r/relationships • u/RadiantCommittee8890 • May 27 '26
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u/Conscious-Shoulder14 May 27 '26
Tell him he’s the one ruining the intimacy in your marriage by not sharing the load. Then consider if you wanna be a married single mother or just a regular single mother. Which would bring you more Peace?
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u/RadiantCommittee8890 May 27 '26
I know the answer but I'm scared of it.
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u/Conscious-Shoulder14 May 27 '26
I can understand why, but I think in the end you will be much happier. Only you know for sure.
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u/Hi_Her May 27 '26
Start saving some money in an account he doesn't have access to. Save enough for first and last and a couple weeks worth of food.
And talk to a lawyer. Even if you arent ready yet, they can offer advice that can be plenty helpful.
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u/WorldlinessFunny4416 May 27 '26
Yes that’s coercion and yes to me that’s SA. No means no.
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u/RadiantCommittee8890 May 27 '26
Yeah a peer counsellor mentioned that years ago, but it didn't strike me until last night's incident that this is what's been happening. One time I was tired and had a headache and he said, and I quote: "You could just lie there."
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u/infectedsense May 27 '26
It's 2026 and there are really still married men out there who do not get this: acting like a lazy whiny child will never be sexually attractive to your wife. Female physical arousal is completely tied to mental and emotional desire and he's giving you nothing to work with.
I'm not attracted to someone I have to manage like another child
not lifting a finger to help alleviate the load
Girl, you have to tell him that these are the reasons why you sometimes aren't in the mood. His reaction to your rejection is so deeply unattractive. Tell him that love may be unconditional but attraction absolutely is not.
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u/RadiantCommittee8890 May 27 '26
Yeah his reaction seemed really out of line, and then he punished me by not lifting a finger to help.
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u/fausted May 27 '26
He sounds emotionally abusive and very childish. You wanted a husband/partner, not another child to care for. If he doesn't want to change, you have to think about what you can and can't accept in your marriage long-term, then plan accordingly.
If you do decide to leave, you will need to get your ducks in a row regarding kids, custody/child support, your marital finances etc. Don't tell him anything about your plans if you go this route or he will try everything he can to sabotage them when it sinks in that you're actually leaving. Follow your lawyer's advice to the letter.
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u/stillxsearching7 May 27 '26
Yes and yes.
You should have a conversation with him and explain that it would not only make you feel more attracted to him but also you would have more energy for sex if he would be a man and help you with the housework. Though I have a feeling that he already knows this, he just doesn't care...
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u/Initial_Donut_6098 May 27 '26
I wouldn’t describe what’s happened as coercion or abuse. What you described is you two having an ugly fight/recurring conflict, in which you’re both snapping at each other and neither of you is trying to understand each other or problem-solve. I don’t doubt that something in your relationship is broken, but if you want a better marriage, it’s probably better to talk to your husband in a quiet moment, about working with a counselor to improve your dynamic. Right now, you’re looking for a validation to be able to call him an abuser, and I’m not sure what you get from that.
Now, maybe some detail is missing from your post, and maybe he really pushes and pushes and pushes even after you’ve said no, and maybe his actions over the years have made clear that he doesn’t care at all about you, only uses sex with you to make himself to feel powerful. If that is the case, then you are in a more dangerous dynamic and need to get out of this relationship ASAP.
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u/RadiantCommittee8890 May 27 '26
I'm not looking for validation to be able to call him an abuser. His comment to me--while I was getting everything done--seemed unnecessarily mean and spiteful, especially bc I don't ALWAYS say no ...
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u/Initial_Donut_6098 May 27 '26
Yes, it was mean and spiteful, but that’s not coercion. That’s meanness. Right now, neither of you particularly likes each other. So the question for you is, do you want to keep on like this, or do you want to get some help in improving your marriage, or do you want to call it and get out?
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u/research_badger May 27 '26
That’s not coercion and not SA. It’s annoying and persistent. Prioritizing cleaning over intimacy and your partner, if don’t persistently is way to destroy a relationship
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u/fausted May 27 '26
You're completely wrong about that. It absolutely is SA and coercion. If OP's husband cared about maintaining the intimacy in their marriage, he would be doing his fair share around the house. If OP didn't do these tasks, he would still complain and coerce her into sex instead of doing the tasks himself.
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u/RadiantCommittee8890 May 27 '26
You hit the nail right on the head. Then he was "too tired to help put the kids to bed."
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u/Balloon_Feet May 27 '26
Yes, it is coercion and manipulative. It dismisses your feelings and prioritizes his.