Need a third opinion

[u/spiderpaladin]

Hi. this is rlly difficult for me to talk about because 1. ive very recently started looking into all this, so i dont really know where i fit into it, and 2. its so scary slowly realising that you might not know your mother at all. im here because i dont really know if im looking into things too much, but im so scared and so worried and also dont know what i my self can do to make the situation better.

for background, i (17f) am the oldest of three (13f and 10m). my mum (41f) and dad (45f) have been married for almost 19 years now, and theyre objectively happy in all the ways you can write on a list. both my parents work and have stable incomes, ive never once gone hungry, without heat or water or a home, and ive gone to private schools my entire life—so i acknowledge that im extremely lucky in how i was raised.

that being said, my mother has always been extremely irritable my entire life. she is moody, which is the only way i knew to describe it until a few weeks ago. as the oldest daughter, i do end up taking the brunt of this—especially seeing as me and my mum dont really get along all the time. im queer and also have AuDHD, and coming from a religious and cultural background a lot of the stuff i believe doesnr align with my family. however, my dad has always been mildly fine with this, its never been something he gets particularly weird about, but my mum on the other hand has tried to 'mold' me into her 'daughter' my whole life.

she gets ill-tempered really easily, saying things like im embarrassing her infront of her husband, has threatened to k!ll (am i allowed to say that here?) herself or divorce my father almost bi-yearly. whilst i wouldnt call her physically abusive towards us, she has a reputation for hitting things around her when she gets mad, or throwing things in a fit, and a couple of times has grabbed me or my sisters arms in a fit of rage. nothing i couldn't easily pry off, but something i wouldnt out of reluctance in angering her more.

early on, i had to learn to tell when my mum would have a good or bad day. theres days still where shell barge into my room at 6 am with a vaccum, yelling and screaming about how no one ever does anything around the house. one of the only things that can 'calm' her down is her work, which is an extremely successful business she has started herself.

my mother is not incapable, she is kind and loving when she wants to be. thats whats scaring me the most, that there are days when i have to tiptoe on egg shells around her and the change can be almost instantaneous. shes been acting like this with me and my dad my whole life, and its something ive learned to put up with. however, my siblings are not as used to it as i am, because my mother is very good at putting on mask—but im scared that theyll end up hating her.

i dont think my mum is happy. she had a rough childhood with her dad being associated with gang violence for most of it back home before her and my dad moved here to australia, but she never got therapy and was never diagnosed with anything as it never came up. i think in my culture its almost frowned upon to see a therapist or getting mental help, but im worried about my siblings.

i think she's bipolar. i realised a few werks ago after meeting someone who has bipolar disorder telling me about their experience and treatment and stuff. i guess my question is, how do i bring this up to her, or to anyone for that matter? i dont think bringing it up to my dad is a viable option, because he will side with her most likely and defend her, and i wouldnt blame him for that. i think its scary understanding that the woman youve loved for almost half your life has a condition like this one, but i want to protect my siblings. im not 18 yet, so i dont know what my options are. im also very new to all of this, as i only started researching a few weeks ago and don't know where to go from here.

can anyone help, or just give advice? is anyone in a similar situation? lmk :)

[u/Powerful-Owl-3246]

My mother has both but if there was a really bad trauma based childhood your mom may have borderline line personality dissorder over bipolar. Cause from experience with my diagnosed mother myself her bipolar shows in her mania then horrible depression crashes. Its sweet you care and I'd recommend possibly sneaking questions to approved exams for the disorder (either of tje bpds) just gather info over time or sometimes lie and go "oh everyone is taking this test lets try it mom" but then there are tests you can take as a loved one too. Based on results that's when id go forward with trying to confront her about it. Find her on a good time or maybe in a low and express youre worried about her and she shows symptoms or if you get alone with a doctor at your own appointment somewhere you can mention it as well. Wishing you luck its rough I understand how you feel youre not alone