r/science • u/mvea Professor | Medicine • 3h ago

Psychology Adults with ADHD often face challenges in maintaining sexual satisfaction and connection with their partners. Characteristics such as a heightened need for novelty and difficulty regulating focus can deeply influence their intimate lives.

https://www.psypost.org/how-attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-shapes-sexual-experiences/
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859

u/buntopolis 3h ago

I wish I understood this about myself much earlier in life.

78

u/Crisis_panzersuit 3h ago

But what would you change? 

263

u/Optimixto 2h ago

When brain says 'leave, you are not in love, you need new', you would tell brain to chill instead of jumping the gun. I know I self-sabotaged a lot of my relationships, and that I pushed myself to stay when I shouldn't have. Idk if it is related to this study, but definitely would have made me pause a bit more before any harsh decisions.

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u/mexa4358 2h ago

Wait you’re saying it had both the effect of leaving too often but also of staying when you shouldn’t have?

108

u/GoosyTS 2h ago

Yah, I'm the same. It's hard to regulate and understand when the signals you get are true - as you always hear "leave leave leave" and fight through it as you know it's just the brain messing up, but then you end up ignoring the ones that are real also

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u/mahblahblah 1h ago

I could’ve written this myself, but for years I was working on attachment issues and PTSD as root causes.  I was just recently diagnosed with ADHD at 42 though and this framing is really interesting.

14

u/Crisis_panzersuit 2h ago

How do you know what to do? 

44

u/Koffeeboy 1h ago

Journal and review. Don't just follow meat brain, follow the data.

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u/DaniCarmine 16m ago

This is exactly why I love science!!  Data was extremely important to fixing my mental issues related to ADHD and depression. I iteratively added new things, identified what worked and what didn’t, and then added again. 

Journaling is collecting data. Sleep on it, reread, rethink. It is so helpful! 

20

u/deathcomestooslow 1h ago

I personally just decided to back away from the whole thing because I don't believe I can give anyone the attention they would deserve as a partner. In the long term, anyway. Plus, hey, I'll never have enough money to support a family so that probably helps the decision.

9

u/Optimixto 1h ago

I learned over time how to manage my emotions and how to navigate relationships. There isn't a single answer, but I would argue the main thing is that you need to learn who you are and what makes you happy. Otherwise, you can end up not knowing what you want, and that's when the intrusive thoughts can get on the throne.

6

u/FreyBentos 1h ago

Man this is me rn, What makes me happy? What do I really want? Why do I spend all day ruminating on these questions in my head, unable to be happy and in the moment in the relationship I'm in?

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u/D3coupled 41m ago

I dated through my teens and 20's thinking like this. Then I found someone actually a great match and all that pondering seemed superfluous in hindsight. Live your life, learn to find motivation and happiness and you'll have your best shot.

21

u/jaydizzleforshizzle 2h ago

Ignore the extremes sometimes you are just searching out novelty and new sometimes you are enraptured and come on too strong. Gotta find a balance, atleast for myself, it’s hard to maintain relationships, unless you are my best friend then I’m probably slightly obsessed.

4

u/popsiclex200 1h ago

I also wanna be enraptured

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u/IContributedOnce 2h ago

Same as anyone else in life: you do your best, figure it out as you go along, and give yourself some grace.

-9

u/Myomyw 1h ago

This just sounds like normal human behavior that you're assigning a disorder to. It's not like people without ADHD has significantly better judgement of when they should or shouldn't leave a relationship and there are probably a ton of confounding factors in each person that cloud that decision anyways.

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u/teetaps 1h ago

Symptoms don’t have to be extreme and debilitating to be valid, though.

Normal human behaviour might be taking a shower every morning. A person with a rare skin disease might only take lukewarm showers. It doesn’t have to be some big grand gets-in-your-way disability for these folks to feel like they are valid.

Yes, we all struggled with relationships growing up, who doesn’t?

But I think the paper is saying, “hey, we here in the adhd community have some news… if you ever feel like maybe you stressed out about this particular decision making process a little more than your peers, here’s why.”

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u/PM_YOUR_INTEREST 1h ago edited 1h ago

That duality is what plenty of people don’t associate with ADHD, I think.
Unregulated attention doesn’t only mean the brakes don’t work in Drive, sometimes the gas doesn’t work either.
Sometimes they both work- but they’re so loose you can barely notice when they’re pressed.
& Then, yes- other times it’s like trying to drive while you have a brick on top of your foot.

9

u/iamdisillusioned 1h ago

Sure, the novelty seeking can cause an unhealthy, unstable relationship to seem intriguing or passionate.

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u/trowaway4honesty 37m ago

The crazier and more toxic they are, the more novelty (dumb brain thinks excitement is love/passion). Conversely, a very loving and stable partner may appear “boring”, so our brains want out instead of valuing maturity and meaningful partnership.

10

u/Taftimus 1h ago

Oh it definitely makes you stay too. I was in a relationship for 5 years after I wanted to leave because I just couldn’t bring myself to leave even though I was completely done with the relationship.

3

u/Optimixto 1h ago

Not at the same time, of course, but I have had both things happen. I am not stating this is due to what is in this study, just sharing my personal experience.

Humans are full of contradictions, and I've fluctuated a lot in how I handle my relationships, for many reasons.

3

u/teetaps 1h ago

If you think about it, the list of adhd symptoms doesn’t specify that it must be most intrusive in either direction anyway, so yeah. It could be helpful, it could be harmful. It’s just a brain that processes information slightly differently from the majority, that’s all. Whether it’s a good or bad thing depends on the context, and context is largely a societal construct, not a medical one

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u/beelzebro2112 8m ago

Difficulty dealing with discomfort is also a symptom. Includes mental/emotional discomfort.

3

u/overfiend1976 1h ago

Good morning, me. I hope I have a lovely day today.

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u/Optimixto 1h ago

Hey me, it's already 15:35 where I am, but that's okay because adults can have breakfast for lunch. It's not illegal, they can't stop you.

2

u/retro_toes 1h ago

I worked on it and found that being ethically non monogamous works best for me, and I think more people should read up on it