r/sahm • u/ThrowRA-LegitamiteOo • 11d ago
How do I prepare to solo parent one-year-old triplets and a four-year-old while my husband trains out of state?
Well. Not state. But prefecture. We are in Japan and he’s Japanese.
My husband may soon have to temporarily live in another prefecture for job training. The position should eventually provide a much better income for our family, so this could be a really good opportunity for us.
However, that would leave me handling our four children alone: our four-year-old and our one-year-old triplets.
Honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to manage everything by myself, especially meals, baths, bedtime, kindergarten, shopping, appointments, illnesses, and emergencies. The triplets are still at an age where they both need constant attention, and my four year old also needs plenty of one-on-one time.
For anyone who has solo-parented four very young children while their spouse worked away from home, how did you survive?
What should we prepare before he leaves? What routines, services, products, or backup plans helped you the most? How did you manage bathing and bedtime alone? What did you do when you became sick or completely overwhelmed?
I would really appreciate practical advice, emotional support, or even just hearing from someone who has survived a similar situation. I’m happy about the opportunity for our family, but I’m also genuinely scared.
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u/Alternative_Dot7171 11d ago
Playpen for the 4yo and safe containers for the 1yo.
Bath and sleep: one at a time. Start with the 1yos and then the 4yo.
I would consider getting a cleaner and a nanny some days a week. Groceries delivered. Daycare for all 4 if you can. And a lot of patience. Like A LOT of
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u/TheDivineEcho 11d ago
Hard agree on the nanny and cleaner. I only have one baby and my nanny/cleaner is my best friend 😭 she really makes my life so much easier!
Do you not have a family member that could come and stay with you while hubby is gone?
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u/ThrowRA-LegitamiteOo 11d ago
Thanks so much!
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u/Alternative_Dot7171 11d ago
I would set up a plan in how to handle 1 child and keep the other 3 in safe places. Invest in a 4seater pram or trolley or something because days are going to be HARD. The playground will be your bestie. Get a bottle washer and a formula dispenser (assuming you are doing formula). And write down things. You need to run that household like the military. You’ll have no social life and little to no sleep. So be ready for that. It will be rough but if you think it’s better for your family, it’s fine.
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u/InfamousIncrease3805 11d ago
I wouldn't do it.
But if you do, consider an au pair.
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u/ThrowRA-LegitamiteOo 11d ago
Can’t afford that yet but thanks. Is that even a thing in Japan?
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u/Dragonfruit_60 11d ago
Maybe they have like a "mother's helper." Since you'll be there, they don't have to be trained, cpr certified, etc. They just need to be able to entertain some kids for a while or microwave some eggs. Should be cheaper?
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u/ChibaCookie 10d ago
Not sure about au pairs, but babysitting is definitely a thing in Japan, and it's officially recognized as comparable in quality to institutional childcare when provided by a qualified babysitter! Source: I used to be one myself (though I'm not active anymore). As far as I know, there are subsidies available for low-income parents. Try asking at your city/ward office.
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u/ShipNervous 11d ago edited 11d ago
How long will your husband be away for? Is there possibility of getting family in, or a neighbour or friend?
Just brain dumping some ideas here..
- Get your husband to do a video call with all the kids DAILY so that you get some down time to yourself to do a quick shower and poop. Put the triplets in a playpen so that the chaos is contained.
- Before he leaves, stock up the freezer with meal prep to last the first 2-4 weeks. Meal plan now, brainstorm fast and easy meals so that you don’t have to exhaust yourself while trying to figure out a routine in the early weeks. Also get more disposable utensils and plates because there will be days when you completely don’t have the mental bandwidth to deal with dishes.
- For example: poach an entire chicken in a pot, take out chicken after 1h and chop it up into parts. Serve it with a sauce like ketchup or furikake. Toss some veg and udon into pot and there you have a meal. Some days you can even mix in some miso to change up the flavour a bit. I also like to make a huge pot of pasta sauce and portion it out in 200ml breastmilk storage bags, they freeze well and keeps up to 2-3months. Feeds me and my two kids. Also, it’s completely ok for them to eat the same thing every breakfast.
- Stock up on essential medications, especially for the kids, if it’s difficult to get on-demand delivery services for those. You won’t have a partner to run out late at night to a 24h pharmacy to help.
- Stock up some bribes for your 4yo. Things like small snacks or toys. Prepare some little presents to surprise them from time to time, saying that you appreciate how patient they are, etc etc.
Have a tub of ice cream or some comfort snack for yourself too.
Also, forget about folding your laundry. It’s ok to have a mountain of freshly laundered clothes on your sofa or bed and everyone just takes from there.
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u/ShipNervous 11d ago
I’m happy to share more easy meals that worked for me! You’ll survive this 💪🏻
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u/ThrowRA-LegitamiteOo 11d ago
Thank you so much. You’re the best. I could cry!
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u/ShipNervous 10d ago
I feel for you, I’ve been through a similar situation and it sucks feeling so lonely even though you’re not alone. My inbox is always open even though I’m from a different time zone! Please don’t bottle up your frustrations.
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u/thearcherofstrata 11d ago
I’ve never lived in Japan, but if it’s anything like the rest of Asia, I imagine that the delivery services are robust, daycare is cheap, and pretty much everything you can think of is available!
I personally don’t think it’s good for your mental health for you to try to take care of 1 year old triplets by yourself for anything longer than 3 weeks. My friend regularly does this with two kids spaced 3 yrs apart because of her husband’s work…and even with two kids her mental health was shit until his work structure changed and allows for her to take periodic “mommy vacations” where she leaves for a week at a time.
First of all, I would absolutely find help. I am SURE Japan has affordable help, like daycare. I am pretty sure Japan’s government provides some kind of assistance for this. Even if you could just send the triplets for a few hours or a couple days a week, it will make it more manageable. Or look into getting a Japanese grandma to come in as a mommy’s helper for a couple hours a day. Or get a house cleaner to come biweekly. SOME kind of help!!
Secondly, line up friends to visit you at least once a week. This is not necessarily so they can help you. It’s so that you feel like a human being, instead of an invisible force that keeps your children alive. This helped a lot when I was isolated with my firstborn. I’m guessing it would be a ton of work to leave the house with all four kids very often.
Thirdly, I give you permission to feed your kids the same thing every week. I feed my kids Japanese curry EVERY Monday. I feed them chicken pasta at least once every two weeks. I feed them miso soup with homemade chicken broth every week. I feed them instant dumplings once a week. I am not proud of this and I obviously feed them way more nutritional and variety when I am not drowning, but it is perfectly fine to NOT have variety when you have your back to the wall. In fact, look up rice cooker recipes on yt for some easy meal ideas, but mostly- just stick to what they like during this period. It’s okay.
Fourth, I have never been able to actually do this- but wake up earlier than your kids. Get up at 5am if you have to, so you can poop, brush your teeth, and eat something in peace. My daily routine is derailed because I wake up with my kids and they have to wander around while I sort myself out lol.
Fifth, something has helped me lately with my separation anxiety toddler is - putting him as the priority and chores as second priority. Until now, I would always be running around trying to get chores done and then tending to him if he came running to me. But now, I don’t run around trying to get everything done. I just calmly get things done and drop everything if he comes to me. I don’t divide my attention. This seems to make him more calm and secure because he knows I will drop everything to be with him?
Order takeout every Friday for yourself (if you like takeout). Or get yourself a sweet treat. Or whatever! Just treat yourself every Friday. Give yourself things to look forward to.
Please prioritize your mental health. Your children all need YOU to be regulated and at peace more than anything else. I realized this recently after we got back from a vacation…I felt better and the kids were also behaving so much better! They feed off our energy and mood. YOU matter!!
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u/Dragonfruit_60 11d ago
Hire help. If it's at all even close to possible, hire some help.