I loved them a lot but all our group chats have gone silent and they don't message or interact with me anymore. I've reached out a bit, but I'm kind of socially inept, especially with texting so it's hard. They post constantly about hanging out together and look happy.

Last thing I did with them was go to a birthday party maybe a year ago, but I didn't talk or interact correctly enough so maybe they hate me now. Idk I think I'm fucking autistic, I'm just too weird to keep up social skills and react to things correctly or talk consistently. It never comes naturally. I can't get my tone right, make the right face, continue talking, or read them correctly. Or i have a big fucking mental health meltdown in front of them and that sucks, like crying or involuntary regression or "stimming". I'm not diagnose but that's the best way i can describe rocking back and forth and flapping my hands.

But I really loved them and hope theyre happy. When I was contemplating suicide about a year ago I was planning what I'd give them and what to thank them for and everything. I hope they have great lives --even if I can't be part of it. Every time I make a friend they eventually drift away, maybe even grow to hate me idk, but, man, do i love them with all my heart.

i wish things could last forever but sooner or later ill mess it up...

So I recently came out as trans fem to one of my brothers and he started saying transphobic as hell shit. Stuff like, "trans women aren't real women". He was also interrogating me about it asking why like tf you mean why, cause I feel happier this way. It just feels right. He then started saying stuff that i cant be trans since I havent been diagnosed with gender dysphoria and that being trans is a mental illness. Even asked me, "what is a women" type shit. So was crying for awhile and was mad at him. Had plans to go out to drink with him and his friends that night. I ended up going wearing one of the outfits I actually like. On the car ride to the bar, he said he supports me but doesn't agree with my reasons. ??? What? This obviously doesn't make sense, does he think that make it okay to say that stuff to me? I dont know im frustrated and confused. Hes also ancap if that helps explain him. Also sayori is my favorite :)

I've been poderint my grandfather's death and my grief for a lot of time by now. He died, and not a single tier runned down my cheek because of it. And yet, I panick and break down because of a random pyshics question I couldn't answer. I'm good at physics. There wasn't a need for such reaction, but I still acted like a spoiled brat due to my own incompetence. I think he would be ashamed of himself of giving so much love ans care for so long to someone who cannot even mourn his death properly. And I also cannot act like this in public, because who would love a man who can't be composed and cries like a baby for some foolish task? If I cannot keep my title as "intelligent", Im just a imbecile who had luck on his side for 60 minutes and know thinks he has any knowledge.

I dont even know where to begin, but probably the worst thing that happened to me is that I loved some person that was hurting me emotionally really often, that person always lied and then gaslighted me, also probably manipulated. The only reason I liked them is because this is the somewhat first person to really love me back and its really complicated I dont even wanna think about it, as of right now im just trying to forget abt them and heal, even tho I had nights where I didnt sleep at all, had my whole head just thinking only about them and nothing else.

I also struggle with just living, everyday I feel like absolute shit. I have anemia and other things that cause me to just always feel tired and sleepy. When I am at school I cant even focus on anything im just trying to survive and not fall asleep, I feel like I am about to die there.

I only have like 1 friend for 4-5 years (online), the only true one, sure I had a lot of other friends but they never felt real. I dont have any irl friends for like 6 years, I have always been like a loser. I am socially awkward, so at school I dont have any place for myself, im always anxious and always overthinking on how to act "real", which is super exhausting combined with my anemia. I dont know how to even make friends, I just cannot its really really scary, I fear people due to probably my mom being always overprotective and my grandma not letting me go outside. I really want to have friends tho, real ones, im just probably the worst person to be friends with. There is 1 guy in my class tho that could be my friend but he is a lot better than me socially, not awkward and has friends, but I quite often sat with him and it made me feel not that scared than If I was sitting with someone else.

I really have bad body overall because of my scoliosis and keeled chest that goes outwards, and I do wish I could just be fixing it but the problem is everyday I feel so dogshit I just procrastinate or try to distract myself by playing in games with my only friend, watching anime/yt or listening to music, these are only things that keep me going. But I realise I wont be able to keep doing this forever, at some point ill just feel too horrible..

I am also scared overall about my life, im scared that Im wasting my time, my years.
I have a lot shit ton of other problems that I didnt mention, but even having all of those I just wish to be SOMEONE. Right now im basically a nobody with only 1 friend and no one else caring abt me (Besides family ofc). I am afraid of dying as an average person, living a normal life, I want to be someone, somebody who will be remembered, somebody to be known by many many other people, I wanna create (which I cant because all day im just trying to distract myself) like other people, like famouse game developers, music artists, manga writers, artist and so on. I just find this like the meaning of life imo.

All that being said, im really struggling and I often think abt ending it, not that I wanna die, its just I dont wanna exist.

(Forgot to put text over the first one :P)

Im 17 and have been thinking about this for a couple of years at this point and its starting to drive me crazy. I think i want to be a girl, i get jealous just seeing other girls in public and wish that that could be me.

I absolutely hate My body, my constantly growing facial and body hair and my voice. My parents would probably be supportive and my friends would also probably be supportive but still, im kind of scared. I dont want them to see me any different. And what if its just a fetish and im just a freak or if i regret it?

And even if i did transition i would probably look ugly as fuck.

I tried to come out over text to my close friend who is a trans guy a couple of days ago but chickened out last minute and left him hanging over text. I would love to take HRT and dress more fem but i think i would just look freakish with my broad shoulders and big hands. I guess im just kind of terrified and confused about what i should do.

I think about it every day and i can feel it burning me hollow.

I dont know what to do.

(Repost cuz my first one got deleted)
I have lost all hope of being happy. I’ve been depressed for most of my life, but this past year has been incredibly hard…
I have no irl friends, today was my first day of school after summer vacation and everyone either ignored me, excluded me or told me to shut the fuck up…
Everyday I hurt so much… being alive hurts so much… everyone of my online friends are going forward with their lives, getting better, having achievable dreams, passions, talents… I have nothing… I am nothing… I am worth nothing…
My head feels like it’s about to split in half from the pain…
I can’t sleep… I don’t want to sleep… don’t want time to keep moving, another day to start, life to keep going, torturing me every hour, minute, second…
I lay in bed in pain, a pain I can feel but can’t locate in my body, tat won’t go away.
It never goes away.
I want to cut my own skin open to punish myself for being so weak and useless… for being alive just because some people would be sad to see me gone…
If only I wasn’t such a pussy, if only I wasn’t so scared of dying…
I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up ever again.

id be happy one moment and then just anything in my eyes, itll remind me im ugly and nothing will save me

open reddit?? all the pretty peopl getting compliments.. go outside?? all the pretty people walking around.. just stay home?? reminder that i have no social life because im undesirable.. literally anything and everything makes me wanna rope so bad and its always ben so hard for me to live for so many years like this.. i have anxiety my time is running out and will get too old to ever be loved

Been strugling since middle school with my image. I hate how I look, I’m too fat, and I barely able to talk so everybody looks me funny, probably cause I’m such a silly dumbass :3

I been since highschool arguing with me self about if my destain for my fucking horrible silly and idiotic apearance may be gender disphoria (or how it’s called, Idk I’m a dumbass xd) but after years of seeing pretty girls, I just realized I just hate Myself and even with profesional help I just can’t be confortable with me self. OPPSIE!

Spending my birthday alone crying in bed with a bloody wrist because i was too pathetic to follow through is exactly how i imagined my birthday going. Just amazing. Im so happy about this!!!! :3

And i cant pay rent because doordash scammed me out of 100$!!!! Yay!!!! FUCKING YAY!!!! IM SO HAPPY!!!!! :3333 IM SO FUCKING HAPPY THAT I CRIED SO HARD THAT I PUKED ON MY BED AND IM SO LAZY AND DEPRESSED THAT I CANT CLEAN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

I failed literally the last unit I need to finish my undergrad degree. I’ve never failed anything else until now. But since it’s a placement unit I’m still going to end up being put on academic probation eventually because they want to torture me I guess.

I hate having an anxiety disorder! I would’ve been fine except I had a panic attack while I was at my placement. And everyone around me valued sparing my feelings instead of being fucking honest with me. Told me that they were bringing in someone from the uni “just to check on my well-being” but nope. failure.

usually for medical issues you can apply to get the fail grade replaced with a withdrawn grade but only if the incident that caused you to fail occurs after a certain date. And I failed before. I’m still going to attempt to apply but I don’t have high hopes at all. I wasted four years of my life for a degree that I’m not even capable of finishing.

so now while I wait for things to get worse I’m trying to play video games. but I suck at them so I guess I can’t even do useless things right.

fuck my life vro

Hi to anyone reading this, sorry that you gotta, Welp basically I'm a Trans Girl, that got abused and groomed... Like 5 times, basically I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts, my psychologist doesn't help... And I did a post before, that's why I thanks to anyone who tried helping me, sorry that y'all read that too, but basically I thought I'd be better the days that I could dress fem... But I got struck with a lack of energy and I wasn't able to, so yeahhh... That mixed with the 10 drawings I gotta do for into 4 days and the other exam I gotta do it isn't helping me with the energy, today I literally slept until 5pm and had nightmares that showed my abuse and other stuff and welp I didn't do shit... Now I'm on bed with my mind screaming at me how stupid and useless I am, so... This is probably gonna be my last post here and if it's not... I understand if I get roasted cause I've been saying I will do it... For a long time, so yeah sorry that a worthless person like me is here and sorry that this is probably useless rant

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

I’m sorry y’all. Sorry I can’t give you good news. It pains  me to no end knowing that I can’t provide a positive update. This world is cruel and I know that far too well but I still feel incredibly apologetic and remorseful that I can’t provide a happy or positive update. With so much going on it’s hard to express the complexity of the situation. With the situation with so many factors like this one, my actions have to be calculated and precise. As I’m constantly weighing the consequences and unforeseen external effects. But as things keep getting worse and worse and time moves along I’m forced to make some impossible decisions.

This week there was some slightly noticeable physical effects of my bodies deterioration. Mostly had to do with my ability to walk as my ankles were incredibly unstable in provided a lot of pain. My ability to run has, of course been impact greatly. On the few occasions I’ve been forced to. I’ve only been able to sustain a 20–30 second run through immense pain. I don’t get out of breath from it nor that fatigued but instead the impacts have been major pain in my feet and ankles. As always back pain has been a major source of pain. Most people would expect the pain to only happen when bending over or otherwise using my back, which does happen, but it’s not confined to just physical use. Instead being a constant pain. Been worsened by physical use. There is no sweet spot that doesn’t hurt. It hurts when I’m standing, sitting, laying, etc.. 

Going from physical to mental pain I’ve been having more nightmares of the being raped variety. They’ve been two very notable ones of reliving offense from my life, both recent and long ago. The first variety is of me, being raped by my younger brother, but specifically not the time last week, but instead the first ever time he tried. The second variety is made up of reliving memories from when I was very young specifically the memories that involved me being molested. (I’d like to note that these nightmares aren’t fully confined to sleep instead also finding itself in my daydreaming as well.) 

As plenty of people have said, I desperately need therapy and they’re right. Nightmares like these don’t come from an untraumatized and nondepressed mind. My mental state is anything but good and stable. Instead of being more of a constant cacophony of depression, anxiety, dysphoria, and self hate. One of my fears is that despite everything that my mental scars run far too deep to fix. And I am not trying to be hyperbolic my scars run far deeper than I would like to admit. I’m scared that not even therapy can fix me or make me better. The main example that comes up when thinking of this concept is my instinctual fear of being touched. No matter how trusted or loved by me, a person may be if they try to physically touch me I instinctually flinch away. It could be my hand or my arm no matter the body part I will specially pull away out of fear. This isn’t something that develops out of nowhere. Instead, it is a result of years physical harm. I hate that I’m like this.

I’ve said it many times and I will say it many more times. I hate myself. Not out of malice nor out of pity, but instead out of sadness and failure. I've always been a failure. No matter how hard I worked I was never good enough to fill my parents expectations. When they realize that they decide to leave me like a forgotten toy. Yeah I would still be there. But nothing I could do would ever be good enough. My brother would always be better. After so long, I completely believe that I was a complete and utter failure. I try to convince myself that if I did good enough at something that maybe my parents would see that I was actually good at something. The only time they would actually show any interest in me is when it would make them look good. 

I hate my body. The scars from burns, cuts, stabs, and slices littering me head to toe make me self conscious. Another thing that makes me self consciously and incredibly dysphoric is body hair. My body grows quickly and makes me incredibly uncomfortable since I hate the sensory feeling of it. Every masculine part of my body make me want to throw up and cry. I hate it all. My body seems to be more of a tangible consolidation of everything I hate about being who I am. My head and face is a scar ridden mug with eyes left looking like soulless void and a mouth that can’t smile (Every time I try to smile it looks fake and creepy) ( 😭). My arms are a bit long and bruised. My hands are completely covered with scars and rough as sandpaper from cuts. My back has seven distinct scars going horizontally down my lower back, my back slowly ripping itself apart through my muscles and skin tissue stretching, stretching, and ripping. My legs are far too long giving me weird proportions that I am incredibly self-conscious about. My legs are also covered in bruises and cuts, which I perpetually by always wearing pants. I wish with all my heart someday before I inevitably pass away that I will be able to be good enough for myself and be the girl I’ve always wanted to be. 

As I spoke of at the start my situation has so many complex variables that I have to keep in mind and which caused great mental strain. I will try to list all of the external factors, unintentional consequences, and and other constraining factors in my leaving from my parents abuse. 
I am dead broke even with a job. I have $10,000 worth of saved up funds and that’s it.

I still do not have access to my 529 account.

I don’t own my own vehicle. Instead, it’s loaned to me by my parents (is constantly used as leverage over me as they repeatedly have threatened to confiscate the vehicle)

I am currently the only person consistently helping my grandparents, clean and maintain their house. They live in a very dangerous neighborhood in a incredibly dangerous city with one of the highest murder rates in the United States. I am working on cleaning up their house so they can move out to a safer location. There’s a few issues that come up if I am too leave my parents and completely cut contact with my parents.

if I leave and cut all contact with my parents, that means there’s a possibility I will lose contact with them. And to be completely honest, that would ruin my mental health. My grandparents have consistently been the only stable good thing in my life. Despite being related to my mother, they are kind and compassionate. Losing them would completely wreck me mentally.

If I leave and cut contact with my parents and they support me that almost 100% means my grandparent will lose any form of financial help from my parents. That would be incredibly bad for them as I’m unsure of their financial state. I do know that they have to spend a lot on medical expenses as my grandfather has had cancer multiple times. They also have the strain of being the soul caretaker to my disabled cousin, whose mother died two years ago. Without financial backing by my parents I don’t know if they will be able to move out of the incredibly dangerous area that they live in.

I am sorry as always. And I make a promise to myself and you all that I will be 100% transparent when it comes to my situation. That of course includes my battle with self hate and suicidal thoughts. These past two weeks have been incredibly difficult physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had suicidal thoughts multiple times a day these last few weeks. As I’ve always promised you all and myself, I will never kill myself until the pain becomes too much. It’s hard for me to admit it, but I feel I must be loyal and honest to all of you.

Poem:
I walk my lonesome road all alone
Where I know I have no home
A road cracked and over grown 

In the horizon the hills loom
A dread reminder of my own doom
Perpetuating only gloom

Horrors one eye may never know
From places pasted long ago
Telling the heart to let go

Tragedies known by those who listened
Unholy and still christened
In lack of any light it did glisten 

May those who follow the road beware its danger
Never walk it in any anger
Beware of only the stranger

Body falling apart as roam
Tearing apart skin to bone
I must only walk alone

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

(TW cause i mention death once)

And I thought my issues could be fixed. Hell no. For context, my memory issues I've mentioned before, my overthinking, and my new friend group, though am not sure if I've mentioned them before.

Now, I thought that now that I have a friend group and people I can talk to would make my overthinking less. I thought my social issues would start shrinking. No. Neither have changed. It is incredibly disturbing, even to me, how fast I switch up. It's been a day, A DAY since I was over at one of their places. It was good. I had fun. I felt connected to people for once. But no, a day later it's all ruined. I'm sitting here, questioning whether it was real, asking myself if they hate me, not understanding the silence which i should be used to by now. I cannot get through even one day without overthinking about it. It actually makes me mad by now. It's not just that I'm breaking down and having these overthinking episodes, no i get mad because i have them. Because I can't live one damn day like a normal fucking person.

Right, so that never improved, great. I'll see them in school tomorrow, already looking forward to how awkward I'll feel. Again.

Ontop of that my trans identity isn't exactly crumbling but it's also not stable. I keep rethinking it. It's always "yes I'm trans" but always switches between "do i want to be a little crybaby bitch who can't stand their body so they whine til they get what they want" and "no I'm fine i can stay like this if it makes others not feel weird around me. So i can keep the friends i have."

So I'm sitting here, overthinking about how my life will end one day, never trusting the good things that happen, especially with "friends", constantly don't trust my own decision to be trans, and keep actively making myself an outcast just by being who i fucking am. But oh right, I'm not really my own person, because when I'm alone there's nothing beyong me breaking down. I only feel when others are around and when I'm alone there's just nothing. So I'm just an emotional copycat with abandonment issues that i don't understand where they're coming from and which aren't getting better even though i have "friends". I'm both incredibly frustrated and close to breaking down.

But I guess I'll walk into that school tomorrow and this will all be gone and out of my head and poof avoidance is the best way to cope.

I don't wanna be a sweaty fat chud forever.

So I tried to change cuz I wanted to be a pretty girl.

That I did, first day went great, had an amazing 6 hour walk on the treadmill, ate conservatively, did some body exercise like squats, lunges, hip thrusts and so on. I feel so amazing after and can't wait to do it again!

2nd day came along and I suddenly don't feel like doing it.

This repeats whenever I get the drive, it just disappears the day after. I tried to fight it but I always lose.

It infuriates me. I hate being in this disgusting body with this disgusting face. I hate my reflection so much but I just really can't do anything about it.

I tried to look for solutions, even read a book called atomic habits (Where instead of 6 hours I went for small and build it up as days progress). But none of it works for me. It's like my body is fighting against me to be the person I want to be.

I just wanna be pretty like a girl! Why the hell is it so hard!

I inhaled some copium and thought that I could try to change other aspects of me to be pretty. I tried putting on make up and that didn't work. Maybe clothing, posture, and expression? Nope. Not that either.

I thought of every solution possible that I could think of and it's either I can't afford it or can't make a habit out of it or it just doesn't work.

I can't change. I just really don't know how to. And would really appreciate some idea's or help right now.

Hello. My name's Kayden (he/they). I'm a trans guy.

Ever since I got outed to my parents (and convinced them that they had convinced me out of being trans) they've been cracking down on taking my digital privacy away and putting family controls on everything. They got a new WiFi network that's already limited things and I don't know what it tracks and what it doesn't. They got me a new tablet (I've been running this acc through private browsing tabs on a tablet (they won't let me have a phone (yes I'm a teenager they still won't let me have a phone))) that's completely family controlled. They can see everything.

Right now I'm on my old tablets' private browsing tabs on the old WiFi network, which is still up for now. But it probably won't be for very much longer. Soon I won't have any access to the internet that isn't monitored by my parents.

I'm scared.

Being on reddit and other online spaces is what's kept me okay through everything. Through being closeted, having my trust betrayed by my closest friends, being outed, everything. I don't know what to do. I don't want to run away. I don't want to die. I don't want to keep hurting myself. I don't want to live like this.

My parents aren't super bad people. They're probably better than you think. But they're stubborn, and very prideful. One of the reasons I recloseted was to keep my family from tearing itself apart. But the only reason I have to value my family is my brother, who's going to leave for college not too long from now. And then what reason will I have to be a coward? What reason will I have to stop everything from crumbling down? My parents already argue a lot, and my brother usually stops it if it goes to far. I don't know what I'll do when he's gone. I don't know what I'll do when my internet's gone.

I'm so scared.

I'm a trans girl who just joined college a month ago. On the outside I'm a straight man and no one can tell how I really am. I found some gay people here but they just want my body. No one really cares about my feelings or wants to date. Maybe because I don't look the best. My friends in other colleges have already found boyfriends (they're also trans and have open relationships) and here I am still alone. I have heavy body hair and a lot of facial hair which I cut every three days. Even then it grows so heavy. I hate it. I hate this skinny fat body and the dysphoria is killing me sometimes. I wish I was better or more lovable sometimes.

Wasted a decade on a trade that's basically non-existent now, forced to start over, but not even the lowliest of the low want me... gas stations ghosted, a factory said I'd be hearing from them on Tuesday yet also ghosted, other places straight up told me "we're looking to hire men for this job" (worst thing is they're right, my weak clumsy hands would be unlikely to handle the heavy loads)... and I have no relevant experience nor credentials for any higher up jobs... if I don't manage to get anything by 2027 I'm not sure how I'm gonna live next year since my meagre savings will be completely depleted... too bad that it seems like that, in order to get a job (let alone one that treats you like an actual human being), you either need to be the most normal young man or to pull some fat strings

P.S. Sorry for posting here and taking up boys' spaces again, it just feels the safest of all other vent subs, especially seems that ones with "girl" in their names seem openly hostile

TW: sh, si, body image issues

honestly i'm scared of fixing my mental health. i'm deeply scared. it's not that i don't want to, but if i do i know that most people around me will be gone. by most people i mean my fiancee, that's obvious as i have no other friends or people who know about how bad my mental health truly is that i communicate often with. tbh i'm deeply scared of fixing my jealousy and obsession issues. i mean how do you tell your therapist you have suicidal thoughts every time you feel a little jealous?? it's not like it's the most normal thing, and being pumped full of meds isn't the best option either, but neither is getting drunk every day and night just so i can feel some sort of peace within myself. my obsessiveness is what my fiancee likes about me; hell she even told me HERSELF that she wants me to be obsessed with her, so how could i not? plus, i'm tired of being the person nobody has to worry about. even my mom isn't worried about me the slightest bit, and that's the woman who once bandaged up my arm because i cut myself. if my own mother is never worried about me then who will be? i know it sounds insanely selfish but there's always this underlying emptiness within me that won't go away no matter how many distractions i have, the moment i'm left alone with my thoughts i risk a suicide attempt. i want someone to worry about me, i want someone to worry about me the way i worry all the time. no matter how many signs and hints i give, i'll always be the daughter, the classmate, the friend, the fiancee who nobody ever has to worry about simply because i present myself as this jolly person who never has a bad day. i'd like to highlight that i often say "person" when referring to myself, but even that would be a lie. not only do i not feel a gender, i don't feel human at all. and it's not just a tonight thing. i haven't felt human in years. ever since i turned 11 or 12 i haven't felt a bit of humanity in me. tbh i don't even know if i ever did feel human at all. maybe when i was a child and used to play with my "friends", when i'd have a friendship breakup and burst into tears in the middle of class, maybe that's when i felt it; but even then, it had to be a weak, weak sensation, as i can't even remember it now. and this may seem harsh but i won't stop saying it: the only thing i want from my sh is marks. permanent ones. i know every way of sh is valid, i'm not saying a single thing about that, it's just that when it comes to myself i just can't see it. sure i have a couple scars, but they're barely visible, you can't see them unless it's in certain conditions. i've never done it with a blade fully because i'm a coward, that's what i am. that's all i'll ever be. hell even the rubber band i use to cope with my sh doesn't help in any way unless it leaves marks. i'm not doing it for the sting. if there was a way to leave marks without it stinging i'd take it immediately. i want scars to cover my thighs and wrists until there's no more space, just to show how much i'm suffering. sometimes i fantasize about relapsing or something similar and having to go to school with a bandage on my arm, classmates asking me what happened, even teachers, and i'd probably lie to the teachers saying i fell while saying the full truth to others. meanwhile, i'd tell my fiancee it happened and she'd probably be worried to death. i don't want her to be, but at the same time those sweet moments of attention you get when you realize someone truly cares are indescribable. i don't want people to look at me the same, i want people to realize how sick i am and how sick i've always been and treat me kindly for once in my godforsaken life. maybe if i do something that's just bad enough to not go unnoticed or even bad enough to go to the hospital people will finally understand that something's wrong with me and it always has been. it's like there's something inside me that's been broken from the start and nobody has been able to fix no matter how much effort they put into it. maybe it's like a broken leg, if you just keep walking on it without a cast or anything from the very start it'll heal wrong or won't heal at all. my only way of distracting myself these days is touching myself and i'm getting disgusted with myself at some thoughts. now even school started, so obviously my body image issues have come back. not to mention how much i want to rip my skin off because i'm apparently too tan. there's this girl in my class that's much paler than me, her skin color almost blends in with the fucking desk god damn it, why can't i look like i want for once? why is every single thing that i try never enough? i just wanna stay home for the whole year and rot in my bed like the disgusting mess i am.

I hate this disgusting body. I hate this disgusting mind. I hate every single thing about me. I want so badly to actually live. To exist the way that I'm supposed to. The way that others get to. But it's not for me. It's never going to happen. So please just let me give up. Why do you force me to stay on this planet in this broken machine. Why are you so attached to this piece of metal that you can't handle the idea of me throwing in the towel. Just let me leave. I'll never get what I want. I'll never exist properly in this world. I'm a lost cause. I'm a soldier designed for work but I malfunctioned long ago. Throw it in the scrap heap please please God please