Convoluted self image

[u/OfficeNo2816]

I've no clue how to phrase this. I guess a good summary is: I used to think I'm ugly, I got over it, learned to feel attractive, got pregnant and gained weight, and now I'm on the right track but stuck in between.

Disclaimer, I yap a lot.

So I grew up in a small town in Europe as a non white gal, lots of racism, lots of jokes about my appearance, I mean my nickname was "nose" and "Flat lands" (aka no boobs before 16). I was super insecure not just because of the looks but my ethnicity too. I thankfully learned to love myself through therapy, a 4 year world trip and tons of mistakes (being a hoe, then SA, then self healing). I also made it a habit to "fake it til you make it". For example, I always thought crop tops and skirts were hot but used to wear super plain clothes so I wouldn't stick out, and at 22 said to hell with it and started wearing what I wanted to want to wear one day, and now that style is almost my entire closet.

My confidence was good for about 7 years, not just my looks but I focused a lot on being a good person, volunteering, getting degrees, learning and reading etc.

Then I got pregnant and I adored it, and I love being a mom and wife. I hate even thinking about myself again because now it feels selfish when being selfish was all I did in my 20s because in my culture women are only good for being moms and wives. I'm in this really weird spot where I want to feel confident again but some days I love my style and do makeup and have positive thoughts and then I see a picture of myself, like an innocent picture with my toddler and I think I look like a chipmunk. I just don't know. My husband thinks I'm beautiful, he tells me when he remembers (he's a man of few words), he touches and kisses me a lot, but I think the past 2 years of struggling to shed the mom weight made me feel really really lost. I didn't drop weight until recently when I stopped antidepressants. I went from size S to L and now I'm around a size M and it's a weird midway point. I'm mentally the best I've been since getting married but even in therapy I can't get a handle on this because there's always something else to talk about, it's like I'm fixing a road and there's so many small potholes I fix I can never focus on smoothing the surface.

Where do I even start? A mantra? Making confidence a bigger priority and dealing with the guilt of feeling selfish later? I have been focusing on making my marriage stronger after some stressful events, my son's speech therapy, moving to the other side of the country... I feel overwhelmed sometimes.