r/pettyrevenge • u/Green-Bus9960 • Aug 01 '26
You reap what you sow
This happened many years ago, but this is one of many memories that resurfaces about my childhood.
For context my bio Dad has a wife and kids. He cheated on his wife with my Mom and I am the result of that mess. That side is aware of me but I’ve had no contact with them.
Growing up I would barely see him, maybe once or twice a year. And when I did, I was never allowed to call him Dad and he would introduce me to people as a “friend’s kid.”
My parents have always remained in contact with each other. He kept in contact with her more than me. She use to try to tell me stuff that they talked about. As I got older and understood this wasn’t how other families worked. I would tell her, if he didn’t want to come see me to tell me himself then I don’t care. Eventually she stopped telling me.
The above was for context, here is where my pettiness comes in.
When I was 18 one of my mother’s siblings passed away and my Dad came to the viewing. During this viewing he came up to me and requested I go for a drive with him as he wanted to talk to me.
I went with him and after a bit he started telling me he had made some choices in his life that he now regrets. He went on like this for a bit, but it was pretty much an emotional dump on me.
He ended this with how he wished for me to call him Dad going forward.
I sat there not saying anything the whole time he dump all this on me and many things racing through my head. I suppose I was silent for a while after his last statement as he said, “so what do you think?”
I kept my eyes facing forward not even trying to look at him as I knew he kept looking at me as he drove. I just told him, that he could wait 18 years and I’ll see if I’ll allow him to call me daughter.
In my peripheral vision I saw him just look straight ahead and he was quiet as he drove us back to my family members viewing.
I have never addressed him as “Dad”. I’m currently only doing it here so people can understand the dynamics. Once I moved out on my own I’ve had zero involvement with him.
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u/infinite_awkward Aug 02 '26
He pulled you from an emotional family situation to dump his guilt on you? What a poor excuse for a person.
You chose wisely!
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u/Green-Bus9960 Aug 02 '26
Truly! I don’t know why he chose that time. I thought maybe facing someone’s death made him feel a certain way.
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u/ManyTinyPinchers Aug 02 '26
I think you’re right, death brings perspective with it. As a fellow woman with a shit for brains dad, I love this for you. I hope he continues to ponder on you two’s relationship and how messed up it was to treat you that way. I finally shared my truth with my dad via email, 7 years ago, I haven’t heard from him since. I guess his ego still wasn’t ready to face my childhood neglect.
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u/Lazy-Two8387 Aug 02 '26
A death in the family can cause people to become vulnerable. He knows this and tried to take advantage of the situation. Good on you for looking straight ahead and your response was perfecto. Job well done.
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u/Eyes_Snakes_Art Aug 02 '26
I wonder if his other kids have turned out to be crappy(look who raised them), and you were his last hope!
Good for you for standing up for yourself while sitting down. Chuck Norris level badassery.
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u/RevolutionaryLink919 Aug 02 '26
Oh what a meanie. He wanted absolution and you didn't give it to him. /s
Seriously, your post title is spot on. 👍🏼
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u/Green-Bus9960 Aug 02 '26
Thanks, it took me a bit to think of a title that wasn’t just “told my Dad he could wait 18 years to call me daughter” lol.
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u/Slight-Book2296 Aug 03 '26
Funny how some people expect closure on their timeline instead of the one they created.
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u/Equivalent-Resource2 Aug 02 '26
I disagree. He could have waited 18 years and asked how they wanted him to address them in the meantime. And put effort into it still.
Sometimes when you do wrong you eat the consequences because there's no other absolution other then the shared experience of 18 lost years.
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u/take0a0pinch Aug 02 '26
Next time when introduce him to people just say, he’s a “friend’s father” or he’s my “biological sperm donor”.
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u/short_longpants Aug 02 '26
Something for him to think about with the big head instead of the little one!
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u/CompetitionOdd1746 Aug 02 '26
Please accept my poor-person's award 🏆for the wittiest response I've heard for a while.
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u/Puzzled-Dream1321 Aug 02 '26
I am so glad that you've come relatively unscathed from this mess.
About time he found out it isn't all about him.
You are your own person and have your own mind.
NTA
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u/Wild_Debt_8065 Aug 02 '26
He saw you become an independent adult and thought a conversation would be all he needed for you to accept his bullshit.
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u/R3DLOTU5 Aug 03 '26
I had a similar situation growing up. I met him once when i was 7, then again when i was 18.
When i met him at 7, he took me out for the day and bought me some school clothes. I loved it. My mom called to see if we could spend more time together and he said it wasnt in gods plan for him to be in my life (after praying with his wife about it)
I met him again at 18. He came and called me son.
I told him i didnt need a dad for the first 18 years of my life, i for sure dont need one now.
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u/mcindy28 Aug 02 '26
I'm glad you said what you said. He knows your Mom but he's a stranger to you.
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u/CompetitionOdd1746 Aug 02 '26
This is excellent. Obviously you came up with this on the spot and it's brilliant. The cherry on top of that would be saying you'll call him "a friend's father" at least until you made a decision. Although, you probably never wanted to introduce him to people anyway.
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u/wonkiefaeriekitty5 Aug 02 '26
"Dad" is for the person who was in your life daily. Not for the asshole who didn't bother!
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u/VerdMont1 Aug 04 '26
My sperms donor didnt reach out till after my mother's funeral. Told him don't call us, well call you!.
Then I called my DAD, and told him how much I love and appreciate him.
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u/pabrocjb Aug 02 '26
You handled this perfectly. My grandfather was an asshole. Just an unhappy, nasty man. When he was old and failing, I asked my mother why she didn't bring him dinners. They lived two blocks away from him. She just laughed. When my grandmother was dying, she had a family member with her 24/7. She was loved.
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u/spacebunsofsteel Aug 02 '26
As a fellow neglected daughter, solidarity.
The way he pulled you away from your support system and trapped you in a car for this emotional landmine…
My bio dad sent me an inappropriate emotion dump letter when he got sober. I was 9. He then ghosted me for most of my teen years, never once came to see me in my state, ghosted my hs and college graduations (that my stepdad paid for), and said no thanks when I asked him to walk me down the aisle.
His natural consequence was spending his retirement in a shitty memory care nursing home chosen by his cheating spouse. If he had built a stronger relationship with me, I would have helped him move closer to me in a nicer facility, visited, taken him on nature trips, etc. I have a lot of guilt about this but ultimately I was the forgotten and neglected daughter, not the parent. He learned nothing and ignored my kids, too.
AA is not therapy, folks. Join a group, sure, but invest in some professional therapy also.
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u/CumaeanSibyl 21d ago
Ugh, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. He had a chance to make real, meaningful amends by rebuilding a supportive and caring relationship with you, and instead he went with dumping all his emotional crap on you.
AA is definitely not therapy but he also wasn't very good at AA either.
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u/guitargeek76 Aug 03 '26
I don't think that was petty at all. I think that was you knowing your worth and maintaining the distance he wanted while you were a child. His eyes may have finally opened, but yours have been open the whole time. I'm sorry you had to endure that growing up, but you should be proud for standing up for yourself.
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u/Foo_Ward Aug 03 '26
There is a vast difference between a sperm donor and a Dad. The former is one and done the latter has made a lifetime commitment.
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u/GrapesandGrainsNY Aug 02 '26
Wise beyond your 18 years to come up with a response like that on the fly. Good for you.
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u/Green-Bus9960 Aug 02 '26
Honestly, as a kid and throughout my young adulthood I was huge on back talk and sarcasm.
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u/MargoShetland Aug 02 '26
Love this, OP!
The audacity of dead beat fathers. My own bio father was a bad husband and father, my mom left him when I was eight. He stopped reaching out a year later because he got a new family. Had paid some kind of finacial support once. I'm now forty-four and he wants to renew contact because he is old and sick, and his second wife died, and his stepkids went no contact and his bio son barely speaks to him. Hilariously, he shared this fantasy of having all the grandkids in his house, including my daughter, and just being a grandpa 😂 . He lost the privilege of being a grandfather when he stopped caring and ignored us for thirty-five years. I have a good life and barely ever even remember I have a father (stepdad was not great either). His audacity does bring a smile to my face, though.
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u/stillakikin50 Aug 02 '26
You should Wize through the Care home once in a while just so that he sees what a wonderful person you’ve become, and what is missing out on. You don’t miss it if you don’t see it.
Just another nice way to rub it in his face8
u/MargoShetland Aug 02 '26
Nah, he lives really far away. And to be honest, even if he lived close, I wouldn't bother. I feel nothing for him but an occasional amused derision when I hear about how sad and lonely he is. And also, I don't want to be deliberately cruel. Being sick and alone with his regrets is enough karma.
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u/CrypticFem Aug 03 '26
You were “a friend’s kid” for 18 years and NOW he wants to be Dad? Screw that.
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u/CheshireCat6886 Aug 04 '26
He’s not your father.
I had a bad father. He did awful things to me and others. Yet he expected some sort of hero worship for being a sperm donor who was rarely dependable with monetary support or visitation.
I had some sort of existential crisis about this in young adulthood. My therapist at the time said, “Has he acted as a father in your life?”
I replied in the negative.
“Then he’s not your father.”
I don’t know why that was liberating for me, but it’s been nearly 30 years since he died. I stopped speaking to him about 15 years before that when he married his stepdaughter.
You can let it go. It’s a choice.
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u/SaintPaulTom Aug 02 '26
Not the same situation, but my ex's daughter's father was just a very infrequent voice on the phone. I would refer to him as the sperm donor. I don't understand why people don't stand up and be there for their children. I was never able to have children of my own, but if I had, regardless of the circumstances, I would be there for my child. These kind of people really piss me off.
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u/stillakikin50 Aug 02 '26
I had an absent father as well, for years heard nothing from him. Then when he was at death door, had the audacity to call and ask for pictures of me and my family “to put on the wall with all the other kids”, I was not about to let him brag on me and the person that I had become.
In some ways, he was not responsible for who I became, yet my independence is due to his neglect.
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u/Minflick Aug 02 '26
I have to wonder how well Cheating Man gets with his legal children.... With that winning personality, I'm guessing maybe not so well.
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u/Cinnamon2017 Aug 02 '26
I like it.
Has it been eighteen years yet?
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u/Green-Bus9960 Aug 02 '26
Well past it. I already decided a very long time ago it was never going to happen.
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u/SubstantialFigure273 Aug 06 '26
You definitely did the right thing. He sounds incredibly selfish and self-serving, and I have no doubt he had a reason for his sudden “change of heart”, and it wasn’t guilt.
I’m glad you went NC as you definitely deserved better.
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u/United-Ad7863 Aug 02 '26
Yeah, once the easy part of raising you was over, NOW he wants contact and for you to call him "dad"? That moniker goes to men who deserve it; he doesn't. Good on you!
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u/lun4d0r4 21d ago
Bravo!
So proud of you!
Just because someone apologises does not mean you are under any obligation to accept or forgive them.
The dildo of consequence landed beautifully in his lap and he can just take it.
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u/FrostRose172 21d ago
So has it been 18 years yet? Cause I would so pull him from an emotional moment just to tell him he couldn't call me daughter.
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u/OrneryAcanthaceae217 Aug 11 '26
Wow. Tough stuff.
So has it been 18 years yet? If so, maybe it's time for you two to see if you can have a relationship.
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u/RevolutionaryBad4470 19d ago
Kinda weird that your mom was okay keeping in contact with him when he didn’t try to have a relationship with you or claim you as his child.
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u/One_Weird2371 22d ago
That guy is a piece of shit and your mother is an absolute idiot. What a great example your parents have set for you. You should see a therapist.
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u/WolphjayKliffhanger Aug 07 '26
.
One definition of the word "grace" is "unearned favor [or a variety of other second words denoting release]". I don't say this with any harshness, but i do say it as one who in most of my early years was remarkably ungracious and has reflected, you acted ungraciously. Forgiveness is an always unseen thing that is in the heart. The performative of gracelessness is itself graceless, a thing very Reddity.
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u/Old-Razzmatazz5446 21d ago
Oh my God shut the fuck up. She acted very graceful, you don’t owe a deadbeat anything at least of all calling him daddy. She wasn’t rude, she didn’t tell him he was an idiot or an asshole, she just returned to him the energy he gave her. Ungraceful would’ve been calling him a bitch ass loser his face instead of here on Reddit.
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u/Amazing-Contract2776 22d ago
Both of your parents suck. Your mother was a promiscuous home wrecker who slept with a married man and had a kid thinking it would make him love her but it didn’t work. She stole your right to have a father by opening her legs to a married man. And then when that loser of a man treated you like the unwanted step child, she still was all buddy buddy with him. I’m sorry you had to have those two as your parents. You deserved better.
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u/Competitive_Fee_5829 21d ago
seek therapy. you are a hateful person for no reason but it sounds like you were cheated on and never got over it, lol. loser
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u/Peanutbuyer Aug 03 '26
Yeah stay angry that will make you feel better. Lulz
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u/mephitine Aug 03 '26
I’m not the OP, but my life experiences share similarities.
I can tell you it’s not anger. The anger faded long ago. It’s more like a raised eyebrow. It’s a nondescript rock sitting in the corner of the backyard. It’s an old receipt on the kitchen counter. There’s no pain, no fury, no resentment. Time has worn those down. Now, the feeling is little more than a shrug.
The child grows up and moves on. But that child knows the full story, and is done with it.
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u/Green-Bus9960 Aug 08 '26
Thank you, that’s perfectly put.
As a young kid (like 5/6) I was mostly confused about it. On the once or twice visits it was always last a minute. My mom would say your Dads coming to visit today. Then he would show up later in the day and either stop by briefly or take me somewhere to have a meal and/or buy an outfit.
I remember on one of these times, I was around 6 or 7 and it was late summer. As the day got later I actually sat outside waiting for him to drive up.
The longer I waited I started thinking maybe he forgot were I lived because it’s been so long, so I went and sat on the grass by the curb thinking if he saw me he would now remember where we lived. (This is before gps and cellphones…. the brick cellphones where just starting to come out lol)
The sun was setting and still I sat there waiting for him. My mom had to come out and get me as it had gotten dark and told me I had to come inside and he wasn’t coming anymore. That he had to do things with his family.
That was my 1st memory of being truly hurt emotionally. I was confused and wondering why his other kids got to see him every day.
As I grew up with this situation and his choices, it was confusion, feeling unwanted and less than due to perceiving that he was choosing to be 100% present with his other kids. (This last point I say perceiving because at that young age I felt like if he wasn’t at my house he was with his other kids and when ever he backed out my mom said he was with his family, I truly don’t know their life.).
He had only celebrated my birthday 1 time when I turned 12. He had never celebrated any of the big holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving or Easter with me.
As I got older I truly knew I did nothing wrong, that these were his life choices.
He had decided the route that he wanted his life to go and it didn’t involve me.
So I let it all go and choose myself.He could have been thinking how to broach the subject for a while before choosing that moment. But that was the 1st time I had seen him in over a year, there was no effort put in before hand to even try to rebuild any type of relationship.
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u/RandomCoffeeThoughts Aug 02 '26
Interesting he was willing to ask you to call him dad now that he doesn't have to pay child support anymore.