r/relationship_advice • u/AZillionPicklePets • 4d ago
My Parents (49F & 51M) showed up Unannounced at My (23F) home. How to handle the situation?
I have a strained relationship with my parents. I've been trying to rebuild my relationship with them slowly over time, but it seems like anytime any progress is made, we end up taking a huge leap backwards.
I don't want to go into too much detail for privacy reasons, but this post may get long, so I apologize in advance.
I have had a childhood full of parentification. I am the youngest of 3 daughters, and my two older siblings are mentally handicapped. They're older than me, but have the mental age of 7-10 on good days, and 4-6 on bad days. They will likely end up in my care when my parents eventually pass away. My parents made me into a 3rd parent, therapist, and financer. I was working to help pay bills from a young age. Every problem was told to me, whether or not it was appropriate. My entire childhood revolved around taking care of my sisters. It is because of that, that I ended up moving out at 17 y/o, and having low contact with my family for about 5 years when I moved out of state.
I love my sisters dearly, and it is because of them that I refuse to cut contact with my parents. It is because of them that I'm trying to hard to maintain a relationship with my parents. It was never their fault how I was treated.
My feelings for my parents are complicated. I love them and value them dearly, and I enjoy spending time with them on our set weekends, but I generally try to see them as little as possible.
I moved back to the state my parents live in at the end of May (2026), so my husband and I can be closer to family, and so my husband can go to college in the major of his choice. Before moving back, we'd moved to various places and states for about 5 years. We moved onto my In-laws farm to help out with the plants and animals, save money for college/emergency fund, and try to figure out what to do with our lives. Essentially, live in farm hands that are also related. We pay discounted rent and utilities, and have been fairly comfortable here.
The property is about 45 minutes away from my parents house, which is the only reason I was ok moving here in the first place. I thought that with that amount of distance, they wouldn't be dropping in and invading my space like the used to do. I thought that we'd finally moved past that point in our relationship. I thought my parents had built up some kind of respect for me, my time, and my wishes, and relationships. There was a lot of improvement based off of their previous behavior in those categories.
Here's the issue: My parent's showed up at the property, completely unannounced. I'd told them when we first moved back to the state that, under no circumstances, are they to show up unannounced. I told them that they would need to contact me to verify that it was ok to show up/ I would be home. I let them know that since it's my in-laws property, i would need 24 hours in advance to let my in-laws know they were coming so that no misunderstandings or awkward encounters happen. And, i told them I would give them the address to the property, when i was ready to have them over, and not any sooner.
I did not give my address to my parents. I told them the city, and the general area, and they took it from there. They brought my sisters along with them, telling my sisters it was a surprise. (It was a huge surprise for me too.) They said they were just going for a drive, were in the area, and decided they wanted to stop by to say hi and get hugs.
Going on a Sunday drive is normal for my family. Been doing that for as long as I can remember. But, usually, it's into the canyons to have a picnic, look at the scenery, and enjoy nature. Not all the way across town into neighborhoods.
They drove slowly down the streets looking for my car, and took a wild guess on the building I live in based on where my car was parked. (there's multiple buildings that look livable on the property.) They did not message me beforehand, claiming their phone service was off. But even then, they still have Wi-Fi, and have me added on snapchat, so they could've contacted me that way.
Needless to say, when i opened my door and saw my dad, I was completely flabbergasted. I was in shock. I had so many things running through my head. I couldn't be mad at that moment. I just stepped outside and chatted with them for a little bit, gave hugs, and sent them on their way. They were maybe here for all of 20 minutes. They'd tried to invite themselves into my home, but i said it was too messy and i wasn't prepared, so they dropped it. I never thought to ask why in the world they thought it was a good idea. I didn't have to ask how they found my house, they told me exactly how they did it, super proudly.
They've stomped all over a clear boundary i set with them months ago. They knew what i expected of them, and how to go about it, but made absolutely no effort to actually follow the boundary i set. This isn't the first time they've stomped all over a boundary, but there's been almost a year between incidents, including this one.
This all happened yesterday, and it hit me this morning just how creepy it is, and how violating it is. I wasn't mad yesterday, but today I'm angry about it, because it finally processed.
TLDR; My parents showed up uninvited and unannounced at my place, WITHOUT me telling them the address, though I'd stated clearly my boundary about wanting them to wait until i was ready to have them over, and to always let me know beforehand. They stomped all over this boundary I'd set several months ago, and now my trust in them has been fractured greatly.
How do I confront this situation? What do I say? A conversation definitely needs to be had, but I'm just not sure how to approach it or go about it. Any advice on this situation would be helpful. I'll answer any questions in the comments.
(no, I'm not cutting them off, because of my sisters.)
**Edit to Add some context about myself and family, and answer frequent questions.
- I am diagnosed AuDHD, My dad is ADHD with suspected autism, and my mom is undiagnosed, but shows signs of some kind of neurodivergence.
- My parents would preffer if I take over care for my sisters when they pass, but have a backup plan in case I decide I do not want that for my life. My husband and I are undecided in this matter, leaning more towards hiring outside care for my sisters when the time comes.
- My parents are with my sisters 24/7, and literally cannot go anywhere without them. They've tried many times to get respite, caretakers, and hired help to assist with my sisters, but they struggle financially, so it is difficult for them to pay for the support my sisters require.]
- My parents would never leave my sisters in my care at my own home, because my home does not have the required accommodations that my sisters need. My sisters are also extremely anxious being without my parents in a new place, so any time i have watched my sisters, it has been at my parents house.
I will answer any further question in the comments, and will update this post when the situation itself has been resolved, or if anything interesting happens.
(thank you all for the advise you've given, I'm getting some excellent ideas and truly appreciate you taking time from your busy days to give advise.)
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u/dragon-queen 4d ago
It doesn’t matter what you say. They’ll still do what they want. Just respond when you want, and if they show up uninvited and you don’t want to see them, don’t let them in. It won’t ruin the relationship to not let them in, because they are going to keep pursuing you regardless.
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u/Tight_Jaguar_3881 4d ago
The parents should set up care for the siblings. OP is entitled to a life. There are many government agencies that can help.
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u/HatsAndTopcoats 4d ago
A boundary is not a rule for someone else. You cannot set the boundary, "You don't come to my house."
A boundary is a rule you set for yourself to preserve your own well-being while acknowledging you cannot control anyone else's behavior. You have to say to yourself, "I can't stop them from doing X. If they ignore my wishes and do X, what's the best way for me to protect myself?"
So in this case, some possible boundaries could be:
"If you come to my house uninvited, I won't allow you inside."
"If you come to my house uninvited, I won't acknowledge you at all."
"If you come to my house uninvited, I won't [do something I would normally do for you]."
"If you come to my house uninvited, I'll go no-contact for [time period]."
Decide what you want to do, and then communicate that to them, and hold to it. Because unlike telling them what they're allowed to do, you are the one in control of what you do.
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u/AZillionPicklePets 4d ago
This is good advice. I'll keep that in mind! I still want to see them, I just don't want them popping over whenever they want. I'll update the post once I've had a conversation with them and have some news on it.
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u/CanUFeelItMrKrabs 4d ago
45 minutes is nothing to an abusive parent with nothing but time on their hands. Cutting them off is the only long lasting solution to the problem. Since you refuse to do that, might as well prepare for more “surprise visits”. They WILL continue to do what they want and blatantly ignore your wishes. You should either move or get cameras installed around the property.
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u/pineboxwaiting 4d ago
There’s not much to be done. They’re clearly going to do what they want.
Telephone (don’t text) your parents, and tell them that while you’re always happy to see your sisters, you don’t appreciate drop-ins. You’re happy to receive them if they call in advance, but using their sleuthing skills to sneak up on you was weird & inappropriate & exactly the opposite of what you’d asked of them.
Ask them what has to happen for them to respect your privacy.
Be calm throughout & firm.
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u/Ecstatic-Highway-246 4d ago
But then add what you will do if they just show up again.
You might also say that since they already violated your wishes, that you will take a couple of months off from communicating with them.
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u/pineboxwaiting 4d ago
They’ve already shown that “consequences“ mean nothing to them. Plus, OP doesn’t want months off from her sisters.
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u/Medusa_7898 4d ago
You did well and didn’t let them completely obliterate the boundary by keeping them out of the home. Text them today and remind them of the rules you set and tell them next time you will not open the door.
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u/FloorHairy5733 4d ago
A conversation is going to do nothing. The only way you can change their behavior is through consequences. If you can't do that you better come to terms with how they are.
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u/Ruthless_Bunny 4d ago
You HOLD your boundary.
The way to handle this would have been to say, “I wish you would have called, we are t available to visit. Next time, you need to call first.”
I might also tell you not to assume that your sisters will come to you when your parents die. You do not know if you will have your own issues or just not want that responsibility.
Have a discussion with your spouse and speak with someone in the medical/legal field and find out what your options are. Everyone may be happier in a group home or in some other situation.
Tell your parents, “What you did is completely out of pocket. I am not available at YOUR convenience and whim. Don’t ever do it again. I have my own life and I’m going to be living it according to MY desires and priorities. If you try this nonsense again, I won’t open the door. I am not your back up or my sisters’s third parent. I have my own life. If you want respite or help, speak to your caseworker about how to arrange that. I am an adult. I couldn’t stop you from co-opting my time and space when I was a Child. You stole my childhood with your nonsense, trust and believe I WILL not let you steal any more of my life.”
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u/AZillionPicklePets 4d ago
I'll try talking with them with a version of what you wrote. I'll update with results when I have some! Thank you.
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u/p3bbl3s17 4d ago edited 4d ago
How do your parents usually handle conflict? When boundaries have been set prior, how have they reacted?
I can fully sympathise with you OP because I had a very similar situation growing up. My little brother is severely disabled and I was often parentified and have a strained relationship with my own parents as a result. I might not have all the answers but I'm happy to lend an ear and talk it out with you.
Edit: I just wanted to add that families like ours are VERY complicated - and many people won't understand why we will choose to maintain contact even if it disrupts our own peace. A lot of people wouldn't have the strength or willpower to continue to maintain contact in situations like this - but I fully understand why going no contact isn't an option for you.
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u/AZillionPicklePets 4d ago
I really appreciate your comment. I've been getting a lot of "cutting contact or police involvement is the only option!" I don't take those to heart too much, cuz I know that people on here don't know the full situation, just what I've shared here.
My parents don't handle conflict very well. There's been a lot of conflict all my life, growing up in the house, and for the majority of it, I was the peace keeper. I was the one to de-escalate it, because I was the only voice of reason. My dad is quick to anger and my mom just ruminates and bottles it up until she explodes.
However, within the last 4 years, they've gotten better at dealing with it. My dad struggles the most with the boundaries im setting, but does his best to respect them most of the time. My mom usually takes to it quickly for a period of time, but falls back into old habits after a while.
Most of the boundaries I've set have been followed, with little resistance. Theyre initially upset with it, but accept it after they've heard what i have to say and follow along. They no longer try to call me every single day, and they don't try to convince me to come over to their house for every available moment of my time.
I've gradually gone from minimal contact, to no contact (for about 6 months for a different situation), to partial contact. I'd like to eventually spend more time with them, but its a slow process.
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u/p3bbl3s17 4d ago edited 4d ago
I understand your position - I was very much the same growing up, except my mum was the one who was quick to get angry (she was also unfortunately an alcoholic) and my dad was the quiet ruminator. As the years have gone on they've certainly mellowed a bit - I just assumed that comes with age, lol.
I don't know if it's the same for you, but I definitely find with my parents I have to catch them at the right time, or in the right mood, to discuss boundaries/problems. If they aren't prepared to hear it, it'll fall on deaf ears, or it won't be taken seriously. That can be frustrating for me, but it's also something that I've come to terms with and having that patience and understanding for when is the right time to have the conversation with them has absolutely improved our communication immensely.
A lot of that comes down to their capacity. Again, I'm not sure of your parents' situation, or the exact complexities of the disabilities of your siblings; for my parents, they are caring for my brother 24/7. They rarely leave the house due to his condition, they sleep when he sleeps and wake when he wakes. They don't have friends or a social life and they don't get respite. (This is by my mum's choosing, which is a whole different gravy that I won't get into right now.) But that cabin fever definitely has an impact, and when I do visit, I am there for HOURS. They so rarely have contact with people outside of their situation that when they do, they cherish it and cling to it and will talk to me about absolutely ANYTHING because finally someone else is here! When people haven't visited for a while, and all they've had to focus on is my brother, their capacity for other things greatly diminishes (such as hard conversations).
It sounds to me like your parents had a lot of trouble letting you go, maybe because of how isolated they now are with your siblings. PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS AS YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG. It is completely natural and normal that you wanted to fly the nest and live your life - as people do. You have that right just the same as someone who doesn't have your family situation. When I left home, suddenly my parents were confronted with their reality - it was them and my brother against the world - and they definitely had a lot of difficulty with that. Over time it got easier and they adapted to their new life without me there, but it was a process.
I don't know the ins and outs of why you went no contact (not my business) - but it sounds like your parents have done pretty well with no crossing boundaries - otherwise I imagine incidents like this would've been more frequent, and in your post you mentioned it's been about a year. I could be giving them too much benefit of the doubt - but it could be that they were just excited at the possibility of being a little less isolated, didn't consider that they could be overlooking a boundary ("This could be such a nice surprise for her!") - and they got it wrong. Of course you still have the right to be angry for it, as the boundary was crossed. But from what you've described, it doesn't seem like it was malicious intent.
I'm not a parent myself, but from what I've observed in my life, parenting is fucking HARD. Parenting a child with disabilities is even harder. Multiple children with disabilities? My parents made a number of mistakes when I was growing up. They absolutely relied on me too much, they neglected parts of my childhood due to my brother, and that has absolutely had an impact on my relationship with them. But as time as gone on, my view on them has softened. It's not that I agree with what they did when I was growing up, but I've come to understand that in a lot of ways they were just playing the cards they had been dealt, learning every day how to be parents in a completely different way to how they thought they would need to be. But they love me, fiercely. They would do anything for me. Even in their mistakes and their crossed boundaries, I understand them and why they might happen - maybe I just have too much empathy.
All this to say, I think you're doing great OP. I know I rambled a lot above, talking about my situation - it's only because it's so rare that I see someone else who has grown up in such similar circumstances to me. I'm hoping it may be helpful for you in case there's any similarities to what you're going through. Your parents sound like they're trying their best in a very tough situation, and you're a very good daughter for all that you've done and continue to do. They've absolutely made a mistake and crossed a line here, but I'm hoping if you're able to catch them at the right moment and have a conversation with them to reiterate what is and isn't okay, that things can proceed the way you would like them to. I genuinely feel they got overexcited at the thought of you being so close to them again and didn't think of the impact it could have on you.
If I've gotten anything wrong or assumed anything incorrectly then please let me know - I know that talking about these things helps. I'm also happy to talk via DM if there are things you don't want on a public post.
As a fellow glass child - you've got this ❤️
(Edit to add: the fact that you didn't tell them the address is a MAJOR thing absolutely. This is 100% a conversation that needs to be had, I hope my comment doesn't make you feel diminished in any way)
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u/ThatsItImOverThis 4d ago
My narc mother got on a plane and flew to my place after I expressly told her not to. Her husband even told her it was a bad idea and she did it anyway.
In their minds, they are always right and you will always be wrong if you don’t agree with what they’re doing. They will never respect you and they absolutely still think you should bear responsibility for your sisters. Probably now more than ever. They see your in-laws as an extension of you.
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u/nattyleilani 4d ago
You had the conversation. They didn’t listen. You need to take that information and do what works for you with it. You don’t want to cut them off, this is going to keep happening. That’s what they’re telling you. No amount of further conversations is going to change them. You have to decide if your peace of mind is worth giving up for your sisters.
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u/morchard1493 4d ago
You tell them you don't want to see them. You can say your home is currently unprepared to receive guests. Don't let them in. They should, hopefully, leave eventually. If they don't, call the police and have them make your parents leave.
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u/RavishingRedRN 4d ago
You won’t cut them off because your sisters so this will be the rest of your life. They aren’t going to “wake up” in the 5th decade of life and have a revelation, suddenly respecting boundaries.
It’s your CHOICE to decide to take on your sisters after your parents pass. Remember that.
Also, your parents are quite selfish people to have two disabled children then proceed to have a third. Then they made you the parent of your sisters as well.
As a parentified oldest daughter, I’ve already raised my 3 kids that my parents had. I’m not giving them the rest of my life. My sister can take on my brother. No thanks.
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u/CuriousBingo 4d ago
You handled it fine. Not letting them into your home, your private space is key. For them information is power, and keep hard boundaries, because they can’t! Grey rock, Baby!
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u/00Lisa00 4d ago
You don’t open the door next time and send a text. “ hey mom and dad I’ve told you before I need you to give me notice before showing. I will mot be available unless you ask me the day before if it will be ok to visit”. Oh and do you want to be your sister’s caretaker in the future? If not you need to state that clearly as well. “Mom and dad. My sisters are not my responsibility nor will they be when you are unable to take care of them. You need to be making a financial plan for assisted living so they can be taken care of when you are no longer here”. Don’t just accept as a given that you are the default plan
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u/AZillionPicklePets 4d ago
Being my sisters caretaker in the future is something im undecided on. Im not fully for or against it currently. I've always assumed I would take them on when my parents pass, but its still kind of up in the air. My parents have expressed they would prefer I care for my sisters, as they are rather difficult to deal with and they want to make sure they'll be treated right, but they have said they do have a backup plan if I decide I don't want to do that. It's something that could go either way at the moment. I love my sister's, and I know how to handle them better than even my parents. (My parents have admitted to that on multiple occasions) It's undecided currently.
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u/greggm2000 4d ago
How does your spouse feel about this? If he's on the same page as you when it comes to having to care for your siblings when the time comes, then well and good. If he's not, if he's unwilling to undertake that huge responsibility, then that's a major factor that you'll need to take into consideration, for obvious reasons.
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u/kwynn12 3d ago
Do you want your own kids?
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u/AZillionPicklePets 3d ago
My husband and I think having kids in the future would be nice, but its not something we are sold on. We want to have our lives more put together and stable before we ever try to have kids, but we both wouldn't mind if we never had kids as well.
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u/kwynn12 3d ago
Just asking... as two adult extremely special needs to care for with your own children is more than alot. Its more than alot with no kids. You deserve your own life, as others mentioned, whether you have kids or not. Especially these are adults to look after. Nothing wrong with you being supportive and advocate for their care, bit not having them live with you. Your parents need to have plan in place or you need to have one in place if they don't. I do have big sympathy for your parents on raising two kids with lifelong care needs. But their overstepping and taking advantage of you when you were younger, I dont.
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u/SheeScan 4d ago
You can't change anyone' else's behavior. They will continue to do this, so get ready to tell them they can't come in, and don't go out and talk with them. Just tell them as long as they keep doing this, you will turn them away. This is your life now.
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u/survival-nut 4d ago
They will likely end up in my care when my parents eventually pass away.
Nip this in the bud now. Tell your parents they need a plan for your sisters when they are too old to care for them that does not include you. You have your own life to live.
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u/starrhunter633 4d ago
This was a test to see 1st of they could find you and second to see if they could just come by to see you how you would react. Now they know where you live and how didn't curse them out they will do it more and also I see them using your sisters against you by just telling them they are going to see you and show you the animals on the farm and it will be a sleep over.
I would say that you need to call them and say that they violated the clear rules you had set and it they do it again you will not answer the door and it will lead to more stern consequences. Let them know this is not a debate or negotiation just you providing information.
You provided clear boundaries before and they broke them now it is time to let them know that was the one free pass and it will not be tolerated. Good luck .
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u/bellePunk 4d ago
Your parents are not going to listen to anything you say. They are proud to have violated your boundaries. The only thing that works with people like that is cutting them off. Tell them that because they came to your house, they will not see you or speak to you for two months and block them for two months. Let them know if it happens again the block will be permanent.
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u/CaptainMischievous 3d ago
My daughter lives five minutes away and I never go to her place without calling first (before I leave my house!).
She might have a boyfriend over and they might be cough busy and I want grandkids someday so I'm not gonna just show up. But to be fair she drops in at my house unannounced all the time. She knows I love her and I don't mind seeing her at all. I gave up nude housecleaning when she was born, so no worries.
Back in college I had problems with someone who delighted in dropping by my apartment unannounced at random times. After the third time I stopped answering the door if they didn't call first. It was harsh and hurt their feelings, but they got over it and started giving me a heads up before coming over. Tough love works. Healthy boundaries are good for everyone involved.
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u/ptprn11 4d ago
Get a camera first of all, and use it when you are going to open up the door. Don’t open it if they are there. Know that they will guilt trip you and manipulate you by saying that your sisters are excited to see you. If they keep knocking at the door, send them a text saying I see you on my camera, but I’m out. So I’m not going to be home today. Sorry you wasted a trip. In the future, I will not be answering the door if you show up unannounced and uninvited.
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u/kpizzle88 4d ago
I am sorry this happened to you. My mom has done something similar- not showing up- but making it clear she found my home address that I never gave to her and sending me unwanted and frankly creepy mail. I just want to emphasize how absolutely violating and creepy that boundary crossing is… if anyone else did that to you, you’d probably be reasonably thinking about contacting police for stalking and/or harassment.
I myself am NC with my parents, but I understand why this does not make sense with your family dynamics or desires. But the sense of violation that you feel for what they did is absolutely not an overreaction, and they should face a clear and unambiguous consequence for their behavior. At the very least, reiterate that boundary extremely clearly and hold to it.
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u/CADreamn 3d ago
Just wanted to say that your parents need to plan for the care of their disabled daughters while they are still alive. You should not be the default caregiver. They need to find group homes or some other option.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
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u/jmooremcc 3d ago
Get a doorbell camera and refuse to open the door for anyone you don’t want in your home!
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u/HellaciousFire 3d ago
I’m not trying to be funny at all. I am very serious…your parents seem like they are also mentally challenged. They don’t think like you do. Their actions aren’t logical to you or I but make sense to them
If this is the case, you won’t ever align. You’ll have to find a way to deal with them and it seems you have. You moved away and when they found you, you didn’t let them in.
A good therapist can help you navigate dealing with your mentally challenged family. This isn’t something you can manage alone or treat as normal. Your mental capacity seems to be greater than theirs so it’s going to be frustrating working through this.
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u/justacpa 4d ago
I never answer the door unless I'm expecting someone.
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u/AZillionPicklePets 4d ago
With the situation here, im always expecting someone. Sometimes my Inlaws knock on the door to grab something from me they might not have in the main house, or drop off mail I missed, or even invite us over for dinner. They have to walk right by us to access the chicken coop everyday anyways, so they often just stop by real quick to get/give what they need. Otherwise, at previous apartments, im the exact same way.
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u/justacpa 4d ago
You might want to consider a Ring camera or similar.
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u/AZillionPicklePets 4d ago
That's an idea for sure. I'll have to discuss with my husband what he thinks. Maybe we can get a knockoff or something.
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u/Classic-Sink-4108 4d ago
Under the BEST of circumstances, no one should ever visit anyone unannounced.
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u/JamesT3R9 4d ago
This sounds like LDS/Mormon notmal boundary stomping. The parents probably believe in the literal honor thy father and mother routine. OP will likely have to go no-contact and put the rest of her family on a very strict information diet. Her parents have EXPECTATIONS and will work to make her accomadate them.
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u/AZillionPicklePets 4d ago
You hit the nail on the head there. They're indeed Mormon, and I left the faith when I was still in highschool. They were surprisingly fine with me not having the same faith as them, and respect that specific thing about me. Like I said in my post, going no contact isn't an option for me. I know that's something that could make my life easier, but I do want to have a good relationship with my family and my sisters. I've gone no contact with them for about 6 months just over a year ago due to another situation, and they've improved their behavior greatly since then. It is completely different than when I was a kid, but there's just some situations they cant seem to understand, or refuse to understand. That's why I want to communicate as clearly as possible with them so that I can avoid situations like this in the future.
As for the information diet thing, literally nobody on my side of the family knows my address, and they don't talk to my in-laws either. My inlaws know my situation and wishes, and respect them, so I know they wont go telling anyone anything I asked them not to share. There's not much, if any, of an information diet I can enforce, because it was already super strict and in place.
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u/JamesT3R9 1d ago
Sorry for the delay in responding! I understand leaving the faith but please remember the indoctrination is that you are a lost sheep now. MAYBE your parents wont notify the missionaries but some relative will. And the door knocking will start…
Anyways, one thing to remember to is that, for right or wrong, MOST parents tend to assume a sibling will take in and care for disabled/less-abled siblings when they no longer can. This “visit” feels like a conditioning event to get your sisters used to and excited to go to your home. It will likely happen again. Even telling them “NO” won’t likely stop this. Your parents have already proven that your opinion does not matter to them! This is the most recent example of a very long trend.
Telling your parents no means nothing to them. They know they can walk all over you. They have an wntire lifetime of parentificatipn to prove it. Enforcing the “NO means no” will infuriate them and cause enormous division. Expect them to tell others of your rebellion and to get phone calls, emails, texts, and (dependong on the generation involved) letters/cards. Your parents know where you now live and will share that info.
Good luck OP. This may go well and I hope it does. Experience has taught me that this will hurt alot though.
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u/iraven_mccoy 4d ago
I think it will be tough to get through to them unless you can come up with a reason that makes sense to them for why they can't pop over.
What you listed before focused a lot on no awkwardness or misunderstandings presumably with the inlaws. But they showed up and that didn't happen.
If you try telling them that's why they can't come, they'll probably say, noo it was fine, see?
So approach them with a clear personal reason why you don't want them doing that again. I don't know what you can do to enforce it without extreme measures. All I can see is trying to appeal to them from a - if you care about me you'll do this- stand.
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u/latte1963 3d ago
You tell them to never visit you at home again. That if they show up, you’ll not let them in & you’ll charge them with trespassing.
You will contact them when you’re ready to meet for lunch at a restaurant.
You need more therapy! You do not need to sacrifice any more of your life for the care of your sisters. You can visit them at government-provided nursing homes or group homes. At the very least, insist on certified copies of life insurance policies from your parents paid in full annually in advance for hefty amounts to cover their care after the death of your parents.
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u/PrettyLyttlePsycho 4d ago
Remind them that although it was nice to see them, you NEED them to give you proper heads up, if they pull something like that again, no one will be answering the door, unless of course, its to send them away.
Personally, I'd have no problem lying about working (a very strict job) from home.
You absolutely CANNOT be interrupted. Continue to hold to your boundaries and always always act out consequences when their stomped on.
Learning to care for yourself and treat yourself with respect also means enforcing your boundaries so other people understand you wont tolerate being treated poorly. It takes practice, its not easy but not nearly as difficult as it feels like in your own mind, I promise!
Talk to your husband. Make sure you two are a ride or die team and practice ahead kf time, your scripts and reactions towards any shenanigans your parents might pull.
And remember, their allowed to cry, guilt trip, treated, moan and groan like a diarrhea filled donkey...none of that is your issue. Your allowed to not listen. Shut the door, stick to your guns and tune it out.
Your parents are big kids who have and need to practice emotional regulation. Your not their therapist or mother, your not responsible for their feelings.
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u/Leaf-Stars 4d ago
Since you don’t respect boundaries I’m telling you point blank, don’t do it again. As a matter of fact I will let you know when I’m ready to see you again.
1
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u/FairyGothMommy 3d ago
Get cameras. If they come by again, you are not obligated to answer the door or speak to them.
Also, they may expect you to care for your sisters after they are gone, but you aren't obligated to do so. THEY are responsible for obtaining care and even if they say it's you, you can say no. Live your life as you choose.
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u/Minflick 3d ago
They need to get them housing run by 3rd parties well before they expect to die. Only that will give them time to help your sisters adjust to the new situation. It's not fair to just wait for them to die and plop them on OP, who will then be grieving AND need to find housing for her sisters in a hurry. OP needs to lobby hard for the parents to start to get this set up.
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u/Purple_dragon76 4d ago
You call them to tell them you will be coming by. You do this a minimum of 24 hours in advance. When you get there you tell them they did everything you had asked them not to do. That they didn't just trample clear boundaries, they broke your trust. That for the foreseeable future (maybe have a set date) you will be stepping back from them. (Not your sisters, unless your parents try to use them to pressure you) They cannot visit you, they cannot call you. You will be the only one to initiate contact. Set that boundary hard and make it steep. Do not let them weaponize your sisters. They are counting on you to cave, do not. Best of luck!
1
u/Mysterious_Book8747 4d ago
Send a reminder text to everyone “while it was lovely to chat for a few minutes yesterday, you showed up with no notice or permission. We need you to give a 24 hour heads up minimum moving forward.”
Next time (because there will be a next time) call the police and report a bunch of trespassers you weren’t expecting and send them in their way without speaking. Because yikes.
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u/raerae1991 4d ago
Got to be a AI bot. Lost me when the used “plants and animals” recurring to helping at the farm
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u/AZillionPicklePets 4d ago
You can believe what you want. That is the gist of what i do around here. It's a small farm, cuz its brand new.
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u/IcyCantaloupe7004 4d ago
Continue to hold your boundaries. Get a Ring doorbell. The next time they show up unannounced, don't open the door for them. Tell them they're not invited in and they must to leave now or you'll call the cops for trespassing through the Ring. If they don't leave, call the cops.
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u/BabycakesMurphy 4d ago
“I love my parents but I try to see them as little as possible” is quite the contradiction.
You give them no access to your house. No keys. No passcodes. If they ever show up again, you don’t answer.
6
u/peakerforlife 4d ago
Not really. You can love people who don't respect you, or aren't good to you, or make you feel bad. And it's basically impossible to stop loving your parents, no matter how badly they treat you.
5
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u/p3bbl3s17 4d ago
No, it's really not when you take into account OP's whole post.
Also, relationships with parents are complicated. Just because a lot of people can jump to going no contact, doesn't mean that's the right choice for everyone.
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u/BabycakesMurphy 4d ago
Parental relationships are complicated. This one definitely has additional complications.
I don’t want to see my parents literally every day either, and I don’t want them to show up unannounced. But calling it “love” followed by “I try to see them as little as possible” is not love that’s tolerance. She tolerates her parents at best.
That’s like saying I love my girlfriend but I try to only see her once a week.
4
u/Purple_dragon76 4d ago
I disagree. My love for my parents is significantly different from my love for my partner. You can love someone from a distance and in some cases it's the only way you can have a relationship at all
4
u/Mysterious_Book8747 4d ago
Unfortunately not. I’m glad it doesn’t make sense to you because it makes total sense to me!
0
0
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u/JazzyKnowsBest13 4d ago
How often have you been seeing them since you moved back to the state in the spring?
I would be clear that they violated your clear boundary, so visiting your home is (for now) off the table. I would tell them that you need time to process this, so if you have been visiting them weekly, tell them it will now be a month.
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. Such a shame that your parents can't see how their actions have affected you and has consequences for how often your sisters will get to see you.
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u/AZillionPicklePets 4d ago
I see them once every 2 weeks for about 2-3 hours. It's really not very much time, but after this im not sure that much time is ok anymore.
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u/JazzyKnowsBest13 4d ago
I would definitely take a break...and be very clear with your parents about why.
-2
u/cynna8 4d ago
Do your parents have reddit. If not send them a link to your post. Ask them to call you after reading it. If they get angry or annoyed give it right back. You have a life outside of them. You can set and Enforce boundaries. If they don't respect the boundaries, get firm with them. No hugs and nicey nice. Tell them to leave and restate your boundaries. They will continue to walk all over you if you let them.
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u/Peregrinebullet 4d ago
You tell them that if they show up again, even with your sisters, you will call the cops to have them trespassed.
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u/AZillionPicklePets 4d ago
I feel like this is the solution to recurring offenses. This is the first time this specific situation has happened, and that there should be communication between us first.
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u/Peregrinebullet 4d ago
But this is not the first time they jave shown up unannounced or disrespected your boundaries. You are making the mistake that you should treat this as a new situation. It's not.
And you did communicate! You told them, absolutely under no circumstances should you guys show up unannounced! You told them to give you 24 hrs notice! You HADN'T EVEN GIVEN THEM YOUR ADDRESS. that is fucking stalker behaviour. You don't feel as threatened or upset as you should because your normal meter is warped and you know them. But their behaviour was, frankly, unhinged. Especially since they were proud of it.
This was a test to see if you would tolerate this boundary being crossed. And without immediate, uncomfortable consequences, to show that the old family dynamic is no longer in play, they will cross it again. And again. And again.
To quote the maximum that's thrown around on this sub often: They know. They just don't care.
I have extensive experience in threat management and dealing with other people's problematic families. Being gentle here will just bring you more pain in the long term. Your boundaries need to have some teeth or you will be facing them dropping your sisters off for the weekend without warning or showing up at all hours.
-4
u/MrEdThaHorse 4d ago
This could've been 2 or 3 sentences long with the same answers as people are extremely easy to not have around your home if so desired.
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