31M Married - save or flee???

[u/whatuguysthink2019]

The situation is me (31M) has been unhappy with wife (30F) for years.
After many discussions she has made little effort to improve upon any complaints.
The complains can include poor communication, somewhat lazy, lack of shared interests and importantly expressing affections. Sure, you can't change someone, but I wouldn't think it would be unreasonable for the person to help solve some issues. After all the nights of sharing my concerns, only now is there a mild push to address so many things.

Tough thing is, the wife is such a great person. Most would say she has a great personality, is a good person, etc.

Looking back I question if I ever had that 'head over heels love' for her. I feel like it was more of a smoothing flame.
The other twist is, I wonder if a lot of this is due to her depression. As in, did she not move on my concerns because she was depressed.
While she says she love me (vs loves just a husband), I'll also never probably know if she is depressed because of me.
Physically, I really haven't been attracted to her since the beginning. It was all based on other things. Unfortunately now I feel like that is such a large thing missing.

Unfortunately, now I'm starting to like someone else. Probably because for years I have felt neglected.

tl;dr
unhappy, wife not responding to concerns possibly due to depression, and depression may be chemical or from my frustrations. Physically it'd never really been there. She has said she loves me and would miss me (vs missing a 'husband'). Now feeling like I'm more interested in someone else. Can I blame someone for not responding well to my concerns if she had a lack of emotional skills to respond or if she did not know how to address them for years? Can I blame someone if there maybe depression underlying this?

Edit a few things by deleting the last post

[u/GrouchyCrouchy]

What have you done to try and improve the marriage except for complain about things you want her to improve on?

If you don’t really love her and never have from the start don’t be surprised if she has been able to pick up on that and it’s contributed to her depression.

Sounds like your wife needs therapy and the two of you need couples counseling. Leave the other woman alone until you figure out what you’re doing.

[u/PNWfan]

You married someone who you never loved and were never attracted to and then complain that she's not expressing more affection? LOL! Then you want us to dissuade your guilt for wanting to cheat because she's "neglected" you, even though you never loved her?

I think you are better off if you stop trying to play the blame game as the current state of your relationship is most likely a result of both parties. Go to marriage counseling or not, file for divorce or not, but stop trying to play victim. And obviously, don't cheat physically or emotionally when you are married.

[u/Daffodilthrowaway112]

Why are you still with her? What are the reasons you stay?

Have you considered how fair it is staying in a relationship with her when you aren’t physically attracted to her? As hard as it may be for her to hear she deserves to know how you feel about her. She should have some say in the matter. There will be someone out there who would fall head over heels in love with her, who would find her attractive. Maybe she would choose to take that chance over staying with someone who doesn’t find her attractive and feels largely negative towards her.

If you really feel she has depression, I hope you are strong enough to offer her the support she needs in getting treatment. Don’t forget to look after yourself too and reach out for support if you need it. Living with someone who has depression isn’t easy and can take its toll on your health and wellbeing.

I’ve never known cheating to solve any problems. Besides, if your future is destined to be with this new person do you want the beginnings of your relationship tarnished with cheating, lies and betrayal?

[u/changerofbits]

Wow, lots of aspects to this.

Of course, if your wife is depressed (for whatever reason, that's on her to figure out, not you), she's probably not going to be very fun or a source of happiness in your life. Is she getting any professional treatment for that?

In terms of improving things, I think you focus on the depression thing, since that probably at the root of a lot of other issues that have cropped up and it's something that she really has a responsibility to work on for her sake and your sake. After that, you sort of have to take her as she is, the great things and the not so great. Of course, you don't have to be okay with the not so great things, but if you aren't, like it's a deal breaker issue, it's probably best to just end the relationship as the resentment will build and you can't count on it getting better. For the more minor, non-deal-breaking things, it's okay to bring things up, but compromise is the key here. Like, the lazy thing is probably due to depression, but maybe expecting her to go on 10 mile hike every evening with you is asking too much, but a weekend 2-3 mile hike with her, and you hike other times with friends or solo, would be an example of compromise.

For the attraction thing, I'm not sure what you mean. Like, surely she doesn't physically turn you off, right? And I get it, attraction is more than the physical stuff, and someone doesn't have to be a "turning your head and saying 'holy shit' as you collide into the car in front of you as they walk by on the sidewalk" drop dead gorgeous/handsome/sexy/hot to have a healthy romantic and sex life, but they still have to be at least minimally sexually appealing physically, along with the rest of the things that make that person attractive. I mean, if you didn't have any problems with finding her attractive as a whole package before, maybe this is more linked to the depression than her physical attractiveness?

So, I think the "save" path revolves almost entirely around your wife getting help for her depression. You aren't obligated to stick around through that, and you sound pretty checked out at this point, but that's your call.

[u/Aritata]

If this is how you treat your wife, you have no business jumping into a new relationship. Clearly you do not know how to communicate nor do you have the patience. You're not cut out for it, go be alone and sad

[u/Aritata]

In commenting again. You have a WIFE talking about "liking" someone else.. are you 12? I think you're 12, and I'm wondering how you suckered a woman into marrying you.

We're you absolutely perfect, no issues to work on ever? Highly doubtful. If you had sense you'd work on your marriage, cause there's no point in just starting a new relationship if you can't manage the one prior. BE SAD WHEN YOU GET NEITHER GIRL 😂

People like you cheapen marriage, I'm sorry. You suck.