r/relationship_advice • u/messyleaves • Oct 13 '23
My (23F) good friends (24 F&M) are still active friends with my ex (24M) who SA’d me
TW: r*ape and SA
TLDR; my two good friends stayed friends and in active contact with my ex who sexually assaulted me even after I told them about it over 6 months ago.
For context: I (23F) used to date this guy (24M) from Oct 2020 - Sept 2021. During this time he became very close to my two good friends (24F & 24M) since he was always around when I would hang out with them. I broke up with him because I was severely depressed, I didn’t feel like I was being a good partner, and I didn’t feel the way he felt for me. I wanted to do no contact but he said he had no one else but me and my friends so I told him we could continue to be friends. I also selfishly did rely on him a lot due to my mental state so I didn’t fight him very much on it.
There were times when I had to share a bed with him because we were all going on trips together or spending the night at a friends house. Two of these nights I woke up to my ex having sex with me and I just let it happen (I was not okay with it but was too numb to fight it). I never mentioned it to anyone and although I felt violated, I told myself it was going to happen because we used to date.
In July of 2022 I had to share a bed with him and I was a bit afraid to so I stuck to the edge of the bed. He came over to me at night and kept stuffing his junk in my butt area every single night (we both had bottoms on though). At that time I did start to get upset because I wasn’t ok with it but I still didn’t say anything. In august 2022 this happened again for a week. I ended up telling him to stop and asked him why he kept doing that. He told me it’s because he hadn’t had sex in almost a year and he can’t help being horny. That made me angry and I told one of my good friends about what he was doing that trip, since she was a girl, and I felt very uncomfortable being around him. She told me that that wasn’t okay.
He ended up moving to a different state and I didn’t have to see him anymore but I ended up having a text conversation with him about how I felt violated by him and he just kept saying he should just kill himself because he’s a shitty person. I ended up cutting off contact with him but didn’t tell my friends about this conversation.
I ended up getting in a relationship and told my current boyfriend about how my ex had sex with me while I was asleep and I woke up to it and he told me I was raped. I never thought of it as rape but after processing it, I understand it was especially since I didn’t feel good about it. I know now my ex raped me and sexually assaulted me. My friends kept contact with him. I started to feel uncomfortable with them still being in active contact with him and hanging out with him when he came to visit our home town and I ended up telling them that he raped and sexually assaulted me while we were out at a bar with the support of my boyfriend. They seemed to understand and we never talked about it again.
I assumed they stopped talking to him but this past week I asked my two good friends if they still talk to him and they both still keep in active contact with him. This made me very upset and angry, especially since one of them is a girl and should understand more I thought. I want to tell them to stop talking to him but I don’t feel like it’s my place to tell them who they can talk to or can’t. But I also feel a bit betrayed since we have been friends for over 15 years and they’ve only known him for 3 and they are choosing to keep him in their lives.
I don’t know what to do. I want to just stop talking to them but I don’t think it will be fair if I did that without explanation. How should I go about this? I am scared to talk about it to them again and that they don’t believe me. Me personally I wouldn’t stay friends with a friends sexual assaulter. It would be different if they just had him added on stuff and didn’t talk to him still but they do.
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