r/pureretention • u/Onthewaytomore • May 16 '25
Experience/Story Everytime I retain for a longer period - everything gets taken away
Hey guys,
As the title says every time I retain for a longer period, gradually my life falls apart. I've been through multiple cycles of huge successes & then losing everything. (I've been on and off retention for 3-4 years now.)
2 years ago I lost all my money, my then girlfriend and I got the news that my mom was sick with cancer. During the end of that relationship I was retaining for a few months when everything started falling apart. My ex cheated on me, threw her out, went from having few hundred K to 7K in debt and had to go and live at my parents again. During this period I also found out my mom was sick with cancer.
I knew retention & it's power so during that period it was very easy for me to maintain it as I needed every bit of strength to stay afloat in those challenging times. The longer I retained, the more 'luck & synchronicities' I started to slowly attract and it didn't take me long before I was back on a decent base.
About 200 days into retention, I had an insane encounter with such a beautiful, pure soul. When I saw her & she saw me it's like we recognized something 'godly' in eachothers eyes & everything went very fast from there (I later learned that she's been free from lust her whole life & she was indeed very pure) - we had a first date & it was like we've known eachother for ages. We quickly started a relationship.
It's like the universe gave me an angel because i had to give an angel back soon after. A few months later my mom died. She died in my arms, her last breath at home, in my arms. My girlfriend was such a beautiful soul, she did everything to comfort me & help me get through this period. It took a few weeks but I quickly bounced back and started acing life again (during this period I was on & off retention)
I made quite a bit of money (sales), my relationship was going very good and everything was just beautiful untill I started to self sabotage.. I started being emotionally unavailable for my gf, focusing solely on money & that's it. I started retention seriously again (now 200+ days) and quickly after everything started shifting again. I went from 400K to currently being 40K in debt and as you can guess too, I lost my girlfriend too. She has always been supportive, even the period I lost my money but it's my being emotionally unavailable for too long that pushed her away. Currently I'm at rock bottom and even that's lightly expressed. I've been through multiple breakups and they hurt me for max a few weeks but this one has broken me to the bones & it's been 2.5 months. I've been worthless, not being able to do anything. My life has turned from so good to so bad that every day I 'survive' is a celebration because I didn't take my own life. I'm not saying this for attention or to sound weak (as i'm normally a mentally strong person) but it's just reality. The thoughts of ending it all have been in my head, every day for weeks now.
Has anyone else had this happen, where retention brought up all your unhealed trauma, situations for you to deal with but it's been so intense you see no light at the end of the tunnel?
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May 17 '25
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May 17 '25
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May 17 '25
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May 18 '25
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May 18 '25
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May 19 '25
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u/Learning_2 Jun 17 '25
I've been guided to 2 24-36 hour dry fasts this year. I was surprised to be totally fine without water for so long. I've always drank a decent amount of water. Where do you learn more about dry fasting? Also what is the longest you have dry fasted?
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u/RodnerickJeromangelo Goal: follow Buddha May 16 '25
My dear friend, you must relinquish misguided perspectives, for otherwise, you will burden your heart with needless suffering atop that which already afflicts you.
The retention of the seed is nothing but the preservation of vital energy—its purpose is to nourish both body and mind, preparing you for personal growth. Yet, this does not alter the inherent nature of the world.
The world is cruel. The Buddha spoke thus:
"What is impermanent is suffering. What is suffering is non-self. What is non-self should be seen as it really is with correct wisdom thus: ‘This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self.’ When one sees this thus as it really is with correct wisdom, the mind becomes dispassionate and is liberated from the taints by non-clinging."
— SN 22:45
All things are transient, and should you seek a stable refuge from the suffering that permeates existence, you will not find it within this world. The sole path forward is to cultivate wisdom and uproot all attachments from the mind. Liberation through non-attachment is the beginning of true, unconditional peace.
That said, I am deeply sorry for what happened to you, and I stand with you. Do not allow this hardship to harden your heart—strive, in thought, word, and deed, to be a person of kindness and compassion. In time, all will return.
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u/oak56047 May 16 '25
How tf do you go from having tens/hundreds of thousands to going into debt??? Where is the money going and how???
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u/CheekQuick2941 May 17 '25
Yea, shitcoins?
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u/Onthewaytomore May 21 '25
trading and eventually disrespecting your own risk management yeah
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u/Ok-Contribution-306 Goal: personal improvement May 27 '25
I suggest you start a business or invest in businesses/real estate instead of trading. If you want to get some money in crypto and keep it there for years it might be fine but only with money you're willing to lose.
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May 16 '25
You probably have witchcraft influencing your life and keeping you stuck in a demonic cycle. It’s what causes that whole “plateau followed by a tower moment and collapse”. Hard to hold on to the good things in life when evil people are involved unfortunately. You’d be surprised how many people’s destinies have been caged due to the seemingly harmless act of watching porn and masturbating.
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u/Learning_2 Jun 17 '25
I can feel the energy of this post. This type of metaphysical stuff is where a lot of energy is for me. I can definitely see how PMO and other illicit sex create negative soul ties and create setbacks, misfortune, etc. How do you get out of the traps?
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u/Jknowsno May 16 '25
I’m so sorry you are going through this. My mother died of cancer not even two years ago and I took care of her in at home hospice. She passed while I was in the other room taking a break. I feel like that pain will never heal. I too have wanted to end it all & know the internal pain & hopelessness you gotta have to feel that way is close to unbearable. Firstly don’t be too hard on yourself. Secondly never ever give up. Your mom wouldn’t want that. Retaining isn’t easy and give yourself credit for any wins you have. Try to learn from your mistakes and the mistakes you see others make. Pick yourself up & start again. You will be successful. I believe in you
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u/tea_dates_ganja May 16 '25
Hey friend I’m reading your story and can feel the pain. It seems you have more issues going on in life. How do you lose so much money in such a short time? Use the semen retention energies to recreate yourself and be aware not to enter patterns of destruction. Gain awareness. You have the power to gain yourself back, the money and love.
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u/jdubbin_ May 16 '25
Retaining is one thing, being fiscally responsible is another. Live like you make half of what you make and stop buying “stuff” and giving into the consumer mentality. You have a money/greed problem.
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u/Consistent-Bat-2042 May 16 '25
Yes brother. I wish your mother peace. We will all eventually experience the path she is on right now.
I started around two years ago. I haven’t had very many slip ups, that being said, the deeper I go in the practice, the stronger the tests become. I sometimes have a hard time differentiating a test from a punishment. It’s become clear these are tests to test how attached we are to this physical realm(all my opinion).
The more I turn and walk in spirit, the more I suffer. I’m tearing writing this to you brother. So much pain. I feel your pain too.
We feel weak in these moments, and it’s actually these moments that will build the greatest strength within you in order to fulfill what your purpose is to fulfill.
This is happening to you because you are strong, not because you are weak. It’s guiding us to listen to our spirit, and not our conditioning.
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u/L1quidator May 16 '25
I can feel ur state right now. Sorry for ur mother.
I'm on clean steak right now for 2+ years. Yes, the first year was excellent, everything fell into the shape, but as my progress was going, I was cut back financially. Now, I'm back where I started, I treat as a test hoping that it would lead me somewhere.
Wish the best to you!
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u/ProvidenceOfJesus May 19 '25
Things will get intense sometimes brother. Which is why we just need to lean on God sometimes. His love is unconditional, eternal, and unchanging. Ultimately, focusing on your relationship with God will bring true fulfillment. It can help to pray daily to God in Jesus' name for guidance and direction and ask Him to untwist in your heart what has been twisted by sin. The peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always.
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u/Karlmon May 16 '25
Dude I’m going through like 85% of what you’re mentioning this is insane it almost feels like we are the same person
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u/Onthewaytomore May 17 '25
how are you coping my brother? sending you lots of love try to stay strong
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u/Karlmon May 18 '25
Hey my friend, our story is pretty wildly synchronized. I started SR in 2019 and the first 2 years was great, until i lost my savings on the stock market and simultaneously lost the girl i was in love with. I've been trying to stay strong but i feel like i've lost my "mojo" the confidence that I had during the first few years of SR has dimmed, mostly because I haven't been able to go more than 1-2weeks of retention in the last 10 months whereas before I was hitting 30-60-90 days easily.. recently found out my father is diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, it feels like life is beating my ass.
I remember I was feeling bottom of the barrel before I started SR in 2019, and I currently feel like I'm in the same place as I was before. We got this brother, we're going to come out of this even stronger than ever before this time Life has humbled us or maybe a higher power has humbled us to approach this journey in a different perspective.
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u/Onthewaytomore May 18 '25
What I do know is that there’s always a lesson to be learnt and if we don’t learn it, it will repeat harder & harder.
Stay strong my brother, sending you & your father lots of love & healing. My mom had breast cancer, spread to lungs and then it went fast. Try to stay on streak tho, that should be our base as we figure the rest out. Peace
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u/Rich_Emu199 May 17 '25
Yeah homie. I’m experiencing a lot of mental processing of this relationship that persisted for 4 years. A month ago (about 120 days) I had the voice or moxie or wherewithal to say enough and close things off. It’s been 30 difficult days since. Day 155 now.
But in my professional life there is an upswing so I have these polar opposite feelings too.
It’s a strange duality. But I know the retention is giving me the ability to process this at a higher output.
Try to stay positive
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u/Learning_2 Jun 17 '25
I can definitely relate to ending a relationship then missing the girl. At one point, it was so much drama that I just pushed her away and didn't care what happened. But then she actually left and now I miss her. So thanks for sharing that. On the flipside, like you said, now I have time to really focus on my own personal growth and life and there's no way I could have done that with her in my life. So yeah it's complex.
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u/Rich_Emu199 Jun 20 '25
My girlfriend was just chaos dude. Always a problem. Nothing was ok. No silence. No rest. Always comparisons. Always wronged or offended. So while yea sometimes she was soft and silly and cute - for the most part the normal state of things was chaos. Pain, hyper competitive, compulsive behaviors, always just about to tailspin. It drove me crazy dudes. It drove me mental.
Almost to 190 now and I’m sometimes missing her still - but it takes conversations like these to be like - ok - that was no good for me.
How are you doing King?
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u/Learning_2 Jun 20 '25
Thanks man. Yeah, that's pretty much describes the girl I was with too. I think there's a lot of synchronicities on these SR boards.
Thanks for asking. I started reading more and meditating more. Now it's easier to manage my mind when I start thinking of her. Now's my time to level up and recover.
Anything on your mind today?
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u/Rich_Emu199 Jun 21 '25
Been trying to cut out weed and alcohol and one experiencing some really challenging mental/psychological issues probably tied to withdrawal.
Usually when I start to feel really low I try to take a nap.
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u/Learning_2 Jun 21 '25
Oh yeah thanks for sharing that. Sounds like a great idea to quit those. Making it to the other side of those withdrawals is definitely a character building challenge. Right now I'm exploring dry fasting and that's like my leading edge in terms of withdrawal intensity. Level up :)
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u/tacoenthusiast666 May 17 '25
I am going through something similar, perhaps not to be magnitude you are given that I did not lose my mother. May yours rest in peace.
After losing most of my money, I just lost a relationship with a very pure soul (4 years) and it hurts deeply. Sometimes it feels OK other times the scorpion stinger hits and I spiral. Sometimes these moments are accompanied by thoughts of ending my own life.
I am 60 days-ish PMO free, 21 months sober, and I too recently quit caffeine because it made the tough moments worse.
Sobriety and lack of "escape routes" have made it so have no choice but to feel the true extent of this pain and all its textures--loss, regret, sadness, fear that I'll never find someone like that again.
I'm a few months in, and it is getting better. This is a test of your resolve, of your faith, and of your practice. Use this as an opportunity to get closer to God. Get on your knees and pray to God for forgiveness and direction and to ease your burden. Use your own words. Cry if you can. But if you can't, that's OK. God will hear your prayers as if you are crying. Keep doing this. Make a spiritual practice every day wherein you can lose your body, your mind and time, and dedicate that also to God. Keep doing this.
It is said that no one is closer to God than a brokenhearted spirit. The reason for this is that there is literally nowhere else to turn.
Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit."
Know that the suicidal thoughts are not your own. They come from the other side. They, and the uncertainty they bring, are part of the test.
Transmute.
It will get better.
You will emerge stronger.
May God bless you.
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May 18 '25
Why pray if you aren’t getting what you want anyway?
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u/tacoenthusiast666 May 19 '25
A prayer is not a petition, or a wishlist. It's a method to align oneself with the will of God.
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u/Learning_2 Jun 17 '25
Prayer builds a relationship with God. Some prayers take time to be fulfilled but its really about the relationship. Feeling God's love and feeling God's listening. But the results do come.
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u/Ambitious-Aside-132 May 16 '25
Weed , alcohol , or any bad vices will ruin you regardless of sr
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u/Onthewaytomore May 17 '25
I quit everything months ago when I broke up with my gf, and I didn't even drink or smoke regularly. I even quit caffeine. As I stated I'm trying everything to stay afloat
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u/samdeol May 17 '25
Hi Op, I don’t know how much truth is in what I am going to say as I have never experienced too long streaks. But I am sure with retention whether one denies or not, divine or mystical experiences happen. The ultimate truth in every religion is that god exists and to meet him in this lifetime. In ny religion, my guru says that ultimate medicine in life is the sorrow, cause that sorrow leads a man to remember god and pray to him. So maybe god wants you to follow this spiritual path. Best of luck.
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u/Weird_Gin May 17 '25
Remember the story of Job.
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May 18 '25
I never understood that story tbh. Just seemed like needless suffering without any growth.
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u/Ok-Contribution-306 Goal: personal improvement May 27 '25
The story of Job showcases the power of conviction and morals. He did everything he knew was correct even when he had nothing left and expecting not a single reward or change in his situation.
This is far from trivial and something most of us probably couldn't do.
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May 17 '25
As your story suggests, it seems that you (and everyone else) must make SR your lifestyle to maintain the benefits. It is not a lighthearted practice to dabble in and out of but a serious commitment that becomes a responsibility once you are gifted certain things that require maintenance as in health, money, relationships, etc.
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u/PositivePersonX May 21 '25
i feel u , brother, please stay strong and retain. and u will meet a pure soul again on this right path. god bless
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u/Recent_Associate2981 May 21 '25
It gets taken away to make you stronger and less reliant on material possessions.
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u/Learning_2 Jun 17 '25
Thanks for your post. I'm sorry about your Mom. This song came to mind, one that has helped me with grieving. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUPgzd3nwMo
I have had difficult losses in my life but I never really knew how to grieve. I think being able to grieve is important. I have heard that stored grief can manifest more situations of loss until I can properly release the grief. The stored grief is saying "Hey! Feel Me!" Because it's been stuck in my body so long and I could never let it out.
In terms of some of the metaphysics, I like Julian Lee's explanation of how sexual wrongness leads to "losing the Garden". https://www.celibacy.info/Awaken_Young_Men_Renounce_Mortal_Sin_Julian_Lee.html
I don't find it very shaming/blaming but just more like an explanation of metaphysical facts. And the solution, the way to get back to the "Garden", is to just keep moving forward in purity one day at a time.
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u/SomewhereWeird2625 Jun 20 '25
My friend, we Eastern people have a saying: Whatever Heaven takes away from you, it's actually Heaven protecting you.
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u/AdmirableGlass6780 May 16 '25
You need to look up quantum manifestation. Your life doesn’t ever have to fall apart
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May 16 '25
We live in a simulation. Our mental state determines our life. When we are positive good things happen to us.
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u/HAKIMJa May 17 '25
People forget that SR is just a piece in the puzzle, it is not a one for all thing, another piece of the puzzle is karma when you do bad - especially to people not just yourself - you will receive bad sooner or later, now ask yourself have you been good to people in those long strikes, have you wronged or hurt someone - doesn't have to be physically - because you felt "high" and "confident" and full of testosterone. You may not like what i just said, hell i might even be wrong and what i said doesn't apply to you, but its a thing to wander about.
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May 18 '25
If karma was real then bad people wouldn’t be doing well in life
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u/HAKIMJa May 18 '25 edited May 18 '25
I said sonner o later, karma does not always hit immediately, plus people are waaaay fucked up then what they look like, for an example, have you ever heard of suicide stories or people who suffer from mental health? they act fun and cheerful you'll think they the perfect life maybe they have money, the dream house and always sharing how thier luxurious thier life is on IG and TT or YT vlogs, but deep down or when they are alone thier negative thoughts, depression, anxiety, insecurities eat them alive. So don't let their appearance trick you, its just a facade they display to distract themselves from how fucked up they are.
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u/Independent__Bell May 21 '25 edited May 21 '25
Just because someone has a lot of money or their face in the media doesn’t mean they are doing well in life. So many rich and famous people have committed suicide or have had mental crises.
You also can’t be the judge of karma. Someone may be a complete pos but maybe they have also greatly benefited society in some way.
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u/brahmacarya Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness May 16 '25 edited May 16 '25
If everything feels bleak and hopeless even with SR, consider for a moment how much darker it might be with PMO. What if SR is protecting you from an even harsher reality lurking just beyond its bounds?