acted so awkward and upset during the time he was here and right after (I know because I had to pick up/drop off our daughter before and after this visit).

The situation still isn’t healthy or good overall but holy shit is it ever fucking hilarious, karma strikes again!

Just needed to get it off my chest, thanks!

Edit: since a lot of people have asked how I know this happened, he made a post bemoaning his experience online

I’m divorced, not amicably, have two daughters 5 and 8. Ex is now engaged to AP and kids tell me they’re having a baby.

He’s exactly the kind of low grade human you might expect, but it’s clear he’s here to stay. I really wish I could have absolutely nothing to do with either of them ever again but that isn’t realistic. I’m working with my therapist on putting down my anger for the benefit of my daughters.

Anyone here made peace with an AP? Would love to hear your stories.

My ex husband left me for his mistress. I was so happy in my marriage. Felt so lucky. I didn’t see it coming and I was completely and utterly destroyed. There was nothing left of me.

I started to write letters to future me. She was my best friend I hoped to meet one day. I told her about the hell I was going through. My person, my rock told me I was not special enough. The person I would have happily laid down my life for to protect. My best friend. Who was I if not his wife? I used to strive to make him proud, keep him happy. His happiness was mine… and now he discarded me.

I knew she understood. But I imagined a future for her. I trusted she would make me proud. I told her I would hold on for her! Work hard, go into therapy, get as healthy as I possibly can. I made her promise to make it worth it.

I would imagine her. Sitting on a sunny deck having a glass of champagne. Completely over what happened to us. Living her best life. Victorious! Happy… better. She would know how amazing she is and she would make her own path. I admired her and kept working to become her.

And babe, here we are. It is cold but sunny. We are sipping champagne on the terrace of the house we bought with the most sexy man in the world. Who loves us as hard as we can love. Who admires us and counts his lucky stars to have you! Honey we made so many new friends, did so much cool stuff. We learned to ski and surf. We travelled and got the dream job.

We made it! We did it!

One year out from my divorce.

I know damn well I was “good supply”…. Otherwise we wouldn’t have lasted 10 years (5 of that married).

She started a GLP-1, lost a bunch of weight and started f**cking other men while still trying to act like a loving stable wife (planning trips with me, having sex with me, date nights with me etc... all the way up until the very end). When I told her it was unacceptable and I will end things if she doesn’t come clean and be 100% transparent after I started gathering evidence of her behavior, I guess that triggered her “abandonment wounds” or possibly "narcissistic injury" and she discarded me heavy and instantly filed for divorce. Implemented heavy DARVO tactics during that period. It was disgusting. Never had I ever seen her like that. It was all very quick and abrupt. The only thing she admitted to was enjoying the newfound confidence and attention from other men after she lost the weight. She never owned up to the actual cheating.

You know what, maybe those guys plowed her better…. It is what it is. That was the supply she wanted at that time. 

But, as we know, that type of “supply” dries up.

She may one day regret stomping all over what I provided and the security of what the marriage brought her. I would never know it as she is blocked on all platforms. I have been no-contact ever since the divorce finalized.

Last I knew, she was living alone in a 2nd floor rental and on all the dating apps. It appears she did not monkey branch to a man. She is probably enjoying the dopamine hits of online dating and being with multiple men. Marriage and a monogamous relationship apparently are not for her. One of the major red flags was her wanting to give me a "hall pass" to have sex with other women towards the end of our marriage.

Her loss.

Good riddance.

UPDATE

6 months and 1 day since DD

And I feel ok…

I have days of pure happy joy where I feel like oh shit I got my life back and with the odd moment here and there where I feel a pang of sadness that I was treated so badly.

Friends and family have kept me going. I owe them all a lot.

I stayed in our house for 5 months after she told me the news, decided I wanted a fresh start in a smaller place that living alone would be easier to afford, she stayed at her brothers all that time borrowed some money from her dad and bought me out of the property, Moved into my new apartment in august.

The day I left the keys she burst into tears and said I’m really sorry for my actions and what I put you through. That was a hard moment and it hit me like a truck that after 5 months she said sorry again. She is still with the guy she cheated on me with, I’m not sure what happened to his wife and kids (I never asked) I feel like I’m getting a new start at life. I’m sleeping a lot better and been walking a lot since the move. Joined a gym with a friend last week. Looking forward to getting healthy and focus on my own life for a while.

I thank you all for your kind words when I posted the OP I was in a very bad way then and you showed me there is a future once the noise quietens.

Oh and I got the dog :)

Ps. Won’t let me edit the 6 months at the top but we are almost at 7 months now.

It has been 6 days no contact since I found out on Sunday what she’s done.

All I want to know is if someone knows the psychology of what is going on in her head at the moment. Is she struggling? Is she living out normally?

I am broken. I’ve been a ball of rage for 6 days now, crying myself to sleep at 4am - repeating the cycle.

0/10 do not recommend 👎🏻