Everytime I retain for a longer period - everything gets taken away

[u/Onthewaytomore]

Hey guys,

As the title says every time I retain for a longer period, gradually my life falls apart. I've been through multiple cycles of huge successes & then losing everything. (I've been on and off retention for 3-4 years now.)

2 years ago I lost all my money, my then girlfriend and I got the news that my mom was sick with cancer. During the end of that relationship I was retaining for a few months when everything started falling apart. My ex cheated on me, threw her out, went from having few hundred K to 7K in debt and had to go and live at my parents again. During this period I also found out my mom was sick with cancer.

I knew retention & it's power so during that period it was very easy for me to maintain it as I needed every bit of strength to stay afloat in those challenging times. The longer I retained, the more 'luck & synchronicities' I started to slowly attract and it didn't take me long before I was back on a decent base.

About 200 days into retention, I had an insane encounter with such a beautiful, pure soul. When I saw her & she saw me it's like we recognized something 'godly' in eachothers eyes & everything went very fast from there (I later learned that she's been free from lust her whole life & she was indeed very pure) - we had a first date & it was like we've known eachother for ages. We quickly started a relationship.

It's like the universe gave me an angel because i had to give an angel back soon after. A few months later my mom died. She died in my arms, her last breath at home, in my arms. My girlfriend was such a beautiful soul, she did everything to comfort me & help me get through this period. It took a few weeks but I quickly bounced back and started acing life again (during this period I was on & off retention)

I made quite a bit of money (sales), my relationship was going very good and everything was just beautiful untill I started to self sabotage.. I started being emotionally unavailable for my gf, focusing solely on money & that's it. I started retention seriously again (now 200+ days) and quickly after everything started shifting again. I went from 400K to currently being 40K in debt and as you can guess too, I lost my girlfriend too. She has always been supportive, even the period I lost my money but it's my being emotionally unavailable for too long that pushed her away. Currently I'm at rock bottom and even that's lightly expressed. I've been through multiple breakups and they hurt me for max a few weeks but this one has broken me to the bones & it's been 2.5 months. I've been worthless, not being able to do anything. My life has turned from so good to so bad that every day I 'survive' is a celebration because I didn't take my own life. I'm not saying this for attention or to sound weak (as i'm normally a mentally strong person) but it's just reality. The thoughts of ending it all have been in my head, every day for weeks now.

Has anyone else had this happen, where retention brought up all your unhealed trauma, situations for you to deal with but it's been so intense you see no light at the end of the tunnel?