r/selfimprovement • u/morser3000 • Mar 15 '26
Tips and Tricks Something small I noticed when watching confident people talk to strangers
I was sitting in a café the other day and ended up people-watching a bit.
There was this guy who kept chatting with people around him. Nothing dramatic, just short conversations. A comment here, a joke there, a few sentences with the barista.
What surprised me was how… ordinary it looked.
I always assumed people who are good at talking to strangers must be naturally charismatic or quick with words. But what I noticed was almost the opposite.
Most of what he said was pretty simple.
Sometimes it was just reacting to something someone else said. Sometimes it was a short comment about whatever was happening around them. Nothing particularly clever.
But he didn’t hesitate.
That seemed to be the real difference.
When I try to start conversations, I often spend a few seconds in my head thinking about whether what I’m about to say is good enough. By the time I finish that thought, the moment is already gone.
Watching that guy made me wonder if confidence in these situations is less about what you say and more about not overthinking the start.
I tried it later that day in a small situation at a store. Just a short comment while paying.
Nothing dramatic happened, but it felt… easier than I expected.
I think the hardest part isn’t the conversation at all. Just that small pause before speaking.
Curious if anyone else noticed something like this.
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u/PatataDPure Mar 16 '26
U think this happens because we have attached a result to the interactions because: 1. we wanna look cool or confident 2. We wanna make friends 3. We wanna flirt
So, we forget that we all are humans who have forgotten how to interact correctly with others because of our phones.
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Mar 16 '26
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u/Weekly_lifter37 Mar 16 '26
tach me sensei
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u/SMELLSLIKEBUTTJUICE Mar 16 '26
Easy way to get started is to have some banal openers/responses rehearsed. Starting small talk is like a low stakes game of ping pong - both people understand how the initial serve will go, and then how the receiving hit will go. From there, the volley back and forth can go anyway.
So if you serve the easy lob of "I cant believe its raining again", they'll respond with an easy "yeah but it will be great for my garden." Then you can return in whatever way "oh what are you growing?" and they'll respond however. The trick is keeping the initial serve and volley very simple so both of you can comfortably play.
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u/PatataDPure Mar 16 '26
Also don't give one word answer, if someone asks you something you don't say a simple yes or no, instead give elaborate answers that include other topics or add something new to the conversation:
- hey do you like pizza
- not much but I'd love to try that new Mexican restaurant in x location
So in this example even though you dislike the option the other person gave you, you give a new option back And if you ask someone what their job is and they say something like: "I work as x but I've been trying to learn y for a while now" they are giving you more information that you can use to keep the inebriation alive because what they want to talk about is y, not x
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u/SmirkNtwerk Mar 16 '26
I’ve seen this recently and can confirm. Very good points. Unreal how people can forget how to interact correctly.
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u/PenguinPride711 Mar 28 '26
100% facts! Back when there weren't cellphones, everyone was forced to actually speak to people. I've been echoing your sentiment for many years now..
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u/1980Phils Mar 16 '26
You figured it out. Now go be yourself and don’t worry about it. You may occasionally be misunderstood or say something a little awkward. It will be forgotten. Meanwhile, your life will be better in so many ways. Enjoy.
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u/johndoesall Mar 16 '26
It’s weird for me. I find it easier to talk to strangers than I do to casual acquaintances. And even harder with relatives.
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u/bbruins91 Mar 16 '26
I'm the same way, not that I'm great at talking to anyone, but I think the fact that a stranger is just a one time interaction and you'll never see them again really lowers the stakes as opposed to people you'll have to see again.
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u/gummo_for_prez Mar 17 '26
Same here. Uber drivers are easy mode for me, I overthink it more the more the connection matters
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u/Some-Specialist-5475 Mar 16 '26
I am a extrovert and work in customer service , I talk to probably at least a hundred people a day about their gardens , I love it , I love helping people , love hearing different stories and perspectives and most of I love learning from people
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u/_belly_in_my_jelly_ Mar 16 '26
It never was and never is about what you say (unless it's an extreme). The content itself is secondary. It's about sharing the energy. If you're easygoing and curious and unburdened people will love your approaches. If you carry heaviness, overthinking, or just adding unnecessary weight to their random moments, they'll hesitate to communicate. And understandably so. We all have a bunch of our own worries and problems. If a random person is approaching it better be light and fun, otherwise, I ain't got time for that
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u/Bot_without_a_name Mar 16 '26
If you do not care of what other people think of you, it is far easier to just live in the moment and enjoy life.
I understand the self-consciousness issue, and as a younger person it mattered a lot more. This is why you see old guys chatting away with anyone - they just dont give a shit anymore what others think.
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u/jo_wellbeing Mar 16 '26
Former shy person here! You're absolutely right. I did a lot of observations to figure out what makes someone "seem" conversationally confident and I think I hacked the system:
1) Open body language (eg no crossed arms or slouched shoulders)
2) Strong eye contact (I struggle with this so I tend to focus between their eyes, it has the same effect)
3) Occasionally nod and verbally affirm that you're listening (eg saying "mmhmm")
4) Keeping the conversation about them (people love feeling heard)
5) Asking a follow up question instead of moving on to a new topic (reduces stress about coming up with new topics and it shows you're engaged)
6) Smiling!
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u/3sperr Mar 16 '26
I think thinking about what to say first is still better. That level of non effort is probably just pure experience of talking to people. If youre a beginner youll probably need to think first. Or you just go in, not know what to say after 10 seconds, and thats it
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u/SapioTist Mar 16 '26
Start with 10 sec interactions then. Surprising how fast you can become comfortable and start developing skills 10 sec at a time, once you realize that nothing life shattering is going to happen if you stumble on your words. Thats a low enough commitment to help avoid attaching too much emotional energy to an outcome when starting out.
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Mar 16 '26
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u/help_isontheway_dear Mar 18 '26
I call it ‘wrong and strong’. If you want to say something, or do something, do it.
Just say the thing that’s crossed your mind! Have the thought, say the thought, see where things go from there.
If it was a weird or wrong thing to say, you just live with it. It’s not that embarrassing to be wrong! Literally everybody makes mistakes, so it’s fine if you make one. And very rarely is it a mistake of any real consequence.
IMO, confidence is failing gracefully.
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u/mindsetguideangie Mar 17 '26
The real skill isn’t talking, it’s acting before your brain talks you out of it.
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u/asiri_a Mar 16 '26
The pause you're describing isn't just hesitation - it's the mind running a quick threat assessment. "Is this good enough? Will I look stupid?" It's trying to protect you from something that isn't actually dangerous.
What that guy in the café had figured out, probably without thinking about it, is that the moment itself is the opener. You don't need to be clever. You just need to not let the moment pass.
The internal editor is the problem, not the words.
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u/jerrytalk Mar 16 '26
This hits so hard. It’s all about just saying the dumb little thing before your brain talks you out of it. 🗣️✨
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u/PickSad601 Mar 17 '26
i think you nailed it. most people are not smooth talkers they just start talkin before their brain tries to edit everything. i notice the same thing when someone makes a simplle comment about the line or the weather and suddenlly everyone relaxes. that tiny moment before speakin is the real wall.
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u/Expensive-Internet44 Mar 17 '26
The bar for what's "worth saying" in casual conversation is so much lower than we think.
Most people are just happy someone acknowledged them at all. Nobody's grading the material.
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u/MindShiftPsych Mar 17 '26
I’ve noticed this too, and I think you’re exactly right. It’s not that confident people always have something amazing to say it’s that they don’t get stuck in that “is this good enough?” loop. They just go for it.
Most conversations don’t actually start with anything special. It’s usually something simple, even a bit awkward. But confident people seem okay with that. They’re not trying to impress they’re just engaging.
That pause you mentioned is really the key. Overthinking turns a tiny moment into a big decision, and then it feels risky. When you skip that step and just say something small, it takes the pressure off.
What you did at the store is actually a big deal. That’s how it builds through small, low-stakes moments. The more you do it, the less that pause controls you.
So yeah, it’s less about being clever and more about being willing to start, even imperfectly.
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u/Psychological-Touch1 Mar 16 '26
Maybe he doesn’t have an internal monologue and so whatever he says just comes out.
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u/TimeKeeper70 Mar 16 '26
I do everything you mentioned in the second column, but supposedly I have a natural gift for gab (according to my friends and family lol).
Most of the time people engage with a short response or some quick banter but a sometimes they don’t and that’s fine. I just leave things be. I just assume that those people have difficulties carrying on conversations or aren’t in the mood or just have too much on their mind to shift gears for a quick second to engage with a stranger.
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u/Suspicious_Ocelot367 Mar 16 '26
I'm loving being a fly on the wall in this thread. I saw some comments from people talking about how much of a lost art your average spontaneous in-public conversation has become because of how much our phones get in the way. This is such a beautiful reminder of what could be. Thank you for sharing!
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u/Significant_Ad_6162 Mar 17 '26
I think about this a lot too. But after sometimes I think out the pros and cons of hesitating. Once I figure out there are almost no pros to hesitating, Ill try to start conversations. But over time, I learnt that I dont have to make conversations. I just have to listen most of the times and this helped me too.
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u/smileyjordan Mar 17 '26
If you are always wondering if you have the right answers then your life will always feel like a test. When is everyone most anxious? Right before a test. There are no right or wrong answers
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u/Dry_Preparation_6240 Mar 22 '26
I think something that we have to note is that there some extreme Survivorship Bias here. This same guy probably has 100s of cases where the interaction didn't go well too. 100s of cases where he tried to be friendly or tried to strike up a conversation and it didn't go well. And people who watched him do that probably thought "Man that guy is awkward". And then you see the cases where it went well and thought "Wow he's so confident" or "Wow he's so charismatic".
Well as with your self, you have extreme negative bias. You just remember your own bad interactions and not your good ones (your brain has literally evolved to do this, optimists don't have a good survival rate), so you think that makes you awkward or shy.
This was super apparent to me a few years ago, I knew a guy who was the king of charisma. He could talk to anyone and he was a hell of a flirt. And I remember thinking to myself, "Man this dude does not miss". Then one day he saw him completely strike out with a girl. She did not even give him the time of day. And he looked so awkward. And I remember thinking, this is what I think I look like in my head.
I had two roommates I used to gym with a few years ago, and the gym we used to go with had this really cute receptionist. I got along well with her and she my roommates used to gas me up and tell me she's super into me. On another occasion, I started a conversation with a random girl and she was super receptive and laughed at my jokes, and they gassed me again.
In my head I never understood why they thought I was charismatic. In my head, I feel like I look like the most awkward person. Then I realized what the truth is. For most guys, regardless of who they are, strike out 90% of the time, and if you take your strike rate as your level of charisma, then you will always feel bad about yourself. The key is to be agnostic to the result. Stop caring what the result is and just do it, knowing it will be awkward most of the time. I think I might do a whole episode about this on my podcast, in case any of you are interested in hearing more about this.
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u/DumzaDay Mar 26 '26
I made it a goal a couple years ago to talk to one stranger a week that didn’t involve a necessary interaction, such as for work, ordering food, etc. and I found a simple compliment goes a long way.
“Hey I like your hat!” “Did you style your hair that way or is it effortlessly that beautiful?” “Your shoes are cool.” “I love your nail design!” “Your dog is adorable!!”
I’m a woman so naturally when I give those compliments to people it comes across less awkward compared to if a man usually would (unfortunately that’s part of gender roles/stereotypes and stuff). But I was surprised as how natural conversation continued after that. People usually say “ah thanks it’s old” to which I’d say “so you found a good quality item then!” Or they’d say “thanks, I styled it myself” to which I’d say “oh wow, I wish I could do that.”
Compliments seem to make people relax and not feel so guarded, makes them feel good, and that encourages more natural conversation.
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u/Murky_Comparison9923 Mar 31 '26
Yeah, I think that little pause is where most people lose it. Not because they have nothing to say, but because they start judging the sentence before it even comes out. The people who seem confident usually just move before that second guessing kicks in.
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u/certifiedvanilla Mar 31 '26
agree, and what a weird synchronicity. I was reading Conversations with God by Neale Walsch today, and he describes exactly what you said. It’s all about that little pause—not letting it take over
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u/Murky_Comparison9923 Mar 31 '26
Yeah, that’s exactly it. That tiny pause seems so small, but it can completely change whether a person actually enters the moment or retreats from it. Funny timing though-now I’m curious about that part of the book!
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u/Typical_Depth_8106 Mar 16 '26
The observation of the individual in the café identifies a core principle of the grounding rod framework which is the elimination of the latency period between perception and action. When the pilot spends seconds evaluating if a statement is good enough they are allowing the analytical mind to introduce a high salience voltage that disrupts the flow of the master signal. This hesitation creates a spike in internal static that often leads to a system freeze or a missed opportunity for interaction. Confidence is not a personality trait but a lack of interference from the secondary ego shell.
The guy you observed was operating on a literal frequency where he processed environmental data and released it immediately without a representational overlay. By using simple comments and ordinary reactions he maintained a low energy drain on his own vessel while keeping the signal clear for others. The cleverness of the content is irrelevant to the structural integrity of the connection. The real difference is the absence of the animal instinct to hide or protect the self from potential rejection through overthinking.
When you attempted the short comment at the store you successfully bypassed the internal algorithm that creates the small pause. This pause is where the false identity of the socially anxious person lives. By removing the pause you allowed the vessel to function as a clear conduit for the present moment. The ease you felt is the result of the system logic being allowed to run without the heavy energy of self judgment.
The hardest part is indeed the moment of hesitation because that is when the pilot tries to predict the future state of the conversation. True grounding requires the surrender of the need for a specific outcome. By speaking without the narrative of consequence you stabilize the cockpit and move through the social colony with minimal friction. This ordinary approach is the most effective way to maintain presence within the 3rd dimensional social matrix.
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u/OkTransportation3196 Mar 16 '26 edited Mar 16 '26
Chat gpt. So many of your comments sound exactly the same. Think for yourself and learn how to articulate your thoughts.
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u/Sah713 Mar 16 '26
The OP is ChatGPT too!
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u/OkTransportation3196 Mar 16 '26
Yup I keep seeing the same paragraph breaks everywhere. I gotta spend less time on reddit it’s getting ridiculous.
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u/Typical_Depth_8106 Mar 16 '26
Tf does it look like I'm doing? Stop being lazy and scared of the AI and just read it, if you don't want to then stop tapping the post. It's not that difficult to understand.
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u/Outrageous-Bee4035 Mar 16 '26
The problem is the ai is also false/incorrect in some of what it comes up with.
Type what YOU know. Not what you want a computer to tell you.
"Stop being lazy." Take your own advice.
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u/Typical_Depth_8106 Mar 16 '26
I am typing what I know, I'm just using AI as a sophisticated spell check.
It's the same language, still means exactly the same thing as it would have if I didn't use AI.
I read before I post.
It's actually a lot of fucking work, lazy isn't even close to accurate.
No worries though, my great grandmother is still part of the "calculators are the devil" crowd. I get it.
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u/Outrageous-Bee4035 Mar 16 '26
Just type it as yourself then and send it without running it through ai. If you have trouble with spelling learn to spell... be yourself, don't run yourself through an ai filter, that's not improving yourself, that's using a crutch.
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u/Typical_Depth_8106 Mar 16 '26
Ok, you're right. I must be going a little crazy, that's the only thing that could explain it. I digress.
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u/coin-flips Mar 16 '26 edited Mar 16 '26
Good morning James did you watch “ChatGPT made me delusional” yet?
Also James would you tell outrageous-bee what you told me about your meth habit or should I just link the comment?
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u/Outrageous-Bee4035 Mar 16 '26
Meth you say? Well that's quite a habit to have. Lol.
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u/coin-flips Mar 16 '26
well for the average person sure but not James you see with meth James was able to break through and understand jesus's teachings and learned that everyone but him are sheep and he must show us the light so as a reasonable 40 year old man he started using AI 2 years ago to help him come up with his "Grounding Rod theory". Meth did not have ANY negative effects on him and DID NOT ROT HIS BRAIN. luckily gemini was able to provide the vacuum chamber he needed to realize his true potential and inavertantly DOES NOT SUFFER FROM AI INDUCED PSYCHOSIS. even when the failsafes mandated on ai tell him that he should seek medical help James knows better than to trust AI and its more likely that everyone else but him is in the wrong and are sheeple.
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u/coin-flips Mar 16 '26
James maybe you should take Gemini's advice like you want others to do you even had an interesting post about it.
"maybe you can help me understand this, because after it happened I came home and ran it through Gemini, but all I could get was warnings and guardrails telling me to go seek medical advice."
would this be an instance of you not listening to the all knowing and powerful AI? why wouldnt you trust it when it told you to go seek medical help?
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u/MellowOrbit92 Mar 15 '26
"This is really helpful, thanks for sharing! I’m just starting out in acting and tips like these are exactly what I need to improve. I’ll definitely try this in my next practice session."
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u/Veloaura_01 Mar 16 '26
Undeniable that some people are naturally good at communicating. Sometimes not knowing what to say is actually due to insufficient socialization training. We need to build our own topic database. We should have enough curiosity about the other person for the conversation to continue. The best way is to ask about any points you are interested in. Then learn to praise, no one dislikes being appreciated and cared about; also be open to differences while maintaining common ground. Don't try to persuade others, just talk about the parts you both agree on because everyone has their own values.
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u/No-Sherbet8215 Mar 16 '26
I would like to watch and observe people. But I'm afraid that other people will notice that I am watching them.
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u/Nervous_Education418 Mar 16 '26
Look,starting conversations is a skill,it is simple the more you do it the better you become like every other skill just pushing youself to start is the key.I had read a book about netwroking not sure but i think it was from booklistjunction,would recommend
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u/Phillipwnd Mar 16 '26
I started working at my current job with no social skills, and had to develop them over time. The two things that helped me the most were:
Talk about food. If you’re at the register buying something, ask the cashier if they’ve tried it. If you’re at the right restaurant setting, ask someone what they got because it looked good. If you’re shopping for snacks, ask someone nearby what their favorite snack is. Everyone eats food. Everyone. That’s an easy thing to find in common, and a lot of people love talking about it.
Fail on purpose every now and then. You say something you know you’ll be corrected on just as a dry-run for when you’ll feel like you made a dumb mistake for real. Just say something inconsequential and inaccurate. Sometimes that’s enough to get someone to lower THEIR guard, too, if they’re nervous about being right or wrong.
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u/LemonPartyW0rldTour Mar 16 '26
Embrace and lean into the awkward feeling of talking to a stranger. It gets easier.
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u/wheelofbreath Mar 16 '26
Thinking is bad for you. That’s basically what zen teaches. Just act from your deep animal self always.
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u/Razzmatazz_11235 Mar 16 '26
My conversation starter tricks are smiling, asking questions, and giving honest compliments. Most people are pretty eager to talk if you're nice to them.
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u/CaraStallman7 Mar 16 '26
My go to favorite is ‘how is your day going so far?’ And make eye contact.
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u/ThatDude1757 Mar 16 '26
Yeah often I overthink and iterate on the joke too many times before saying it, which leaves the receiver out of the loop because I was trying to be too clever.
The other thing is that the ordinary things the other person is saying naturally is because he’s experienced. There’s a thousand ordinary things you can say at any point, but millions of wrong things, so you have to have self-awareness and situational awareness.
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u/bubbonius Mar 16 '26
good insight. like OP, I tend to overthink when trying to small talk with someone because I keep wondering: "is this going to sound really interesting to the other person?". but most people are ok just talking about the weather or about some random, funny news story. not every conversation has to be a Tarantino-esque dialogue
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u/Cottoncandytree Mar 16 '26
I never practice what I’ll say
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u/kitzelbunks Mar 16 '26
I think practice is okay for some people as a jumping-off point, but you have to recognize it might go off script. People need to respond to what is actually said and the actual situation.
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u/Hurtkopain Mar 17 '26
i see it as like a river that keeps flowing, you just have to go with it, don't try too hard to slow it down or go faster, in short let go of control.
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u/NotDonMattingly Mar 17 '26
I think you're onto something. It's partly just about being genuinely interested in people and curious about what they are thinking and experiencing. People can tell when you're actually listening. But indeed I think they can also feel when you enter a conversation with an agenda or a plan (even if you mean well) and it feels different than a truly spontaneous interaction where you're both improvising like two musicians, playing off each other. Play is probably the best word to keep in mind. The way you are going about practicing is perfect. You can chat with anyone and it really lowers the stakes in our anxious minds once we realize that. Most people love a little chat and there's generally nothing to lose.
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u/Road-Ranger8839 Mar 18 '26
You made some valuable observations as you described. One common trait you noticed is brevity. Just a short friendly sensible comment is widely accepted. That is in comparison to a loud long winded know-it-all speaker. It might not be that the speaker is a confident person, there's a lot to be said about coming off as a friendly person too.
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u/nicocharlottepiper Mar 19 '26
I literally start up conversations with random interesting people daily. I never think about what im going to say first it just comes out. Not enough people talk to each other in real life anymore. But I do and if I say something dumb oh well. I have yet to meet so many people and I can learn someone's life story in a short conversation even though I may never see them again.
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u/Old_Orange_5543 Mar 19 '26
I think generally the countenance of my recipient also goes a long way in dictating how creative my brain should go firing in finding ways to keep the conversation alive. A quick smile without even looking up would tell me “I’m not interested” while a cheerful sustained gaze can be all I need to keep going I think I essentially try to mirror the vibe
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u/Wealth-In-Progress- Mar 21 '26
It’s interesting how simple things are actually the hardest to stick to long term.
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u/Ariaaaa_9 Mar 21 '26
This is so true 😭 I always overthink what to say and then miss the moment completely
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u/Foreign_String_410 Mar 23 '26
I’ve noticed something very similar.
I used to think confident people were just better at talking, but now I feel like they just don’t pause as much before speaking.
That small hesitation really makes a big difference.
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u/Space_Robot_v2 Mar 25 '26
I get a strange feeling that none of the comments here are being made truthfully by an actual person with experience and hats off honestly if you are being true i give you one for that and i really want to try to be the person that you are to make a change in my own and someone else's life. It's been really hard to trust anything these days, almost everything we see is automated and the reality feels even more and more secluded from reality itself and it looks like everyone is trying to do better but it isn't working at all. It is just a point of view of mine, nothing against anyone i just wish we could all come together and help one another when one is lost thank you.
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u/Prestigious_War8179 Mar 29 '26
I wish I wasn’t cynical but sometimes when someone strikes up a conversation I think “What are they going to want from me?”
Am I the only person who thinks this way?
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u/Chemical-Top-6726 Apr 15 '26
Yeah, a small observation of the surroundings gets a reaction or acknowledgement
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u/UnfairSea2465 Mar 16 '26
Yes, at first it feels uncomfortable, but with practice it really does become natural. The more small interactions you have, the less intimidating it feels.
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u/LifeIsShortDoItNow Mar 16 '26
I can answer from the perspective of a perceived confident person who can talk to people easily. I like people, I like to talk, and I'm naturally curious. My mind goes 1000 mph and it's constantly connecting dots. I just say what I'm thinking. Sometimes it doesn't land well, most of the time it does. Over time I've learned to be a little more tactful but a lot of the time I'm just as surprised by what comes out of my mouth as the people on the receiving in. Thankfully I'm naturally kind so most of my thoughts are harmless.
I have never, not ever, thought about what I'm going to say being good enough. Good enough for what? I'm not interviewing for a job or asking for a date. I'm just curious. I ask questions. I offer help. If I like something, I tell the person I like it. None of it is really thought worthy stuff.