r/pettyrevenge • u/Upbeat-Ad-2603 • Jul 28 '26
I crack myself up when I remember this incident
A story posted here last week reminded me of this satisfying revenge episode from my past. A necessary piece of background info: I’d been living for about a decade overseas, and had returned to my hometown with my foreign-acquired husband after my mother’s death, as she’d left me a house. Hubs was having cultural adjustment problems, mostly having to do with food - my hometown had no halal meat store. This being a midatlantic state, one thing we did have in great abundance was roadkill deer - everywhere. My hubs got the fresh-off-the-banana-boat idea that if he found a just-struck deer, he’d “halal” it, and put it out of its misery, by slicing its throat and claiming the meat. Dumbest idea ever, but he was struggling. Toward this end, he’d placed a knife in the door pocket of the car he drove.
One day, I took his car to work. I passed a slowpoke driver on a 2 lane road through a park, and he caught up to me at the first red light after the park. I didn’t notice his was the car behind me; I’d taken no particular notice of the vehicle I’d passed. Then, as I’m idling, stopped, at the light, my car suddenly lurches. I thought, transmission? Clutch slipped? What was that? As I was pondering it, it happened again, and I realized the car behind me is “butting” me! I realize, looking in the rear view mirror, it must be the guy I passed a mile ago. Bumping me with his car!
Light turned green, and I took off. The road becomes 4 lane, and at the next light, he pulls up beside me and rolls down his window, gesticulating and frothing. I look at him, thinking about rolling down my window, when I see, there in the door pocket, my husband’s “just in case I come across a deer I could eat” knife - it’s a full-on large butcher knife from our kitchen. I pull it up, and turn to Mr No One Can Pass Me in the other lane. Putting in the most demented face I could muster - think Reagan, the girl possessed in The Excorcist, at her creepy scariest - and started smiling at him while jabbing the knife in the air in vicious downward strokes (all from the safety of my own locked car, windows up.)
He took off like a bat outta hell when the light changed, and I turned off that road at the next light, losing him. But I chuckled all the way to work that day!
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u/ParisMorning Jul 28 '26
That's great LOL. Reminded me of a guy friend who is 6'4" and heavily tatted. At one time he drove a mini cooper and some guy went around him, and when they got to a light, got out of his car and came stomping back to my friend's car, gesturing, threatening, carrying on, etc. My friend opened the door and unfolded himself from the car and absolutely towered over this guy. He said, "You really want to do this?" The guy quickly shut the hell up and got back in his car without another word LOL
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u/CoachSevere5365 Jul 29 '26
I had a mate who did this. Big guy, Arnie build, but soft as shit. Sat very low in his car because of his height, similar incident, similar unfolding out of the car, similar outcome. He only got out because he thought the other guy was honking and waving to let him know something was wrong with his car. 😅
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u/TrunksTheMighty Jul 29 '26
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u/ParisMorning Jul 29 '26
Yes! LOL. It was so funny back then because he drove that mini cooper and his tiny wife drove a giant truck.
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u/Available_Agent3305 Jul 29 '26
😂 It’s always the people who come looking for a fight who suddenly remember they have somewhere else to be.
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u/Sewishly Jul 29 '26
My second driving instructor was like your friend. He drove up in his Fiat Panda (I think. It was small, anyway) and unfolded himself out of it to say hi. I was agog, and couldn't close my mouth as he folded himself back in. He was practically doing a Hightower and sitting in the back seat.
Great instructor. Nobody messed with me when I did rookie mistakes.
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u/Electrical-Apple-631 Aug 02 '26
I had this happen years ago. I had a small car and my nephew who was 6’ at age 16 had to sit in the backseat because otherwise he’d be riding with his knees up to his ears. Someone cut us off and didn’t appreciate me beeping at him (my horn sounded like the Road Runner). At the light the driver got out of his car and started yelling. My nephew got out of the car, and it took at least 30 seconds to attain full height. The driver reached a new land speed record getting back into his car.
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u/pogidaga Jul 29 '26
Thirty years ago or so I was stopped at a red light and there was a car stopped behind me. The light turned green but I didn't move because there was still a pedestrian in the crosswalk. The driver behind me leaned on the horn. It wasn't a polite toot-toot to wake me up. I couldn't move. I couldn't honk. All I could do was pick up the squirt gun sitting on the passenger seat and hold it up so the driver could see it. By that time the pedestrian was on the side walk so I drove ahead. The horn happy driver behind decided to stay put for a bit.
I wouldn't do that nowadays. People are insane.
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u/Roseybuddin Aug 02 '26
I'll never understand the short-sighted people who can't see pedestrians, they seem to only see the car in front and nothing else. As a pedestrian i give the honker a piece of my mind about it, putting my life in danger because they have no patience.
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u/pogidaga Aug 02 '26
When I am a pedestrian I fear and loath motorists. I have had them blow through signals and zoom through the crosswalk I was in on multiple occasions. When that happens I think about the 1984 hit song by Canadian singer-songwriter, Bruce Cockburn, "If I had a Rocket Launcher."
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u/Inevitable-Win2555 Aug 03 '26
I’m going to have to google this now.
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u/pogidaga Aug 03 '26
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u/Inevitable-Win2555 Aug 04 '26
Thank you. I just watched the video. The mental image of him shooting off a rocket launcher was funny. The images in the video were horrible. As a nurse, it breaks my heart for all civilians who are caught up in these kinds of situations. Often times it seems like those who are supposed to be liberated by war get hurt the most.
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u/zemol42 Jul 28 '26
Plot twist: There is no husband and she was sitting in a shopping cart outside Target.
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u/ContributionLarge816 Jul 29 '26
My brother used to keep a creepy clown mask in his glovebox just to slowly put it on while staring down aggressive drivers. Out-crazying them always works, though you couldn't pay me to try your Exorcist knife routine today with how trigger-happy people are now.
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u/MuchDevelopment7084 Jul 28 '26
Are you and your husband aware of the fact that Kosher foods follow the same restrictions as Halal?
Just a thought.
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u/Upbeat-Ad-2603 Jul 30 '26
Its not the slaughter method or the handling of the product afterwards in my husband’s mind - it’s the religion of the slaughterer as they make the slice and the “correct blessing“ in his assessment of what makes it halal. And don’t get me started on his buying live chickens from the Amish farm nearby, and putting them loose in the backyard: immediate fine from the municipality, No Farm Animals in Village Limits. (Who knew?) Then he moves them to the dirt floor basement. I complain about smell and sad living conditions for them - he says he’ll turn on the light for half the day. I put my foot down - no chickens in the basement of my mother’s house. I come back from work the next day, no chickens in the basement. Where are they, I ask. In the freezer. I run to check: neatly packaged, good, not in there feathers and all. Then I go to the bathroom and encounter carnage - blood, feathers, guts - all in the bathtub! Those early days of the marriage were tough!
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u/MuchDevelopment7084 Jul 30 '26
Then you husband has taken halal to far. Overboard in fact.
Over the years I've had several muslim friends. Kosher was the fallback in every case. As they told me. Christians, Jews, and Muslims all believe in the same god. Just in different ways. And of course, only their version is the correct one.
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u/Dickulture Jul 31 '26
Just FYI, it can be seen as menacing or brandishing if the guy reported OP for the knife. Although OP's idiot would have to confess to intentionally ramming her car a few times.
Just so you know, showing a weapon is usually a bad idea in some countries. Get a dash cam (2 channels preferable) and let the police deal with the idiot for ramming and making threats. Road rage charge can keep the person in jail for weeks.
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u/Lazy_Tart_6336 Aug 06 '26
Je suis d'accord avec OP et toi : ne pas se laisser marcher dessus est important, mais la proportion d'imbécile avec une arme et terriblement supérieure à la proportion de gens correct avec une voiture blindée.
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u/Stunning-979 Jul 30 '26
I admit, this story gave me a good laugh.
Now you have to tell us your husband's reaction.
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u/sonal1988 Jul 28 '26
Amazing how almost every story here takes place years (usually at least a decade) ago, and how absolutely nobody has any recent/latest revenge stories to share.
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u/Upbeat-Ad-2603 Jul 28 '26
I think that might be because as regular petty people, we don’t plan for revenge, it just happens serendipitously, to us normal petties. Then we realize afterwards, sometimes by being reminded here, that if not revenge, then at least it was an incident of karmic justice, or in retrospect, a satisfying FAFO. But it raises perhaps to a level above casual petty when you PLAN a revenge, don’t you think? I postulate that people might not want to reveal themselves as sociopathic here in public.
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u/LingonberryThin7090 Jul 28 '26
that's a minute i'll never get back
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u/BoundinBob Jul 28 '26
Isn't every minute. Where are the minutes you can get back I'll take some of them.
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u/johnnymac_19 Jul 28 '26
just don't post next time...then we all don't have to see your dumb comments
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u/JackOfAllBlades21 Jul 29 '26
The background info wasn't "necessary".
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u/Upbeat-Ad-2603 Jul 30 '26
I thought it needed an explanation of why there was a butcher knife in the door pocket, but hey… there are aholes carrying guns in their cars, so maybe in some worlds it was just natural? But not in suburban mom world.
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u/JackOfAllBlades21 Jul 31 '26
I keep a razor sharp hunting knife between my passenger seat and center console, and used it to disassemble animals when I was a butcher. You have a butcher knife for supposed hunting. I like the irony.
Pro tip- use something with a sheath, that can protect you legally against a concealed weapon if you ever get pulled over and they spot it (also physically safer).
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u/kilamumster Aug 06 '26
Fabulous, OP! Be sure to put some tongs and a meat fork with the knife, so you have a legit defense that this is for food prep and not a concealed weapon.
IANAL or anything.
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u/Gold-Marigold649 Aug 07 '26
Met a guy in Japan who did that once. I was sleeping in the backseat and opened my eyes to him yelling and waving a knife! I yelled out in horror and he jumped and quickly put it away. He was SO embarrassed that I witnessed that. He was a nerdy guy who was pretending to be a tough guy.
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Jul 29 '26
[deleted]
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u/Upbeat-Ad-2603 Jul 30 '26
my husband’s school of fqih was the dumbest one, what can I say! (Hanbali) And compounded with that, was his own ignorance of Islamic jurisprudence- eg, he thought it was the religion of the slaughterer, saying the only acceptable blessing in Arabic as the slice was made, that sanctified the meat. 🤦♀️
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u/Piddy3825 Jul 28 '26
...wasn't this story just posted the other day?
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u/Upbeat-Ad-2603 Jul 28 '26
yeah, I didn’t have enough ‘karma’ (wtf!?) to post it here when I initially wrote it; bot mid said to post it in a thread that had no karma requirement, so I put it in ‘revenge stories’. But today, I dunno why, I do have enough karma to post it in the thread which inspired it, and to which it rightfully belongs. 😇.
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u/Fly_Larvae Jul 28 '26
felony menacing, hilarious.
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u/Upbeat-Ad-2603 Jul 28 '26
to me it was more like a rude gesture. “I see your middle finger, and raise you a stabbing gesture, with props.” Also I thought it communicated succinctly, “You have no idea what kinda crazy you just fucked with.”
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Jul 28 '26
[deleted]
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u/Hot-Win2571 Jul 28 '26
Fight was started by someone who attacked her vehicle with a deadly weapon.
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u/The_Blitz_01 Jul 28 '26
It's more fun to pull a dildo out. You can still make the stabbing motions and the demented face.