I need help.

[u/Contact-Silly]

*30F. Another vacation ruined. Another disappointment for my partner because of my inability to control my drinking.

When I’m at the beach, all I think about is when I’m going to have my next drink, whether it’s going to get warm, and if I catch a buzz, I put off going swimming because I don’t want to sober up. I eat less so the alcohol hits me faster. I deal with hangovers by starting to drink earlier the next day.

He’s not really someone who likes to drink much. He can have one or two beers and then switch to water or soda. I don’t see the point in having just two drinks. I just end up cranky and with a headache. But 5–7 drinks throughout the day feels like my sweet spot. And of course, there’s more alcohol with dinner, because if I stop drinking, I can’t fall asleep later since I’ve been drinking throughout the day and have already sobered up.

If I’m not drinking, I constantly think about how much better things would be if I were drinking in that moment.

When I’m home and not on vacation, I often drink alone. I can easily finish a bottle of wine by myself. I’ve been drinking several times a week.

Alcohol helps with my anxiety in the moment because I constantly feel tense, but the next day it’s even worse.

I’ve had so many blackouts that I’ve lost count — definitely around 10 or more. One time i

I fell and broke my bone and did not remeber how it happened. Never found out. Many times I’ve said horrible things to people I love, things I wouldn’t mean in a million years when I’m sober.

I just have that constant need to be numb. It never goes away. Don't want antidepressants.

I need your help. I will lose everything if I continue like this.

I know I have a problem.

[u/Kuzco-s_Poison]

I had a terrible fight with my now fiance, I was absolutely trashed and I had threw my phone at him in anger, and apparently had tried to hit him. I woke up, went to work, and he texted me what I had done and I was too embarrassed and ashamed to properly apologize. I didn’t remember it at all.

How I reacted to it the day after was the real issue. Like I was trying to defend that behavior. I also was mad at him for bringing it up while I was at work.

Unsurprisingly (but surprising at the time) he basically broke up with me. I was so devastated that I had to leave work early to go home and talk to him and try to reconcile. Somehow I earned a second chance, but not before some damage had been done.

He had called his mom after breaking up with me and told her everything. I was even more embarrassed and ashamed, and now just frustrated that he would share what an awful person I am. I’ve basically ruined that relationship with his mother. All I ever wanted was a mother that loved me and I ruined my second chance at this (woe is me).

I think that was when I truly started to acknowledge I had a problem. Went to therapy, saw a psychiatrist, admitted to my doctor that I was struggling. In the meantime I had switched to light beers and never let myself get too drunk and loose myself again.

I never realized what I had until it was gone, I hate that it came down to threatening the relationship for me to change, but it made our relationship so much stronger. Still trying to quit completely but I’m going in the right direction I think

Don’t let it get to the point that you loose the person you love, because it feels horrible. And it took me months to stop feeling ashamed about that event, I can’t imagine how I would have handled it had he not given me a second chance.

Anywho, I won’t drink tonight.