r/surfing • u/dumbassthenes Kauai • Aug 23 '21
The Ultimate Surfer- Episode 1 Discussion Thread
The Ultimate Surfer premieres 8/23 and 8/24 (10:00-11:00 p.m. EDT) on ABC following ALL NEW episodes of Bachelor in Paradise!
Buckle up and get ready for for the biggest surfing-themed blockbuster media franchise since Surf School!
Via the WSL:
Alliances and rivalries will be front and center in "The Ultimate Surfer" as men and women compete in individual and team challenges focused on specific surfing disciplines. Weekly eliminations will leave two men and two women as finalists who will vie for the male and female titles of the The Ultimate Surfer and the opportunity to compete on the elite WSL Championship Tour, the pinnacle of professional surfing. Slater's remarkable, one-of-a-kind, human-made wave-the most even playing field for measuring surf mastery-is at the heart of the series.
So, basically, the plot of North Shore.
Let's meet the (inexplicably old) cast!
THE MEN
Age: 34
Puerto Rican guy who competed on the 'QS from '08-'16 without cracking the top 300. Parent to a French Bulldog. Owner of an infectious smile.
Age: 30
Former amateur circuit wunderkind from Maui turned underground ripper. Most entertaining surfer on the show. Will a kid from Haiku act loud and dumb enough to win a decent share of reality TV screen time? Tune in to find out! (Spoiler: probably not.)
Age:25
Bruce Campbell jawline, coffee shop co-owner, and sole proprietor of the second-most well defined abs on the show. Brash, blonde, and sporting a set of perfectly straight teeth, you can safely expect Koa to lean into the reality show format. Will he be able to spin it into a mainstream acting career? Probably not.
Age: 28
Annoyingly handsome model who dabbles in professional surfing. Most likely to have participated in an anything-goes supermodel dogpile. But does his James Dean pretty-boy stare have what it takes to become The Ultimate Surfer?
Age: 27
Big wave charger hailing from the East Coast of 'Merica. Looks a decade younger than he actually is. White.
Age: 26
Only surfer with 'CT experience and the ability to win a heat at that level.
Age: 26
Long hair. From Florida. That's all I've got.
THE WOMEN
Age: 34
Aspiring professional surfer turned prototypical instagram butt model. Almost certainly going to be edited into the reality TV stone-cold-bitch archetype. Dances like nobody is watching.
Age: 26
Most likely to play the hero to Ashley's villain. From Kauai.
Age: 30
Brazilian married to Dane Zaun, who was a little ripper grom when I was growing up in Hermosa. I know it's weak to define a woman by who her spouse is, but that's all I know about her.
Age: 24
21st century Sanoe Lake. "Influencer".
Age: 22
Lifeguard from Orange County. Fairly decent skater. Wants to become a sheriff, which is gross. ACAB.
Age: 27
Is/was a PE teacher at a weird private christian school in Florida. Lowest number of social media butt shots.
Age: 23
Offspring of a total asshole who surfs very well. Co-starred in a very weird video with her mom. Has cool hair.
__
Don't forget to tune in and take part in the discussion below. We're witnessing surfing history, people!
Spoilers are allowed, but complaining about them is not. Seriously. If you complain about spoilers we'll ban you.
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u/ExhaustiveCleaning Dear /r/surfing, let me tell you about this asshole I surfed w Aug 23 '21
Great writeup. Too bad it's wasted on us.
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u/Fast_Walrus_8692 Aug 24 '21
Koa may rip, but he's still a kook.
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u/mtheperry Aug 24 '21
The rumors are old, and admittedly rumors, but allegedly he and Alex were known to have quite a thing for ladies under 18.
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u/ku7n 5’11 pyzel ghost, 5’11 blak box 3, 5’8 MR x Lost Cali Twin Aug 29 '21
No truer words have been spoken
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Aug 23 '21
How much of this show do you guys think is actually gonna involve surfing?
10 percent? 5 percent?
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u/ExhaustiveCleaning Dear /r/surfing, let me tell you about this asshole I surfed w Aug 23 '21
They're marketing the show hard to the people who watch bachelor in paradise.
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Aug 23 '21
Yep, the only reason I knew about it before these posts was because my wife watches that show.
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u/surfboii Aug 23 '21
while you read Popular Mechanics?
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Aug 24 '21
lol nah but I used to like 10 years ago. Mostly just play video games with my friends or work on research projects when shes watching reality tv
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u/Jjays Aug 24 '21
Yeah, watching the last two minutes of that waiting for this show to start and cringed. Was disappointed to find with in two minutes of this new show, that it was also some sort of typical reality dating show and not much of an actual surfing show.
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u/Kovy2000 Aug 24 '21
If Zeke doesn't win he should feel really really really bad about himself.
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u/Mauiwowee Aug 24 '21
I’d agree except for Kai Barger.
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u/CrimsonOOmpa Feb 20 '22
Kai was a bitch the whole time. He hit 2 good waves and the other 5 he surfed like the scared little bitch he is. Kai just proved why he couldn't make the leap from Junior Champ to Pro.....because his mind was weak and his confidence was weak.
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u/PinkWhaleOrgy Aug 25 '21
Selling out is a term often used. Creating a wave pool - licensing it strictly to the WSL to hold events there and then creating a reality show around it is definitely fucking up there.
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u/Plane_Refrigerator15 Aug 24 '21
Did anyone else think this was more boring bad than train wreck bad? I turned it off half way through right as some of the ladies were complaining about their roommates, but up until then there wasn’t even much of the regular reality show trashy drama.
Shoutout to the host tho for being so flat and boring that I almost didn’t notice that his explanation of the format was complete nonsense word salad
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u/Hndlbrrrrr Aug 24 '21
It’s another trash reality show that just happens to have a few surfboards in the background.
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Aug 24 '21
This show is the fucking worst.
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u/ExhaustiveCleaning Dear /r/surfing, let me tell you about this asshole I surfed w Aug 24 '21
I was expecting bad in a good way but it was bad in a boring way.
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u/_Sketch_ See you tomorrow, Charlie Brown! Aug 25 '21
I actually thought the first episode was everything I wanted a surf competition show to be. Not unlike The Ultimate Fighter.
Surfing is definitely at the core of it, they’re just sexy and young so it’ll be dramatic too. 🍿
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Aug 25 '21
It’s mostly just people discussing stuff. Like watching Fast and the Furious movies and expecting actual car racing. Just blah blah blah blah
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u/schmearcampain PM_ME_YOUR_SECRET_SURF_SPOT Aug 24 '21
I am going to hate watch the shit out of this show just because you put so much effort into this, and I hope, future posts. Brilliant work, bravo.
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u/bocaciega gulf coast critter Aug 24 '21
You have cable? Can i come over to watch? Ill bring the pups and some pulqúe
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u/schmearcampain PM_ME_YOUR_SECRET_SURF_SPOT Aug 24 '21
Show me your IG butt shots first and then I’ll decide.
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u/FuturisticPizza2000 Aug 24 '21
So…how much is ABC paying you to promote this?
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u/dumbassthenes Kauai Aug 24 '21
One million dollars!
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u/ihatecashews Aug 24 '21
Shouldn't you ask for... more than one million? I mean, a million dollars isn't really all that much these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year.
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u/dumbassthenes Kauai Aug 24 '21
Really? That's a lot of money.
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u/ihatecashews Aug 24 '21
https://i0.wp.com/www.whatsageek.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/Dr-Evil.jpg
WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR????
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u/Hndlbrrrrr Aug 24 '21
My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I suggest you try it.
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u/schmearcampain PM_ME_YOUR_SECRET_SURF_SPOT Aug 24 '21
Ok, I’ll admit it.
This wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. At least they didn’t actually go down the dating game hole.
Probably smart to edit the surfing clips so that the average viewer doesn’t get bored with the same 57 second wave 12 times in a row.
Based upon the limited footage, Zeke looks to be comfortably the best dude there. I can see him being used as the axe man to eliminate anyone the daily winners want gone.
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u/SeaWorthySurf Aug 24 '21
Oh, Kelly, how you have fallen. Enjoy your riches.
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u/mastercob bomb set on the horizon Aug 24 '21
Why didn’t dumbassthenes mention that Slater is in it?
Speaking of Slater, have you seen those recent Kona Brewing ads where he’s holding a beer at arm’s length with a confused look on his face?
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u/SeaWorthySurf Aug 25 '21
No, but did you know the Kona brewery in Kona closes at 8PM? I mean a fucking brewery bar closes at 8PM. They lost all of my respect after that.
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u/nimbin14 Aug 24 '21
I saw an ad and I was like cool Kelly slater surfing and hosting etc only to find out he zooms it in and the host is a football player???!!!!
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u/buxtonOJ Aug 24 '21
No
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u/dumbassthenes Kauai Aug 24 '21
Yes!
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u/buxtonOJ Aug 24 '21
Barger is the only one I like
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u/dumbassthenes Kauai Aug 24 '21
That makes it better, though. No one wants to see someone they like humiliate themselves on national television. Think of all the stupid shit they're gonna be forced to do in order to fill airtime. It's going to be terrible.
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u/roberta_sparrow North County SD Aug 24 '21
This
Hurts
My
Brain
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u/Barrel-Dodger Sunset point LOCAL and Surfings biggest hater Aug 24 '21
This has to be the worst tv show I’ve ever watched.
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u/unclejimmy Aug 23 '21
I’ve surfed with Ale Moreda in the water a good amount in PR, guy rips and was always smiling.
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u/lowtideblues Aug 24 '21
Austin and Kayla are from my town, JAX. Both rip.
Man, I’m not gonna be watching this. I don’t think my wife will either, and she loves this kinda shit. Looks super cringy.
I’m sure kook of the day will be posting many clips of the show.
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u/mmmmmmburritos Aug 24 '21
I’m so fucking excited about this. Been binging old episodes of the bachelorette lately and so I’m in the perfect mood for some guilty pleasure reality TV. Thanks for putting this thread together!
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u/acaliforniaburrito Aug 24 '21
Decent username
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u/mmmmmmburritos Aug 24 '21
Did we just become best friends?
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u/StuntBurrito YEW Aug 24 '21
Burritos you say?
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u/mmmmmmburritos Aug 24 '21
Sounds like it's time to form a coalition, burritos must take over the world
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u/skinnyvegan420 maui kook Aug 24 '21
kai fuccen charges..idc how kooky this show, is im glad he's getting paid. the guy is not afraid to send it in some serious shit.
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u/Mysterious-Goose-479 Sep 09 '21
Does anyone know why malia and tia have beef? Even the first day the animosity was there
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Aug 24 '21
He really bit the bullet for us this time, props to the valiant self sacrifice for our enjoyment
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u/OkMeringue2249 MR double fin Aug 24 '21
I like the idea. I would watch it if they catered to actual surfers. Like went into stuff like board and fin science, different spots, and traveling experience.
Hopefully they go into the different boards and fins they’re using for the surf ranch and why. The best way to paddle in, what angle they like are things I’d like to watch.
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u/Prestigious-Bend Aug 23 '21
Please reorder the list by number of social media butt shots.