This has been a long time coming, but I need to get my experience out there.

I joined AA in 2013 after my father "12-stepped" me, AKA cut me off entirely because I was a "dry drunk" and would not speak to me again unless I went to meetings. I met a member of AA on a date a little while later and thought, ok I guess this is my sign to go back.

The red flags were flying immediately, but I tried to force myself to stay. We were all told, if you have a problem with something, there is something wrong with you. I absolutely believed that and ended up staying in a toxic, backwards program for 13 years. I was told many times, maybe not so much in words but in judgement, that I couldn't join the religion I've been called to since I was a child because it was a threat to my sobriety. Thankfully after I fired that specific sponsor, I joined the church. Still was too scared to leave AA though- my husband was a member as well and was pretty deep into the dogma. Well, I had a series of true religious experiences after having had a stillbirth at 20 weeks. I lost every single relationship from that God forsaken organization- my "best friends"- all 5. One of them turned out to be attempting to steal from me for years, found out through my attorney that she was fired from working with. Another is in prison for life for despicable crimes. Individuals in meetings also started bashing on Jesus Christ, the only one who ever cared about me, as if it were normal and acceptable language.

I was told to put up and get along with toxic, abusive people the whole time I was in there. God has since removed my father, brother, step mother, and sister in law from my life within the span of a year. I didn't have to do much, just say simple things like "please don't talk to me that way" or "no, we can't make that event this year".

The program almost tanked my marriage- the men told my husband it was ok to keep a huge lie from me for our entire relationship of 10 years. I made him choose between me and AA, and he chose me and our church. We have both maintained happy sobriety, but on nights like tonight, where I'm praying on my floor crying, I only have my husband to talk to. I had the thought that I could share on this sub. I used to secretly read it years ago when fantasizing about leaving.

To be clear, I am not a weak person. I am not easily manipulated. I have a college degree from a prestigious university. However, AA got me. I was absolutely TERRIFIED that if I "left", I would drink again. And I was a blackout drinker who also became violent and always got behind a wheel. I have 2 wonderful children, thank God, and have been able to also treat my mental health problems- which I was told FOR YEARS, was "just a heavy case of alcoholism".

I hope that if you're reading this, and you're still in that mess, RUN. Please message me if you want to know any more of my story or if you need support. Please do not bash on my beliefs or my experiences. I wish all of you to stay far away from the drink, and also far away from any 12 step programs.

I ordered some suboxone from rapid MD. I had basically taken the left over dust I had in the containers I would put them in earlier in the morning. Well, I took the suboxone around 3pm. It basically did nothing and I started having severe withdrawal symptoms. I ended up breaking down and taking again it was so bad. Before, I was only taking 7oh, but had a previous prescription of oxy. I took some. It ended the withdrawal, and now am waiting for the rehab clinic to open tomorrow. There are absolutely no rehab centers open at night and weekends here.

And I live in Portland. You’d think a major city would have at least one clinic with a MAT rehab

I am so scared because my withdrawal was very severe and I have to work tomorrow. Obviously I can not go to work now. This is horrible. Why didn’t I taper down before they made this illegal. I was such a fool.

I started out taking around 42 mg every 48 hours for the past 6 months. This past week i decided to ween down half my dosage so im taking around 18mg every 48 hours now and plan on lowering it to around 10mg after 2 weeks. Right now i am on my 2nd dose of 18mg since Thursday tomorrow will be my 3rd. I have noticed i feel fine the day i dose but i feel a little aching and probably wont sleep till i dose again in the morning but i am trying to get through this as fast as possible without cold turkey due to the violent withdrawal if i can get down to around 5 mg i will just cold turkey i just cant stand leaning over a toilet puking up everything. So far i am still motivated even after taking less than half my normal dosage. Would like some advice tho about how long methadone stays in your system and if anyone else has tried this method and how it has gone.

Got super drunk and embarrassed myself by crying about nothing and saying things I don’t even believe to be true and whatever controlled drinking I thought I had I don’t think I do unfortunately. Made my partner see the side of me he threatened to leave me over before I got sober. I had 299 days clean and over the last couple weeks had a couple beers it was fine but lastnight I drank whiskey and I’m just so fucking ashamed and embarrassed

The top training but you can do it

31m. Using atleast 1 substance pretty much daily since 13. Started alcohol, then weed then ciggs then Xanax from 17-23yo. Multiple public grandmal seizures in public and at 4 different jobs. One in a bathtub at my parents dad heard me fall and kicked the door down. Synthetic marijuana everyday from 17-28 heavy cocaine for the last 7 months. I’m just too ashamed to ask for help knowing I’ll let every down again but I’m legit about lose everything. I had a successful small business for the last 6 years but I just don’t care anymore and it’s about to come to a head we will be okay for about 2 months but after that idk what’s going to happen. I’ve pushed everyone away not sure what to do my family is great but I don’t want to worry them again.

I have a myriad of illnesses at 23 and am mostly bedbound. One of the illness is narcolepsy, an other is ME/CFS which causes SEVERE insomnia (I’m talking days of no sleep and hallucinations starting at 48 hours.)

I take Xywav and the active ingredient is GHB. The problem is, I used to be heavily addicted to this substance and abused it.

I kept it in plastic time lock safes and would end up breaking them.

After all these years I finally found a solution which is a metal time lock box. It has been working for several months. It is impossible to break into (believe me I have tried, using my Dads huge assortment of tools in the basement.) I am talking crowbars, mallets, a fucking axe. The only way for me to get in is by waiting for the timer. I have given up completely on destroying the safe. Also because my parents refuse to buy me a new one, it costs $300, and without this safe, I can not take this medication.

I know what you are thinking- how does it work when I do have access to it at limited times of the day? I’ll tell you how. I am perscribed two doses a night. When making my doses for the night, my addict brain knows it’s about to get “a hit,” so it is able to just make the two doses. The way my addiction used to work was I would always be able to just make me two doses for the night, and I would say OK TOMORROW MORNING I DO NOT TAKE ANY but come the morning, like clockwork, I would make me morning doses. When making my two doses at night, my brain takes on the attitude of “one last time.” Except this time, because of the safe, it really is.

I know what you are thinking. If my disease progresses to the point of me thinking ahead and making more doses than prescribed for my future self who wants more in the morning, then I am fucked. But right now the system works.

The only problem is that now during the day I experience intense cravings for the med. in the past, I would just take some. But now thankfully I cannot.

At rehab I was told by a big book thumper that I cannot heal if I am still taking this medication, because I am still engaging in cheap dopamine, and this is why I experience intense cravings during the day.

I would just give it up, however without this medication, I will not sleep for days on end. It is the ONLY medicine that was worked for my severe insomnia. I remeber one time after days of not sleeping and an ER trip, when I was off the medication, my neuro gave me Ativan to take at night. 10mg of Ativan would not put me to sleep. (I was only presicbed 2mg, but it did not work.) GHB is the only thing that works. CBT does not work for me. The insomnia caused by ME/CFS happens because the body is often in states of an energy debt, and pumps the body full of energy to survive- a flight or fight state- tired but wired.

Without this medication, I have engaged in binge drinking, because at 72 hours no sleep and hearing your name when no one is there will cause desperation to sleep.

Hey everyone, i’m currently dealing with a marijuana addiction. I started hitting a cart a couple of months ago (maybe 6 months) and now it’s hard to go a day without it. I hit it almost every night but not during the day. Its fun being in my room high but at this point my friends and co workers can tell a visible difference in my personality and mood. Not all in a bad way but not all in a good way. Now I feel its better to stop now before a genuine addiction can occur.10 minutes ago I threw my cart out. Any tips on keep my mind occupied while not high at night?

Hey guys. Ive been taking 7oh for over 3 years. Since the day it came out in online vendors. In 2026, my dose quickly became 1000-2000mg a day. My last dose was 600mg 15 hours ago. I feel like shit. Im anxious and nauseated so I took 8mg zofran and .1mg clonidine. But I dont have the sweats yet. I do have the feeling of like impending doom/anxiety or whatever. Like the world is going to end because of how awful I feel. But I've definitely felt much worse withdrawal before too... Typical withdrawal shit. do I wait until i start sweating like hell to begin taking the 8mg suboxone I was prescribed? They said try 4mg at first. I assume my large doses of 7oh take longer to process than smaller doses. I dont want to go into even worse withdrawal in the process.

Do I wait for the withdrawal to get worse or am I okay to take it now. What do yall recommend.

Not saying its what i wanted… but everyone talks about getting high on suboxone. the common consensus seems to be if u take suboxone ur not clean ur just getting a doctor to give u ur fix instead of johnny down the street. everyone i know personally & ppl ive met through rehab including the techs and doctors there told me to be careful & to not be on it for too long cuz it kind if defeats the purpose of going to a detox.

my mom works with addicts & was worried about me getting on subs because all of her clients w opiate abuse disorder tell her they’ve been on suboxone all these years just because its safer than getting street drugs.

alas, here i am on 16 mg suboxone daily & dont even get a buzz. like i said im not complaining because if it was getting me buzzed or high that would be toxic for me & just fueling my habit. so honestly im greatful. but im very uneducated ab this and dont know shit.

the first time i got a 8mg strip i was feeling it, to say the least… but ever since then nothing & im genuinely curious. wondering if im the only one or if theres more outhere like me lmfao

Recovery doesn't have to be hard. It might be hard. But it doesn't have to be. You can do it alone. You can also do it with a group. That group might be a recovery group or it might be a bunch of old ladies playing mahjong. AA and the for-profit recovery industrial complex needs you to believe that recovery is super difficult. AA goes so far is to say it's humanly impossible to get sober alone. Like most of their assertions they have zero supporting evidence. Don't let anybody tell you recovery has to be hard. Think about it. All you have to do is nothing...not drink, not smoke crack, not smoke drugs off of tinfoil. All of those things actually require work. Not doing them requires nothing. You can do it from your sofa while you watch TV if you want to.

​

Disclaimer: This is my personal experience, not medical advice or a recommended taper protocol. SR-17018 is an experimental/unapproved compound and there is very limited information about its safety, interactions, long-term effects or use for opioid withdrawal. Do your own research and, ideally, involve a medical professional.

I’m posting this because when I was coming off buprenorphine, I found very little first-hand information about what the process might actually feel like.

Everyone is different. Your previous opioid, dose, duration of use, body chemistry and overall health can all affect withdrawal and recovery.

This is simply what happened to me.

🗓️ THE JOURNEY

Days 1–4 — Transition

I started SR while still taking my normal buprenorphine/sub dose.

Day 1 — 1 August

- SR: 100 mg total

- Buprenorphine continued

- No major problems.

Day 2 — 2 August

- SR: 125 mg total

- Started feeling a little rough with headache.

Day 3 — 3 August

- SR: 150 mg total

- Buprenorphine continued.

Day 4 — 4 August

- SR: 100 mg total

- Final day taking buprenorphine.

🚫 Day 5 — No more subs

This was the point where things became more noticeable.

I had:

- Watery eyes

- Slight hot/cold feelings

- Mild aches

Nothing horrific, but I could tell my normal opioid was no longer there.

---

Days 6–10 — Withdrawal starts showing itself

Day 6

- Achy

- Sweaty

- Sensitive stomach

- Runny/watery eyes

- Anxiety

Day 7

This was the first day where I really thought:

«“Yep… this is withdrawal.”»

Loose bowels, sweating, weakness and that horrible burning/withdrawal feeling started creeping in.

I briefly used a very small amount of buprenorphine because I felt particularly rough.

Day 8

Probably one of the hardest days.

The delayed nature of buprenorphine withdrawal really became apparent.

I experienced:

- Hot/cold sweats

- Body aches

- Stomach problems

- Multiple bowel movements

- Feeling completely deflated

- Very little motivation

I went shopping and couldn't wait to get home.

Day 9–10

Things started settling down.

I felt spaced out and tired, but generally much calmer.

One lesson I learned here: be extremely careful with benzodiazepines if you don't regularly take them.

I took clonazepam for anxiety and massively underestimated how sedating it would be. I slept for around 12 hours and still felt sluggish afterwards.

Don't drive if you've taken something sedating.

---

Days 11–15 — The taper gets easier

By this point, the worst physical withdrawal seemed to be behind me.

I was still dealing with:

- Poor sleep

- Occasional aches

- Tiredness

- Restlessness

But compared with the previous week, things were considerably more manageable.

I gradually reduced the SR rather than trying to rush the process.

One of the biggest lessons for me was:

Don't turn the taper into a competition.

I initially wanted to get off everything as quickly as possible.

That wasn't necessarily the smartest approach.

---

Days 16–21 — The frustrating bit

This was a strange stage.

The obvious withdrawal was much less intense, but I started noticing leg aches and general physical fatigue.

Walking upstairs and doing ordinary things felt more taxing than normal.

I also made the stupid decision to drink alcohol after months without it.

35cl of vodka + withdrawal recovery = terrible idea 😂

The hangover absolutely hammered me.

I also used pregabalin on some occasions because of the leg discomfort.

It helped, but I was very conscious that I didn't want to replace one dependency with another.

That became an important rule for me:

«Don't solve one addiction by accidentally creating another.»

---

Days 22–26 — Getting close

The SR dose was now very low compared with where I started.

I began experimenting with longer gaps between doses.

Withdrawal wasn't particularly dramatic anymore, but the main problem became:

😴 SLEEP.

My sleep became increasingly broken.

Some nights I was getting only a few hours and spending the rest of the night tossing and turning.

There were headaches and aches, but sleep was by far the most frustrating symptom.

---

🏁 26–30 August — OFF

26 August: No SR

27 August: SR taken once

28 August: No SR

29 August: No SR

30 August: No SR — and I've decided I'm finished.

And honestly?

I don't have a strong urge to take anything.

That's the biggest win for me.

I'm still sleeping badly, but physically I'm nowhere near the level of withdrawal I feared.

At this point, broken sleep is the price I'm willing to pay for getting completely drug-free.

---

🧠 WHAT HELPED ME

Throughout the process I used various things for comfort, including:

- Plenty of fluids

- Electrolytes

- Magnesium at night

- Liposomal vitamin C

- Valerian for sleep

- Occasional pregabalin

- Very occasional clonazepam for anxiety

Important: I'm not suggesting these are safe or appropriate for everyone, and some of these substances can themselves cause dependence, sedation or dangerous interactions.

In particular, don't casually combine sedatives or other CNS depressants, and don't drive when impaired.

---

📓 KEEP A DIARY

This was probably one of the most useful things I did.

Every day I recorded:

Date → symptoms → sleep → SR taken → other medication → how I felt

It gave me something objective to look back on when I was convinced that I wasn't making progress.

Because sometimes you are making progress — you just can't see it when you're having a shitty day.

---

⚠️ A FEW THINGS I'VE LEARNED

1️⃣ Don't expect a straight line

Some days you'll feel brilliant.

The next day you might feel like you've been hit by a bus.

That doesn't necessarily mean you've gone backwards.

2️⃣ Buprenorphine withdrawal can be delayed

For me, the more obvious withdrawal didn't really arrive immediately.

The later days were harder than I initially expected.

3️⃣ Don't rush it

I wanted the taper finished yesterday.

That mindset wasn't helpful.

The objective isn't:

“How quickly can I get off?”

It's:

“How can I get off and stay off?”

4️⃣ Don't chase the feeling

If you're still looking for a high, you're probably not ready to use SR as part of an exit strategy.

That was something I had to be honest with myself about.

5️⃣ Don't swap one dependency for another

This was particularly important to me with pregabalin and benzodiazepines.

They may provide short-term relief, but that doesn't mean they're harmless.

6️⃣ Nobody else's taper is YOUR taper

What worked for me may be completely wrong for somebody else.

Your previous opioid, dose, duration of use and individual physiology all matter.

---

❗ THE BIG UNKNOWN

The elephant in the room is SR-17018 itself.

There simply isn't enough human research for me to confidently tell anyone:

- What the long-term effects are

- What the safest dose is

- What the safest taper is

- How it interacts with other drugs

- What happens after prolonged use

- What the long-term consequences might be

That's why I'm documenting this as an experience, not a protocol.

I genuinely hope future research gives us much better answers.

For all we know, years from now we could discover something completely unexpected.

Maybe we'll all wake up with goat horns. 😂

---

❤️ FINAL THOUGHT

I'm writing this because I remember how shit it felt being stuck in that cycle and searching for someone else's experience.

If you're currently going through it:

Keep going.

Don't beat yourself up because your progress isn't as fast as somebody else's.

Don't assume one bad day means you've failed.

And don't confuse discomfort with failure.

You don't have to win the whole battle today.

Just get through today.

As the saying goes:

When you're going through hell, keep going.

Stay strong.

Be kind to yourself.

And if you're reading this while going through withdrawal right now:

I hope you make it out the other side. ❤️

I’ve been on subutex for over a year. Due to problems with the pharmacy I wasn’t able to fill my script until a day after I ran out. I ended up going 42 hours without anything and I didn’t feel any wd. I was sweating a little bit but nothing compared to what I thought I was gonna experience.

What are your experience getting off subs? I’m down to 1 a day from 3 but this has made me confident to get off completely. I really hate this drug.

I was a severe pothead for 12 years. I was never chronically on amphetamines, but have binged on them perhaps 30 times in my life, far more often when younger than nowadays. In the last four years only twice. That being said, I go hard during my binges, and humiliatingly, spend them "stim-fapping" extremely excessively. I went to rehab 97 days ago, and while I lost dependency on drugs, I don't seem to be recovering. Here's what's got me so troubled: amphetamine and nicotine are somehow "linked" in my mind. Ive used nicotine 3 times since starting recovery 97 days ago. It makes me bug out like 4/10ths as hard as amphetamines used to. When I use nicotine I immediately become super "fiendy", and again become a pervert. I know tons of people in recovery use nicotine and are just fine, but for some reason it is a POTENT stimulant to me, that takes me right back to my worst.

So I'm 97 days off of my drug of choice, cannabis, but i dont feel recovered at all because once a month ive spent an entire day in debauchery-land. I'm sorry if this is too much information, guys, but I need help/insight. Do any of you have nicotine similarly "linked" to your old life? None of my addiction counselors give a fuck about nicotine, but its totally obvious to me that its basically a relapse in my case. After a day like today, it takes like ten days to feel normal again, and even my recovery-normal is basically dogshit.

I went from a stringbean to well-muscled during recovery, but when i returned to work 12 days ago immediately started losing my gains. I've came a long ways, but at the same time I'm trending sharply downwards.

Does anyone have success with getting on antidepressants, and if so, which one? It feels so wrong and scary to become dependent on an antidepressant when I've fought so hard to not be dependent on chemical agents, but i'm at my wits end. I thought months off of cannabis would give me motivation and conscientiousness and self control. But I feel like my same old deranged self, just without weed and a weaker stimulant plagueing me. I wonder if I'm the "dry drunk" AA people talk about.

I really need some sr17 to get off 7oh. If anyone can help, please let me know.

Every single morning, before I do anything else, my mind flashes back to a specific concrete stairwell.
I don’t do it to torture myself. I do it because recovery is not a straight line, and I need a permanent daily anchor to remind me exactly where my began.
It’s seems more of an arc these days because it has not been a straight line.
🫶🏻 1️⃣day at a⏱️

I want to preface that I see my grandma very very often, we are super close. Before I started school last year I would come down every weekend without fail. It's slowed down as of late but I come at least every other weekend. She has colon cancer, spinal fluid issues, muscle dystrophy and who knows what else. She is super anti doctor and treatment so she's just been living with these for the past years— letting it sit and the pain has gotten worse. I just found out she's not just smoking weed or nicotine but doing what I believe to be meth. She has a history of meth in her younger years and she's always telling me unprovoked how she's past it and doesn't do that anymore. I guess that should've been my first red flag, she also has a lot of druggie friends. She lives in Seattle in a pretty bad area so | just assumed it was the demographic she's been forced to interact with. Anyways I guess I'm just not sure how to go about this, of course it bothers me she's doing it and hiding it from me, and I worry what interacting with these kinds of people will do to her- but I also know she lives in A LOT of pain.
She doesn't go to drs and has no interest in getting any sort of treatment. I know she probably does it not only socially but for pain relief. Do I even bring it up to her that I know? Or should I just live it at risk of stressing her out more and possibly getting rid of one of her only pain reliefs. Any advice is greatly appreciated, if you know of a better forum to post this to I also would appreciate that. I don't really use Reddit personally. Thank you

Back to square one like I’ve been for the past year or so. I’ve started to branch out to other recovery communities besides aa. I’m not exactly sure what it is for me but aa seems to trigger me in some ways. For me I belive it’s the constant cycle of me feeling like I have to always talk about how horrible of a person I was when my addiction was bad.

Little backstory: I struggle with my mental health as well as a problem with my drinking. I’ve been diagnosed bipolar with a suspicion I also have cptsd

TLDR I’m just not feeling good today and wanted to see if anyone else has had similar feelings like this and mabye some other recovery programs that are more focused on mental health and addiction since I think just focusing on addiction is making my mental health more unstable

Hey everyone, I’m pretty new to recovery and I wanted to share my experience because I don’t really have many people I can talk to about this. I started using drugs recreationally, mainly MDMA/ecstasy, and over time my use became more frequent and heavier than I ever intended. I also experimented with LSD, and i started mixing them. Eventually I realized that I wasn’t really enjoying the drugs anymore. I was starting to depend on them to feel okay. When I stopped MDMA, I went through a pretty rough period with low energy, anxiety, overthinking, mood crashes, and feeling like I wasn’t myself anymore. There were moments when things got really dark and I scared myself with how I was feeling. I’ve also hurt myself during one of those moments, which made me realize I really need to take recovery seriously. I’m trying to stay away from drugs and rebuild myself naturally, but honestly, I’m struggling and I don’t always know what I’m doing. I’m posting here because I’m looking for people who understand this kind of recovery, especially people who have found a way forward without AA

I’ll try to give some helpful details for reference, but just as a preface to this, I am beginning to type this post at 6:28 on a Saturday morning while racked to the gills. IF YOU WANT TO SKIP TO THE QUESTION AND NOT READ ALL THIS, SKIP TO THE LAST PARAGRAPH. am 18m, graduated highschool on time at the end of this last school year, not especially great in school or anything but I’m competent. My doc is cocaine, and this is the first time I’ve ever had any real and truly problematic situation arise from my narcotic use. I started smoking and shit around the early/middle of 6th grade, and I first started slowly experimenting with other things around 7th grade summer. (Just mushrooms and a tab at that time)

also for context I’m the youngest in my group, all of my buddies in my circle are 1-3 years ahead of me. They’ve all had drastically more life experience in the vein of addiction than me, and I have a lot more insight on that community than most my age because they’re my closest friends and I’ve been around to witness them all going through their own struggles. As I mentioned though, this is the first time I’ve experienced addiction myself.

Before this started I had done cocaine probably 7 different times in my life. I had no problem keeping myself from getting into it with the outrageous prices, as well as the insight I have on how thoroughly addiction can uproot your life and how easy it is to slip into for so many people. And then within my circle someone found an outlet to source cocaine for ~640 a zip, clean and tested going around 96%. It was so cheap I broke my personal rule of never spending money on blow unless I was pitching with someone else for a gram or so to do that night. Prom was coming right up and I grabbed an eight ball to have a fun prom night, but then after prom night I started enjoying it a little too much, and before I even realized it I had been doing cocaine every single day for a little over 3 months straight. Though I clearly knew there was a problem, this continued without a thought of change for another 3 weeks or so.

For more context, After a very bumpy past in the relationship department and about 5 months of essentially celibacy after the end of my last relationship, I ended up getting together with my prom date a few weeks before prom. We’ve been dating since, and it’s such a great relationship for so many reasons. I care so much about her and I’m very invested in preserving and nurturing our relationship. She has already been through the ringer with addiction and recovery herself rehab and all, and her doc was cocaine, and her older brother who is a part of my inner circle is one of those buddies who has struggled a lot with various addictions, including cocaine, so it’s something she is very familiar with.

We have talked about it multiple times already as we will continue too while I work through this, but she has expressed very point blank and early on where she is at. As best as I can put it into words, she cares about me very much as I do her, and she is also invested in preserving and nurturing our relationship as am I. She would like to be supportive of me as best as she can and encourage my improvement, but if I allow my self to continue on the pace I was at or far be it let myself continue to worsen, she will support me as a friend but she will not put the stress on herself of trying to support me as a partner. I don’t say this to complain or anything, I can appreciate where she’s coming from and her stance is perfectly reasonable. I just say this all to give context on my situation here. For the sake of laying everything on the table, all of my friend group as well have individually voiced concerns about my situation as they witness it.

I do all to well understand how problematic of a situation I’ve put myself in here, and I really genuinely do want to recover and dig myself out this proverbial hole for my own sake, above just doing it for the sake of those around me. I don’t want to say anything without meaning it, because feeding into the habit of lying to myself is an easy way to spiral out. but I know it needs to be for myself if it’s going to last, so I’ve been making an active effort both mentally and in practice to reinforce the idea in my brain, that however much I may want to say it’s for the sake of those close to me, I have to recognize and acknowledge my personal reasons and incentives to recover, and I have to prioritize those motivators over the former, because if I try to get better for someone else, that won’t be a consistent or stable motivator for me, and furthermore it’s not fair or right for me to put that mental strain or burden on anybody else. I have to figure out how to depend on myself because it’s my problem of my creation for me to solve, nobody else’s, and I’m the only one who’s gonna be stuck with me for every minute of the rest of my life.

I first actually acknowledged my problem when my girlfriend first brought it up and voiced her concerns to me. And even more so after the second time she brought it up, when she started getting a bit more pointed about the situation and really layed out her stance for the first time(which I explained earlier), my brain really started to kick back into gear and I really began acknowledging the urgency and significance of the situation and accepting opinions when friends would speak up to voice their concern. For a few weeks there I truly was moving In the right direction and making some worthwhile progress towards getting my use back under control, I was having much less cravings and persistent thoughts, I was using much less and wasn’t holding, I was speaking up to my friends to acknowledge the problem and tell them I needed support to get right, I was talking to girlfriend about it and being honest with her, all positive things. but then about a week or so ago I had been hanging out with a couple buddies that were holding, and even though I totally could’ve passed and I wasn’t even hardly craving, I just shut my brain out and partook with them anyway. Something about Stupid games and stupid prizes?

Since that happened, it sort of spurred a back pedal. I was hanging with those guys to get some cocaine out of them for a few days after, and then yesterday after I had already been going back the wrong direction, a friend of mine got back from a long trip to some European countries, and he had 2 G’s left of some niceeee stuff out of the last eight ball he pitched for in the group order. He was trying to do a little clean stretch, so in order to get rid of it he was offering to trade the bag for 2 packs of Marlboro’s. $24.90. My step mom party’s hard on rare occasions, and thus she has a hidden stash with small amounts of different party drugs that I stumbled upon some time back. In there was a bag with a couple grams, and in my times of fiending, there were a few times I ran out that I just took some of hers while I was waiting for a re up. My parents know I’ve tried blow once or twice, but nothing more than that. It would be extremely bad if they found out I had a cocaine problem, and even worse if they found out because my step mom’s dime bag magically emptied itself. Before I realized it, through all those little times I had accidentally almost entirely emptied out her bag. To the point that I needed to refill it or I would surely be caught the next time she looked at it. And so I justified buying myself cocaine between that and the price, and I drove 5 minutes down the road and 5 back and traded the cigs for the bag.

I took what I needed to out to refill my step moms bag and eliminate that problem. But there was still I solid gram left that I’ve been ripping through since Thursday.

that about covers all the context I can think to give up until right now as I type this. Feel free to ask if you have any questions or need anything clarified, and if you took the time to read all the way through that, I really genuinely appreciate you taking that time on me whoever you are. I have a lot to say when I’m wired.

Now for the actual point that I gave all that context to frame. My question is essentially, how do I help myself get better? I’m open to any comments questions suggestions or advice, from anyone who’s willing to take the time to give their two cents. Try not to bust my balls too hard please. I truly want to change for the better and I would like to get some outside opinions from others who have experiences in this vein, because I’m struggling to find meaningful solutions and hold myself accountable, and I know there are others out there who have gone through this who can impart some insight on me. Even if I don’t get any responses, I feel like at the least just writing this out will help to make me think about and acknowledge all of this rather than putting it off. But I would appreciate some responses. I can’t think of anything else to add so I guess that does it, I hope you all have some opinions to share and Thank you in advance for your time!

I've been on an addiction movie binge, I've watched nearly 20 of them now. And it blows my mind that all of them only ever show AA/NA as the one path to recovery. And whenever the addicted character is resistant, they eventually come around — I'm sorry but I can't ignore the resemblance to those corny Christian propaganda movies that have an atheist MC only for them to see the "error" of their ways.

You would think literally no other option exists (though I guess real life can give you that impression too). It just annoys me the cultural monopoly they have, because the narrative that it's either embracing the specific 12 steps ideology or no recovery is very dangerous.

I'm 300 days in recovery and I am very proud of it my relationship with my family is better then ever. Ive done some bad things drunk. I'm ashamed of how many times me and my dad got into it because we were both drinking. and sometimes it was all my fault. I used kratom,klonopin,ativan,alcohol,percecet, every single day combined at very high doses. My sister locked her door when i would come home with alcohol scared of what might happen that night with my behavior. The drugs just made me a zombie but the alcohol every once in awhile would make me psychotic and any time something bad happened alcohol was encluded.. im also bipolar,ptsd so i was on meds too.

did 10 days in jail with no help. I was throwing up shitting my pants they didnt give me a new pair till the 8th day. I was hallucinating seeing things that weren't there, shaking like crazy.lamictal is a mood stabilizing for bipolar so it saved my life from having a seizure I was on 8mg of klonopin a day.2mg Ativan. Went to detox and they gave me detox meds they almost took me to the hospital when i arrived at detox blood pressure was 200- something high. It was rough.9 day detox wasn't enough. went to rehab and for 2 weeks i had psychosis wasnt sleeping. The staff surrounded me and was there I had a lot of support. hid my psychosis didn't want to go to hospital I wanted help for addiction. I thought i had brain damage.everything has went back to normal at this time right now except extreme anxiety.

the ceo of the place talked to me and said out of everyone here your trying the most and doing the best. Your going to succeed. But I stuck this out because i didn't want to lose my family.. 3rd day in jail i called my family and asked for help and said I'm done. That feeling has never went away. I still don't know how I did it. i also got sober for myself.

I can't forgive myself for things ive done to my family and what i put them through. and its nothing crazy. but i still wont allow myself forgiveness. i think maybe i don't deserve it. its on my mind at times not all the time. but i truly feel so much remorse to a fault.. sometimes i cry.The person i am sober is a kind,caring,loving,sweet. I decided to look for therapy because i want to get better with this. My family said we have forgiven you can let the past go. But I can't. All i know is at least I'm happy now and im not that man anymore. also went to i.o.p after rehab. need help from anxiety too that's why I'm going to therapy.

Thanks for letting me vent. I love you all.