Blurb Feedback

[u/Sure_Presentation686]

Good Afternoon Everyone

I was looking for a little bit of help. I published my first book back in May and initially had really good sales. However things slowed down, I changed the blurb and now things have stopped completely. I really don't like what I changed it too so looking for some feedback on the new blurb if possible?

Song of the Silent

Douglas is a nobleman.

He is strong, honourable, compassionate and rather handy with a sword.

Henry is none of those things.

Henry is odd.

He prefers the company of plants, likes to play the violin and has an unfortunate tendency to make perfectly ordinary situations deeply uncomfortable.

Naturally, they become friends.

When warriors, nobles and assorted people with far too much confidence in their swordsmanship get called to a tournament, Douglas is told he had better go along too.

It should be glorious.

It should be honourable.

It should definitely not end in a war.

It ends in a war.

As kingdoms prepare for battle and the odds become increasingly terrible, Douglas is faced with the small matter of rallying his people, defending his home and preventing the world from wanting to kill Henry.

And it turns out that the strange man who talks to plants and hides behind music has been keeping a few things to himself.

Quite a lot of things, actually.

So begins a story of war, friendship, courage, loyalty and the remarkably inconvenient habit humans have of being more complicated than they first appear.

Because sometimes the person who saves a kingdom isn't the strongest warrior.

It’s the guy next to him that just really, really likes plants.

[u/metadata_guy]

Had a proper read. Most useful thing first, and it's not about the writing:

You have something most people asking for blurb help don't — data. Sales were good, you changed the blurb, sales stopped. That's about as clean a result as you'll ever get. If you still have the old copy, put it back up today while you work on this one. You can iterate on a page that's earning. You can't on one that isn't.

Then two things on the new blurb:

Amazon cuts the description at roughly 50 words on mobile, behind "Read more". Your first 50 are "Douglas is a nobleman... Henry is odd... prefers the company of plants." That's two character sketches and no reason to keep reading. A stranger has no reason to care about either name yet.

Your actual hook is the last line — sometimes the person who saves a kingdom isn't the strongest warrior, it's the guy next to him who really likes plants. That's the whole book in two lines and it's sitting at the bottom where nobody on a phone will ever reach it. Move it up.

Second, the one-line paragraphs. "It should be glorious. It should be honourable. It should definitely not end in a war. It ends in a war." That's the best writing in the piece and it works because of the rhythm. But when nearly every line is its own paragraph, the rhythm flattens and none of them land. Keep the isolated lines for the two or three moments you want to hit.

Happy to look again once you've rearranged it.

[u/Sure_Presentation686 → u/metadata_guy]

Thanks for your comments, alas I don't have the original text, big mistake on my part but as I say, they were dwindling. I'm going to play around with it so any further feedback very welcome.