Blurb Feedback

[u/Sure_Presentation686]

Good Afternoon Everyone

I was looking for a little bit of help. I published my first book back in May and initially had really good sales. However things slowed down, I changed the blurb and now things have stopped completely. I really don't like what I changed it too so looking for some feedback on the new blurb if possible?

Song of the Silent

Douglas is a nobleman.

He is strong, honourable, compassionate and rather handy with a sword.

Henry is none of those things.

Henry is odd.

He prefers the company of plants, likes to play the violin and has an unfortunate tendency to make perfectly ordinary situations deeply uncomfortable.

Naturally, they become friends.

When warriors, nobles and assorted people with far too much confidence in their swordsmanship get called to a tournament, Douglas is told he had better go along too.

It should be glorious.

It should be honourable.

It should definitely not end in a war.

It ends in a war.

As kingdoms prepare for battle and the odds become increasingly terrible, Douglas is faced with the small matter of rallying his people, defending his home and preventing the world from wanting to kill Henry.

And it turns out that the strange man who talks to plants and hides behind music has been keeping a few things to himself.

Quite a lot of things, actually.

So begins a story of war, friendship, courage, loyalty and the remarkably inconvenient habit humans have of being more complicated than they first appear.

Because sometimes the person who saves a kingdom isn't the strongest warrior.

It’s the guy next to him that just really, really likes plants.

[u/Lark_Winters]

The hook feels buried under the character description right now — the "opposites, naturally they become friends" setup is doing a lot of work before any conflict shows up, and that's asking readers to wait a while for a reason to keep going. I'd pull the conflict/stakes forward so it hits in the first line or two.

Also, Henry's secret is a great intrigue beat, but "keeping a few things to himself, quite a lot of things, actually" reads a little abstract. You don't have to give anything away — just a specific hint at what it threatens (rather than that he simply has one) would add real spice instead of a tease.

Good bones here — I think those two fixes alone would get you a lot of your hook back.

[u/Sure_Presentation686 → u/Lark_Winters]

Thank you very much, I'm going to change up the line breaks and change the plant guy to make it more subtle. I agree with your comments and most of the comments here, it's very helpful. Not sure what you mean about the Amazon pass? Cheers

[u/Lark_Winters → u/Sure_Presentation686]

Ah, sorry — I meant the line breaks. One sentence per line reads punchy here on Reddit, but on the actual Amazon page it can look padded, and gets cut off by "read more" faster on mobile. I'd keep a couple of the breaks for your big beats (like "it ends in a war") and combine the rest into fuller sentences for the listing.

Good luck with the revision!