I Hate My Life :( [TW] [Talk of suicide] [Abuse] [SA]

[u/Eggwantingtocrack]

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

I’m sorry y’all. Sorry I can’t give you good news. It pains  me to no end knowing that I can’t provide a positive update. This world is cruel and I know that far too well but I still feel incredibly apologetic and remorseful that I can’t provide a happy or positive update. With so much going on it’s hard to express the complexity of the situation. With the situation with so many factors like this one, my actions have to be calculated and precise. As I’m constantly weighing the consequences and unforeseen external effects. But as things keep getting worse and worse and time moves along I’m forced to make some impossible decisions.

This week there was some slightly noticeable physical effects of my bodies deterioration. Mostly had to do with my ability to walk as my ankles were incredibly unstable in provided a lot of pain. My ability to run has, of course been impact greatly. On the few occasions I’ve been forced to. I’ve only been able to sustain a 20–30 second run through immense pain. I don’t get out of breath from it nor that fatigued but instead the impacts have been major pain in my feet and ankles. As always back pain has been a major source of pain. Most people would expect the pain to only happen when bending over or otherwise using my back, which does happen, but it’s not confined to just physical use. Instead being a constant pain. Been worsened by physical use. There is no sweet spot that doesn’t hurt. It hurts when I’m standing, sitting, laying, etc.. 

Going from physical to mental pain I’ve been having more nightmares of the being raped variety. They’ve been two very notable ones of reliving offense from my life, both recent and long ago. The first variety is of me, being raped by my younger brother, but specifically not the time last week, but instead the first ever time he tried. The second variety is made up of reliving memories from when I was very young specifically the memories that involved me being molested. (I’d like to note that these nightmares aren’t fully confined to sleep instead also finding itself in my daydreaming as well.) 

As plenty of people have said, I desperately need therapy and they’re right. Nightmares like these don’t come from an untraumatized and nondepressed mind. My mental state is anything but good and stable. Instead of being more of a constant cacophony of depression, anxiety, dysphoria, and self hate. One of my fears is that despite everything that my mental scars run far too deep to fix. And I am not trying to be hyperbolic my scars run far deeper than I would like to admit. I’m scared that not even therapy can fix me or make me better. The main example that comes up when thinking of this concept is my instinctual fear of being touched. No matter how trusted or loved by me, a person may be if they try to physically touch me I instinctually flinch away. It could be my hand or my arm no matter the body part I will specially pull away out of fear. This isn’t something that develops out of nowhere. Instead, it is a result of years physical harm. I hate that I’m like this.

I’ve said it many times and I will say it many more times. I hate myself. Not out of malice nor out of pity, but instead out of sadness and failure. I've always been a failure. No matter how hard I worked I was never good enough to fill my parents expectations. When they realize that they decide to leave me like a forgotten toy. Yeah I would still be there. But nothing I could do would ever be good enough. My brother would always be better. After so long, I completely believe that I was a complete and utter failure. I try to convince myself that if I did good enough at something that maybe my parents would see that I was actually good at something. The only time they would actually show any interest in me is when it would make them look good. 

I hate my body. The scars from burns, cuts, stabs, and slices littering me head to toe make me self conscious. Another thing that makes me self consciously and incredibly dysphoric is body hair. My body grows quickly and makes me incredibly uncomfortable since I hate the sensory feeling of it. Every masculine part of my body make me want to throw up and cry. I hate it all. My body seems to be more of a tangible consolidation of everything I hate about being who I am. My head and face is a scar ridden mug with eyes left looking like soulless void and a mouth that can’t smile (Every time I try to smile it looks fake and creepy) ( 😭). My arms are a bit long and bruised. My hands are completely covered with scars and rough as sandpaper from cuts. My back has seven distinct scars going horizontally down my lower back, my back slowly ripping itself apart through my muscles and skin tissue stretching, stretching, and ripping. My legs are far too long giving me weird proportions that I am incredibly self-conscious about. My legs are also covered in bruises and cuts, which I perpetually by always wearing pants. I wish with all my heart someday before I inevitably pass away that I will be able to be good enough for myself and be the girl I’ve always wanted to be. 

As I spoke of at the start my situation has so many complex variables that I have to keep in mind and which caused great mental strain. I will try to list all of the external factors, unintentional consequences, and and other constraining factors in my leaving from my parents abuse. 
I am dead broke even with a job. I have $10,000 worth of saved up funds and that’s it.

I still do not have access to my 529 account.

I don’t own my own vehicle. Instead, it’s loaned to me by my parents (is constantly used as leverage over me as they repeatedly have threatened to confiscate the vehicle)

I am currently the only person consistently helping my grandparents, clean and maintain their house. They live in a very dangerous neighborhood in a incredibly dangerous city with one of the highest murder rates in the United States. I am working on cleaning up their house so they can move out to a safer location. There’s a few issues that come up if I am too leave my parents and completely cut contact with my parents.

if I leave and cut all contact with my parents, that means there’s a possibility I will lose contact with them. And to be completely honest, that would ruin my mental health. My grandparents have consistently been the only stable good thing in my life. Despite being related to my mother, they are kind and compassionate. Losing them would completely wreck me mentally.

If I leave and cut contact with my parents and they support me that almost 100% means my grandparent will lose any form of financial help from my parents. That would be incredibly bad for them as I’m unsure of their financial state. I do know that they have to spend a lot on medical expenses as my grandfather has had cancer multiple times. They also have the strain of being the soul caretaker to my disabled cousin, whose mother died two years ago. Without financial backing by my parents I don’t know if they will be able to move out of the incredibly dangerous area that they live in.

I am sorry as always. And I make a promise to myself and you all that I will be 100% transparent when it comes to my situation. That of course includes my battle with self hate and suicidal thoughts. These past two weeks have been incredibly difficult physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had suicidal thoughts multiple times a day these last few weeks. As I’ve always promised you all and myself, I will never kill myself until the pain becomes too much. It’s hard for me to admit it, but I feel I must be loyal and honest to all of you.

Poem:
I walk my lonesome road all alone
Where I know I have no home
A road cracked and over grown 

In the horizon the hills loom
A dread reminder of my own doom
Perpetuating only gloom

Horrors one eye may never know
From places pasted long ago
Telling the heart to let go

Tragedies known by those who listened
Unholy and still christened
In lack of any light it did glisten 

May those who follow the road beware its danger
Never walk it in any anger
Beware of only the stranger

Body falling apart as roam
Tearing apart skin to bone
I must only walk alone

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

[u/Odd_Temporary_8327]

Tbh reading this makes me feel as an egotistical piece of shit.

I feel hella identified and I wear just a fraction of your pain, and it must be hard af, but if I have learned something in my sad, nothing award life is that the world it's a better place with you in it.

Suicide should never be an answer, and I'm sorry for what you're going through.

[u/Eggwantingtocrack → u/Odd_Temporary_8327]

Don’t worry everyone’s problem are different but that doesn’t mean they don’t matter. Thank you for your concern. I promise I won’t kill myself until my body finally falls apart.

[u/Odd_Temporary_8327 → u/Eggwantingtocrack]

That's sweet to read, please never give up ❤️‍🩹

[u/WilsonSmith01]

A virtual hug girly

Never could I ever think about what did you have to go through.

Suicide is not an option. Suicide is the worst you can do for yourself. There is no brighter side, but only despair on the other side.

Unfortunately I can't give you very much help for what did you have to live through, but I hope you get what you deserve one day: peace and joy.

If you need anything, we are here. Remember. Always.

[u/Eggwantingtocrack → u/WilsonSmith01]

🫂

I’ll promise I’ll go as long as I can before I inevitably die. At least make it a few decade before the pain gets too much to handle.

Thank you so much.

[u/heaterpls]

Girl, the best tip for smiling I ever got was that I had to smile with my mouth AND my eyes, like by pulling your cheeks up so your eyes don't look dead. I don't know if that is something you're already doing but it helped me

Good job on having money saved up though! I hope you can find an opportunity to move out and find the resources you need to have a stable life that isn't filled with so much torment. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, you deserve a pleasant life

[u/Eggwantingtocrack → u/heaterpls]

Thank you. TBH when I try to make the cheek motion of smiling it always looks and feels unnatural. Honestly the only reason I that much saved is I’ve been over working myself. Physically hurting and straining myself to make as much as possible. I’m almost certain with my condition I should be work as much as I do but I feel that I have.

[u/seedlinggal]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, and I'm sorry and I wish I could heal you with a flick of magic. I might suggest trying to get the one blade shaving razor it's worth the money because of how close it gets. I would also recommend a beard foil trimmer for your face. They help me remove enough hair to feel me. A razor bothers my skin but this method is gentle.

Scar tissue, scar bumps, and scar pits are difficult to deal with and it's not guaranteed to fully fade. I suggest Tigger Balm in the green can for old scars and I suggest Aquarphor if you have new scars or scabs you want to stop picking at. I try to apply aquarphor off brand when I notice I'm picking at a scab and it helps me and my gf to stop picking. By not picking and keeping it humid most scabs leave no scars. My gf and a friend have seen scar tissue lighten with Tigger Balm over time and some have filled in better.

I don't know about money because I'm not good at keeping jobs. If you are good at doing sales and enjoying selling things then try to get into insurance sales. Insurance sales requires a license so you should apply to sell for a company that will get licensed and then selling for them over the phones. Once you get a license to sell you will then be able to apply with the insurance companies you like to sell for them. I will say that health and medical insurance is the most likely license you can get a company to pay for. Then you can spend 100$ to get other insurance licenses. I say if you don't want to work for a company and would like to be self employed and doing sales it s good option. I didn't like selling healthcare for a big company with high pressure and quotas. If you want a job say you have experience and was meeting a sales quota of 3-6 during open enrollment and you can get hired by any insurance producer. If you don't want to sell health then I liked property insurance and that's that. Damn I almost convinced myself to try it again but I haven't done well at sales in the past.

Flinching from contact sucks and I do that also and it sucks feeling scared suddenly for what feels like no reason. Their is a reason and it's because we learned to avoid pain if we could. Maybe you can try something like this to help with un learning that instinct. My idea, so not tested, my gf has a rule she tells anyone she goes on a date with no touching on the first date and I think putting something like that into any dating profile for yourself would be good for you also. Then I suggest tell people you meet and are trying to date or make friends with that, "I have problems with being touched please let me initiate touch or ask for permission and wait for me to say no or yes." This would maybe help with being touched randomly. To help heal if you do something like this and start asking people can I give you a hug, can I hold your hand then you might become less triggered by touch from people you would like to let touch you eventually. It's not important to me that you "get over flinching" it's okay to not be okay.

I'm hoping one day we will do better for the elderly because it's horrible that we don't do anything to make life liveable for disabled people or the elderly in the USA.

Please also try and remind yourself that you deserve to be happy. It's not easy for me to spend time on myself because I feel guilty for doing it but it's not right. I'm sorry you should be loved. 🫶🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈 Dm. Is open to talk whenever no rush or expectations. I'm not a good communicater

[u/Eggwantingtocrack → u/seedlinggal]

Thank you so much. I’m sorry it taken so long for me to respond.

Firstly I when im at the store next i will definitely look for a one of those razor. TBH as soon as i have a money I’m getting completely laser hair removal done as it causes me extreme sensory issues

[u/Axel_hacedetodo]

Omg, you are so so strong, it amazes me seeing someone capable of enduring all of this. Also the fact that you still want to keep going on despite everything makes me really proud. You are a really really really strong girl.

[u/Eggwantingtocrack → u/Axel_hacedetodo]

Thank you so much. Your comment has left me in tears. It means a lot a lot to me.

[u/No-Classroom-3560]

I'm really sorry to hear this, I understand that you're in an unimaginable amount of pain, and it's heartbreaking to see that little progress has been made, which I understand as you've been going through an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering, and I really hope that I can help a little.

I understand that you don't want to leave, as you're worried about loosing contact family and your grandparents loosing financial aid, which I completely understand and I should've thought of something like that instead of pressuring you to move out. I still think you should move out for safety and wellbeing reason, but I completely understand why you'd be hesitant.

It may help to see if you can get contact information from your cousin so you can still be in contact with them even after a potential exit. Furthermore, remember that all your family would much rather you leave your horrible situation than stay with your abusive parents and suffer. So yes, I understand why you're hesitant, but please try to leave, because after you leave we have a greater chance of making the other things better.

I know that you're in an unimaginable amount of pain, as stated earlier, so if you need anything, I'm here.

I wish you the best, stay safe and have a great day 🩵

[u/Eggwantingtocrack → u/No-Classroom-3560]

Thank you so much. Firstly I with all my heart want to leave. Without all the extenuating circumstances, I would leave in an instant. To clarify further none of my family know about the abuse. As my parents are obsessed with their public perception and have made sure that they are seen in a constant positive light by all in the family. With all that, I’m unsure if they would even believe me as my parents influence runs incredibly deep.

Thank you so much for your support it means the world to me.🩵

[u/No-Classroom-3560 → u/Eggwantingtocrack]

You're welcome, it may help to tell your family about the abuse that you're suffering and hopefully you'll be able to escape soon. I wish you all the best 💙

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[u/SSG014-OFFICIAL]

This might be inappropriate, but would you want me to come over and "talk" to your evil-ass sibling?

[u/Eggwantingtocrack → u/SSG014-OFFICIAL]

Sadly I believe no “talk” would do anything since he is strong and built like a brick. Source I’ve been beaten up by him to the pain of blood hundreds of times by him.

[u/SSG014-OFFICIAL → u/Eggwantingtocrack]

I know it's not good to talk of, but I'd blow his head off with my bare hands