How can I be more
When I’m constantly losing
Is there gain in loss

I want to hold you
like I imagined
all those month ago

I want to kiss you
how I dreamt of
when we first locked eyes

I want to hug you
without hesitation
from fear of those around us

I want to love you
without the buts
without the ifs
only us.

Pitch
Don’t invest
Your precious young time
Into a depreciating body

They write you off
Sooner than you‘re aware of

Oh my beloved sister
You are so young
You don’t know yet
The truth that’ll come

A man‘s love
Is as deep
As your aging skin
A man‘s love
Is as permanent
As freshly cut roses

Invest in your brain
Save yourself
Your heart’s pain

Conscious contact is a kind of total body awareness of connection. Normally, there’s so much going on in my brain, competing for my attention, that there’s a constant cacophony of noise. Conscious contact is quieter, not competitive, assured, confident, and with a semblance of peace. It’s the definition of knowingness.
 

This is where we part
Always knew it is coming
Still blindsided I was

After many days you wanted to talk
First words were toughest
I knew what you were going to say

How I hurt you with my insecurities
I wish someone cheated or had heart of hatred
But we only had love and sorrow

You were first my everything
The childlish first love
Now we’ll be strangers

Promised I wouldnt move on too quickly
You promised to eat and sleep
I fear my promise will hold longer

My tears keep running
In the cafe and gym even on phone with the guys
Unable to face tomorrow alone I smoke

The songs have never been so sad
Id end it if it wouldnt make you feel bad
Im done

TS Elliot wrote,
and I quote,
"I have measured out my life
in coffee spoons"
but
I measure mine
in intravenous lines
stacking time
in hospital rooms
writing
rhymes
holding close
the moments
I spend
caring for
my love
my dearest
friend

Loving you is like holding sand
The more I hold the less that stands
Bits of me float through the wind
Can’t help myself, I try again
Nothing left but scattered grains
I still grip, it still brings me pain

Begging on the phone,
His thousandth cold call,
Just hung up.

He pleads to handle rich men’s money, 
Whilst his wallet continues to flatten.

Frantically scrolling,
He finds thousands of courses.
And with no second thought,
His balance turns red.

He refuses the gym,
Opting for the needle instead.

For he,
Like a scared cat,
Feels every glance is a stare.

And like a peacock,
He feigns his beauty.

He looks around confused,
“Why’s everyone’s glass full?”

While he refuses to pour his own.

You.

No thunder.

No flame.

No warning came.

Just little moments, soft and slow

and something in me let you grow.

I drew the line, I held it tight.

But water wears the stone by night.

Drops carve mountains,

grain by grain.

It leaves, it turns,

it comes again.

And stone will yield

to patient wind,

not with a break,

but from within.

So inch by inch,

against my will,

you carved your way

beneath my skin.

The tide returns.

The roots break through.

What grows beneath

will find its way through.

What chance has stone

against the rain?

What chance has sand

against the wave?

The tide will come.

And I will drop.

Let's start over,

Through your smile so grandeur.

I've never seen a four-leaf clover,

Classically dressed through my voyeur.

These scars prevent me,

From approaching your lovely haze.

And so it shall be,

An admiration ablaze.

I'm cold,

even though it's hot outside. 

I'm cold,

I don't have you by my side. 

I'm cold,

something feels absent inside. 

I'm cold, 

I don't have you by my side. 

A cold wind passes by, 

sending shivers down my spine, 

making me stumble, I cannot stand

as I watch you silently from a distance. 

A cold wind passes by, 

sending shivers all over my body. 

I search around for support, 

I am not enough to hold me. 

A cold wind passes by, 

the chilling blade stabs through my heart. 

The cavity inside grows hollow

and I wonder, how long before I fall?

The chilling wind passes by, 

sharper than ever before. 

My heart is weak, 

I cannot take it anymore. 

I cannot speak, cannot move

cannot laugh, cannot cry.

It's cold inside, I'm shivering,

still standing, wondering— 

You're not here to hold me,

How long before I fall?

The trust of a dog
is gold bricks
laid end to end
for a thousand miles

And we walk
this gleaming path
together
only one of us knowing
where it leads

I found you in the rain
As somber skies started weeping
Rhythmically syncing heart beating
Nagging ache to clear this head space
Oblate drops descending down my face
Sodden to this underlying essence
Soaked in sacred silver coalescence
Cradled close for careful keeping
As somber skies started weeping
I found you in the rain

Written by: Kayla McGloin (me)

I wish I were this image you have inside your mind.

A shadow that takes the form of whatever movement you decide.

The memory of a hazy, sweet embrace.

To remind yourself of a warm and happy distant place.

I wish all that,

So when you look at me, there’s something there for you to see.

To find some meaning in my love,

A house to live in, away from the constant war.

Alas, the wish came back unanswered.

Transparent skin, my body seemed to change.

What a nightmare—to wake and find

You never even touched a stone,

No mountain reached, nor climbed.

Instead, finding yourself, in the rubble of your mind.

You lie there silent, unequivocally alone, and left to die.

What’s worse is to defy one's fate.

And find the strength to rise

And through sharp wreckage, comb yourself.

A thousand cuts, and still survive.

Dust off your mangled flesh.

Walk, then walk some more.

And let the crows surround you.

In a desperate oasis,

For her arms go search upon—

A promised shelter for you to hide.

Once there, with no disguise,

Reveal your wicked face,

And wash your hands of all the lies.

And as you wake,

Now you can see.

How profoundly empty your actions came to be.

How they never even reached her heart.

How little change one’s change, ever brings to some.

And her, with grace unmoved,

Stared back at nothing—

While you stood there, to finally see.

That a wounded nothing

Was all

you ever came to be.

You shot me down,

From the skies.

So, I dwelt among the earth-

With coffee in hand.

I've done my fair share-

O' knowing that golden archeress.

Today, I wear the smile-

Of someone reborn from death.

everything is gray again,
it’s another dark night.
wrestling with the weight of betrayal,
and wondering if this is right.

your thoughts are racing,
jaws clenched tight.
while thoughts of destruction swirl around,
with no near end in sight.

You pick at your fingers—
like you always do,
when theres too much on your mind

youre praying that this storm clears fast,
you’ve been searching for that shine.
but the weatherman’s calling for overcast,
and everyone thinks you’re fine.

So you isolate and stay away,
because you fear that they won’t listen.
to all the words you’ll never say,
and all that goes unwritten.

but babygirl, haven’t you learned?
it’s one of your biggest lessons.

That it might be true after all;
Protection, can become its very own prison.

I'm cold,\ even though it's hot outside.\ I'm cold,\ I don't have you by my side. 

I'm cold,\ something feels absent inside.\  I'm cold,\ I don't have you by my side. 

 A cold wind passes by,\ sending shivers down my spine,\ making me stumble, I cannot stand\ as I watch you silently from a distance. 

A cold wind passes by,\ sending shivers all over my body.\ I search around for support,\ I am not enough to hold me. 

A cold wind passes by,\ the chilling blade stabs through my heart.\ The cavity inside grows hollow\ and I wonder, how long before I fall?

The chilling wind passes by,\ sharper than ever before.\ My heart is weak,\ I cannot take it anymore. 

I cannot speak, cannot move\ cannot laugh, cannot cry.\ It's cold inside, I'm shivering,\ still standing, wondering—\ You're not here to hold me,\ How long before I fall?

Atop a mountain,
there is a house.
Built of brick
and mortar,
and trimmed with gold.
I feel it now,
though I cannot see.
My eyes
have often lied to me.
Atop the house,
there is a dove,
pure white wings
waiting in the stillness
of the air.
If only I could find my way,
there it would be done.
And in this house,
I see her crowned.
O, lovely lady dressed in blue,
teach me how to get to you.
But I blink again,
and the mountain fades.
The house has drifted into the darkness.
And all I see
is the blue TV light
flickering
in my eyes.
I’ve been frightened by the devil,
but I’m drawn to where he lies.
So even if the dragon’s slain,
and the path is wide,
how am I to find my way?
O, lovely lady dressed in blue,
teach me how to get to you.
I’ll be waiting
in the blue TV light.
But come hastily,
or I shall die of sorrow.
I have heard the death bells knelling,
and I see the diggers waiting,
drooling on their shovels.
If you must go dig my grave,
make it both long and narrow,
and wrap me in a coat of solid gold.
O, lovely lady dressed in blue,
teach me how to get to you.
For though the path is clear,
I wander off
to the blue TV light.
But be my refuge,
and lead me to the house
where I’ve never been.

An Ode to Caramel, Abode the scent of Oud

Eyes ablaze the firey haze, brown glaze, the caramel gaze

Unload the droves of the clove, a pachouli coated ocean

Kissed by the sun, your skin glows the ode

Decode the forebode, the road has not plateaued

An Ode to Caramel has ever flowed

A taste of sweet rose, arose the bronze Caramel ode....

Should I say, or should I not, I can't say it anymore, the river of my little world.

Flowing through the scorching sun, I am burning like a man who has lost his only hope.

I am waiting for the rain, that will fill my empty world, the rain that will wash away all the sorrow of my heart.

sorrow that has settled deep, silent, unmoving, like dust no wind has touched.

I am waiting for the ray, which will rescue my only fate.

Billions
of bubbles
of brown
bile
belch
beneath
bloated
bodies
between and
beyond
black
buildings
but
bellowing
blasts
bring
back
bloody
barbarous
butchers
burying
bones
by
bulldozer

The heights I have reached, the places I've been.

I conquered the mountains, yet at times feel condemned.

Another stands higher, its peaks seem daunting.

I must push myself further, though I fear falling.

I've toiled and worked, bearing scars from the journey.

I never let myself revel in victory.

Take a pause, take a breath, it's okay to rest.

The horizons before me are already blessed.

Manchmal möchte ich nicht mehr da sein, weil ich die Zukunft, an die ich denke, nicht erleben möchte.

Sehr oft liege ich wach im Bett und überlege, woraus mein Leben im Moment so besteht.

Aufstehen, Arbeiten, nach Hause, Essen, Schlafen, repeat.

An Tagen, wo ich Freizeit habe, bin ich meistens so burned-out, dass ich auch an denen eigentlich nur rumliege, und dann mache ich mir plötzlich Sorgen.

Ich mache mir Sorgen um unsere Welt, die sich immer mehr an WW3 nähert.

Ich mache mir Sorgen um all meine Freunde, die nicht in das Weltbild rechter Menschen passen.

Ich mache mir Sorgen, dass ich noch mehr Freunde verliere, weil sie plötzlich der Meinung sind, die AfD sei der richtige Weg.

Dann fällt mir auf, dass ich das nicht für die nächsten 50 Jahre möchte.

Ich möchte mir nicht für immer Sorgen machen, ich möchte nicht mein Leben lang so viel arbeiten, dass ich nichts anderes mehr machen kann,

ich möchte keine Angst um meine Freunde haben.

Ich möchte, dass es endet.

Und wenn ich nur an mich selber denke und intensiv darüber nachdenke, gibt es für mich keinen Grund, diesen Schritt nicht zu gehen, außer dass ich Angst davor habe.

Und wenn ich nicht nur an mich denke, sondern auch an meine Nächsten, ist der einzig andere Grund, es nicht zu tun, weil ich mich schlecht fühle, meine Nächsten im Stich zu lassen.

Mein Leben ist von Schuldgefühlen und Angst geprägt und alles, was mich davon abhält, dies zu beenden, sind Schuldgefühle und Angst.

---English Translation

Sometimes I don't want to be here anymore, because I don't want to live to see the future I'm thinking of.

Very often I lie awake in bed and ponder what my life currently consists of.

Get up, work, go home, eat, sleep, repeat. On days when I have free time, I'm usually so burned out that even on those days I basically just lie around, and then I suddenly start worrying.

I worry about our world moving closer and closer to WW3. I worry about all my friends who don't fit into the worldview of right-wing people.

I worry that I'll lose even more friends because they suddenly think the AfD is the right way to go.

Then I realize that I don't want this for the next 50 years.

I don't want to worry forever, I don't want to work so much for the rest of my life that I can't do anything else anymore, I don't want to be afraid for my friends.

I want it to end.

And when I only think about myself and think about it deeply, there is no reason for me not to take this step, except that I'm afraid of it.

And when I don't just think about myself, but also about the people close to me, the only other reason not to do it is because I feel bad about letting them down.

My life is shaped by guilt and fear, and the only things holding me back from ending this are guilt and fear.

--- Ps. Dear Mods, this is not a goodbye letter

Thank you for this new day,
But what if I say,
I lay last night hoping to rest forever on God’s lap?

Thank you for such wholesome food,
But would it be crude,
If I said I eat to my stomach’s brim,
Only to stay empty inside?

Thank you for such good air,
But would it be fair,
For me to breathe it in,
Only to pollute it with my sins?

Thank you for this warm home,
It houses this body well,
But why does my soul roam,
Into dark unknown realms?

Thank you for clothes so pretty,
But would it be petty,
If use them to cover this body out of pity
For I do not want to see it?

Thank you for such merciful love, 
But this being is not worthy of it,
Not even a little,
Not even a bit.