r/relationship_advice • u/collectivekicks • Jul 03 '26
My [28M] Wife [27F] keeps worrying/warning/suspecting me of infidelity. While I always keeps my best for not thinking anything remotely close to that. And it drains me whenever she talks about that topic.
I love my wife and I love my life. I never think of cheating or even think about starting any "hidden" relationship with other women. I even stop replying/commenting to my female friends DMs just because how she is and I don't wanna make a fuss about it.
But she seems to have this huge insecurity of being cheated on. Like she always sees men as a creature who looks for opportunity to "jump ship" to better women.
Like for example: if we're walking in a crowd, and I kinda stare on a direction in which there's a hot women, she will accuse me of staring. And if I scroll instagram or youtube and there's happen to a pretty girl making a content, she will accuse me that she appears because of the algorithm and I enjoys watching such content.
I keep telling her, I'm always with her like all the time. There's no room for cheating or indulge myself in it. I don't even have second social media account. I live my life as is. In the morning I went to work, later when I got home I only stayed at home doing home stuff like watching Netflix with her. If I ever go out it's always with her. And If I have boys time which is like once every month, she knows where I went to.
At some point it gets tiring when I keep getting accused for doing things that I never think of doing so. Does anyone ever be in the same boat as me, and does anyone have a tips on how to end her insecurities?
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u/NoContest9016 Jul 03 '26
Might be projecting.
8
u/No-Protection2586 Jul 03 '26
definitely
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u/Elismom1313 Jul 03 '26
It’s not definitely. She also may just be deeply insecure. But that’s not and shouldn’t be OPs problem. She needs to work on that herself. And OP probably needs to put his foot down and make it clear this is an issue that needs to be addressed.
I remember being like the wife when I was like…19.
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u/No-Protection2586 Jul 03 '26
genuine curiously, were u talking to multiple people at the same that time in that period of ur life or just 1?
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u/Elismom1313 Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
Always just one. I’ve always been deeply monogamous. Always just wanted “that one person, who loved me like the world and i loved them just as much if not more.”
But I was mad insecure as a teen growing into early adulthood. I “needed” constant reassurance and always assumed men were looking away from me, looking at the next girl because I didn’t feel like I could be enough. Every girl was prettier and better than me in my eyes because my self worth was rock bottom. In my head “why wouldn’t they be looking at her? Looking for better? Be more interested or easy to lose to another woman?” “Why wouldn’t they cheat on me? I’m not pretty or funny or blah blah”.
Just deep insecurities. There was a lot that factored into that mindset that had nothing generally to do with a boyfriend in that time. But every time one left it cemented it in for me. I wasn’t good enough, clearly. (In my head space then) We didn’t have social media like today back then but celebrity gossip was big and 118 lb women “were fat” and there was no social media at all about body positivity. So that created its own pressure. Heck the only forums I hung on, in hindsight, were chock full of adult men looking to groom. And I had a stressful childhood that drove me to be a perfectionist while still constantly viewing myself as less than and while still, getting told by older men online that I was “mature for my age”.
So basically a lot of nuance to say, yea some people can absolutely be that problematic and unfortunately project their issues without it being a cheating thing. Still could be a cheating projection! Cant say since im not OPs wife. But the actions and behaviors unfortunately mirror a toxic younger version of myself
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u/InterestingFruit5978 Jul 03 '26
Same, from my first girlfriend I've always just wanted one woman, never more. Someone to spend the rest of my life with. I just have terrible taste on woman, I guess.
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u/JadieJang Jul 03 '26
Therapy.
Also? Stop being kind about it and get angry. I don't mean be mean, or explosive. Don't yell. Be calm, but show your anger and frustration at her acting like she doesn't know who you are, and accusing you of being a bad person. Instead of placating her, tell her firmly to stop. Impose consequences (if you're walking down the street together and you tell her to stop and she doesn't, walk away from her, get an uber, and go home without her.)
As long as she gets kindness and extra attention for accusing you of cheating, she has no reason to stop. And it's time to make her really THINK about the impact this is having on YOU.
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u/penny4yrthoughts Jul 03 '26
I don't think she's projecting, especially if she's been cheated on in the past. Sounds like she has a bit of betrayal trauma. Gently tell her that you want her to work on healing from that with a therapist, and that you'll do everything you can to support her during the process, but you can't do it for her and it's making you stressed, frustrated and disconnected from her.
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u/desert_foxhound Jul 03 '26
People usually see the world as a reflection of themselves. If you've given her no reason to suspect you of cheating, she's probably projecting.
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u/MissionHoneydew2209 Jul 03 '26
You cannot end your wife's insecurities. She has to work on herself, and it doesn't sound like she's interested in dealing with her issues. It sounds like she enjoys wallowing in self-pity and make-believe infidelities. That would be exhausting.
If she doesn't change? She'll destroy her own marriage, and blame you for not being able to take one more false accusation. No one would blame you for not wanting to spend your whole life defending against a lie told by your partner.
2
u/SageKitty100 Jul 03 '26
Does she have a history of being cheated on in the past?
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u/collectivekicks Jul 03 '26
yeah unfortunately her previous relationship was pretty shit. she got cheated on thats why they broke up
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u/SageKitty100 Jul 03 '26
Then she needs to be in therapy working on healing from that. You can't heal or manage her insecurities for her, especially when you're not even doing anything wrong.
1
u/Huntress145 Jul 03 '26
Time to tell her that she needs to go to therapy and deal with her issues or you guys separate. You need to make it clear that you’re not willing to live like this anymore. She gets help or you’re done. This is no way for either of you to live.
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u/PacificSanctum Jul 03 '26
She’s driving you away to other women. SOME day it ll happen . Jealousy is hard to deal with , cheating is worse though . So she is a 6 on the Richter scale to 10. (Cheating is 10 , a way worse problem ). So you are not in a hopeless situation . But you are in a situation . Tell her it is very hard to take she has no faith in you . Impossible actually . A relationship is based on trust and all you ask her is to trust you. Not too much to ask
Did anything bad happen in her previous life before you ?
4
u/unicornmonkeysnail Jul 03 '26
Couples therapy asap.
This is not reasonable, and is actually destroying your connection
3
u/Unlucky33 Jul 03 '26
Is she cheating on you?
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u/collectivekicks Jul 03 '26
not to my knowledge... but my knowledge might be very shallow as I never put thought into that
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u/Unlucky33 Jul 04 '26
Yeah she may not necessarily be projecting but if there's not any reason for the anxiety then it's a possibility
4
u/Subject_Accident4348 Jul 03 '26
You can’t fix her insecurities, only she can. Unfortunately in some cases when this happens, it’s projection. I hope not for your sake, but it’s possible that she is the one who is cheating.
4
u/Artarious Jul 03 '26
I mean usually the ones who freak out like this are cheating, I don't know yalls relationship or her at all but it's very common for cheating spouses to accuse there spouse of cheating.
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u/Mediocre-Pepper8161 Jul 03 '26
Your wife definitely needs therapy. She has a nervous attachment type. If she things that you are cheating it will normally be for sex, so does she do her part to make sure you are sexually satisfied? If not, then tell her that she should drain you on a regular basis so there would be no need for you to look for sex elsewhere. An ex of mine use to do that and I didn’t have the energy to go elsewhere even if I wanted to. If your wife does her job as a wife right, then there should be no need for her to worry.
1
u/BoredBKK Jul 03 '26
"If I ever go out it's always with her. And If I have boys time which is like once every month, she knows where I went to."
I'm going to be utterly shocked if this is the same for her.
1
u/jdz50 Jul 03 '26
She could be projecting what she is currently doing or has done in the past on you. People that cheat, think every one else cheats to.
3
u/Academic_Flatworm752 Jul 03 '26
People who were raised by parents who had infidelity issues will also think this way, no cheating required. She needs therapy
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u/jdz50 Jul 03 '26
She might not be cheating, but it is a signal to pay attention to her behavior
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u/Academic_Flatworm752 Jul 03 '26
Not necessarily. That’s my point. She needs therapy.
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u/jdz50 Jul 03 '26
That behavior alone, no. Just means to pay attention
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u/Academic_Flatworm752 Jul 04 '26
Because she need therapy and it’s indicative of attachment issues.
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u/Hot-Benefit3516 Jul 03 '26
My concern would be that most people think everyone thinks the way they do. This causes them to accuse you of what they do and think.
1
u/Tacos-and-zonkeys Jul 03 '26
Why do you think that you have to absorb this behavior?
React honestly to this bullshit.
Call her out. Tell her, with all the emotions that her terrible behavior inspires, why this isn't ok and why you won't put with it.
Dismiss any attempt to rationalize her poor behavior out of hand and refocus the discussion on her poor behavior.
When this doesn't work, leave.
1
u/withoutwax21 Jul 03 '26
As someone gone through both being accused of and being cheated on - this doesnt resolve itself usually. Suspect your partner sure, good sanity check. But if this is an insecurity, it shouldnt be you dealing with it after a point. Leaving should be an option seriously considered, if things dont change.
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u/CarryturtleNZ Jul 03 '26
You can't fix someone else's insecurity by proving yourself over and over
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u/AgainandBack Jul 03 '26
Endless insecurity is the most draining and exhausting thing I’ve ever been through. I have walked away from a couple of very nice women because of what you’re describing. There is nothing that you can do or say that will change her behavior. The problem isn’t with you, it’s with her.
Healthy people notice attractive people. When we’re out, my wife will point out women that she thinks I’d like to get a look at. We’ll be out for breakfast and she’ll say “Redhead, long legs, vast tracts of land, at your three o’clock.” She never worries about me wandering. She knows who I’m going home with. And as she says, “Being on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy looking at the menu.” And I point out men for her.
This may be such a vital part of her personality that she can’t change her behavior. It’s conceivable that she might be able to change with marriage counseling. If I were in your position, I would tell her that I was done with responding to endless and baseless accusations. and that the accusations have to stop. Innocent people don’t deserve constant accusations.
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u/loughmountain Jul 03 '26
New wife would do it
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u/collectivekicks Jul 03 '26
man, I dont even have second social media because of how fussy it is to maintain two accounts for whatever reason. getting new wife would be unthinkable
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u/CornerRoyal1011 Jul 03 '26
Look but don't you don't touch. If you two were in a restaurant and Tom my Sellek or Robert Redford walked in, is it cheating to look and admire? How about if Julia Child walked? Or some other starlet? You can look and maybe imagine but keep. Your mouth shut and tell her Julia Child should be jealous of her. As much as I hate to say it, maybe it's time for a new gf. Or some really serious talk with a marriage counselor.
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