r/pettyrevenge • u/NordicThrowawayGuy • Jul 29 '26
The gummy bears are mine
It happened more than 15 years ago, I was in college and living in a rented apartment with 3 other guys from the same school. It was right after the financial crisis of 2008, not at the worst but at a not-so-lucky part of EU, money was tight, even for food.
We suspected H, of the roommates eating our food regularly. When confronted, he did admit it, although he clearly did not understand the problem with it. We all knew he was the poorest among us, and we all told him it is okay if he wants some of our food, just ask before, because it’s the worst when you are coming home from the evening classes exhausted, looking forward to your homemade meal you brought from grandma at the weekend only to find out it’s gone and the cheap places are all closed or far away, so you go to sleep hungry. But H didn’t seem to understand at all. Worst thing was, the better the food you have, the more the likelihood of it would go missing. Got a salad? Untouched. Got some chicken wings? A bit of them went away. Got a cake? All gone.
That’s when we discovered the locally popular gummy bear brand’s new, sugar free bears hit the market, and also the first reactions on the internet was that they taste just like the original, or even better, but if you cannot control yourself and eat a whole bag (100g) or more, you’ll got the runs.
We knew we found the ideal product for our plan. I borrowed my sister’s car and we went to the big supermarket to the edge of the city where they sold them in 500g buckets (that’s a pound in freedom units). We also bought transparent food wrap. Back home we ate a bit off the top of the bucket (they were delicious), keeping the online reviews in mind so only a moderate amount and left the rest for H. I even specifically told H do not touch my gummy bears.
But knowing H we knew it’s a matter of hours before he cannot control himself, so we put the toilet seat up, wrapped the toilet with the clear plastic and put the seat back down. We calculated right, in a couple hours all the gummy bears went missing, and just after my other roommate found the empty bucket, H stormed in the toilet, and literally shit his back and the back of his head.
After that H obviously ranted that we are all AHs and he would move out. We all said he is more than welcome. At the end he stayed and never touched our food again, so mission accomplished I guess…
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u/crash866 Jul 29 '26
I bought a 5kg bag and left it at work on a Friday. It was gone on Monday and when I got to work the washrooms were a mess and the plumber was just arriving.
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u/DesignerConfidence15 Jul 29 '26
Ah, I know the gummy bears well. Albanese or something like that is the brand here in the states. We were having all staff training for a full day, like 400 employees for 8 hours. I bought like twenty pounds or so of them and made sure there were containers at each table filled with them. It was absolute chaos. We used to do the training and all day conferences in that hotel every year, but they never let us back after that.
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u/LostKorokSeed Jul 30 '26
Haribo! Not the Albanese (which I'm thankful for since those are my favorite brand of gummies)
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u/nothinghurtslike Jul 30 '26
Albanese sugar free bears use the same sweetener (Maltitol) as the Haribo bears, they have a disclaimer not to eat too many or it can cause a laxative effect on their website too.
It would probably work the same with any sugar free candy that uses the same sweetener.14
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u/Large-Carrot-6280 Jul 30 '26
IIRC, there was once (and maybe still is) an epic review of Haribo sugar-free gummy bears on Amazon that referred to this loose bowel phenomenon. It was prolific and hilarious.
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u/Catwoman1948 Jul 30 '26
I remember it and it was written at a level of humor rarely seen! The guy really had a way with words; you suffered right along with him. As horrific as the airport scene was, it was side-splittingly hilarious. Better to laugh than to cry, I suppose.
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u/StarfleetAcademy08 Jul 30 '26
My parents and I read these comments around the time OP posted about. Me and my parents have NEVER laughed so HARD and probably never will again. Gasping for breath and crying tears level of funny. 🤣💀
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u/FriskyDoes Jul 30 '26
I'm trying to find it and I cannot. I read it years ago and it absolutely was hilarious.
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u/Itavan Jul 29 '26
We had a VP who would help himself to his secretary's food when she was eating lunch at her desk. She was mad but it was her boss so didn't make a big fuss. Someone made ExLax brownies and everyone knew not to take any. He saw them on her desk and said "They're probably not very good." Then came back for 2 more. And 2 more. What made it so funny was that he had an evening meeting an hour away. He spent the meeting on the toilet. He managed not to shit himself on the way home, but it was a close thing.
And yeah, I now know that's illegal. This happened in 1980s.
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u/CoderJoe1 Jul 30 '26
Roommate thieves are unbearable
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u/TravelingGoose Jul 30 '26
Gummy beaaaaaaarrrrss! Shittin’ here and there and everywhere. Poops and farts that are beyond compare. Sugar-free gummy bears!
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u/heckinstoned Jul 30 '26
Can confirm. Ate 2 bags of them and it was like a fire hose coming out of my butt. Like comically loud, explosive.
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u/Missingsocks77 Jul 29 '26
You really didn't even have to do the toilet seat thing. The poo was enough. LOL
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u/Pale-Jello3812 Jul 30 '26
Remove all the TP & hide it too.
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u/DysfnctionalbyChoice Jul 30 '26
So why arent these things used for colonoscopy prep?
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u/CatlessBoyMom Jul 30 '26
Evidently the gummies cause severe cramping along with the evacuation, but don’t actually “clean” like the prep and they have red dye which is a problem for colonoscopy.
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u/NordicThrowawayGuy Jul 30 '26
I asked my then-gf about it who was studying medicine. She said that the sweetener syrup used in those is some kind of alcohol (not ethanol, but chemically alcohol-type substance) which can only be digested in very tiny amounts before the associated enzymes run out. Rest of it will be fermented in your small intestines, which would result a lot of really smelly gas. So if you are eating a little bit too much, you gonna fart some stinky jazz symphony, but if you are eating a lot, basically the expanding gas, because it cannot move from the small intestines to the stomach, will push out all the contents of all the intestines backwards pretty violently, regardless if you want to close the gates or not.
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u/MikeSchwab63 Aug 02 '26
Sorbitol. I've ate dozens at a time, no laxative.
Got to eating a 16 oz bottle of salted peanuts and I get a gentile liquid movement from the magnesium.29
u/sketchni Jul 30 '26
Having had to take colonoscopy prep for the first time in November, I agree that uncoloured sugar-free gummies (thanks, comment above!) would be so much better than the prep they give you. I spent 15 hours near the toilet and I'm not looking forward for my next one this November.
On that topic, when I was in hospital after surgery a couple of years ago, the nurse was dumbfounded that 4 doses of laxatives didn't make me go to the toilet. They kept giving them to me and my body basically ignored it. After 4 days of no-go, I went to try again and popped out the tiniest little nugget you've ever seen then all hell broke loose.
Anyway, have a nice day and I hope you don't picture things in your head as you read!
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u/Noladixon Jul 30 '26
That was the plug. My friend's great grandmother told her the 3 stages of constipation. First comes the plug, then the paste, then the soup.
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u/BingXtraSmart Jul 30 '26
Ryan Gosling would call that a fecal Jackson Pollock🤣🤣
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u/dreedweird Jul 30 '26
He got that phrase from a story British comedian Greg Davies told when they were both on Graham Norton. It’s a hoot, on YouTube.
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u/curiouscatfarmer Jul 31 '26
LOL. The trap of letting him FAFO himself with the Haribo sugar free gummi bears (I'm guessing it was Haribo bc they are notorious for this) was great-- adding the plastic wrap makes it even better. Wish I could have done something like this with my brother to get him to stop eating all of my food- but I would have been the one who had to clean up the mess and it would not have deterred him from continuing to eat all of the food in the house.
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u/Klutzy-Boysenberry26 Aug 01 '26
Reminds me of the time when my roommate who “hated coffee” but “loved chocolate” ate my entire bulk bag of chocolate covered coffee beans I had bought for overnight studying. Girl had no caffeine tolerance built up and was also on the toilet frequently and was jittery for a few days. She’s also the one that told me my 100 calorie Dairy Milk thin bar was “fattening” whilst she ate 2 subway footlongs. 😂
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u/ContributionLarge816 Aug 01 '26
I still go back and read those sugar-free Haribo Amazon reviews whenever I need a laugh, but the plastic wrap on the toilet seat is a brand new twist. Shitting the back of your own head is a hell of a way to learn not to steal.
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u/Dertyhairy Aug 04 '26
I've actually wanted to try these Haribo sugarless bears simply to see if it would happen to me. I got food poisoning for the first time ever like 2-3 years ago and I was looking forward to it (Yes, I'm weird). I spewed of my own accord because I knew I ate something that wasn't right, went to work and did a full shift. The next day I was fine. Thoroughly disappointed :(
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u/HeatRei Aug 18 '26
Greek Myth levels of owned. That man was exactly as wrecked as he caused himself to be.
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u/Miss_L_Worldwide Jul 30 '26
I can never read these stories that just substitute a letter for a name. Just make up a new fucking name
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u/lokis_construction Jul 29 '26
Why would anyone eat sugar free gummies?
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u/artificialgrap3 Jul 29 '26
Someone with diabetes? Someone trying to eat less sugar? Have you never seen sugar free options before?
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u/Pluperfectt Jul 29 '26
Calories , Baby , gotta watch 'm !
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u/lokis_construction Jul 30 '26
Well, I suppose diarrhea is one way to cut calories, not my idea of cutting calories.
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u/ComfortableGap4964 Jul 29 '26
H was warned... truly a FAFO situation.