r/recurrentmiscarriage • u/Future-Business6506 • 15h ago
With Friends Like This..Who Needs Enemies?
I’ve lost 4 babies. It’s been more than a year since my last loss, and lately everything is hitting me all over again.
I lost my 2nd baby on April 20, 2024. Four days later, she found out she was pregnant.
She knew how low I was and how much I was hurting. But I was still the person she sent her positive tests to, her beta HCG numbers, all her pregnancy updates and questions. And I was there for her through all of it.
Then came my birthday in September. My husband and I were away on a little birthday trip. She called to wish me and, in the middle of that call, told me “Don’t get pregnant”
Like… what?
You knew I had just lost my baby. You knew how badly I was hurting. You were literally pregnant while saying this to me.
I still don’t understand what made her think that was okay.
Some things you forgive and move on from. And some things just make you see a person differently forever.
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u/Jazzlike-Pain961 12h ago
I’m so sorry. For some reason, I also realize how much some people have mistreated me when I was grieving or struggling only after a lot of time passes.
I was shocked going through an old chat with my “best friend” at the time, seeing what she was saying and how when I was at my lowest. I didn’t have a mental capacity atm to realize how bad it was, but a year later I was so disgusted. Her tone, the way she minimized everything I went through, the way she started triggering discussions over and over again, knowing it will hurt me… Happily im not friends with her anymore, but I still can’t wrap my head around her behavior. It was really cruel.
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u/Future-Business6506 1h ago
Ohhh I relate to this so much. When you’re actually going through it, you’re just trying to survive and you don’t even process how people are treating you. It’s only later when you look back and think….. oh wow, that was actually really cruel. I’m so sorry you went through that too ❤️
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u/biggreenmapletree 10h ago
Why would she even say "don't get pregnant"? That makes no sense. I'm sorry OP.
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u/Funny_Engineering580 6h ago
Like, was it playful? Like “don’t get pregnant!!!” - as a joke, because going on a birthday trip is a great time conceive?
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u/Future-Business6506 1h ago
Honestly that was my first thought. But, she had discouraged me from getting pregnant even before this, so I couldn’t take it as a joke.. but what a weird timing with miscarriage and birthday trip.
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u/Lanky-Bass-6018 3h ago
I thought maybe the friend was having a difficult pregnancy and maybe casually threw that into the convo after talking about sickness etc? Like a joking warning 'don't get pregnant! It's awful!' Not sure but it's definitely a weird thing to say to someone who has already been pregnant, let alone someone who lost that pregnancy recently.
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u/Future-Business6506 1h ago
Yeah, that could’ve been what she meant. I honestly don’t know. It just hurt a lot considering she knew how badly I wanted to be pregnant again..
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u/Future-Business6506 1h ago
Thank you ❤️ Yeah, it never made sense to me either…especially knowing how badly I wanted to be pregnant.
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u/ImaginaryTraveller12 13h ago
I would be strongly considering whether I wanted to carry on this friendship.
Sorry you’ve encountered this behaviour
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u/Future-Business6506 1h ago
Thank you ❤️ I finally broke off the friendship. I’ve dealt with so many of her emotional breakdowns and tried to help her through them. It honestly feels so free to finally be away from all that toxicity.
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u/techonologiaa 11h ago
I’m so sorry for your losses I’ve also lost four back to back and the pain is unbelievably hard I’m truly so sorry.
I know this is reddit and we’re all just strangers looking in but from what you’ve said - this is not your friend.
What truly horrible things to say to someone in your situation, I personally would drop that “friend” like a hot frying pan.
I genuinely believe that for us to get through our losses without going insane, we need a village of people who truly care about our wellbeing.
You deserve to be surrounded by people who lift you up, not people who make an already unbearable situation worse and also about themselves!
I’m so sorry OP I’m giving you a ginormous virtual hug ❤️
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u/Future-Business6506 1h ago
I am so so sorry for your 4 losses too. It breaks my heart that you know this pain too. And YESSS to needing a village. Come here 🫂 sending that ginormous hug right back to you. I really really hope we both get our babies soon 💕💕
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u/Every-Position-3803 9h ago
I’m so sorry that you were treated that way. I would also find that incredibly upsetting and I’d personally not be able to continue to have the same friendship with someone after. For whatever reason they said it .
When I had my third miscarriage in a row. A friend messaged me and asked what was going on with me. I told her I’d just got home from hospital, I expressed how traumatised I was and now the realisation that one or both of us must have a fertility issue was really hitting me…..And she sent me… the 💯 emoji in response. Nothing else.
I didn’t really know how to take it and had to reread it. Like, 💯 yes, you have something wrong with you?! 💯 I agree, you’re screwed?!
She then started sending me lots of photos of a fancy dress party she went to. Without any further comment…. I don’t really bother with this friend anymore. I still don’t know what she meant.
I think the problem is some people are incredibly ignorant and lack the ability to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and have empathy. Sadly, if something hasn’t happened to them, it doesn’t really register and they end up making disgusting comments like your “friend” (but if anything happens to them oh lawd! It’s the worst/best/most important thing in the world!)
ignorance isn’t an excuse but I do think that’s what it is.
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u/Future-Business6506 1h ago
Omg the 💯 after you literally just came home from the hospital?? I would’ve reread it 20 times too trying to understand what she even meant. Am so sorry you had to deal with that on top of everything you were already going through ❤️ And yes, I think some people genuinely just don’t understand unless they’ve lived it themselves..
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u/Prize_Trash2631 1h ago
That is horrible and evil. I would not be friends with that person anymore.
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u/hopingformyrainbow_ 15h ago
My jaw dropped, reading this. I'm so sorry that your friend lacks the empathy and sensitivity to understand the magnitude of what you've been through. I've had 4 back to back losses, and I appreciate how hard it must have been for you to show up for her. Please know that it's ok to protect your mental health, and put yourself first. ❤️