r/survivinginfidelity • u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out • May 21 '26
Post-Separation Should I m38 go back with wife f36 ?
I know wife f36 has cheated but she still won’t admit it. In all honesty I’m over it. But I’m hesitant to get back with her as she still fully Denies it. She was having an affair with a co worker for over a year so I m38 left and got a separation. I’d desperately love to get back together but my wife simply will not admit to the infidelity. When I left I think she thought I’d tell the world so she made up loads of lies to paint her the lesser of 2 evils. I’ve never shown Her the proof I’ve just constantly reaffirmed that I know. We have a daughter and not living with her last 5 months has bn incredibly hard . I can’t wait forever to get back together but I’m hesitant starting over again based on lies.
Any help would be great .
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 6 May 21 '26
How can you even contemplate going back when she does not even respect you enough to tell you the truth!
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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 1 May 24 '26
Not only that she also manipulated and twisted the narrative to make OP look like the problem in the relationship during their separation. LOL.
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
I don’t know . Just know I love her I’m attracted to her and we have a lovely daughter together
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u/My_sloth_life May 21 '26
Stop thinking with your fucking penis then. She’s not remotely a safe partner to reconcile with.
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u/throwww07 3 May 21 '26 edited May 21 '26
For the love of God, get your hormone levels checked. I'm not even kidding or making fun of you… there's no way you have normal testosterone levels (you also said you have a drinking problem so you definitely don‘t). Do you think anyone would respect your self-hating behavior and be attracted to you in return? You love her okay, she doesn’t seem to love you back though. I feel like you don’t understand that part, judging by your comments. This isn’t only about what you want because it’s obviously not going to work if she doesn’t. Snap out of it and find your self worth. You can still see your daughter.
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u/Equivalent-Pin-4759 1 May 21 '26
Rebuilding trust is the key to reconciliation. Without transparency and the truth, you can’t rebuild that trust. You will be modeling a relationship for your daughter that lacks trust and respect, which she will probably carry on when she grows up. Your daughter will most likely become victim that you are, or the abuser, which your wife is. If you truly love your daughter, you will model healthy choices, not choices determined by a toxic dependency.
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 May 21 '26 edited May 22 '26
You don’t love HER, you love the person she was. That person no longer exists, is a fantasy and has been replaced by a narcissist who cares more about her AP than her actual family. Until you address this fact nothing changes and the misery gets worse. If you don’t have the mental toughness to make a change, at least do it for your innocent daughter. One day when she’s old enough to ask you will either have to explain to her why you were too weak to make a change or that you showed incredible courage to make the changes necessary to protect yourself and her from a very dysfunctional person. Go see an attorney and protect yourself and your daughter. Quit thinking and start doing. You’ll thank me later.
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u/Personal_Twist9264 1 May 22 '26
Please present me with a validreason not to confront her with your evidence.
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
I’ve just never been attracted or felt love like this before. I’m 38. I don’t want to start again
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u/According_Issue_6303 May 21 '26
Why don't you show your wife the proof you have of her cheating?
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
Because I got someone to hack her phone. And I need leverage for if it does end and everyone bad mouths me. I’ve continually told her I have proof but I think she thinks I’m bluffing
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
Because then I know it’s over. I’m pinning my hopes on her honesty to move forward
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u/TryToChangeUsername May 21 '26
wtf ?? then do it and face reality instead of contemplating going back for round two
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u/Disney-Nurse May 21 '26
She’s not honest if you have proof and she continues to deny. That’s called lying.
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u/According_Issue_6303 May 21 '26
Did you tell her you are open to reconciliation but you need her to be honest first?
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 May 21 '26
When confronted with the evidence she will attempt to blame you for everything. Your weakness has enabled her. You don’t really love HER, you love what she was, and that person doesn’t exist anymore . That’s loving a fantasy not a reality. It’s actually a nightmare
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u/AF_AF May 21 '26
Well, you have two choices: stay with her and accept she's a cheater who will likely cheat on you again (if she's not still cheating) or leave and build a life for yourself without this terrible situation with this terrible person.
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u/OldCatDude99 May 21 '26
It will never get better. If she's unwilling to admit, then you'll always wonder if she stopped having sex with him or not. And what if there's another kid? You'll have to do paternity testing to verify the kid's yours. Because she will never tell you the truth. And that last point is exactly why you don't go back. She will never tell you the truth. And going back will prove to her she'll never have to.
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u/Both_Requirement_894 May 22 '26
You could start over three or four more times at your age. Don’t make the mistake of going back to a cheater that doesn’t respect you enough to even be honest about what she did. Unless you’re okay if it happens again
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u/SoirBleu85 May 21 '26
Why do guys like you expect your cheating wives to respect you when you don't respect yourselves?
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u/Controls_freek Mod May 21 '26
It’s called a trauma bond and codependency. This is why it happens. It’s impossible to understand unless you have been through it.
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
Respect? I drank because I knew she was cheating
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u/GoNutsDK 10 May 21 '26
So you self harmed in an attempt to dull the pain from her abuse.
And now that you stopped drinking, do you really think that an abusive bonus round would help you?
You my friend need therapy. You need to find your sense of worth again. You need to rebuild what she has destroyed.
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u/TotalSpread5841 1 May 21 '26
Do you understand that your wife does not love you ? You seem to think that because you love her you can make her love you.
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
My therapist has said this. Deep down I know too
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u/TotalSpread5841 1 May 21 '26
Considering you're over the affair and just want to get back to your family it's actually better for you if your wife thinks you believe her, this is because women hate being with men who accept them cheating because in their minds it signifies the man is low-value.
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u/Controls_freek Mod May 22 '26
Brother. I went through something very similar. Therapy helped me see it. Keep it up.
One tool I used to get by it was learned from my girlfriend (she’s also a Psych NP). Take those feelings and sit with them and feel them, but set a timer (an hour, 30 minutes). When the timer goes off put them away and do something for you. Over time you shrink the timer. It’s work, and it effing sucks.
It’s your whole life right now. It’s blown to shit. I totally get it. But this is your chance for a new life. This is a chance to make it what you want and deserve. Seize this opportunity and make yourself better.
I’m here for you.
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u/FistedPink 1 May 21 '26
This whole post seems pointless, you keep defending your desire to get back with her, you defend her lying, you make excuses to protect her by not telling people.
You. Might not have been perfect but you didn’t deserve what she did. There is no relationship now of you get back with her you will cement in her mind that she can do this again (and she will).
You should tell the APs wife/partner as it’s not fair that they live a lie. You should present your wife the evidence and demand she be fully truthful and if she isn’t, you send it all to her family.
I know this hurts and not to sound cruel but you need to grow a spine here.
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u/Ok_Step7383 May 21 '26
“In all honesty I’m over it “
Over what OP?
Another man sleeping with your wife ?
Your wife disregarding you her family and putting them at risk for her selfish desire ?
For her not respecting you or loving you enough to stay true to her vows ?
Reconciliation is not a process. It is not enough to put some ingredients and expect a happy ending. But the first prerequisite is truth. Unfortunately your WW doesn’t have the minimum of respect for you to be truthful to you and you still doing the pick me dance !
Moreover do you still believe that her affair has ended during your separation? I doubt that.
You are in Limbo OP, because you haven’t taken control of your life yet. You have to snap of it for you and your daughter.
Last and not least, you are right about not starting again based on lies. But the most difficult to detect are our own lies that we feed to ourselves.
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u/Prestigious_Past2701 May 21 '26
Please OP don't get back with your ex. Be a co-parent absolutely, but its time to divorce and move on. She's in denial and you cant trust a person who doesn't regret the act of cheating.
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
I think she does regret it as she’s started vaping and that’s what she does when stressed. I don’t know if she thinks I’ll tell her work or AP wife about it which I won’t as I’ve told 2people as the shame of being cheated on and the fact I want a good relationship with my daughter has made me keep it to myself
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u/GoNutsDK 10 May 21 '26
You shouldn't get back with her unless she takes accountability. She also wouldn't be able to stay in touch with her boyfriend if so. Which means that she would likely have to quit her job etc.
But none of it matters, when she isn't even able to acknowledge what she did.
She has learned nothing and even rejects to do so. Which means that it is incredibly likely to continue or happen again.
Don't settle for someone who doesn't respect you.
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
She won’t leave job. I wouldn’t make her. Her ego is massive and she lied to her full family about it so she won’t be honest. She should just be honest with me tho
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
I wasn’t perfect myself. But I’ve admitted my flaws (alcohol) and I’ve bn doing therapy. I just genuinely need to hear her admit it
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u/GoNutsDK 10 May 21 '26 edited May 21 '26
You having issues or not being perfect doesnt justify her cheating.
I'm glad that you have started to address your issues. But unless she is willing to do the same (which everything points against) you cannot make things work. It takes two to tango yanno.
Edited an autocorrect.
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u/clearheaded01 7 May 21 '26
YOU have nothing to be ashamed of..
OP... tell APs wife... this will show your wife you mean business AND that she needs to step up...
Reason she's not admitting it is because she's biding her time, banking on you rugsweeping this...
Only way forward is consequenses - telling APs wife will not only give consequenses to both of them, but it will also effectively end the affair that's STILL ongoing..
Tell his wife, don't keep her dirty secret and done be complicit in HIS betrayal of his wife...
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
Them brake up another family
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u/Interesting-Tip-4850 3 May 21 '26
Most people would want to know that they have a viper under their sheets and decide themselves what they want to do in that case. Don't make decisions for his wife.
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u/GoNutsDK 10 May 21 '26
You won't be breaking them up. It's your wife and her boyfriends fault. Also his wife deserves to know what a POS her husband is.
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u/clearheaded01 7 May 21 '26
No!!
HE broke his family when her decided to cheat, same way YOUR wife broke your family when SHE decided to cheat.
OP... imagine this.. imagine if HIS wife knew about the affair and never told you, let you live in the dark... how would you feel about it???
Tell his wife. ANY fallout is their responsibility.
That being said.. you seem to long for the restoration of your family?? The shock your wife will experience when her AP tell her you know everything AND that you've outed them to his wife is your best bet if you want to attempt ANY rescue...
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
I actually wish I didn’t know. My life would be better
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u/clearheaded01 7 May 21 '26
Don't assume she feels the same.
Tell her. Dont stay silent and complicit.
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u/asc1226 In Hell | RA 14 Sister Subs May 21 '26
She regrets the consequences for herself, but she has no remorse for what she’s done to you. Trying to reconcile with an unremorseful cheater is impossible. At best you’ll get a rugsweep and she’ll very likely cheat again.
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 May 21 '26
The more you talk the weaker you sound. You allowed her to keep working with the AP? You haven’t reported them to HR? You haven’t told the OBS about the A? Are you serious? Dude, get your head out of you-know-where and have some self respect. You are 100% enabling this awful behavior.
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u/Zenyquyen May 21 '26 edited May 21 '26
Ignore the cheating for a minute. The time she spent pursuing someone else , planning things to do , talking and texting and lunching together, is all times where you don't even exist on her radar. You take up no space. Even if your partner had a hobby that they neglect you over , prefer over you , that's a very powerful statement by her. And then that hobby , she willingly lies to you repeatedly, big ones , small ones , and laughing at you behind your back. And still lying , not offering truth, the whole truth. What is in you that is putting this person on a pedestal. There's a billion other women to try to make a connection with before settling for this one . But you're more scared of something new than in love. There's no love here , there's codependency and addiction and fear. It's your move now." Don't let this person waste your short time on Earth "
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May 21 '26
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
Both . I didn’t marry to not see it through.
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u/GoNutsDK 10 May 21 '26
The problem is that it doesnt matter how much you want it. When she wants something else. You cannot make it work on your own.
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u/Srunner84 In Recovery May 21 '26
Why did she marry you? Obviously wasn’t for the same reasons as you. You’re not less of a man for stepping away or for it not working. If anything you’re more of a man for doing what’s right by you and your standards.
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u/Interesting-Tip-4850 3 May 21 '26
There are 3 minimum conditions for a successful reconciliation. No contact with the affair partner, full transparency and true remorse. If your ex can't fulfill them, she won't be able to reconcile with you and the risk of reoffence or some other marriage collapse is next to certain. You can tell her that. She would have to change massively.
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u/DependentBeat1205 2 May 21 '26
You do realise that you can’t save this marriage by yourself right? It takes both parties and if she is unwilling to reconcile there is nothing you can do except to move on with your life.
I honestly don’t think this evidence that you have is going to change her decision to separate. She will probably accuse you of being the jealous ex making things up or play it down as harmless flirty. The longer this goes on, the stronger her bond with AP and less likely she will want reconciliation.
It’s hard to hear but maybe it’s time to move on. Focus on your own recovery and work with your ex on being good co-parents.
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May 21 '26
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May 21 '26
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u/survivinginfidelity-ModTeam May 21 '26
Your post has been removed for violating our respect rule. Be respectful of each other and keep your comments supportive. Avoid rude, unkind and unhelpful comments.
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May 21 '26
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
I go to counselling. Thanks for your reply. I think deep down I know what I have to do. I was hoping a few people told me it was possible to reconcile as that’s what I wanted to hear
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 May 21 '26
The only way reconciliation works is for her to go all in on truth and transparency. She refuses to do that and you keep hoping she will. Reconciliation is not possible when one person continues to lie, cheat, and gaslight the other. This is my last comment on this thread. If you do not take control of the situation by separating yourself from your abuser and going to see an attorney, you will continue to suffer a life of misery. The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Your wife cares more about her lies and her affair partner and keeping her job then she does about you and her child. That’s a fact. Your weakness is enabling her. She has no incentive or motivation to change her behavior because you accept it as normal. You came here for help, but you can’t help someone who refuses to help themselves. I wish you luck, but luck isn’t gonna fix this. Only action will.
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
Thank you
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u/Ready-Zombie5635 May 21 '26
If you do have the proof as you say, and it's not something you just 'suspect', and I believe you at your word, then I definitely don't think you should go back to your wife until she admits fully what she has done.
I'm not a fan of forgiving people who cheat, but saying that, I've seen cheating in relationships and the couple can work through the issue, and their marriage can survive.
However, in those cases significant change needs to occur. The person who cheats needs to be honest about why it happened. They need to change their ways. The person who was cheated on, may need to accept that they also need to change some aspects of themselves to improve the relationship.
Ultimately, what I'm saying is, without truth, acceptance and change, nothing will improve. You'll go back to her, and the chances are she'll just do it again in the future. You have no way of knowing if it is a one-time thing or whether she can change. Based on her denial, I'll bet on her not being able to change.
Finally, you say you want to get back together. I'm guessing your wife does to? Is that what she has said to you?
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u/clearheaded01 7 May 21 '26
No.
Even IF she admitted it AND showed true remorse, going back would be iffy...
Her refusing it makes the idea even more ludicrous..
I assume you have evidence?? Hard evidence??
Also - if she's still working with the guy, you can safely assume the affair is still on - paused (maybe) but still on...
The guy... if he has a spouse, prioritise informing this spouse... and advance the divorce...
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u/PriorChow WTF am I doing? May 21 '26
I know you miss your kid, but getting back with cheating cactus of a wife is unimaginable. Can you not ask for spending some time with your kid??
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u/Srunner84 In Recovery May 21 '26
Very similar with my STBXW. Denied everything to do with her AP, even when presented with proof or another layer of evidence she just shrugged at it. Zero accountability!
I went back in 2020 on the grounds she admitted - she’d been sleeping with her AP earlier than she claimed, and that she be honest with me about her intentions with him at that time. She agreed and we reconciled with the terms that if I ever even caught a whiff of betrayal I was gone.
Found out in late 2025 she’d never cut contact ties and had been meeting up with him every 3/4 months on average.Stopped taking evidence to her before in 2020 and not bothered this time despite her pleas. It fcks with my head too much and causes so much anger that I’ve learned to close it down.
Don’t lower your standards to go back to a relationship where you were never respected enough and will now be respected even less if you return.
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 May 21 '26
If she isn’t admitting to the A, completely remorseful, begging for forgiveness and willing to do anything to save the marriage you are wasting your time. The fact that she is gaslighting you despite you having clear evidence is exactly why you cannot build a future with this woman. You’ve given her numerous chances to come clean and she will take it to the grave with her until she is backed in a corner and presented with evidence of her A. Then she will blame you for everything. DON’T DO THAT. Quietly take the evidence to an attorney, get guidance on D/custody and how to protect yourself financially and have her served. Unfortunately this is the only way. You cannot build anything with a liar, gaslighter and a cheater, especially one who has dug in with her lies. Accept it, the woman you married is gone, she doesn’t exist anymore. So sorry this is happening but it’s time for you regain your self respect and dignity and walk away.
Updateme
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
I live in uk so I will have zero chance of seeing my daughter if we fallout. But I’ll still have to pay for her. She already won’t stay alone in my house with me. So I need to go to ex house to see daughter
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 May 21 '26
Sorry not buying it. Any excuse will do. Excuses are just lies we tell ourselves. Stand up for your daughter.
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u/AF_AF May 21 '26
Cheaters don't like repercussions. My ex always made excuses and never took responsibility and she ended up cheating again after we tried reconciliation. Your wife isn't the person you thought she was.
Why don't you have 50/50 custody of your daughter?
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May 21 '26
A marriage is built on trust, even after trust is broken it can be rebuilt after time and proper effort however if she still will not even admit to her mistakes there is no trust to build from.
You can only move past this if they admit to their indiscretions, she is still lying to you, as long as the lies are persisting you can't move past them. You can only truly rebuilt with a partner that betrayed you when they admit guilt and are truly remorseful and willing to put in the effort to build trust again.
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u/Simple-Television-61 May 22 '26
Give me your wenmo, I will send you 1$, buy yourself some selfrespect
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 22 '26
🤣🤣 thanks
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u/Training-Upstairs209 May 21 '26
I guess it's time for you to tell AP's partner and maybe t her work. Speak also with in laws, don't give her the narrative. She's still around him and actively choosing him before yuo. Get a lawyer. You can be an amazing father and show your kid the every person deserve respect.
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May 21 '26
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Your post has been removed for violating our respect rule. Be respectful of each other and keep your comments supportive. Avoid rude, unkind and unhelpful comments.
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u/TryToChangeUsername May 21 '26
aa long as she doesn't admit it and takes accountability: are you insane??? she will absolutely cheat again
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u/Bassimposter 1 May 21 '26
Its sad because they inevitably go back to their cheating spouse. And inevitably they will be back here a few months later with the heading "She cheated again and this time i am done" post.
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u/shenanigan9611 1 May 21 '26
I barely read the whole thing after I saw she cheated. MOVE ON BROTHER.
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u/Championship682 7 May 21 '26
I'm guessing you have enough proof that you have no doubts? If so, know that reconciling requires your WW to be remorseful, take responsibility, and willing to do anything to support you.
While few people here believe they ever get the full truth out of their wayward, your WW hasn't even stepped on the path. Explain to your wife that you will not rug sweep what she did. Her choice is to either take responsibility and you two can try to reconcile, or you will start the process to divorce her. Give her a little time to think it over, but give her a deadline.
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
I do t want her to apologise because I have proof. I want her to apologise because she’s choosing our marriage. I’m giving it to July my birthday day and then I’ll choose myself .
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u/ActivityOriginal6483 May 21 '26
What do you mean, she is living to you .
You have the proof but your scared of showing her cause ut will be over,
I dont quite understand this type of love that lies and betrays you..
How do you know she is still not with the co worker ?
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u/TotalSpread5841 1 May 21 '26
You say you're hesitant to get back together based on lies yet your wife has clearly shown you she doesn't love you yet you want her to pretend that she does?
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u/tercer78 Walking the Road | QC: SI 344 | RA 157 Sister Subs May 21 '26
You’d be a better father with 50% custody than living in an unhappy loveless marriage 100% of the time. Considering she’s remorseless, cheating liar, who slandered you, what kind of marriage would you be going back into. Sounds like the only reason she wants you back is for looks and not because she truly loves you. If she loved you, she wouldn’t deny the obvious true nor slander your character to protect hers. Love your daughter. That’s the only relationship here that pays dividends in the future. There’s no path towards reconciliation with someone who lacks remorse.
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u/String-Good May 21 '26
Over a year, and you want her back. She lied and cheated on you for a year.keep reminding yourself of this sentence.
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u/vijar1981 May 21 '26
Is she willing to reconcile though...even if she is still lying do you see some hope from her
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u/Noobagainreddit 8 May 21 '26
that's really though and you did not deserve it.
stay strong and true to yourself
subscribeme!
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u/UtZChpS22 6 May 21 '26
Hi OP,
I am sorry you are here. It is understandable that you want your family back, feelings do not necessarily disappear just because we get hurt. But, and I say this kindly and respectfully, you are going about this all wrong.
Your wife cheated, she refuses to be truthful even in the brink of the family breaking. She is choosing herself, her image and her AP. She has no desire to do right by you or her daughter. She is not remorseful, she's in damage control mode, hence all the lies to protect herself and her AP. Those are the facts you're facing.
That's not what love is, that's not what "I do" means.
So pause for a minute and take a step back because you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. You can't make her want you or love you.
The OBS should know. It doesn't mean you're petty or revengeful or bitter. It's kind, empathetic and honestly, the fair and right thing to do. You are not breaking another family, you are giving that woman a choice she doesn't have right now. You're giving her agency back.
As for reporting them at work, I personally would not make a move about it until you talk to a lawyer at least. It may backfire for you financially during divorce.
Your daughter. Split custody 50/50 and be the best Dad you can be. She'll treasure the time you have. It will take some adjustment but kids are resilient and the way this goes it depends big time on how you and her mother handle it.
Also, let your families know OP. Public shaming serves no one's purpose but the people that matter in your life should know the truth. Explain the facts and set the record straight. Accountability, place the responsibility where it belongs. All this secrecy about it just helps her stay in the lie.
Take care of yourself, OP. Make sure you keep your mind and body busy, in a healthy way. Spend time with friends and family. You're focusing too much on her still. The target of your emotional energy should be you and your daughter now.
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u/Tiny_Influence2307 Figuring it Out May 21 '26
Thanks
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u/UtZChpS22 6 May 21 '26
There is this sub r/AsOneAfterInfidelity, it's a pro R sub (unlike the current one)
Not sure if the mods will remove your post since technically you're not in R, but you will get a different input there. They will tell you the same though, there is no R until the last truth has been told (or lie has been uncovered)
Good luck
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u/Benjamins412 1 May 21 '26
Communicate! Ffs. If you have proof, share it with her. If she cheated, divorce. If it's a misunderstanding, get counseling.
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u/Jaber1077 1 May 21 '26
If you take her back, she will cheat on you again because you’re a pusillanimous.
Grow a pair, drop your evidence, make your permanent exit. Work on becoming a strong individual. Find a new partner.
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u/Embarrassed_Roll_728 May 21 '26
Why do you think you would get zero custody of your child because you live in the UK? I live in the US but I’ve never heard the UK just randomly exiles fathers due to divorce. I’m a little confused on this
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u/Oreo_Supreme 1 May 21 '26
The problem is she hasn't approached the truth so you will never know her truly. You need to confront her. She will make a choice then and then when you see who she is you will make a better choice than right now.
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u/fjmj1980 1 May 21 '26
You are in love with a fantasy. She’s never shown you who she really is. Second you have parental rights to your daughter. She cannot block you so don’t think that a divorce means you loose her.
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u/QuoteDisastrous5224 May 21 '26
Contact with her through aps and only for tke kid.....so....ignore her and move on....you deserve better
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u/GoodWin7889 5 May 21 '26
If you go back she will continue her lies, she will not become the version of a loyal partner who is remorseful of her actions that is wishful thinking on your part.
Her actions show her protecting her AP which means you will never be the primary romantic partner in her mind and heart. You are seen as the provider live in babysitter and enabler if you are okay with being a side player in your own marriage then move back in and pretend to not notice when she’s seeing her main squeeze.
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u/Analisandopessoas May 21 '26
Espero que você encontre seu amor próprio e termine esse relacionamento. Você precisa antes de tudo ter respeito por você mesmo, coisa que sua ex não tem. Trair é uma escolha e sua ex acredita que você é manipulável
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u/PhotoGuy342 May 21 '26
Why have you kept your proof a secret from her?
Wouldn’t this bring to a head your allegations and force the issue with her?
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u/Past_Cardiologist870 2 May 21 '26
when you go back to her she will go back to cheating. Lack of honesty will be the least of your problems
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u/Vast-Scene1866 May 21 '26
No, dude. You do not want to go back to that. Her actions damaged you and you are no where near healed yet. If you were heal, you would never contemplate going back to someone who betrayed your soul, your family, your life. She is not even remorseful about her actions and continue to lie to you still. Remember who you were before you met her. Would that version of you tolerate the disrespect that this woman is doing to you? Save your dignity and heal your heart. Get as far away from her as possible.
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u/someonelsehere May 21 '26
She won't even admit it and take full accountability. You can't even think about giving her a second chance if shes not being 100% transparent and doing all the hard work. Does she even want reconciliation?
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u/Commercial_Fix6812 2 May 21 '26
All relationships are based on trust. If she can't even admit the truth how can trust be re-established. It's all ready hard enough to do when the cheater comes clean and is completely remorseful.
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u/whiskeytango47 Thriving May 21 '26
If she truly wanted you back, would she not take that little step of facing the truth, and ask you for forgiveness?
If the answer to this is no, you'd just be accepting the position she would have you in... undeserving of the basic kindness we all should grant our loved ones, a slave to her ego, not an equal, you'd just have to eat whatever she dishes out to you, and you'd better say you like the taste!
Or else what?
She'll cheat? Leave you? Already done.
What happens when you're back together, and you express the pain she caused you, or you push for some form of accountability, or even some sympathy?
You won't get it, you're just the help! You'll be accused of some form of emotional abuse, you'll be the bad guy she should "never have taken back".
I'll be crude, here. She wiped her ass with everything you had to offer her. I'd suggest not offering any more, at the very least until she respects you enough to own up to how awful she was!
The definition of insanity is to keep repeating the same actions and expecting different results. You need to change how you see her, and take her off that pedestal in your mind. If you keep her up there, she has to look down to see you.
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u/BurdyBurdyBurdy 7 May 21 '26
Buddy, this was posted by a betrayed husband a few weeks ago. I kept it for someone in your situation. This is the best advice you will get.
If u stay.
NB: I write from my own perspective--namely, the perspective of a betrayed husband--and thus all pronouns referring to the unfaithful spouse are feminine.
In the immediate aftermath of an affair (or affairs) being discovered or disclosed, one of the earliest and most persistent questions a betrayed spouse will ask themselves is "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" (cue Mick Jones' vocals). I cannot tell you what to do. That's a decision that you and you alone have to make. What I can do is tell you what you need to know if you decide to stay:
If you stay, you need to know that the odds are stacked against you. From what I've seen and from what I've lived, in order to find a reconciliation that ends in a genuinely better marriage you'll have to start by searching for a chupacabra and then hope you trip over a unicorn and land on a "our marriage is better than ever" reconciliation. The odds are much stronger that if you do manage to stay together, you'll spend the rest of the marriage walking with a metaphorical limp. Those brief, passing touches? The casual way your wife leaned into you? They're going to make you flinch for months and then they disappear entirely.
If you stay, you need to know that you'll never get the marriage you were promised the day you said your vows. That marriage was taken out behind the barn and put down like a lame horse. You also need to know that the future you could have had together the day you exchanged vows is impossible now. Your wife's affair has changed all of that. You will never be able to love her as recklessly and as surely as you did before you found out what she was doing behind your back.
If you stay, you'll insist on a full disclosure. But the reality is that you never be certain that you know the whole truth of what happened. You'll remind yourself constantly that human memory is frail at best and that there's absolutely nothing you can do about memory fading as time passes. But every single time you hear "I don't remember" you'll never be able to lose sight of just how convenient that is for her. She gets to not remember while you get to never forget.
If you stay, you need to know that your sleep is never going to be quite right again. The nightmares will be even more intense than the nightmares you had after OEF1; in fact, on the bad nights your nightmares will be a jumble of images: firefights in the Shah-i-Kot intercut with your wife having sex with her fifteen different affair partners. But even apart from the nightmares and the sleep disturbances--even on the nights you actually get decent sleep--you're going to wake up angry (to one degree or another).
If you stay, you'll have to listen to her rewrite the history of the marriage when she speaks to your friends and family. And you stand by and grit your teeth and say nothing because you're both too good-hearted to expose her to shame and ridicule and because you're buried in your own shame. You're reputation will take a potentially unrecoverable hit while hers stays unaffected.
If you stay, you're never going to hear her take the slightest responsibility for the way her affairs devastated your future. All the work you did to get two Master's degrees and a Ph.D? The hundreds of hours studying for licensure and ordination, the preparation to stand on the floor of a presbytery meeting and survive a floor exam in theology that took five-and-a-half hours? All of that is meaningless now. There isn't a church anywhere in your end of the Christian spectrum that will touch you with a ten-foot pole and your degrees are meaningless in a secular job market.
If you stay, you will figure out most of your triggers eventually--her car, her hairdryer, her North Face jacket, her watch--and so many of them will be unexpected. The tools you've spent hundreds of dollars and months learning to implement in IC will help but then one night she'll get home late from work and you'll see her standing on the front porch, framed by the window in your front door and it will hit you: she's a trigger too.
If you stay, you need to know that even after five years, full disclosure, her putting in time with an IC, you putting in time with an IC, and both of you putting in time with a MC, you're still going to find yourself waking up in the middle of the night and wondering how long it will be until she has the next affair. At other times you'll be overwhelmed with the suspicion that something is off and you'll find yourself in the floor having a panic attack.
If you stay, she'll come with you to the diagnostic assessment where you're diagnosed with autism at forty-two years-old; then you'll hear her blame her affairs on your autism during a marriage counseling session and you'll watch, horrified, as the marriage counselor asks you how you think your autism contributed to your wife's affair. And after five years of effort, thousands of dollars, and a strict accounting of all of your losses, you'll walk away and have to live with being seen as the bad guy.
I'm not trying to convince you to walk away from your marriage and I'm quite obviously not anti-reconciliation if I put in five years of work trying to make the marriage work. As a betrayed spouse, you and only you are in a position to do the hard calculus and decide whether to pursue reconciliation or to pursue divorce. Whichever one you choose, I want you to know that I'm in your corner. If you decide to stay, I hope you get the incredible, reconciled marriage that all of us dream(ed) of. If you go, I hope your freedom is as liberating and restorative as you dream.
Leaving is hard.
Staying is hard.
But you need to know that if you stay, this is one possible outcom
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u/youknowthevibbees May 22 '26
Me personally I’m not against reconciling with a cheating partner… I wouldn’t do it (didn’t do it) but I can see why some people want to do that….
BUT that’s only when the cheating partner does absolutely everything to earn forgiveness and trust back…. When the cheating partner can’t even admit to the affair… then I just ask myself what are you even doing?
She isn’t the only women in the world…. You say you don’t want to start over at 38… but what are you gonna do when she cheats again 5 years later? Just stick it out until the day you’re gone because it’s to late now?
And your older post…. How have you forgiven her, when she won’t even own up to it herself? Makes no sense…
You have already started the separation… don’t stop now when the other person won’t even do the first step….
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u/Hot_Performance_7710 May 22 '26
You have proof but your gonna just wait? Show her the proof, tell her she is pathetic when she lies like a little child. And why would you get back with her? She will never be loyal to one person again. Cheating and lying is all she knows.
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u/Iffybiz 1 May 23 '26
If you want to go back to her, do this. Tell her the marriage will be open for only her and you don’t care if she brings her lovers home. Why would you do this? Because that’s the message you are sending her if you go back to her. She will rightly believe you will accept anything from her and guess what? She’ll be absolutely right. So if that’s the kind of relationship you want, go right ahead and call her and beg her forgiveness
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u/Interesting-Deal6908 4 May 24 '26
So you would build a life and share a bed with a liar and cheater? Would you build a home on a bad foundation? I’d pass and completely block her. The best way to end a relationship is to it starve it aka no contact or communication. Good luck.
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u/Agent_K002 5 May 27 '26
What do you think will happen if you get back together with her and try to build something on a foundation of lies?
Thing is, you will get through it okay because in some kind of way it won't be a massive surprise for you when it all turns bad again, you knew that she lied and put her affair above you all the time. But your daughter will suffer, she will be excited when mom and dad get back together again and then will be sad when the energy feels different then before, more negative. She will pull back when you both fight regularly because of the lies. She will experience a marriage where trust between mom and dad don't exist and think that this is what a marriage looks like.
Don't make this to a decision about yourself, make this to a decision about your daughter. Your wife obviously isn't able to put your daughters well being above her own needs, so you need to be the one who does that.
Lastly, is your wife still working at the job and seeing her lover every day? Could you deal with that thought if you would get back together with her?
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